My life, as told by me...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Knoxville, Tennessee
Posts: 14
My life, as told by me...
My name is Clif and I am an alcoholic-addict. I'm new to the SR world and I guess I’ll start with a little about me. I grew up in a small town in Kentucky, as an only child, in a domestically violent home, with an alcoholic Father and an emotionally unavailable Mother. During my late teen years my Father stopped drinking, joined a church and has been sober since, nearly 20 years. However, by that time in my life the damage was done, he had been nothing more to me than the man who slapped my Mother around on occasion, screamed and yelled at me, fought with me and paid the house payment! My Mother was so damaged emotionally by the lifestyle she had chosen to live that she was never able to open up to my Father again, thus, their marriage ended when I was 18 and they have both since moved on with new spouses and new lives. My relationship remains strong with my Mother but continues to be strained with my Father. I sometimes feel like I really still don’t know him, having left home at 18 I have had little time to rebuild any type of relationship with him, we do talk but remain distant.
I began experimenting with alcohol and drugs when I was very young, around 12. I would sip my Fathers beer here and there and on special occasions, usually when he was drunk, he would give me an entire beer of my own. I got “drunk” for the first time at around age 13. Of course that was not something I enjoyed, I remember it was very scary for me, it was to say the least, “a bad trip”. From there I began taking huge doses of OTC drugs, i.e. benedryl, etc. to get a buzz, and of course valium from my Mothers stash. No one every caught on or questioned me so the abuse continued… During college I partied well, drank lots and smoked plenty of dope but always seemed to be on top of the world, my life (looking back now) was beginning the gradual decline into what I know now is addiction. After college and for the next few years I frequented bars and parties and drank at least 3-4 times a week, heavily, but didn’t bother with drugs.
In 1993, at the age of 22 I made a huge leap, packed up and moved 700 miles from home to Florida. During that year is when the drugs became a real part of my life. I was introduced to several different things, several different opiates, LSD, cocaine, etc. and although I experimented with anything and everything someone put in front of me, I still never remember having the “I cant live without this stuff feeling”…. I continued with the drinking and drugging for the next year or so. I was working in a hospital in Florida as a Surgical Technician and although I had worked for nearly 4 years prior to this, in the same occupation I had never once considered or even thought about the drugs that surrounded me on a daily basis. I still remember that day, sometime in 1994, when a “friend” (fellow employee) enlightened me about a drug called Fentanyl (a very strong opiate used primarily in operating rooms) and, although I’m not going into the specifics, how easily it was to “get” this particular drug. It wasn’t long before I was following up on my “friends” knowledge. I remember after getting my first “dose” I was suddenly faced with the dilemma of how I was going to inject it into myself. I hated needles and was certain that I wouldn’t be able to inject myself and MOST CERTAINLY not into a vein. I did however muster up the courage to inject it into my muscle, and from that moment, standing in the bathroom of that hospital, I have NEVER been the same!
The following several years were full of job loses, lost relationships, frequent moves, and an attempt at rehab, at the recommendation of my employer. I half heartedly made feeble attempts at staying clean, never sober, and jumped from place to place, covering tracks and continuing to drink and drug at every available opportunity.
In 1996, after loosing yet another job and a long term relationship, I decided to move back home. Yep, I was going home, everything would be different there I told myself, I would stop using drugs get things straight in my life and start all over. I did start all over again, no doubt, only it wasn't the start I was looking for… I continued to drink and party with my old friends and before long, I was using drugs again at work. Of course every time you relapse the addiction grows stronger. I was using massive amounts of drugs and was truly in a pattern of self destruction that I couldn’t seem to avoid. I entered rehab again, upon the demand of my employer this time. After leaving the detox program and a few weeks of the outpatient program I felt confident that I had the necessary things to really do it this time, I could return to work keep myself clean and really make it this time. That was early 1998 and lasted for short period of time before I allowed myself to return to the same thing. So, after loosing another job, another relationship and disappointing my family AGAIN, I decided it was time for another move.
For the next four years I moved from city to city, coast to coast, job to job, still working in the operating room. I was pretty “smart” this time though, just when I felt the heat, just when I knew people were starting to have questions, I would find a new job, in a new city and start over again.
In 2001, after loosing my grandmother, I decided to again return home. This time I was really going to quit though, and I knew just how! I wasn’t going to rehab or AA/NA meetings or anything like that, no program, nothing, I was going to “get right with God” and I knew that would take all the problems away, there was no doubt in my mind. Looking back now, had I stuck to that plan, it may have actually worked, and it did for a few months, but before long I was bored with the clean life, the Christian life and needed something else. So, back to old playgrounds and playmates I went running…
In 2003, again heavily involved in my addiction, I met and married a girl who was, looking back now, nothing more than an enabler for me. She seemed to not care about any of my past and present issues with drugs, she was so unconcerned that she even provided the drugs for me… That marriage, as you can expect, lasted less than a year and a half. After loosing a couple more jobs, becoming very addicted to alcohol along with the drugs and yet another botched attempt at rehab, she was not able to stand it anymore and she left. That did nothing more for me than to give me yet another reason to continue my path of destruction.
I suppose at this point in my life, along about 2004 is when my addiction truly took a new seat in my life. Having lost my ability to find work in a health care setting, and having to find other means of employment, usually at a much lower pay than I was used to, and not being able to provide myself with free drugs from my work, I was suddenly finding myself spending every last dime I earned on drugs. This was all new to me, I mean, I had made many statements throughout my life that I would NEVER buy drugs, to me that was the true addict, someone who used their hard earned money on the stuff… Well, suddenly I was that person, not only was I using my money, I was selling my belongings, even down to my clothes to come up with enough money for drugs to get me through one more day! That one more day never seemed to end…
I struggled through a few different jobs over the course of the next couple years, trying to make ends meet and keep myself supplied with drugs. I stole, sold, begged-borrowed, pleaded, anything I could to get myself a fix.
In September of 2005, after nearing my last dollar I somehow scrapped enough money together to start going to a Methadone clinic. After making the call and waiting until it was my turn to see the doctor, I was admitted, and shortly thereafter given my first dose. I thought I had found the answer! I felt better than I did even with all the assorted opiates I was taking, I didn’t crave, I had no intermittent withdrawal symptoms, it was wonderful. I continued on this path for just over two months, visiting the clinic every morning, except Sunday, and, giving them my hard earned money every week. Unfortunately by this point, having used up all my funds from purchasing drugs and already behind on all my bills, adding the additional cost of the Methadone clinic to my long list of bills was not going to work. I soon found myself not able to pay the fee and began whats called an "involuntary withdrawal", to no one’s surprise, they were not concerned. So, there I was, discharged from the clinic, and quickly starting to feel the terrible withdrawal symptoms again, only this time, much worse! I gathered up some money and over the course of the next couple weeks, managed to buy some other opiates, enough to hardly even keep me from suffering the pain of withdrawal.
I finally hit the bottom on December 6, 2005. I was out of money, out of time and very near "dope sick death". After calling around to some local rehab facilities and being told that I could self admit that night to a particular one, I went to my boss and told him EVERYTHING. To my surprise he was supportive and patted me on the back and sent me out the door to rehab. However, to my horror within minutes of leaving my job with plans to call the family and my “better-half” and explain everything (no one knew anything – my family thought I was clean/sober for a good while, and my partner –had no idea of my addiction either present or past) my phone rang again… and it was the rehab center, with news that in order to check in I would need to pay up front my portion of the cost minus the insurance covered amount, which was nearly $1,000. That was an impossibility! I ran straight home, cried, screamed, and finally knew that I had hit my rock bottom. I was finally stuck, with no one to help me, no one to run to and nothing but the fear of withdrawal and the hell that follows facing me.
I ran straight to my supplier and got what I had to have to make it through the next 24 hours, just so that I could put a few thoughts together and decide what direction to take…
On December 7, 2005 I took my last dose of opiates at 11am… Still having no answers as to where I would end up…surprise, right? No way to get into rehab, my job was demanding either I enter rehab that day or back to work the next, yea right, being as dope sick as I was I could barely make it to the bathroom, much less to WORK. At this point, through an VERY odd string of events, my family found out and so did my “better half”… Imagine trying to explain all this to everyone when you cant even explain it to yourself, your body is twisted inside out with withdrawal and your not sure if your going to get your next breath. I’m sure if anyone has ever tried self detox, you know it certainly is not easy.
I ended up seeing a doctor the next day, who prescribed me a few detox medications, nothing of any great value, just a couple things to help me sleep and ease myself through the first 5-7 days of pure withdrawal hell. I ended up loosing my job, am about to be evicted from my apartment, have severly damaged yet another relationship and if not for the help of a few saints would have lost my car.
That brings us up to today, December 29, 2005, 22 days clean-sober. Although right now my life is entirely chaotic and I’m not sure what will or can happen next, I’m clean-sober and I’m happy about that. It hasn’t been easy by any means, to say the least, but I have a new job starting next week, I have food to eat, and I’m alive. That alone amazes me, considering how close I was to suicide just two weeks ago. I know I have a LONG road ahead of me trying to get things back in living order, but with the support of AA/NA, SR, Family and Friends, I feel confident I can make at least some strides, perhaps slowly, in getting myself where I need to be.
If you have read this far, God Bless you… I hope that in some way my words will have a positive impact on another person… I cant wait until I’ve got one month, six months, one year clean and sober.
Thanks to you all… I look forward to hearing any feed back...
I began experimenting with alcohol and drugs when I was very young, around 12. I would sip my Fathers beer here and there and on special occasions, usually when he was drunk, he would give me an entire beer of my own. I got “drunk” for the first time at around age 13. Of course that was not something I enjoyed, I remember it was very scary for me, it was to say the least, “a bad trip”. From there I began taking huge doses of OTC drugs, i.e. benedryl, etc. to get a buzz, and of course valium from my Mothers stash. No one every caught on or questioned me so the abuse continued… During college I partied well, drank lots and smoked plenty of dope but always seemed to be on top of the world, my life (looking back now) was beginning the gradual decline into what I know now is addiction. After college and for the next few years I frequented bars and parties and drank at least 3-4 times a week, heavily, but didn’t bother with drugs.
In 1993, at the age of 22 I made a huge leap, packed up and moved 700 miles from home to Florida. During that year is when the drugs became a real part of my life. I was introduced to several different things, several different opiates, LSD, cocaine, etc. and although I experimented with anything and everything someone put in front of me, I still never remember having the “I cant live without this stuff feeling”…. I continued with the drinking and drugging for the next year or so. I was working in a hospital in Florida as a Surgical Technician and although I had worked for nearly 4 years prior to this, in the same occupation I had never once considered or even thought about the drugs that surrounded me on a daily basis. I still remember that day, sometime in 1994, when a “friend” (fellow employee) enlightened me about a drug called Fentanyl (a very strong opiate used primarily in operating rooms) and, although I’m not going into the specifics, how easily it was to “get” this particular drug. It wasn’t long before I was following up on my “friends” knowledge. I remember after getting my first “dose” I was suddenly faced with the dilemma of how I was going to inject it into myself. I hated needles and was certain that I wouldn’t be able to inject myself and MOST CERTAINLY not into a vein. I did however muster up the courage to inject it into my muscle, and from that moment, standing in the bathroom of that hospital, I have NEVER been the same!
The following several years were full of job loses, lost relationships, frequent moves, and an attempt at rehab, at the recommendation of my employer. I half heartedly made feeble attempts at staying clean, never sober, and jumped from place to place, covering tracks and continuing to drink and drug at every available opportunity.
In 1996, after loosing yet another job and a long term relationship, I decided to move back home. Yep, I was going home, everything would be different there I told myself, I would stop using drugs get things straight in my life and start all over. I did start all over again, no doubt, only it wasn't the start I was looking for… I continued to drink and party with my old friends and before long, I was using drugs again at work. Of course every time you relapse the addiction grows stronger. I was using massive amounts of drugs and was truly in a pattern of self destruction that I couldn’t seem to avoid. I entered rehab again, upon the demand of my employer this time. After leaving the detox program and a few weeks of the outpatient program I felt confident that I had the necessary things to really do it this time, I could return to work keep myself clean and really make it this time. That was early 1998 and lasted for short period of time before I allowed myself to return to the same thing. So, after loosing another job, another relationship and disappointing my family AGAIN, I decided it was time for another move.
For the next four years I moved from city to city, coast to coast, job to job, still working in the operating room. I was pretty “smart” this time though, just when I felt the heat, just when I knew people were starting to have questions, I would find a new job, in a new city and start over again.
In 2001, after loosing my grandmother, I decided to again return home. This time I was really going to quit though, and I knew just how! I wasn’t going to rehab or AA/NA meetings or anything like that, no program, nothing, I was going to “get right with God” and I knew that would take all the problems away, there was no doubt in my mind. Looking back now, had I stuck to that plan, it may have actually worked, and it did for a few months, but before long I was bored with the clean life, the Christian life and needed something else. So, back to old playgrounds and playmates I went running…
In 2003, again heavily involved in my addiction, I met and married a girl who was, looking back now, nothing more than an enabler for me. She seemed to not care about any of my past and present issues with drugs, she was so unconcerned that she even provided the drugs for me… That marriage, as you can expect, lasted less than a year and a half. After loosing a couple more jobs, becoming very addicted to alcohol along with the drugs and yet another botched attempt at rehab, she was not able to stand it anymore and she left. That did nothing more for me than to give me yet another reason to continue my path of destruction.
I suppose at this point in my life, along about 2004 is when my addiction truly took a new seat in my life. Having lost my ability to find work in a health care setting, and having to find other means of employment, usually at a much lower pay than I was used to, and not being able to provide myself with free drugs from my work, I was suddenly finding myself spending every last dime I earned on drugs. This was all new to me, I mean, I had made many statements throughout my life that I would NEVER buy drugs, to me that was the true addict, someone who used their hard earned money on the stuff… Well, suddenly I was that person, not only was I using my money, I was selling my belongings, even down to my clothes to come up with enough money for drugs to get me through one more day! That one more day never seemed to end…
I struggled through a few different jobs over the course of the next couple years, trying to make ends meet and keep myself supplied with drugs. I stole, sold, begged-borrowed, pleaded, anything I could to get myself a fix.
In September of 2005, after nearing my last dollar I somehow scrapped enough money together to start going to a Methadone clinic. After making the call and waiting until it was my turn to see the doctor, I was admitted, and shortly thereafter given my first dose. I thought I had found the answer! I felt better than I did even with all the assorted opiates I was taking, I didn’t crave, I had no intermittent withdrawal symptoms, it was wonderful. I continued on this path for just over two months, visiting the clinic every morning, except Sunday, and, giving them my hard earned money every week. Unfortunately by this point, having used up all my funds from purchasing drugs and already behind on all my bills, adding the additional cost of the Methadone clinic to my long list of bills was not going to work. I soon found myself not able to pay the fee and began whats called an "involuntary withdrawal", to no one’s surprise, they were not concerned. So, there I was, discharged from the clinic, and quickly starting to feel the terrible withdrawal symptoms again, only this time, much worse! I gathered up some money and over the course of the next couple weeks, managed to buy some other opiates, enough to hardly even keep me from suffering the pain of withdrawal.
I finally hit the bottom on December 6, 2005. I was out of money, out of time and very near "dope sick death". After calling around to some local rehab facilities and being told that I could self admit that night to a particular one, I went to my boss and told him EVERYTHING. To my surprise he was supportive and patted me on the back and sent me out the door to rehab. However, to my horror within minutes of leaving my job with plans to call the family and my “better-half” and explain everything (no one knew anything – my family thought I was clean/sober for a good while, and my partner –had no idea of my addiction either present or past) my phone rang again… and it was the rehab center, with news that in order to check in I would need to pay up front my portion of the cost minus the insurance covered amount, which was nearly $1,000. That was an impossibility! I ran straight home, cried, screamed, and finally knew that I had hit my rock bottom. I was finally stuck, with no one to help me, no one to run to and nothing but the fear of withdrawal and the hell that follows facing me.
I ran straight to my supplier and got what I had to have to make it through the next 24 hours, just so that I could put a few thoughts together and decide what direction to take…
On December 7, 2005 I took my last dose of opiates at 11am… Still having no answers as to where I would end up…surprise, right? No way to get into rehab, my job was demanding either I enter rehab that day or back to work the next, yea right, being as dope sick as I was I could barely make it to the bathroom, much less to WORK. At this point, through an VERY odd string of events, my family found out and so did my “better half”… Imagine trying to explain all this to everyone when you cant even explain it to yourself, your body is twisted inside out with withdrawal and your not sure if your going to get your next breath. I’m sure if anyone has ever tried self detox, you know it certainly is not easy.
I ended up seeing a doctor the next day, who prescribed me a few detox medications, nothing of any great value, just a couple things to help me sleep and ease myself through the first 5-7 days of pure withdrawal hell. I ended up loosing my job, am about to be evicted from my apartment, have severly damaged yet another relationship and if not for the help of a few saints would have lost my car.
That brings us up to today, December 29, 2005, 22 days clean-sober. Although right now my life is entirely chaotic and I’m not sure what will or can happen next, I’m clean-sober and I’m happy about that. It hasn’t been easy by any means, to say the least, but I have a new job starting next week, I have food to eat, and I’m alive. That alone amazes me, considering how close I was to suicide just two weeks ago. I know I have a LONG road ahead of me trying to get things back in living order, but with the support of AA/NA, SR, Family and Friends, I feel confident I can make at least some strides, perhaps slowly, in getting myself where I need to be.
If you have read this far, God Bless you… I hope that in some way my words will have a positive impact on another person… I cant wait until I’ve got one month, six months, one year clean and sober.
Thanks to you all… I look forward to hearing any feed back...
Living and Loving.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Saratoga, California
Posts: 475
Welcome Clif! That was an amazing history and wow what an inspiration that through all that you are here now and wanting to stay sober and willing to receive help in doing it. 22 days is awesome! Congratulations and I look forward to hearing more from you.
Suga
Suga
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: birmingham, al
Posts: 11
:bbe:
gosh clif your life sounds like mine, and i am only 25,
i am just starting the detox off opiates, for the uhhhh.... i don't know how many times now,lol! great story, you really have no idea how much i can relate to every single bit of it, it was like i was almost reading my own story, i wish you would pm me sometime, we have alot in common maybe we could help each other in some way, anyways i am here if you want to talk, you can also email me anytime, would love to hear from you
love
danielle :bbl: :abg: is almost here happy new year, you are getting off to a great start and so am i, with the help of someone upstairs!!!!!
gosh clif your life sounds like mine, and i am only 25,
i am just starting the detox off opiates, for the uhhhh.... i don't know how many times now,lol! great story, you really have no idea how much i can relate to every single bit of it, it was like i was almost reading my own story, i wish you would pm me sometime, we have alot in common maybe we could help each other in some way, anyways i am here if you want to talk, you can also email me anytime, would love to hear from you
love
danielle :bbl: :abg: is almost here happy new year, you are getting off to a great start and so am i, with the help of someone upstairs!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Knoxville, Tennessee
Posts: 14
Thanks to all who read and to all who replied to my thread. It was a nice surprise to see so many responses. I think when I began writing the thread I was doing it mostly for therapeutic reasons, I had never really told my story in such a way, and having re-read it several times now, it almost seems like it is not mine, its even hard for me to believe it!
As I begin day 23 I am faced with still many obstacles but the feeling of sobriety is so overpowering to me that I feel certain that I can face the obstacles. Somehow, and for some reason, things are beginning to take shape. Two weeks ago I was certain that I was about to be homeless, without a car and had no job. In such a short time, I have regained employment, and as mentioned before, gotten my car payment caught up, and just this morning found out that I have another month in my apartment to get the money together.
I have one thought that keeps resurfacing this morning… “IF THINGS ARE THIS GOOD AT DAY 23, IMAGINE HOW GOOD THEY WILL BE IN SIX, NINE OR TWELVE MONTHS”… Odd how your thought process seems to become clearer everyday. I’m certainly not saying it is easy, detox is probably one of the most painful feelings you can experience, and the emotional roller coaster (mostly the depression that follows) is nearly overbearing. BUT…I just keep telling myself that I am clean-sober today and therefore I can handle much better today whatever happens that I could just 23 short days ago.
Thanks for all the prayers and thoughts you guys have sent my way. Keep ‘em coming…
As I begin day 23 I am faced with still many obstacles but the feeling of sobriety is so overpowering to me that I feel certain that I can face the obstacles. Somehow, and for some reason, things are beginning to take shape. Two weeks ago I was certain that I was about to be homeless, without a car and had no job. In such a short time, I have regained employment, and as mentioned before, gotten my car payment caught up, and just this morning found out that I have another month in my apartment to get the money together.
I have one thought that keeps resurfacing this morning… “IF THINGS ARE THIS GOOD AT DAY 23, IMAGINE HOW GOOD THEY WILL BE IN SIX, NINE OR TWELVE MONTHS”… Odd how your thought process seems to become clearer everyday. I’m certainly not saying it is easy, detox is probably one of the most painful feelings you can experience, and the emotional roller coaster (mostly the depression that follows) is nearly overbearing. BUT…I just keep telling myself that I am clean-sober today and therefore I can handle much better today whatever happens that I could just 23 short days ago.
Thanks for all the prayers and thoughts you guys have sent my way. Keep ‘em coming…
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Racine, WI
Posts: 206
Welcome Cliff and thanks for sharing your story!!
I don't know you, but I am still proud of you, as I am sure so many others are!!
You have found a wonderful place here at SR.....keep reading, posting......well, you know......"keep coming back".
I don't know you, but I am still proud of you, as I am sure so many others are!!
You have found a wonderful place here at SR.....keep reading, posting......well, you know......"keep coming back".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Knoxville, Tennessee
Posts: 14
Thanks (((skinner)))… Funny how emotions can swing from one extreme to another in such a short period of time. Right now, I am so confused, terrified, worried, upset…. Although, for the most part, things are looking up for me, I’m still battling with an enormous issue! My present relationship. Perhaps being clean-sober now my eyes are seeing things differently than before, suddenly the things that I overlooked and paid little attention to, or shut out with my drugs, are so clear to me…and they HURT bad…! I still want to make excuses and blame myself for this persons actions but I’m beginning to think it really isn’t my fault. Aside from alcohol and drug addiction I am the classic codependent person. Not surprising to anyone I’m sure, as most of us are.
The relationship seems to be getting worse, day by day. Seems that since last weekend it has only gotten worse. We seem to argue more, have less patience with each other and of course the trust factor!...whew…I’ve never been a very trusting person but add some clean-sober time and boy my trust seems to get less and less…which as you can imagine only adds more stress to the relationship.
My point here is that… I’m afraid that the relationship is ending and I really am not in the place, mentally, to handle that added stress right now. I feel this person pulling away from me, the phone calls are becoming farther between and just the general sense of care I’m receiving seems to be lessening. Although this person has never been a touchy feely kind of person, it seems to me that lately that too is getting worse. The sex is nearly non existent (with the only explanation being, Paxil???) and when I do feel like I want to make a move to be intimate or snuggly I’m meet with rolling eyes and resistance.
I know that I cannot allow this to stand in the way of my recovery and now I’m at a point where I’m questioning whether or not I need to just make the decision to deal with it head on and either explain my need for some time apart or just end it all together. A part of me says this person is thinking exactly the same thing and it’s all a matter of time before one of us gathers up the nerve to make the decision, or perhaps we are both waiting on each other… This person has in no way contributed to my addiction, having not even known anything about it, but the problem lies in the added mental stress that the relationship seems to be adding to my daily life.
BUT…how do you make the decision. My heart tells me to meet it head on and make the decision myself but I CANNOT do that! I’m the person who always says, “What if I had just held on a little longer, maybe it would have gotten better…” (if only I could develope this same philosophy in my recovery) and if I make the move and end it now, I will question myself forever. Then of course I sit and worry that I may get the “we need to talk” at any time in which case I will be more devastated that if I had taken the reigns myself…
I just don’t know what to do……
The relationship seems to be getting worse, day by day. Seems that since last weekend it has only gotten worse. We seem to argue more, have less patience with each other and of course the trust factor!...whew…I’ve never been a very trusting person but add some clean-sober time and boy my trust seems to get less and less…which as you can imagine only adds more stress to the relationship.
My point here is that… I’m afraid that the relationship is ending and I really am not in the place, mentally, to handle that added stress right now. I feel this person pulling away from me, the phone calls are becoming farther between and just the general sense of care I’m receiving seems to be lessening. Although this person has never been a touchy feely kind of person, it seems to me that lately that too is getting worse. The sex is nearly non existent (with the only explanation being, Paxil???) and when I do feel like I want to make a move to be intimate or snuggly I’m meet with rolling eyes and resistance.
I know that I cannot allow this to stand in the way of my recovery and now I’m at a point where I’m questioning whether or not I need to just make the decision to deal with it head on and either explain my need for some time apart or just end it all together. A part of me says this person is thinking exactly the same thing and it’s all a matter of time before one of us gathers up the nerve to make the decision, or perhaps we are both waiting on each other… This person has in no way contributed to my addiction, having not even known anything about it, but the problem lies in the added mental stress that the relationship seems to be adding to my daily life.
BUT…how do you make the decision. My heart tells me to meet it head on and make the decision myself but I CANNOT do that! I’m the person who always says, “What if I had just held on a little longer, maybe it would have gotten better…” (if only I could develope this same philosophy in my recovery) and if I make the move and end it now, I will question myself forever. Then of course I sit and worry that I may get the “we need to talk” at any time in which case I will be more devastated that if I had taken the reigns myself…
I just don’t know what to do……
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Anywhere,USA
Posts: 511
Ride out the rollercoaster of feelings and as long as she's still there by your side don't push her away right now...
You are going through huge mood swings & changes right now...give it time...it's only been 23 days...
Which is AWESOME!
Probably does have something to do with the paxil but don't just go off it, talk to your Doctor...there are others that won't interfere with the love life...
You are going through huge mood swings & changes right now...give it time...it's only been 23 days...
Which is AWESOME!
Probably does have something to do with the paxil but don't just go off it, talk to your Doctor...there are others that won't interfere with the love life...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Knoxville, Tennessee
Posts: 14
Thank you SO much (((Cindi R)))… That was an answer to my question. I have thought and prayed for many hours today about this situation and have concluded several different choices, non of which I’m confident with, but when I checked back on here and saw your post, it was like the answer to my question. I suppose your right, certainly now is not the time to be making any other HUGE decisions and my choice for now will be to do exactly what you said, “ride out the rollercoaster”. Thank you very much …
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Knoxville, Tennessee
Posts: 14
That of course is no guarantee that the decision will be completely up to me… When two people are involved, at anytime, either can make life changing choices. However, I will do as you (((Cindi R))) suggested, ride out the rollercoaster, because for now, that is what feels right… and if I am not met equally with the same decision, I can only pray that God will give me enough serenity to deal with it, without picking up! Thanks to all…
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Anywhere,USA
Posts: 511
(((Clif)))
I am by no means a relationship guru...but I know that as addicts we want instant gratification...
That's what we always got before, in the past.
However, recovery takes time.
I have a plaque which hangs on my wall that says
"Don't expect too much,
Too fast,
Too soon!"
Cause I need a constant reminder of that...
I am by no means a relationship guru...but I know that as addicts we want instant gratification...
That's what we always got before, in the past.
However, recovery takes time.
I have a plaque which hangs on my wall that says
"Don't expect too much,
Too fast,
Too soon!"
Cause I need a constant reminder of that...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Knoxville, Tennessee
Posts: 14
HAPPY NEW YEAR to all!!! I wish you all a wonderful, peaceful and SOBER-CLEAN New Year…
Wow, today has been a wonderful day! After allowing myself yesterday to become so distraught, over what I thought was most certainly “the end of a my relationship”, I finally made the contact I needed with this person and found out that I was totally wrong. (((Cindi R))) told me yesterday, “your going through huge mood swings an changes right now…give it time”… That really helped me a lot and most certainly proved to be true. I think one of my biggest fears was “our” New Years Eve plans, which included attending a party, where of course there would be lot’s of alcohol and I know that I am not ready for that right now… I probably never will be ready for that but I’m certain that I’m not right now. I guess I was expecting everyone’s plans to change now that I’m clean-sober… and I understand that I cant expect that from other people. My significant other is certainly trying hard to understand everything that has come about, but has no true grasp on my disease and perhaps never will…but is certainly trying to understand. The solution came when a co-worker made an invitation to another party to which I felt comfortable being able to stay home alone while letting my better half attend alone. I have worried and contemplated many different ideas for over two weeks now about my impending attendance to the aforementioned party and thank God, my Higher Power, that a solution was in the works for me way before I even knew about it! Now, although not my first choice, I can stay home, stay sober and feel confident that my better half is having a good time, yet being faithful… Doesn’t get much better than that does it? It just makes me feel really good when I know that things greater than me are at work here, when something falls into place and it just feels right… I love being clean-sober so very much, I am enjoying everyday so much more than I was ever being sloshed or doped up… I hope I can hang on to his feeling forever. I think I'm going to get myself ready and hit a 9pm meeting and maybe even share my joy with the group...I don't talk/share much at meetings but I might just have to do that tonight! Thanks to all who read and respond. I love you guys!
Wow, today has been a wonderful day! After allowing myself yesterday to become so distraught, over what I thought was most certainly “the end of a my relationship”, I finally made the contact I needed with this person and found out that I was totally wrong. (((Cindi R))) told me yesterday, “your going through huge mood swings an changes right now…give it time”… That really helped me a lot and most certainly proved to be true. I think one of my biggest fears was “our” New Years Eve plans, which included attending a party, where of course there would be lot’s of alcohol and I know that I am not ready for that right now… I probably never will be ready for that but I’m certain that I’m not right now. I guess I was expecting everyone’s plans to change now that I’m clean-sober… and I understand that I cant expect that from other people. My significant other is certainly trying hard to understand everything that has come about, but has no true grasp on my disease and perhaps never will…but is certainly trying to understand. The solution came when a co-worker made an invitation to another party to which I felt comfortable being able to stay home alone while letting my better half attend alone. I have worried and contemplated many different ideas for over two weeks now about my impending attendance to the aforementioned party and thank God, my Higher Power, that a solution was in the works for me way before I even knew about it! Now, although not my first choice, I can stay home, stay sober and feel confident that my better half is having a good time, yet being faithful… Doesn’t get much better than that does it? It just makes me feel really good when I know that things greater than me are at work here, when something falls into place and it just feels right… I love being clean-sober so very much, I am enjoying everyday so much more than I was ever being sloshed or doped up… I hope I can hang on to his feeling forever. I think I'm going to get myself ready and hit a 9pm meeting and maybe even share my joy with the group...I don't talk/share much at meetings but I might just have to do that tonight! Thanks to all who read and respond. I love you guys!
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