harleygirl92156

I want to forgive, but just can't seem to get there. I am able to forgive what I know, but not what is being kept from me. He admits there are things he is keeping from me and it torments me and hinders my ability to forgive. Any suggestions?????

somebodysfool

I would tell my husband anything you've done I am willing to forgive you for, usually meaning up to that particular point. When things were done after that I wasn't as forgiving.
Now after he has been getting mimimal help at best trying to discover the program and fight off his demons, he is is a lose, lose situation cause even when he tells me the truth about things I have a hard time believing him. Anyway this is not the point.
Ann posted on What is Recovery? Forgive and br Free. 35 threads regarding forgiveness. Maybe it will help. Because the forgiveness really benefits us.

J

harleygirl92156

Leaving this for hubby to read today. It describes how I feel.

EYE OPENER.....July 14

Suspicion, and its first cousin, jealousy are the world's most bitter poisens. They are compounded from surmise, rumor and malicious gossip and are mixed with the retort of conrused and unsure minds.
They serve no useful purpose on earth, but they torture all who possess them. It is much better for a person to have his worst fears justified than to ive with unproven suspicions.

I have heard the rumors and malicious gossip, lots of it. If I ask him about anything I hear, he states "That is in the past and I refuse to live in the past and I won't discuss it." It is so frustrating. He maintains I know he cheated and that is all that is important. I know some of you agree. I tried to accept that, I just don't have it within me. I work my program and have made HUGE changes and am becoming a much happier person. This just keeps the wedge in place and is holding our relationship back from growing to wonderful levels.

Thanks for listening.
God Bless

Cap3

More will be revealed,as he is processing recovery.Takes time.Not my time,when i want things to happen.[Rats,,lol}..In the meantime,i did not demand,or have a hammer over anyones head.Which was hard,because i wanted to know all right away.This is where my own recovery comes into it all.To learn patience.Tolerance.Acceptance of where another is in their own recovery.Because i know that healing is a process,its not an event,that happens..When he was ready to tell things,he did,.Same as myself too.Forgivenss is a gift that sets me free.Forgiveness,is so important,for me,to do,that forgivenss is there in my heart,even if another says nothing.All that stuff i mentally went through because i did,not forgive is just not worth it to me.Changed behaviour is an amends.Id rather someone not tell me something,and change their behaviour,than someone who tells me all,and keeps repeating unacceptable behaviour.My recovery,my saness,does not depend upon others.My love for hub,is not conditional,on what he tells me and what he doesnt.Our marriage,my focus is on my part,and what can i give.Once,he or i realizes where we have gone amiss,we both change our behaviour.There is no wedge between us,because neither one of us has put it there.We both allow each to grow,learn,and change,at our own pace,no pressure.If one of us doesnt talk about it,thats ok.Because changed behaviour is where its at,for us.He went to see a priest,in early recovery,doing his 5th step,and i asked nothing.This is between God,the priest,and him.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!!

harleygirl92156

I know all this, I believe all this and it sure looks good on paper, BUT SO VERY HARD TO LIVE!!!!

SimsplyRuth

to forgive... which I heard my first serious year in Al-Anon and never forgot. When I feel I should forgive- but can't - that is when I ask my HigherPower to help me come to a point where I would be willing to want to forgive. Baby steps...

Thank you for letting me share

TakingCharge999

My two cents

If you are not ready to forgive, then you aren't.. accept it is part of the process and work on your current emotions. I believe forgiveness will result naturally, after I let myself feel angry, bitter, resented, betrayed, hurt, etc. accept I have those feelings, acknowledge the dimension of them and get them out of my system... in constructive ways.

Otherwise I do not have enough space available for forgiveness to settle in my heart

It is frustrating it seems so far away but that is why we need to make an extra effort not to keep that trash inside us

Hugs

inahaze

During one of our split-ups, AH told me about a girl he he was talking to 3 days after he moved out. Two weeks later he was doing it with her and 2 more weeks later he moved in with her and her son.

So, within a month he went from I can't live without you, you're the best thing in my life, I can't stand to be without you to I'm living with someone else. Of course this gal was happy because he fit into her lifestyle of drinking and pill popping.

Of course he still swears he never cheated on me while we were ever currently together. I don't quite believer that one.

Forgiveness isn't an easy task and if something in your past is still bothering you then it's really not the past because it's affecting your present.

My AH says the exact same things as yours, that I shouldn't let the past bother me...easier said than done.

LaTeeDa

Just an FYI--Harleygirl made this post over three years ago.

L

GiveLove

Your native american name can be "Talks Eloquently To The Past" Thanks for your posts anyway......I hope harleygirl can hear them in her heart and hope she's in a good spot now.

TakingCharge999

LOL I was like "what are they talking about" and now I know
Maybe this thread will help someone in the present.
Well at least it made me laugh at myself !!