Shancy80

Hello everyone, I posted in another board earlier today and someone kindly replied and told me to poke my head in here and post, Thank you! I have been dealing with my husbands drug addictions for almost 6 years. And after finally thinking we had reached a milestone, I come home from work yesterday only to find out he has been using again for the past 2 months. I don't know what to do anymore, we have 3 small children who rely on us and I am just tired, emotionally and physically. Why does he keep doing this to us? How did I not notice it was happening again? Now looking back I can see certain signs that I guess I ignored, and I feel so stupid, so unimportant to him and used. I don't want to leave him, but I don't know what to do. I am numb. There's really no other way to explain it. It's like someone put a tap on my emotions and I can't feel anything. When I look at him it's like I'm not really seeing him. How did this happen to me? Did I do something to cause it? He refuses to go to rehab, he tells me that he has stopped before he can stop again. He doesn't understand that, yes he does stop, but he starts again. And each time it's something different. I'm sorry to ramble, I just feel like I have no one to talk to.

meli2005

No, you did not cause any of this. Please wipe those thoughts from your head.

It is not up to you to control his drug use. Sometimes we get caught up in life and we miss the small details, please don't blame yourself.

He is responsible for his own actions, not you.

I know you must be tired with three small children. I have one and he wears me down a lot!! Plus I work full time, feel like I don't have much to give sometimes.

He did not do this to hurt you intentionally, though it sure feels that way!!

You must set boundaries. Like you must get help or we cannot continue in this relationship.

No one likes a relationship to end. I know you love him and he is the father of your children. It hurts like H**l!!

We all understand what you are going thru, so keep coming back and welcome!!!

Addictions are so painful to deal with. Unless you have been there, you don't understand.

Dalloway

Welcome. I am kind of a newbie too. All I can say is that there are some very nice people here that help with the loneliness and know a lot about recovery. I feel numb a lot too. People here are kind and have a sense of humor and reading their lively posts helps to make me *feel* connected to humanity again, not just the wife who holds the drunk's family together.

Rose56

Welcome Shancy, this is a great place to get support and understanding. We have all been there at some time or other. I agree that it is not your fault for not noticing that he was using. Its not your job to be hiper alert to his stuff. I also agree that he is not doing this to you, it is unfortunate that you are affected by it but he is probably not doing it to hurt you. Addiction is a difficult disease to beat and is hard to understand. The best thing you can do is to find an Alanon group in your area and start attending. Also post here, a lot, and read others posts. It is so powerful to be in community with others that share your situation. Hang in there and get help for yourself. Welcome, keep coming back.

aem

I Am Married To An A, But I Have No Children So I Cant Imagine What You Are Going Through In That Regards, But I Understand The Love You Have For Your Husband And How Much You Hope That He Will Love You, And, In Your Case, His Children Enough To Just Give It All Up. And Im Sure That He Loves You And Your Children Very Much But His Addiction Has Taken Over His Life Just As It Has Taken Over Yours.
Hope Everything Works Out

Here Is A Good Quote I Saw Recently
"you Can't Change A Man, Unless He's In Diapers"

Cynay

Welcome to SR... we are glad you found us.

*hugs* I know how hard it is, how disapointed and worn down you can get from dealing with the issues that come along with living with an A.

One thing I think that helped me alot is .... HONEST he is was not "doing" this to me, it really has nothing to do with me and everything to do with his addiction. There are many people I know that love Alcoholics and live with them and learn to have peace and senerity in their lives... Most of them I have met are in Al-anon and you have to always remember that they are people ... people we love and its ok to love an Alcoholic.

The problem is learning to live with one, personally I got as sick as my A did.... I look back to the person I was a year ago and Im soooo amazed. I did not like her very much, she was simply crazy... unhappy... controling.... and one of the most ANGRY women I have see.... YEP that was me. I just suggest getting a support group and some help in learning to deal. Ala-non worked for me and many others .. though some choose other ways.

We are always here for you, Please keep coming back and letting us get to know you!

Shancy80

What do I do if he refuses to get help? He won't acknowledge that he has a "real" problem. In his mind, he just gets carried away. He won't admit or acknowledge what it does to me when this happens. I can't trust him with money or anything for that matter. I work full time and I am lucky enough that my mother keeps the kids while I am at work, he hasn't been working, but luckly he just got a job and starts next week. What will he do with his paychecks? I don't want to "mother" him, but my first priority is to make sure that the children are taken care of. He should have the responsibility too and he doesn't and honestly, it makes me so angry that he doesn't. Is there any hope of it working? I wanted so much more for myself when I married him and I feel like he is just throwing it away.

Rose56

Shancy, get help for yourself, that will help the whole situation. If he will agree, I would take the paychecks and not worry about mothering. It is hard for an addict to take responsibility, you are expecting a lot. I don't know if there is hope of the relationship working, but I do know that there is hope for you. Alanon can help.

Cynay

The only thing you can contol is you...

I went and got help for me, and once I took the focus off him, set my boundries and learned to detach... Well its amazing how much better my life became.

nocellphone

The first thing you can do is to get help for yourself, which I believe you've done by opening up here. I honor you for your courage in dragging this into the light. Addiction thrives in darkness...

He'll either make some positive changes or he won't. He may not yet understand that his behaviors and choices affect those around him, as addiction is a selfish disease and denial is its foundation. I've learned that I'm powerless to break another person's denial and that it's not my job to try. Too frustrating, too exhausting...

Today my job is to take care of myself so that I can be of benefit to this world. If I'm not taking care of me (which includes frequent attendance at Al-Anon meetings), then I have nothing much to offer.

As for the frozen feelings, I need to remember that numb is also a feeling. It's the feeling I get when I'm on emotional overload, when I can take no more and my emotions go into a protective state of shock. The good news is that you can get your feelings back and learn not to be a slave to them. The simplest definition of recovery I've ever heard is "getting back what was lost or stolen".

It sounds to me like your husband's addiction has been a thief in your life. Perhaps it's time you took steps to recover what you rightly deserve: your feelings, your sense of security, your sanity, your life...

Know that you have supportive people here who understand and care.

Shancy80

Thank all of you for your advice and comforting words. I guess if I am really honest with myself, I would be able to admit that I am angry. I'm angry because I feel cheated and I am angry because I can't make the choice to not love him anymore and just walk away. That would be the easiest thing to do, I am just scared that once again things won't get better. And I don't know if my heart can go through this anymore. I am going to talk to him about getting help after I calm down a little, but for now I am going to help myself by posting here and reading everyone elses posts. I have contacted Al-Anon for help. Is it normal behavior for an addict to quickly dismiss your feelings and make you feel crazy for thinking they have a problem?

nocellphone

Sounds like an appropriate feeling to have, considering the circumstances.

Yup. It's a classic addict maneuver. Anything to move the focus off of them...

I would add that no one can make me feel anything unless I give them the power to do so. My feelings are my responsibility.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"--Eleanor Roosevelt

Zoey

Might want to wait a bit for that talk after some more reading and some Al-Anon.
When we stop talking about the problem and get busy with ourselves, they start to wonder what is going on, so then down the road they might listen.
Just a thought. Take care and keep coming back and remember take what you can use and leave the rest.

Rose56

Shancy, I felt angry too, that I couldn't just walk away from hubby and start a new life for myself. I felt disappointed in myself and weak. But I found that deep inside I knew, that I needed to work on me, and I knew that there was something in the relationship that was valuable and could be saved. Now 4 years later, thing are much better between us, and I am not so angry. Not that everything is peachy, he is still an active alcoholic, but I have grown in ways I could not have done if I had prematurely left him and tried to start over. I just wanted to validate your feeling that you can't just leave now. Even if you decide to stay and he decides to continue to drink, your life can be better, way better. Don't do anything that doesn;t feel right.

Rho

Shancy (((hugs))) to ya' in more ways then 1. You are in a wonderful site. I came across this site almost 2 yrs ago and I am SOOO thankful for it.

U are NOT to blame for what you AH is & has done to you. Addiction is a sick, twisted, messed up thing that happens & sometimes controls more people then we all would like to admit!

I have been having a NEVER ending baddle with my soon to be Ex husband. He is very control, put it this way there is no way in life but his. Which is his way or NO Fing way & if you don't/or won't do it his way life can be a living hell.

It had gotten so messed up that I had gotten involved with the drug use from July 2003 - Feb 2004. Feb 21, 04 we went our seperate ways he ran home to his mommy (whom he also controls), and then took our son (born 8/27/02) for a so called visit & when I went to pick him up my AH wouldn't allow me to get him. We argued then HE bit HIMSELF, called thes cops said I did it & I was arrested in front of my daughter and her best friend. Then it got worse unfortunatly, he would not allow me to EVER pick up or see my son and the cops KEPT telling me to take it to family court an until then they can not help me.

The long & short of it...I went to court (still keep getting motions filed on me), won SOLE custody, he has supervised visit (by his mom), has to pay child support & so forth. Sick thing was Feb of this year I really thought he deserved another chance, that he was really sincere and all (still won't work), so I gave him another chance and my famil & my daughter were so mad at me after all the hell my AH put me through. Only for him to relapse Feb., Apr., & May that I know of, and I walked away for good (I hope). I got a lawyer and filed for a divorce and it is and was 1 of the hardest things I had to do.

No one I am friends with or family can understand me confusion. They HATE when I blame myself for what went wrong, I put myself through such a sick guilt trip, I always seem to 2nd guess my actions

But hon, I Have been drug free since 2/21/04 & VERY proud of it, working full time, living at home with my parents & 2 kids cause of money but also because I feel safer, Most important I am finally taking care of myself & as long as I do, I'll stay strong and with being strong I will be the BEST parent I could ever Be.

Sorry if I rambled, girl hang in there, see if he will go to an NA meeting, but most important take yourself to a Alanon meeting, you'll realize you are NOT alone out there. My prayers are going out for you & your family (((HUG, HUG, HUG)))