Dalloway

Hi all,
I came here because I knew I was getting more unhealthy. I think too much about my AH and worry constantly about the future, our kids, what decisions I should make. I have been reading mostly and learning. I know I should go to a meeting. I feel getting to one is monumental, with work and kids and chores and the lack of energy I feel. I know that's lame. There is some denial working in me. The more I think about recovery the more I have to admit and it hurts.

Today I was getting ready for work and in the background all those thoughts were "playing". I'm sure you know the ones. I went in the garage and was thinking about how last night I found this little bottle size brown bag in the trash and I was wondering where he hides it and if he ever thinks about quitting in earnest, if he will ever have a rock bottom, and how if I leave him my kids will still have an A dad and will I be able to keep them away from him when he is binging...because he hides it so well and is so 'functional'. And then I backed right into the garage door. It was a nice little symbol that I too have a problem. As if we can afford to replace that! Holy cow. What do I do to start recovering for real?

GettingBy

Ah yes, my "bottom" was something quite similiar too! I had gotten home from work, was calling my husband on his cellphone, which rang and rang and then I got voicemail. I panicked. Starting thinking about all the places he could be (at a bar, passed out on the side of the road, car accident, DWI, etc), and kept calling and calling and calling. I was freaked out, didn't know what to do, racing up and down the stairs, pacing the house... and then I bumped my head (we have low ceilings upstairs!) and I lost it and put my foot through the wall! I stopped and actually said out loud, "Oh my gosh, I've done it. I've lost control. I need help." I was mortified at what I had done and there was no way to hide it. My embarassment for my own behavior was the motivation I needed to get myself to my first Al-anon meeting. Seeing the hole every day (it's still there, over a year later!) is a nice reminder to keep going.

The first step of my REAL recovery was admitting I had a problem. I was sick from trying to control something that was out of my control. Step One... I am powerless over other people, places and things.

Keep coming back!
Shannon

Rose56

Welcome Dalloway, nice name, this is a great place. Take it easy on yourself, most people have trouble getting to their first meeting. You are on your way, by just thinking about it. WHy don't you just start with us, post here frequently and tell us all about what is going on and how you feel. What your worries are. We love to listen, it helps us to understand ourselves too. COming to Alanon was one of the best things I have ever done for myself, but I had to be ready. The first time I went to meetings about 12 years ago, it didn;t take. I cam back about 4 years ago and it has been a lifeline. Posting here is wonderful.

About your lack of energy, it is so understandable. With young children and this huge peoblem hanging over your head, you also may have a bit of depression. Perhaps you could try to take a walk with the kids a few days a week. The exercise will be good for you and good too to get the kids out of the house. Hang in there, you can feel better whether he stops drinking or not.

aem

I Know How You Feel When You Say He Is A "functional" A. My Ah Is The Same And He Feels That If It Doesnt Effect His Job Or Our Income That It Is Not Causing Any Problems.
And You Would Think That If He Sees His Wife Upset, Crying Almost Every Day About Him Being An A, That He Would Realize That It Is Causing A Problem, A Problem In Our Marriage And Our Friendship.
It Is Easy To Become Preoccupied With His Problem, But When You Do That You Are Causing Your Own Problems. Sometimes It's Best To Just Take Your Self Away From The Situation. Go Out Instead Of Staying In. Hang Out With Family Or Friends. Anything To Get Your Mind Off Of It For A Little While. Otherwise You Will Drive Yourself Insane. Believe Me.

robina

That was a clear message from your higher power... The madness of the disease will hurt us if we don't do something about it (we can't afford to not work our recovery program)

Robin

Cynay

I may need it but I hate when God "bonks" me on the head like that

cloudy

Hi Dalloway, listen to you, you have a great sense of humor in the midst of all this, and great insight to stop and think about the garage door incident the way you did. This stuff is all so overwhelming. I had an "incident" yesterday, this lady from Alanon gave me a pin over the summer and I stuck it on my purse. It's a butterfly that says "just for today." Well, the back came off apparently and when I went to zip my purse shut it punctured my thumb...oooh I was yellin at that pin!

I know it's overwhelming, I hope you do get a chance to go to Alanon, because I really believe it helps (find a group you're comfortable with). So does coming to places like this though, for absolute sure. If you can have both, that's the best. Just remember this is an absolute ton to process. It takes a lot of time so be patient. But I do believe you will learn a lot and be able to move toward a better feeling from continuing to reach out for support like you are doing here. Get all you can

((hugs)) love cloudy