kennethhoff

This may sound a bit crazy to some, but I have thought of nothing else for many days since I knew my pain was unmanageable and I started to go to Alanon meetings last week. But I started to realize that maybe I am addicted to love. Is this even possible?
I am the product of an alcoholic father and have lived in that background until I was twenty-three than moved out. I always felt sad, depressed and isolated as a young child/adult, and abandonmnet ruled my life.
At 17/18 I met a girl then, whom I fell in love with. It was though everything was suddenly right and my whole personality and being changed. When we broke up, I was devestated, and I haven't let her or the emotional attachment go, even until now which is 25 years later.
I started thinking several months ago after serious emotional pain, that something was wrong, even more than my feelings for her. And as I started therapy, going to Alanon, and many deep reflective days/nights, I started to wonder, could it be not just her, but could I be addicted to love?

I felt pain before her, I met her and my life was nothing but high, maybe my brain changed, when she left, I was deflated, and I have been looking for love ever since. It is all I think about so much.
My dad had the genes of addiction and used alcohol, do I have the genetic pre-disposition and use love the same way he used alcohol? I am not talking about physical sex, I am talking about emotional love.
Is this way off base? Has anyone heard of this? Is this wider than what little I know about it? I am just wondering what others have experienced, learned or talked about with others.

Thanks
Ken

splendra

((((kenneth))))

I have a brother with that name....Anyway I think you are not addicted to love but, what you think love is...

Love is more than a feeling you have when you are with someone. Love is energy! Love is a connection to all that is and knowing that you are a part of everything. When you love you are secure and you just know that because you are a part of everything that you are loved. Love is not about wheather or not you have a life time mate. Love is seeing something beautiful in nature and knowing that you are just as beautiful. Love is knowing that every human being is precious even if you do not want to sleep with them and that every person we encounter is worthy of our respect even if we don't like what they are doing. Love gives and receives and waits, prays, has faith, love is the greatest of things and the least of things. We can make false idols to what we think love is but, if it does not cause us joy we can be sure that it is not love...

Peter

"Love addiction" seems to be a very real and life harming condition.

"Love addicts" also tend to be codependents so you could try checking out available Coda meetings in your area.

http://www.codependents.org/


If not you could contact Sex and Love addicts Anonymous. They might be able to help you.

http://www.slaafws.org/

nocellphone

Amazing post, splendra... I'm nearly speechless (tho' apparently not nearly enough to keep me from posting a reply )

I had the same problem. Since being in recovery, I've come to redefine my concept of love. It's no longer the "love" I witnessed while growing up with alcoholism ("I can't live without you!"), nor is it the "love" the media would have me buy into ("You...complete...me..." Ack. *vomits*). What I thought was love turned out to be something closer to sick neediness on my part and on the part of those I attracted. It looks more and more like addiction...

I can define love in no better way than splendra has above, so instead I'll say what I believe love is not:

If it causes me anxiety, worry and fear, then it is not love. If I am afraid of losing it, it is not love. If I have in any way manipulated it into my life, it is not love.

And if I feel unworthy of having it in my life, it is not love.

I always thought that old saying about not being able to love anyone until I could love myself was a big pile of crap. Funny thing, it turned out to be true...

Gabe

Kenneth, there is a great post in the Relationships forum about obsessive love.
Check it out.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ove-21155.html

kennethhoff

Gabe,

All I can say is thank you. What an excellent referred post. I read it and all I could say was WOW. this is me.

I am faced with my most difficult decision these days. I have someone in my life, a woman I have known for 27 years. We dated in HS, instant attraction and I felt in love. The "high" hit me like a ton of bricks. Then we broke up. I feel as though as I have been chasing that high ever since to the point of obsessive love.

I am so so so much emotionaly attached to her, that I know right now I cannot just break it off cleanly. I think if I did I would go into a major depression, because I already have clinical depresssion. But at the same time, I am finally getting the voice that she is not good for me. I know in my heart it has NOTHING to do with her and is all me. And I want is the strength sooooooo badly to break it off emotionally and move on. But it is the hardest thing I have ever faced and just the thought of it makes me shudder. I wish I knew Gabe, I wish I knew!

Ken

blueglass

See, there you go again Kenneth, steppin' all over my wavelength!

I was thinking about something odd that I used to do and still find myself doing - I have this weird obsession with my left hand, third finger. When I was a teenager, I used to always wear rings that looked like engagement rings, and at 36 years old, I STILL do! When I see an attractive man, for some reason, my eyes go immediately to his left hand, third finger, even when I either have no chance of meeting the person, or of them being attracted to me. I was driving to the mall today, and I had rings on my left hand that would make anyone that saw it think I was married. Maybe it has something to do with me wanting the rest of the world to think someone loves me. Who knows! But before I went into the store, I took the rings and put them on my middle finger. That made me wonder too, but in a funny way *lol*

I don't know if my longing for a chance to prove that I can exist in a 'normal' relationship, and the past yearning to raise children, and raise them better than my parents raised us (atmosphere wise) has anything to do with it or not. As the years pass by, the hope floats by and I'm not as upset by it as I used to be, so maybe I'm breaking my addiction. I'm still gonna check out that co-dependent's website, the answer could be closer than I think!

kennethhoff

Just a quickie here
I thought about this all last night, hardly slept. Right now, and being perfectly honest, I don't see/feel a way of breaking this attachment. It is like cutting off my left arm. Twenty-seven years of the strongest emotional attachment! Even when I know it is not for the best. Wow!. I keep wondering If I will ever have the strength, and what will it take to get me to that point?

Ken (please, no Kenneth

DesertEyes

Yo Ken. The answer is "One day at a time". You can't undo 27 years of self harm in one day, but you _can_ focus on just today. It's the way all the rest of us heal, not all of a sudden, but over time.

Mike :-)

nocellphone

Now I'm not judgin' here, Ken, I'm just sayin'...

What if we substitute a few words in your post and see what happens (this usually works for me so I can see what the issue might really be rather than what I'm content to call it. It's a way to get past my denial...)?

...or this...

Mike stated the answer as simply as it can be put. Recovery unfolds a day at a time. It's a process, not an event.

kennethhoff

Yes, I agree. It takes take, but when I see the truth, I recognize it. And you are both right, it will take time. Alot of time. But one day at a time is the right way. So I will try my best.

Ken

utopia

i dont believe in love addiction but rather in addiction to emotional attachements, codependency, not being able or wanting to stand alone. for me it stems from still needing love and protection from my parents. those unmet needs left me feeling starved and wanting someone to rescue and look after me, i never felt able to to stop crawling emotionally. only in recovery have i seen love as a state of being rather than a feeling for an object or person. i believe a lot of my happiness stems from giving love. from petting a cat to the extreme of feeding the poor, i dotn have to go all mother theresa but having loving feelings in my life towards everything is good for me. as a child i foun i couldnt love my parents, esp my abusive father so i had this build up of affection. what is love? a question that has been and will be asked for all time im sure. i just read as many definitions and find that i cant really put it into words but its an inexpressible feeling, of warmth, connection to my surroundings, of peace freedom and flying. it flows through me from the universe and its directed at everything but its feels different when i love a relative, friend, stranger or partner. i think romantic relationships are more intense because its the one realtionship where all facets of my being, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual can be immersed in the feelings of love. we all try our best i think. love and loving can be different things for me. but i had to learn love for me and my god of my understanding before love could flow through to those around me.

escape artist

so glad you asked cause i now realize that i was given the wonderful opportunity to understand this better. for awhile there i had decided i must not know what love really was and after seeing the list of confusing pity with love- (codependent trait) i was fairly devastated that this was the illusion my marriage was based on.

fast forward to my most recent encounter with love.-- in an Al-Anon meeting!!! there was a person whom i cared about in the al-anon style- but when he said something about an event in his life which was very painful- I felt this overwhelming - majorly - heart bursting feeling of LOVE!- but then i recognized how i was feeling and said WHOA! THis must be COMPASSION!- and it was a very strong loving feeling out of real compassion. and i was somewhat wary, but relieved to understand that i could now recognize how my feelings of compassion feel to me.

later on down the road as i got to know a special someone- i definitely had this wonderful feeling of joy and love- just because this person was who they are....it was not pity, it was not the compassion i had recently recognized. it was a joyful, peaceful kind of loving feeling. i am glad to know that i am capable of feeling love....again.

so i am proud to say that i have been doing lots of recovery work for the past year now and lots of good recovery tools were found right here on SR as well as in the Al-Anon meetings and Al-Anon literature. my therapist is a good sounding board as i heal.

so give yourself the time and opportunity to go on your journey towards finding out about you and what is love, because i am sure it will be the most rewarding journey you will ever go on!

kennethhoff

Thank you for sharing EA. It will take some time I know. I think the one thing I can say now even for the short few Alanon meetings I have been to, is that I have confused love, with being in love.

I understand the love that comes from compassion, helping others, caring about others, etc.. that I have felt. I guess because of the few bad relationships I have had, I wanted so much to BE in love, and that is where the confusion came in.

I am just now seeing a therapist and going to Alanon, and it takes alot to deal with all the stuff I (we all) went thru as kids with our alcoholic
parent(s). I am just beginning to see how all of my relationships, and much of my behavior has been driven by how I was raised, what I was taught, what I was given (or not), and so on....

With as much happiness as I feel from starting to know, it is mixed with the real pain from now starting to deal with it. I know it is worth it though, too bad it has to hurt so much.

Thanks again for sharing your story and your thoughts!

- Ken