jakatak

Spent last evening at my adult sister's home. She is disabled...has been since the age of 13. Lost her leg to cancer. She's 51 and I'm 56. When she lost her leg, I became the forgotten child. I have been relatively successful in my life and my horribly abusive alcoholic mother has been verbally abusive to both my sister and myself. Even my Father, before he passed away 10 years ago. She is very dysfunctional and probably and can be extremely cruel. We all are alcoholics.....it is truly sad. I have been sober for over 60 days and have vowed to stay sober for the rest of my life. I am recently remarried to a wonderful woman and her family is so "normal" I just love them to death. My Christmas Eve at my sisters was the worst day of my life. After dealing with her drunkeness and the pleading by me to her husband and son to please stop feeding her drinks, just got me in trouble with my mother. She is 79 years old, but on the way home she hurt me verbally more than she ever has in her entire life. I felt so humiliated that my current wife had to hear this sick woman rant and rave until I could get her home. I am so sick and tired of the craziness around me. I wish I could find a forum to share these feelings. I'm amazed that I was able to raise to kids, hold down a good job for all these years after still feeling like a 10 year old with this "crazy" woman berating me.

michski

Oh yeah, I can definitely relate. I am spending the holidaze with my brother who is doing really well in his recovery too. It's been such a long long time that we've been together during this time period it really provoked a lot of emotion in me. I had so many flashbacks on Xmas's past with our diet pill graduated to speed addicted parents. The holidaze were always stolen by our mother who would eventually drown us all in her own self pity. We all were relieved when she passed away...
When I became an adult I used to lie to my folks and tell them that I was away and wouldn't be able to come to their place of torture for the holidaze. Please do the same next year... you don't have to confront her. You will never win and she probably will never understand you or truly know you because she will most likely remain the same.. lost in a sea of self pity and misery. Like myself you may one day accept that your mom suffered from mental illness and you may even find it in your heart to forgive her. But you don't have to subject yourself to her pain anymore. You have a new family and that's where you belong. Shining in the light of people who are whole and can love and with whom you feel safe to love..
You are sober and are willing to change so hang with the winners!

jakatak

I'm one hurting dude today. My wife had to go to work. So, I'm home thinking about what happened the other night. My wife just sat quietly in the car while my "Mother" spewed such vile garbage about me. I was so embarrassed. My ex-wife of 25 years...also alcoholic, and still a friend of mine..being that she is the mother of my two children...also felt my Mother's wrath! I was hoping that my current wife would have escaped her demonic garbage. I was just praying...that she could keep her cool in her older age. But...she just cannot do it. I do not want to ever see her again. I know that is difficult for me to accept. But, this abuse has gone on my entire life. It is always about her. I cannot believe how unhealthy she really is....my sister isn't much better, and I'm certainly far from perfect. But...I do know that being chemically free, I am so much more aware of the sickness that comes from my Mom and my sister. I had so much fun over at my wife's home on Christmas Day. No...they aren't perfect, but there was no fear of someone saying something incredibly hurtful or being mean-spirited.

now2001

sad but true there is a lot of familys out there with this disease. the good news is that there is help for you. i cant think of the rest of my life but i can think about today(the program) when i choose to go to a place that i know there will be drinking i put my self in jerpody i know that, so i go to the safe haven of AA and spend my holidays there.only a person that is in a bad mental state would expect me to go and be missarable on christmas. Beleive me my mother would love to have me there when she is bringing up the past all the time she is getting drunk, she would love to see me get drunk and join the FUN? (fun?) i could get in a fight with my brothers and talk about stuff that is no longer part of my life but i choose to be with people that talk about the things that are in my and their lives now. If i went to a bar or to my familys house and sat there while they drank i would probily fall off the wagon, life is to precious to let sick people rule my life. good luck !!!!

Little Missy

Welcome to SR!! Congratulations on your 60 days and for not drinking during all of that!! You are starting a new and wonderful life.

I agree, you no longer have to subject yourself to that kind of treatment. Can't pick your family!! All we can do is accept them for who they are. And make a choice of whether or not we want that in our lives.

I am sorry for your pain. But just think, this can be the last time she hurts you.

Hugs,
Missy

jakatak

Thank you

velvet

Little Missy is right jak...I didn't go to my "family" dinner, because I knew I would get mad and hate them all over again. Instead, I rescued my addict daughter from abusive fu***** boyfriend....had a much better time. Remove yourself from situations or people that make you feel bad. No one deserves to be treated poorly. Good luck on you sobriety.

Done_With_It

velvet

Oh Done.........you've gone and Done-It-Again...bravo. You are full of wisdom. Jak, there you have it. You don't even need anymore responses. Hugs and smooches to you Done.

Cindi R

When you were a child you had no choice but to be held hostage and be abused in this manner...
Now that you're an adult, you do have choices. Next year, if you think that you must visit them for Christmas...I'd plan on going early afternoon and only staying for a very short time, before the heavy drinking begins.
Mamma can get a cab ride home...
There is no excuse for allowing her to get wasted and verbally abusive, you do have a right to pass on that part of the scenario.

ASH

Hi Jackatak,
Welcome and congrats on 60 days, keep going. For me, dealing with these type of problems becomes much clearer with sobriety. It will be the same for you.
If this is what happens every time you visit your family then either dont go at all, or go for brunch. All you have to do is give youself permission and that you CAN DO. For years I would just leave town on vacation for the holidays to avoid the entire drama, and it is drama for more of us than I would like to think.
Hope to see more of you here!
Take Care

jakatak

Here's the kicker! My sister...who was the most drunk one at the little family get to-gether.....who was not speaking to her husband. And although she is disabled...with one leg. She barks at her husband to do everything but wipe her ass. And he obliges...because the home he grew up in was worse than ours!!!! He's got a PhD and he still suffers from terrible self-esteem. A wonderful human being who just wants to be loved. Anyway....this is the woman that was so obnoxious...and I was asking her son and husband to please try and limit the drinks....seeing that my son was getting very uncomfortable as she got louder and more controlling and just irritating....Not really abusive...just flat out irritating! Well.....she writes to me to say....that she's had it...never again! And don't respond! And I have my husband and my 6 cats and three dogs and she done with me! Pretty much the same message my Mother gave me on the ride home when she said that I thought that I was better than them! Yes...I did get a DWI and I was embarrassed. I am not proud of my drinking past...but I never was abusive or mean or hurtful to any members of my family. I am the one with the college education. The nice home....and I have always had to feel guilty about that. So...my Mother tells me that I'm no Saint...and my wife needed to hear how controlling I am and I'm not my Mom's or sister's boss and on and on and it got darker as the drive home seemed to take forever....and don't ever contact me again!!!! Same message from both!!!! Insanity!!!

CarolD

Hello Jack Welcome!

Keep the email...if you are invited to her place again
Decline and send it back to her as the reason!

It is up to YOU to stop the verbal abuse.


Congratulations on your new marriage and sober time.

Chy

Jak, your in a safe place now, you'll get a of support as well. You may even want to check out Alanon for yourself dealing with your mother. Some times no matter how old we are when the realization hits, it's okay to let go of those toxic relationships no matter who they are. Now your taking control of your own life and with that comes some tough decisions. We'll be here every step of the way. *hugs*

ASH

WOW, great New Years gift from both, give yourself permission to accept