Sucked In Again!
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Sucked In Again!
Hello:
I hope you all don't get disgusted with me but I Did It Again! I trusted the boy and he turned on me like an animal. When will I learn and stop being such a sap! How much more abuse do I need to take before I learn that he just doesn't care about anyone especially me!
Yesterday, he called (just when things were settling down after he asked about co-signing for a car) he was in Reno. Today I get a call and he is here! He is at a motel said he flew in last night arrived at 12:30 PM. He said why don't you come by and we can visit. I thought, ok, maybe go to lunch. I have to make up all kinds of excuses to be out of the house that long (sad, because my husband trusts me so much). I go to the motel and there he is with all this luggage (four pieces) and said he has to leave because it was check out time already. I asked where he was going and he said to a motel somewhere else which happens to be close to where the girlfriend lives. I drive him there and he's yelling at the top of his lungs the entire time because I told him his planning was not good, and that he should have thought this plan through before he just took off without enough money to last him. He said it would have worked but didn't plan on the cab fare costing so much! He continued to yell, and said he was already stressed and didn't need to hear from me. I said I'm going to drop you off right here and he said try and get him out. I got to the motel and he said keep going I said why and he said because he had to think.
He finally got out and said he was going to sleep under the freeway. I said get in, he refused and I drove away. But!! I went back!! he refused a second time, again I drove away and again went back! Finally got in because by now the cops where looking in the area (someone probably called them) took him to the motel, paid for the night and gave him my last 15.00.
Then I get a call from him telling me he is in a cab and trying to write a check for gas...and they won't let him because I told them before not to accept checks from him. He was furious..I talked to the owner and said is he in a cab? he said yes..I said you can take his check, but I don't know if it's good or not.
To make a long story short that night a car drove by the girlfriends house blew the horn. Did it twice. She said it was a big white car with writing on it. Later he called said it was him and all he had to do was pay the guy for the gas. More wasted money.
Today he just realized that he doesn't have enough money to go on for two days or money to get back to Reno. I suggested he take what he has and get a bus ticket. He said no way, he is staying until he sees the girlfriend. He told me to mind my own business, but then he calls and involves me and tells me he is hungry and has no money for a place to sleep or eat. Now, I said you tell me to mind my own business and then you make sure you call and let me know what's going on. Fine..I will just don't call me.
Next he called me to tell me he's leaving this motel to go stay some other motel...mind you he can't carry all the luggage, so would I pick it up. I said I can't until tomorrow. He said the man won't keep it till tomorrow..I said sorry, can't do it...he was mad!
I just know what's next ... money for the ticket to get back knowing how anxious I am to get him out of here he knows I'll end up buying a plane ticket or bus ticket. I would buy the ticket just for that reason, however, he'll do this again if I do knowing I'll buy it again just to get him out of here.
What should I do??? I'm ashamed of being so dumb and falling for this again! Devastated
I hope you all don't get disgusted with me but I Did It Again! I trusted the boy and he turned on me like an animal. When will I learn and stop being such a sap! How much more abuse do I need to take before I learn that he just doesn't care about anyone especially me!
Yesterday, he called (just when things were settling down after he asked about co-signing for a car) he was in Reno. Today I get a call and he is here! He is at a motel said he flew in last night arrived at 12:30 PM. He said why don't you come by and we can visit. I thought, ok, maybe go to lunch. I have to make up all kinds of excuses to be out of the house that long (sad, because my husband trusts me so much). I go to the motel and there he is with all this luggage (four pieces) and said he has to leave because it was check out time already. I asked where he was going and he said to a motel somewhere else which happens to be close to where the girlfriend lives. I drive him there and he's yelling at the top of his lungs the entire time because I told him his planning was not good, and that he should have thought this plan through before he just took off without enough money to last him. He said it would have worked but didn't plan on the cab fare costing so much! He continued to yell, and said he was already stressed and didn't need to hear from me. I said I'm going to drop you off right here and he said try and get him out. I got to the motel and he said keep going I said why and he said because he had to think.
He finally got out and said he was going to sleep under the freeway. I said get in, he refused and I drove away. But!! I went back!! he refused a second time, again I drove away and again went back! Finally got in because by now the cops where looking in the area (someone probably called them) took him to the motel, paid for the night and gave him my last 15.00.
Then I get a call from him telling me he is in a cab and trying to write a check for gas...and they won't let him because I told them before not to accept checks from him. He was furious..I talked to the owner and said is he in a cab? he said yes..I said you can take his check, but I don't know if it's good or not.
To make a long story short that night a car drove by the girlfriends house blew the horn. Did it twice. She said it was a big white car with writing on it. Later he called said it was him and all he had to do was pay the guy for the gas. More wasted money.
Today he just realized that he doesn't have enough money to go on for two days or money to get back to Reno. I suggested he take what he has and get a bus ticket. He said no way, he is staying until he sees the girlfriend. He told me to mind my own business, but then he calls and involves me and tells me he is hungry and has no money for a place to sleep or eat. Now, I said you tell me to mind my own business and then you make sure you call and let me know what's going on. Fine..I will just don't call me.
Next he called me to tell me he's leaving this motel to go stay some other motel...mind you he can't carry all the luggage, so would I pick it up. I said I can't until tomorrow. He said the man won't keep it till tomorrow..I said sorry, can't do it...he was mad!
I just know what's next ... money for the ticket to get back knowing how anxious I am to get him out of here he knows I'll end up buying a plane ticket or bus ticket. I would buy the ticket just for that reason, however, he'll do this again if I do knowing I'll buy it again just to get him out of here.
What should I do??? I'm ashamed of being so dumb and falling for this again! Devastated
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
(((((((((Devestated))))))))))
I am so sorry you are going through this turmoil. I can feel how hard this is for you and how wrapped up you are in your son's life. Perhaps now is a good time to detach and try not to take responsibility for what happens to the ex-girlfriend. I know you care about her, however your son is using that against you. He is keeping you afraid and dancing to his tune for fear that he will bother or harm the girlfriend. I know this is hard, but it seems like the only way you can free yourself from his abuse is to let go of the result, ie what may happen to the girlfriend. Perhaps you can pray for the power to detach and let your son make his own way. Perhaps you can refuse to take any more calls from your son. I know this is so hard, but nothing changes if nothing changes. I am praying for you.
I am so sorry you are going through this turmoil. I can feel how hard this is for you and how wrapped up you are in your son's life. Perhaps now is a good time to detach and try not to take responsibility for what happens to the ex-girlfriend. I know you care about her, however your son is using that against you. He is keeping you afraid and dancing to his tune for fear that he will bother or harm the girlfriend. I know this is hard, but it seems like the only way you can free yourself from his abuse is to let go of the result, ie what may happen to the girlfriend. Perhaps you can pray for the power to detach and let your son make his own way. Perhaps you can refuse to take any more calls from your son. I know this is so hard, but nothing changes if nothing changes. I am praying for you.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
First lose the shame. You have nothing o be ashamed of and besides to you have time to put that on your agenda?? He is running circles around you and you are dizzy trying to keep up!
The only advice I have is to do what feels like the next right thing. Do the thing that gives you peace. Letting go of what he may do sounds like a plan.
He made a choice when he got on that plane with no extra money and he is trying to make you pay the consequences. Do NOT allow yourself to be bullied or threatened. You can choose to pick him up or give him ten bucks for a meal (or McDonalds gift cert) because you have that choice. But doing it because he insists on it is not being fair to yourself.
With each and every choice put YOU first. That way you will have no reason to even THINK about feeling shame.
Hugs,
JT
The only advice I have is to do what feels like the next right thing. Do the thing that gives you peace. Letting go of what he may do sounds like a plan.
He made a choice when he got on that plane with no extra money and he is trying to make you pay the consequences. Do NOT allow yourself to be bullied or threatened. You can choose to pick him up or give him ten bucks for a meal (or McDonalds gift cert) because you have that choice. But doing it because he insists on it is not being fair to yourself.
With each and every choice put YOU first. That way you will have no reason to even THINK about feeling shame.
Hugs,
JT
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Devastated,
Your son is abusing you and will continue until you stop him. It will never never be easy to do this. If you wait until it feels better you will never do it. Think of the one thing you can start doing that will be the easiest for you and start by doing that. When you get that mastered do the next thing.
Your other choice is to continue to live life this way. I will remind you also that you are not helping your son by letting him continue his destructive behavior. You are hurting him. I hurt my son for years allowing him to remain a victim and helping him to remain a victim. At the same time I allowed myself to remain a victim. It's so much easier to see what you are doing than to see what I am doing. If I were to tell you the same story about my son as you have told me, what would you tell me to do???
What is one thing that you can start doing???
I also know that a couple of months of counseling helped me carry through with what I needed to do. If I have trouble doing it again at another point in my life I will jump right back into counseling. Please go see a domestic violence counselor.
What's stopping you???
I really hate to see you being treated this way and fear that your son might harm you one day. I had the same fear about my own son.
Pick up the phone and make an appointment.
Hugs,
MG
Your son is abusing you and will continue until you stop him. It will never never be easy to do this. If you wait until it feels better you will never do it. Think of the one thing you can start doing that will be the easiest for you and start by doing that. When you get that mastered do the next thing.
Your other choice is to continue to live life this way. I will remind you also that you are not helping your son by letting him continue his destructive behavior. You are hurting him. I hurt my son for years allowing him to remain a victim and helping him to remain a victim. At the same time I allowed myself to remain a victim. It's so much easier to see what you are doing than to see what I am doing. If I were to tell you the same story about my son as you have told me, what would you tell me to do???
What is one thing that you can start doing???
I also know that a couple of months of counseling helped me carry through with what I needed to do. If I have trouble doing it again at another point in my life I will jump right back into counseling. Please go see a domestic violence counselor.
What's stopping you???
I really hate to see you being treated this way and fear that your son might harm you one day. I had the same fear about my own son.
Pick up the phone and make an appointment.
Hugs,
MG
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Hi Devastated,
I just want to apologize for being pushy. I have a really really hard time with abuse. It really worries me.
So take the pushy out of my post above. I just hate to see you treated like that. I'm not against your son either. My son has done similar things.
Hugs,
MG
I just want to apologize for being pushy. I have a really really hard time with abuse. It really worries me.
So take the pushy out of my post above. I just hate to see you treated like that. I'm not against your son either. My son has done similar things.
Hugs,
MG
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Rose;Morning Glory; Just Tired
Hello Ladies:
Thank you all for your suggestions and support. I appreciate your imput very much. It keeps me strong and it keeps me going on. When I slip, it certainly isn't because I didn't appreciate your help but because I think when he is rational he will listen to me and get help. He really is mentally all over the place and refuses to see the problem.
Morning Glory: Please don't apologize for saying it like it is! You're absolutely right, and I know it; however, do I maintain a distance even when I know he is mentally unstable? Or when he is nice...should I still just not talk to him? Talk about him being all over the place - so am I.
I'm so tired of all this nonsense and I flat refuse to start another year the same old way!
He just called to say "thank you" for ruining his relationship and I told him not to call me again until he gets help! Now make me stick to this!!! It'll be my New Year's Resolution!
Thanks to you all and Happy New Year (I HOPE)
Hugs, Devastated
Thank you all for your suggestions and support. I appreciate your imput very much. It keeps me strong and it keeps me going on. When I slip, it certainly isn't because I didn't appreciate your help but because I think when he is rational he will listen to me and get help. He really is mentally all over the place and refuses to see the problem.
Morning Glory: Please don't apologize for saying it like it is! You're absolutely right, and I know it; however, do I maintain a distance even when I know he is mentally unstable? Or when he is nice...should I still just not talk to him? Talk about him being all over the place - so am I.
I'm so tired of all this nonsense and I flat refuse to start another year the same old way!
He just called to say "thank you" for ruining his relationship and I told him not to call me again until he gets help! Now make me stick to this!!! It'll be my New Year's Resolution!
Thanks to you all and Happy New Year (I HOPE)
Hugs, Devastated
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Devastated,
I don't think that's starting with something small enough.
When you do something it needs to be something you can carry through. I don't think you are ready to never speak to him again.
You could start by ending the conversation everytime he turns it into something ugly or dumps his problems on you. That's what I did and it worked so well. My son rarely dumps on me anymore. It has been a long time and he used to do the same thing to me as your son does to you.
So why don't you start that way. If he says anything wrong simply tell him you would love to talk to him, but you won't listen to him dumping his problems on you anymore and then just hang up everytime he does it, even if he calls you 20 times in a day. He will learn to speak to you respectfully or not speak to you at all.
You have to be consistant for it to work. If you faulter(sp) one time he will use it as permission to continue.
Hugs and Happy New Year.
MG
I don't think that's starting with something small enough.
When you do something it needs to be something you can carry through. I don't think you are ready to never speak to him again.You could start by ending the conversation everytime he turns it into something ugly or dumps his problems on you. That's what I did and it worked so well. My son rarely dumps on me anymore. It has been a long time and he used to do the same thing to me as your son does to you.
So why don't you start that way. If he says anything wrong simply tell him you would love to talk to him, but you won't listen to him dumping his problems on you anymore and then just hang up everytime he does it, even if he calls you 20 times in a day. He will learn to speak to you respectfully or not speak to you at all.
You have to be consistant for it to work. If you faulter(sp) one time he will use it as permission to continue.
Hugs and Happy New Year.
MG
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Morning Glory
Morning Glory thanks once again for your reply...you're right I probably should start out taking smaller steps! In fact, I did do that for a while and as I recall it did work and then all of a sudden I fell back into the old behavior again..Thanks for reminding me!
Funny thing, when I call him and try to talk to him he just hangs up on me! What's wrong with this picture???
Hugs, Devastated
Funny thing, when I call him and try to talk to him he just hangs up on me! What's wrong with this picture???
Hugs, Devastated
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