losing my husband slowly
sara
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: steubenville ohio
Posts: 1
losing my husband slowly
hi,
my name is Sara i'm 30 yrs old with 4 kids. My husband is 57 and was a 15 yr recovering alcoholic until about 7 months ago. I first found a whine bottle in the closet and it has only escalated from there. He started drinking hard liquor for awhile until one night he became out of control and hit me and i sent him to jail. Ofcourse like a true alcoholic he promised to not drink again. shortly after that he went to drinking just beer. no violent episodes (not physical anyways) since then. I absolutely despise his drinking and longer he does it the more distant i feel from him. I have a lovely home, one i've always wanted, and he has helped me get that. Since we bought our new home and got awarded 100% disability he has changed. Ofcourse he don't see that he only drinks in defiance of me because i nag at him. How do I get him to understand that i see the physical and mental effects this is taking on him? I have begged and pleaded and i have already heard you can't make him quit and i know that. But do i just leave my home and take my kids (3 to my ex and one to him) and start from scratch again? I just do not know what to do. I know my feelings have changed for him. Everytime he picks up a beer i dislike him a little more. He is not disabled. He is the stay at home mom and i go to work. i don't have a problem with that what i have a problem with is not having a husband to come home and talk to because usually he has already had atleast 3-4 24oz beers. I automatically shut down and i know that doesn't help, it only makes him angry but i just don't want to talk to someone who is drunk and won't remember in the morning or doesn't really comprehend what i'm talking about. I work in a hospital on a floor where we get many many alchoholic and detoxing patients. i see what alcohol can do and i know it's a disease. but it is one that he can control if he choses. he was sober for 15 years before this. and before that he was a black out drinker for 30. i don't want my kids to be brought up with a man who drinks everyday. i don't feel i can count on him anymore. I love him with all my heart but how long do i deal with it before i say OK i'm not going to be your enabler anymore? I'm afraid to leave on my own with 4 kids i know it would be almost impossible. i have no family really and no friends to help me with my kids. I really need someone to tell me i'm not wrong. He says because he is here everyday for the kids when they get home and he doesn't go to bars and drink that i should be ok with him having a few beers a day. but i'm not at all!!!!!!!!!!!! we are on the virge on divorce and i'm scared as ever..if there is anyone who would like or could help please talk to me.....
thank you,
losing my love (sara)
my name is Sara i'm 30 yrs old with 4 kids. My husband is 57 and was a 15 yr recovering alcoholic until about 7 months ago. I first found a whine bottle in the closet and it has only escalated from there. He started drinking hard liquor for awhile until one night he became out of control and hit me and i sent him to jail. Ofcourse like a true alcoholic he promised to not drink again. shortly after that he went to drinking just beer. no violent episodes (not physical anyways) since then. I absolutely despise his drinking and longer he does it the more distant i feel from him. I have a lovely home, one i've always wanted, and he has helped me get that. Since we bought our new home and got awarded 100% disability he has changed. Ofcourse he don't see that he only drinks in defiance of me because i nag at him. How do I get him to understand that i see the physical and mental effects this is taking on him? I have begged and pleaded and i have already heard you can't make him quit and i know that. But do i just leave my home and take my kids (3 to my ex and one to him) and start from scratch again? I just do not know what to do. I know my feelings have changed for him. Everytime he picks up a beer i dislike him a little more. He is not disabled. He is the stay at home mom and i go to work. i don't have a problem with that what i have a problem with is not having a husband to come home and talk to because usually he has already had atleast 3-4 24oz beers. I automatically shut down and i know that doesn't help, it only makes him angry but i just don't want to talk to someone who is drunk and won't remember in the morning or doesn't really comprehend what i'm talking about. I work in a hospital on a floor where we get many many alchoholic and detoxing patients. i see what alcohol can do and i know it's a disease. but it is one that he can control if he choses. he was sober for 15 years before this. and before that he was a black out drinker for 30. i don't want my kids to be brought up with a man who drinks everyday. i don't feel i can count on him anymore. I love him with all my heart but how long do i deal with it before i say OK i'm not going to be your enabler anymore? I'm afraid to leave on my own with 4 kids i know it would be almost impossible. i have no family really and no friends to help me with my kids. I really need someone to tell me i'm not wrong. He says because he is here everyday for the kids when they get home and he doesn't go to bars and drink that i should be ok with him having a few beers a day. but i'm not at all!!!!!!!!!!!! we are on the virge on divorce and i'm scared as ever..if there is anyone who would like or could help please talk to me.....
thank you,
losing my love (sara)
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
You entrust the safety and well-being of your children to someone who is actively drinking and has a history of black-outs!?!?
It DOES NOT MATTER that he was once sober for 15 years - he's DRUNK NOW!
It DOES NOT MATTER that he was once sober for 15 years - he's DRUNK NOW!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 8
I am new here so not sure I will be of much help. Not so much help but support. I am only 25 with a 2 year. When I got pregnant he PROMISED he would stop. 2 years later things are getting progressively worse. But he doesn't do the bars either and I always hear the "i am at home, I help out." I am like you I don't know where to go from here either. But just know there are plenty of us out here who are enablers and just need support. I am too the point of leaving like you. But I know I don't have the strength. Plus it would destroy my little one to not have her father. I think the reality of it all is they won't get better until they realize it's a problem and that could be years down ther road. Have you thought about just leaving for a while and go from there?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Originally Posted by losingmylove
I love him with all my heart but how long do i deal with it before i say OK i'm not going to be your enabler anymore?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Welcome to SR, glad you found this site.
Did he go to AA?? Did you go to Al-Anon??
If no physical violence or abuse, then I would suggest you try reading everything you can befor makeing any decesions. Some of us find a way to be ok, even if they drink. Sometimes if we are ok, they have to look at themselves and then they do something. Takes time. Each person is different and so is each relationship.
HUGS keep comeing back.
Did he go to AA?? Did you go to Al-Anon??
If no physical violence or abuse, then I would suggest you try reading everything you can befor makeing any decesions. Some of us find a way to be ok, even if they drink. Sometimes if we are ok, they have to look at themselves and then they do something. Takes time. Each person is different and so is each relationship.
HUGS keep comeing back.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
....... but I go to a local bar and I am not an alcoholic. I go on the occasional Friday and have a couple of drinks with friends and then come home.
It just cracks me up that they can justify their drinking by making the assumption that only alcoholics drink in bars! I mean, hmmm, how to explain this ...... we, as enablers make the assumption that if they drink XXX amount of booze and display XXX behaviors that they are alcoholics. They turn it right around and say and "well, I don't have a problem, I don't go to bars etc".
Jesus God, it gets more and more complicated! It's funny in a sick sort of way.
It just cracks me up that they can justify their drinking by making the assumption that only alcoholics drink in bars! I mean, hmmm, how to explain this ...... we, as enablers make the assumption that if they drink XXX amount of booze and display XXX behaviors that they are alcoholics. They turn it right around and say and "well, I don't have a problem, I don't go to bars etc".
Jesus God, it gets more and more complicated! It's funny in a sick sort of way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
I go to bars too....but I don't sit with the "A's" I have a whole different group
that socially drink....
I was just messin' witcha Judy.........
You are right, it is all very complicated in a sick sort of way, for sure!
that socially drink....
I was just messin' witcha Judy.........
You are right, it is all very complicated in a sick sort of way, for sure!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by loosingmylove
Ofcourse he don't see that he only drinks in defiance of me because i nag at him. How do I get him to understand that i see the physical and mental effects this is taking on him?
He knows that you know the alcohol is bad for him believe me...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
losingmylove,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. Your problem is so difficult. Because your husband recovered from alcoholism for 15 years, he already knows that he is an alcoholic and deep down he knows he shouldn't be drinking, beer is no exception. He is in denial and wants to justify what he is doing anyway he can. He is trying to trick himself into believing he can drink just a few beers and be okay. Common behavior. My own husband got addicted to alcohol by only drinking beer at home for decades. He also lied to me for years about the amount he drank. When his drinking caused so many problems that he was told he had to stop drinking or he couldn't live with us ... he then resorted to vodka since he couldn't hide the smell of beer. However, unlike your husband, in over 30 years of abusing alcohol, mine has only been able to stop one time for 2 years.
As you probably already know, your husband is a risky caretaker for your children. If he has ever been known to drink and drive with your kids, if he drinks all day long, or if he drinks to the point he uses poor judgement, then he probably shouldn't be their caretaker. The situation is tough as to how to support your family and take of our your children with such an obstacle. Is there anyway you could get him out of the house and live elsewhere? Can you get a restraining order because of his history? It is a shame that you should have to leave your home with your children, when he is the one causing serious problems and endangering you and your children. The best solution at this point would be for him to live elsewhere unless he can get himself into recovery for a long enough period of time that he would not relapse the moment he moved back in. You may need to seek legal advise to find out what your rights are.
The one exception you have, unlike most situations, is that your husband has proven that he is capable of long term recovery from just 7 months ago. He might just be able to get sober again ... but it will be when he is ready. In the meantime, your family should not have to suffer until, or if, he is ready to change.
Welcome to Sober Recovery. Your problem is so difficult. Because your husband recovered from alcoholism for 15 years, he already knows that he is an alcoholic and deep down he knows he shouldn't be drinking, beer is no exception. He is in denial and wants to justify what he is doing anyway he can. He is trying to trick himself into believing he can drink just a few beers and be okay. Common behavior. My own husband got addicted to alcohol by only drinking beer at home for decades. He also lied to me for years about the amount he drank. When his drinking caused so many problems that he was told he had to stop drinking or he couldn't live with us ... he then resorted to vodka since he couldn't hide the smell of beer. However, unlike your husband, in over 30 years of abusing alcohol, mine has only been able to stop one time for 2 years.
As you probably already know, your husband is a risky caretaker for your children. If he has ever been known to drink and drive with your kids, if he drinks all day long, or if he drinks to the point he uses poor judgement, then he probably shouldn't be their caretaker. The situation is tough as to how to support your family and take of our your children with such an obstacle. Is there anyway you could get him out of the house and live elsewhere? Can you get a restraining order because of his history? It is a shame that you should have to leave your home with your children, when he is the one causing serious problems and endangering you and your children. The best solution at this point would be for him to live elsewhere unless he can get himself into recovery for a long enough period of time that he would not relapse the moment he moved back in. You may need to seek legal advise to find out what your rights are.
The one exception you have, unlike most situations, is that your husband has proven that he is capable of long term recovery from just 7 months ago. He might just be able to get sober again ... but it will be when he is ready. In the meantime, your family should not have to suffer until, or if, he is ready to change.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ionia , Michigan
Posts: 3
I started dating a guy in 1999 that was 15 months sober and he relapsed in February of 2003 . We stayed together but it was hard . The ironic thing was that I started drinking heavily when I moved out . We still saw each other and we wanted each other to stop . I stopped on 6-2-05 , after having a rollover car accident . I wasn't much of a drinker . I think in some sick way I wanted him to see me destroying my life with alcohol to get him to stop . We havn't talked since a few days after the accident . I don't know if he is drinking or not , but I hope he's sober . I'm sober and happy . Thanks
Grateful Member!
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Shampoohorn City
Posts: 246
Towards the end my husband rarely drank at home, there was too much to do here. He got drunk at the bars and came home hungover and useless the next day or several days later and then it still took two more years to get him to admit he was an alcoholic. He did his first step last night at the rehab he is in in PA, I am happy for him but keep myself at cautious optimism. It will be a long, long time before I believe anything he says or leave him for a long period of time with our babies. Actions not words. And the wrong actions and he is out, I can't allow my children to watch their father kill himself. Just my two cents.
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