How to know?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 8
How to know?
One short but HARD question
How do you determine if you are married to an Alcohol? He is not the typical one that you hear about. He stays home ALL the time. But drinks there daily. Helps with things. Doesn't miss much work. No DUI's. So how do you know?
How do you determine if you are married to an Alcohol? He is not the typical one that you hear about. He stays home ALL the time. But drinks there daily. Helps with things. Doesn't miss much work. No DUI's. So how do you know?
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
It doesn't matter.
Alcoholic or not an alcoholic isn't your concern. That would be his issue that he would need figure out for himself.
What would be your concern.... Is his drinking causeing problems for you?
If so, finding out what you can and can't do about it is where you need focus.
Alcoholic or not an alcoholic isn't your concern. That would be his issue that he would need figure out for himself.
What would be your concern.... Is his drinking causeing problems for you?
If so, finding out what you can and can't do about it is where you need focus.
Getting busy living!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Worcester MA
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by Kelly0303
One short but HARD question
How do you determine if you are married to an Alcohol? He is not the typical one that you hear about. He stays home ALL the time. But drinks there daily. Helps with things. Doesn't miss much work. No DUI's. So how do you know?
How do you determine if you are married to an Alcohol? He is not the typical one that you hear about. He stays home ALL the time. But drinks there daily. Helps with things. Doesn't miss much work. No DUI's. So how do you know?
I'm sure other's will have lots of valuable info for you. Keep coming back. This is a good place. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Hi Kelly,
You will be told that the label doesn't matter, but I know from experience that it does seem to matter a bit, or it at least feels that way. Yes, ultimately, it is his behavior that you will have to determine if you are okay with or not. However, if you are trying to learn what you could be up against, I think it's OK to seek answers. Others will more than likely disagree with me about labels (I've been thick-headed in my recent quest for answers
). You will also hear that you just need to focus on you and not place your every effort into wondering what another human being is doing. This too is good advice.
All that being said, just because someone drinks daily does not necessarily mean they are an alcoholic. I may not be 100% accurate, but I think the biggest difference between a heavy social drinker and an alcoholic is the physical and psychological dependence on the drug. These things can be spotted by withdrawal symptoms, tolerance, etc. If you're worried about it, do a little research. Oftentimes if you're worried about it, it could be for good reason.
Welcome.
You will be told that the label doesn't matter, but I know from experience that it does seem to matter a bit, or it at least feels that way. Yes, ultimately, it is his behavior that you will have to determine if you are okay with or not. However, if you are trying to learn what you could be up against, I think it's OK to seek answers. Others will more than likely disagree with me about labels (I've been thick-headed in my recent quest for answers
). You will also hear that you just need to focus on you and not place your every effort into wondering what another human being is doing. This too is good advice.All that being said, just because someone drinks daily does not necessarily mean they are an alcoholic. I may not be 100% accurate, but I think the biggest difference between a heavy social drinker and an alcoholic is the physical and psychological dependence on the drug. These things can be spotted by withdrawal symptoms, tolerance, etc. If you're worried about it, do a little research. Oftentimes if you're worried about it, it could be for good reason.
Welcome.
Last edited by TexasGirl; 12-22-2005 at 01:20 PM. Reason: I'm a dork...
Getting busy living!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Worcester MA
Posts: 199
Is his drinking causeing problems for you?
Also, consider if it has the potential to cause problems for you. Even though my husband was functional, didn't appear drunk, etc, I knew there was a potential for trouble there so I took steps to protect myself in case trouble arose. Glad I did because the trouble did finally rear it's ugly head.
Also, consider if it has the potential to cause problems for you. Even though my husband was functional, didn't appear drunk, etc, I knew there was a potential for trouble there so I took steps to protect myself in case trouble arose. Glad I did because the trouble did finally rear it's ugly head.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Welcome to SR Kelly! Pull up a chair and read the sticky notes at the top of the F&F forum and the Nar Anon forum, both great sources of information. This forum is a great source for gathering information from a collective group of a lot of different folks with a lot of different experiences. A general question such as yours has a myriad of individual answers. It might take some time for you to find yours.
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by Kelly0303
One short but HARD question
How do you determine if you are married to an Alcohol? He is not the typical one that you hear about. He stays home ALL the time. But drinks there daily. Helps with things. Doesn't miss much work. No DUI's. So how do you know?
How do you determine if you are married to an Alcohol? He is not the typical one that you hear about. He stays home ALL the time. But drinks there daily. Helps with things. Doesn't miss much work. No DUI's. So how do you know?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Welcome,Kelly0303.There are as many patterns to drinking as their are alcoholics.How does alcohol affect this person?As an alcoholic myself,im glad for this lable.This lable helped me to know where to get help and learn from other alcoholics that i no longer have to live this way.There is a solution,there is hope.I found fellowship and learned that im no longer all alone.So this lable has had its uses for me.BB says that we cannot pronounce another person as an alcoholic.Bascially because it doesnt mean anything to an alcoholic,unil we admit this ourselves.Its then most go for recovery,knowing what the problem is.
Doesnt hurt to read and learn all that you can about alcoholism.You may then have an insight to this disease.I personally always encourage non-alcoholics to do this.
However recovery is about you. This is bothering you.In al-anon,the focus is on self,and learning a new way to live.learning where the non-alcoholic plays a part in this family disease.
Thanks for letting me share,God Bless and take care!!!!
Doesnt hurt to read and learn all that you can about alcoholism.You may then have an insight to this disease.I personally always encourage non-alcoholics to do this.
However recovery is about you. This is bothering you.In al-anon,the focus is on self,and learning a new way to live.learning where the non-alcoholic plays a part in this family disease.
Thanks for letting me share,God Bless and take care!!!!
Last edited by Cap3; 12-23-2005 at 06:23 AM. Reason: adding to
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 433
Cap3, I so identify with you asking that question. It was my own several months ago, and still is, however, not in the foreground for me any more.
I wanted to find a Coda group close by, but couldn't so tried the Al-anon meeting out of desperation and curiosity. They welcomed me openly and without reservation even though I didn't think I had a relative who was alcoholic.
At first I thought, nope, no alcoholism in my family. But I continued going because the interpersonal dynamics were the same and I was struggling with the same or similar issues and found the group so supportive; there I saw healing, peace and hope that I wanted and needed so badly.
The meeting I found happens to be all women and a very wise,healthy group with so much to share in experience and hope. It was easy for me to relax with them and the style and structure of the meetings are so healthy and transforming. I am so fortunate to find such a group. I tried another one, but found it less helpful; a book study with very few people just trying to get started. I'd like to go back to that one to help out now; it's just a different focus, helpful in a different way, and doesn't take the place of the other meeting I've found.
Had I been affected by someone's drinking? ...At first I didn't think so. I thought, somehow I had the same difficulties as the other people in the meetings so I kept going. Since then I've come to see and finally accept that my spouse's drinking has affected me, however much or little. They assure me that is reason enough to be there. My h has never had a DUI, never missed a day of work because of it either. We have been married many, many years and it wasn't until the past couple years that it became apparent to me that he was abusing alochol; he began drinking one or two more beers each night and more on weekends, it was increasing during the week, and the effects were visible to me.
It has taken me some time and personal work to understand how I've been impacted by his drinking over the years and only now do I see it was there from day one and it has affected the kids, too, our entire family life. I was very naive and had no experience with this and didn't see it for what it was; it can be subtle but powerful.
My children are almost grown and I've had a little more time recently, to think and realize some things I was too busy to notice before. When I began seeing mental and physical results a couple years ago it finally dawned on me what was different; he was drinking more; he was more stressed; more depressed; more irritable and intolerant than ever; forgetful and falling asleep more....
Well, here I am "taking his inventory." I meant to only share a little so you know you're not alone by any means. When I got myself to the Al-non meetings and finally got myself a sponsor in September; I've been able to get a handle on things; I feel myself growing and learning and finding myself, reclaiming myself, moving into a healthier place with more peace of mind and a whole bag full of tools I now have to fall back on whenever needed. It is a wonderful feeling. ...I've found a great deal of help in the Al-anon literature and related reading.
I am lucky; my h has listened and heard me; I've been able to mirror to him what he's doing, in a way he's been able to hear. He happens to be a very self-disciplined guy in some ways and when he puts his will to work on something he controls it for sure. He is still in denial about many things, but our lives are easier and we are working more quickly through the problems that arise.
It isn't ideal, but I am finding my own life, struggling with my own issues and making headway, healing my own stuff I was too busy/preoccupied to face head-on before. I'm learning slowly to put the focus where it needs to be. I've been so enriched by what I've been learning. Keep reading here, keep hanging in there for yourself. You are not alone with this and clarity will come to you.
I am sorry I am so wordy and went on so long. thanks for listening. It has helped me to look back and see the progress. Although, I haven't posted much, the support from this group and reading all the posts pinned at the top of the lists, has gotten me through many a dark time and given much encouragement.
Nea
I wanted to find a Coda group close by, but couldn't so tried the Al-anon meeting out of desperation and curiosity. They welcomed me openly and without reservation even though I didn't think I had a relative who was alcoholic.
At first I thought, nope, no alcoholism in my family. But I continued going because the interpersonal dynamics were the same and I was struggling with the same or similar issues and found the group so supportive; there I saw healing, peace and hope that I wanted and needed so badly.
The meeting I found happens to be all women and a very wise,healthy group with so much to share in experience and hope. It was easy for me to relax with them and the style and structure of the meetings are so healthy and transforming. I am so fortunate to find such a group. I tried another one, but found it less helpful; a book study with very few people just trying to get started. I'd like to go back to that one to help out now; it's just a different focus, helpful in a different way, and doesn't take the place of the other meeting I've found.
Had I been affected by someone's drinking? ...At first I didn't think so. I thought, somehow I had the same difficulties as the other people in the meetings so I kept going. Since then I've come to see and finally accept that my spouse's drinking has affected me, however much or little. They assure me that is reason enough to be there. My h has never had a DUI, never missed a day of work because of it either. We have been married many, many years and it wasn't until the past couple years that it became apparent to me that he was abusing alochol; he began drinking one or two more beers each night and more on weekends, it was increasing during the week, and the effects were visible to me.
It has taken me some time and personal work to understand how I've been impacted by his drinking over the years and only now do I see it was there from day one and it has affected the kids, too, our entire family life. I was very naive and had no experience with this and didn't see it for what it was; it can be subtle but powerful.
My children are almost grown and I've had a little more time recently, to think and realize some things I was too busy to notice before. When I began seeing mental and physical results a couple years ago it finally dawned on me what was different; he was drinking more; he was more stressed; more depressed; more irritable and intolerant than ever; forgetful and falling asleep more....
Well, here I am "taking his inventory." I meant to only share a little so you know you're not alone by any means. When I got myself to the Al-non meetings and finally got myself a sponsor in September; I've been able to get a handle on things; I feel myself growing and learning and finding myself, reclaiming myself, moving into a healthier place with more peace of mind and a whole bag full of tools I now have to fall back on whenever needed. It is a wonderful feeling. ...I've found a great deal of help in the Al-anon literature and related reading.
I am lucky; my h has listened and heard me; I've been able to mirror to him what he's doing, in a way he's been able to hear. He happens to be a very self-disciplined guy in some ways and when he puts his will to work on something he controls it for sure. He is still in denial about many things, but our lives are easier and we are working more quickly through the problems that arise.
It isn't ideal, but I am finding my own life, struggling with my own issues and making headway, healing my own stuff I was too busy/preoccupied to face head-on before. I'm learning slowly to put the focus where it needs to be. I've been so enriched by what I've been learning. Keep reading here, keep hanging in there for yourself. You are not alone with this and clarity will come to you.
I am sorry I am so wordy and went on so long. thanks for listening. It has helped me to look back and see the progress. Although, I haven't posted much, the support from this group and reading all the posts pinned at the top of the lists, has gotten me through many a dark time and given much encouragement.
Nea
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