somebodysfool

Thank goodness for drug & alcohol evaluations...NOT!!!
So today was the day that my husband was going for an evaluation, because(caution sarcasm ahead) he needed the people who were trained in drug and alcohol intake counseling to tell him what kind of treatment program would be best for him. Yes, it seems he is totally incapable of deciding if in-patient treatment would be the right treatment for a guy who has a

• a 24 year history of alcohol abuse (6 days a week for the past year)
• a 22 year history of cocaine use (2 or 3 times a week for the past 6 mo)
• sexual assault investigation pending
• order of protection due to domestic abuse
• 3 extra martial affairs
• no job
• scared kids
• slept less than 30 hours a week (15 were on a weekend night)
• no need to mention the lies, lies, lies or justification, minimization of his actions or blame shifting

Because, ya know, in the past 4 weeks that he has been living with his mom has has gone to 5 AA meetings, reads his Bible, and another Christian book his enabling wife sent over. And would you believe...it is soooo lucky he didn't go into in-patient treatment like his crazy wife thought he should because he only needs out-patient 2 times a week. Thank goodness, I don't think I could live with myself if he would have gone in and gotten too much treatment for such a small disease. (end of sarcasm)

I am dumbfounded. I realize since I was not in the meeting and my husband tried to tell me the counselor said she couldn't give out any info to me it was quite obvious he was not going to be honest. He's not there yet and I just allowed myself to be hurt, again. Shame on me. I told him the counselor could give me any and all the information he wanted me to have and seeing that she gave me none it is clear he wants me to have none. I'll have a good cry tonight and probably tomorrow and then pick myself up by my boot straps and move forward. Waiting for him to drink and blame it on me for being the B!^*# who didn't accept, trust or believe in him. I told my kids maybe he'll prove me wrong. I'll be ecstatic to be wrong in this case.

Thanks for being here,
J

Gabe

Caution: Sarcastic response to follow...
Oh yeah, with that history...outpatient/2 times a week is just the thing to cure him.
It's a miracle.
Can everyone say hallejuliah and amen with me?
I'm sure if it weren't for his enabling wife, he would have been cured long ago.
Thank God for those trained intake counselors.
What do we folks who have lived with them for years know?
*End sarcastic response*

an'ka

It is so funny that you bring this up! I was just ranting and raving about the "assessment" that my husband had while in detox! Apparently, according to the counselor, he is a "normal" person who just thinks too much! I said, did you tell that counselor that you were stealing alcohol from family and friends two days before the assessment? Did you tell them that your wife and baby left you? That you lost yet another job? That in two weeks, you became completely non-functional and practically stopped eating while guzzling bottle after bottle of wine and liquor at 5 in the morning? Did you tell them that you were throwing bottles into the bushes below the balcony, so that your wife wouldn't find out (as if!)? Should I go on? How is that for a "normal" person who only needs outpatient once a week for eighteen weeks? Ha!

laurie6781

Being on both sides of the street here as a double winner I can only say that it sounds like he did the old "alcoholic con" one more time and was completely dishonest with the counselors.

J do not accept 1 iota of the blame on this one. Yes there are many that get sober without inpatient, but the ones I know have attended 7 to 10 meetings a week minimum for up to six months and still saw a counselor several times a week. It goes back to the alkie has to WANT sobriety not just NEED sobriety.

Just continue to do what you need to do for YOU and your kids and leave him to sink or swim on his own.

I've got you and the kids in my prayers. You go girl. You are strong and you know we are all here for you!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

FormerDoormat

I agree with Laurie. It doesn't sound like your husband is ready to face reality and get the help that he so desperately needs. And there's no shame in hoping that someone you love will turn their lives around. I sincerely hope your husband proves us both wrong. Sending prayers for you, your children, and your husband.

ASpouse

My husband would not be admitted to inpatient rehab unless his blood levels showed he was legally drunk. No assessment needed.

On the way to the ER, I told him to drink a pint or two of Blackberry to make sure he was legally drunk, at least according to the ER and Insurance company criteria.

I'm sorry J ..... I wish it turned out different for you, but you still have you and you can still work on you, one day at a time.

splendra

((((J)))))

It sounds like right now is a very good time to start focusing on yourself....

somebodysfool

Thanks again for being here to listen, understand and advise. I am off to Al-anon and taking my 13yr old to his first Ala-teen meeting. We will get quality time together in the car.
I LOVE SR!

J

BlueMoon

ditto to laurie's post - (i'm also a double winner)

I went thru the same thing (repeatedly) when AH + I were together (for 12 yrs) -

I think sometimes, what the counselors are REALLY saying is "If you're not ready/willing, we can't help you - therefore you don't need us - - - yet."

But of course, that's NOT what the A hears. The A hears "I don't have a problem." NOT what the counselor actually said.

Alcoholism is the only disease that you HAVE TO diagnose yourself in order to start to recover.


Blessings,
Blue

fixyou

Why do people think just because they start reading the bible and get all religious that the alcohol is cured? I just don't get that.

somebodysfool

Blue

You're not the first person who suggested that to me. And it makes sense. I can see by mt husband's actions and words (blame shifting, justifying) that he is not ready for the help. The creepy part is I think when he is saying the right things he really believes himself. The lack of knowledge and deep denial is tremendous.

The thing I find funny about myself is that most people stay for the kids and maybe they were a piece of that equation all these years. But in conversation with our 18 year old daughter I said the strongest pull for me to leave is the kids. If it were just me and my husband I'd stay a fight through our recovery processes. So now what does that say? There's one for me and my counselor to ponder.

J

PS: In regards to the Bible question we have been Christians for 9 years and we read the Bible as a tool for understanding and comfort when we are hurting remembering that we matter to God. I was being sarcastic when I made the earlier comment.(not very Christian of me) As a Christian, I believe my relationship with God is first and my husband also believes that. I am thrilled he is turning back to Him instead of pushing Him away.

Jazzman

SF, maybe you don't want your kids to think this is normal, or maybe it's just a protection instinct.

BlueMoon

J ~
Yeah I agree - it's downright creepy to realize what A's truly believe sometimes! But that's part of the insanity of the disease.

I have NEVER understood why people stay in a relationship "for the kids"!!! To me, it makes much more sense for children to grow up in a healthy home - without the alcohol-induced insanity permeating their lives. Maybe things will be difficult financially, but there's so much more to growing up and being well-adjusted than just *having things*.


(ummmm, alot of MY background showing thru here! My mom stayed with her AH "for us kids" and we had "everything" - except love + safety - baaaad things happened to us. My son grew up with just me (I left his addict father) - In a one bedroom apt where we barely squeeked by. He's 28yo now and somehow SO much more well-adjusted than *I* am!!)


Now I'm kind of totally lost as far as replying - happens sometimes - I start replying TO someone and MY sh!t falls out --- ain't recovery grand!?!?


MAYBE - bottom line is that all that matters is that WE can see the truth - that it doesn't matter if others can see it - - -????
(ummmmm AGAIN - I think I just answered one of my own questions!)

My brothers and I have a saying - "It might not get better, but it sure as hell gets different!

Bright Blessings,
Blue

somebodysfool

I believe you're on to something Jazz. My 13yr old son in a heartfelt situation processing session with me and his sister said "my life is never going to be normal again" when referring to his dad not being home with us and the possibility of changing our residence. I couldn't help but reply that were never living a "normal" life. He said "it was normal to me." Yikes!!!

I just hope I am not too late. Blue you were smart. (Are smart )

Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah or just enjoy the season. I hope we all see miracles and are filled with joy.

J

Dstruggler

wow two times a week sign me but I can only go tuesdays and thursdays .If this was the case we would all be cured and this sight would not exist.Good luck its got to be hard I seen the destruction I did when I tried that bs he will realize some day the destruction he has left behind.some times we say things hoping to get people off our back and in the end it all catches up only to be worst off then we were before.