cupowater

Last night my SO went to the bar as usual. He got home around 9:30, and I was on the computer. He stood in my doorway and hardly said a word, and when he did, he was not very loud. (my signal that he is COMPLETLY trashed, and dosn't want to talk for fear of letting "others" know of his condition!) So I finally prompted him into the room asking him what was wrong, and that he seemed very quiet and upset! Well, he finally opened up and started telling me how unhappy he is with his job. He dosn't understand why most of the people he works with are so uncaring about the people "beneith" them. This hurts him SO much. He thinks he can change the way people are, and he dosn't understand that he can't. Well, anyway, I listened attentively for a while, while he was slurring and not making sense at some points, then he said he was going to bed.
Not 5 minuits later, the phone rings. Its his brother, who (like most of his family) won't give me the time of day! I answered, he just said "Yeah. Is *** there?" He sounded urgent, and being that their father is newly widowed, I thought it might be important. (they don't tell me) So I said yes, and went to "SO's" room and said very quietly, "Are you awake?" He said Yes, and I told him his brother was on the phone. It took him a few min to get to the phone, and had some sort of conversation with his brother. A couple of times saying, "I was asleep" I am assuming his brother was asking why he was sounding so funny. When he got off the phone, he turned to me and said "Why did you come get me? I was asleep!" I told him that I asked him if he was awake, and that I didn't know if it was important, cause they never tell me anything! He just gave me a look of contempt, and went back to bed! I couldn't help feeling smug at the fact that he had to talk to his brother and try to keep his drunken state from being discovered! I felt a little twinge of guilt at that, but at the same time, trying to make him accountable for his actions.

ASpouse

No, I don't think you were mean, but you were trying to "control" the issue of his being drunk or not by trying to make him accountable for his actions and condition.

This is something you do not have the power to do. JMHO!

reader

I aggree with Aspouse since the family won't give you the time of day, the brother obviously wouldn't discuss it with you. I have learned with my kids and hubby to let them take their lumps so to speak. Let go of the quilt. With love,

cupowater

So do you think I should have just said "He is asleep"? I thought about that, but since it had only been a couple of minuites, I thought he might still be awake. I see what you are saying. Originally, I didn't get him because I wanted to make him accountable, but it kind of turned into that.

ASpouse

CoW ....

First I want you to know that when my husband was drinking and before I got totally disgusted with him, I would have asked if he was awake also.

With that being said, in this situation and to totally detach myself, I would have said "He's sleeping. Can you call back tomorrow?" and let it go.

I know you had the best of intentions with his father being newly widowed, but since the family does not confide in you or tell you things it might be in your best interest to detach from them also.

My H family is so dysfunctional it's laughable. When he went to rehab I called them all and the only thing they could say was "what a shame!" No regard for me, for our kids nothing. My family who lives 5 hours away called me everyday, offered to come stay with me to help me with the kids. His family, never ever once called me, never lent a shoulder to cry on, never offered to take the kids for a few hours so I could get some rest and regroup my thoughts. Compassion does not run deep in my husbands family that's for sure.

His family is cordial enough to me, I think they like me but confiding in me? Not a chance and you know what, that's OK with me, because I'm dysfunctional enough on my own without allowing more dysfunctional people to influence my life. It is what it is.

cupowater

yeah, his family is cordial, but they DON'T like me, and, like you, I'm ok with that because I feel it's their right not to like me if they want to hold a grudge for the rest of their lives. That it THEIR loss! I like me and that is all that matters!

kitkatii

I've been in the same spot and can't see you did anything wrong at all. Yes, there have been times when a client calls I just take a message and let them know he will call them back but when it's family I too will ask him if he's awake. If he responds then it's up to him whether he takes the call. I don't feel you were mean at all and as for your SO chances are he won't remember the call anyway!

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Beck :elfmxmas

cupowater

Yeah, you know I wondered this morning if he remembered. He never mentioned a thing about it and was acting "normal" but depressed.

kitkatii

I have noticed that my AH is having blackouts and can't remember telling me things. I't sad but he has to know how far his desire for the almighty has taken him. One night he told me how scarry it was to go out the garage door and a black cat was sitting on my car. A couple days later he said it again where I looked up at him and said, "you really don't remember telling me this do you?" Not surprising a couple of days went by and I'll be darn if he didn't start telling me about it again. So sad. At this point I can only do so much and usually will take a message if the call isn't urgent. Don't beat yourself up, it's nothing you've done to them it's what they have done to themselves.



_____________ :elfmxmas
Beck

cupowater

Yes, this happens a LOT in my house. But I didn't know weather that was really a black out or not. I remember my father telling me about black outs he had (he was a recovering alcoholic) where he would find himself driving the streets of another city and didn't know how he got there! Scarry he was driving around in a black out! So I always thought black out were a lot more "bigger" (for lack of a better word) then forgetting that he told me something the day (or hour) before!

elizabeth1979

Cup,

OF course you werent mean. You asked SO if he was awake and told him who was on the phone. HE CHOSE to take the call. Not you. Not your choice, not your problem if he had to attempt sobriety on the call. IMO, had you controlled the situatoin and told the brother in law he was asleep without asking, that would be enabling!

Good job!

cupowater

Well, thats kind of what I was thinking when I asked him if he was awake! I mean. My god, he was only in his room for about 5 minuites!

ASpouse

I stand corrected.

cupowater

But you had a good point too!

Zoey

How about saying, Are you awake?? Do you want to take a call or should I tell them you are drunk??? That would be fun and mean.
Just a nasty thought I couldn't resist.
(don't they try to cover the drinking and we try to help them cover, how about we try saying to the kid's, family etc. "He is acting like he has had too much to drink.)
Thats not like saying, "he is drunk" that would be judgemental, right??? LOL
I am having a mean, nasty mood today. So you can pay no attention.
It was just fun to write that thought.

JessicaNAJ

I think you handled it perfectly. I would have done the exact same thing. I don't think it was mean at all.