TexasGirl

It seems the answers to many of my questions conclude with the same result. One way or another, Al-Anon ends up being suggested, the most promising of all reasons to me being that it can help me with whatever choice I make.

But, you guys, I went once. I know, I know, six meetings....

I hated it! Let me tell you about it. It was me (I'm 27), six women who were over 65, and one lady who was about 40. We read aloud, each taking turns from some book. I hated reading aloud like that in the 3rd grade!!!! It drives me crazy!!! Surely we are all capable of reading our material ourselves. So the whole thing seemed like a waste of a lunch hour.

Here on SR, I keep reading things like "maybe she'll get it" or "we're trying to get through to you" or "you have to do what's best for you." I really thought I was not doing too badly, but if I am, I want to know it. I do appreciate all these comments because the last thing I want is to be stupidly in denial.

So I guess my question is... Is Al-Anon REALLY that great? I didn't see any potential benefit. And am I REALLY in huge denial?

Rose56

Hi TexasGirl,
Yes, Alanon is really that great. I have found that each meeting has a slightly differnent flavor. Are there other meetings in your area? I have gone to several and am a regular at the lunch meeting I attend. The reading at meetings is to stimulate the sharing of members. At my meeting we don't get very far with the reading, once the discussion begins. I have been going to Alanon for 4 years, and little by little it has transformed my attitude and my life. Although my circumstances seem the same, the situation is really very different. Give it a chance, try some new meetings, find one that works. I can't explian why the sharing of people going through simular things is so healing, but it was for me. Good Luck.

Minx1969

Hey there TG,

How's that job search going?

I don't think you are in denial..I think you are doing the best you can today..It took me until 35 to find Alanon..but before that starting at 17 I was in some sort of recovery..many therapists, a life coach, self help books..etc..

Alanon is the only latest "tool" I add to my tool belt to help me get better and become my best self..

I was in alot of pain to get to Alanon and although I"m not in pain anymore I stay because I love the meetings, the fellowship and the continual emphasis on myself..It helps me stay sane..

Alanon may not be for everyone..but please try to find some meetings you feel comfortable with..I am really fortunate that my Alanon group is a variety of ages (20s - 50s..) so plenty of chicas my age to relate to..some married, some now single like me..

I'd try a few more meetings of different varieties and maybe you will find one that clicks..I can tell you that the tools I learned in Alanon (meetings, sponsorship etc) have helped in all areas of my life..and basically what I learned in Alanon was kind of what I already believed in anyway..I really like the sharing that goes on as well.

How about a therapist? I strongly believe in some sort of neutral party (SR is great too) in helping people grow..It's kind of hard to take a look at ourselves that is really honest..

Everyone grows on their own time frame..

TexasGirl

I thought I should add VERY QUICKLY that I am not biased against people over 40!!! It kind of sounded like that. I just meant that I didn't feel like I had anything in common with anyone, though we obviously all had one major thing in common. I'm seriously not trying to tick off the 40+ers!

Oh, and I also happen to live in the retirement capital of Texas...

Minx1969

Hey TG,

I don't think anyone would take it that way...You are just trying people to relate too..The great thing about Alanon is that if you stick around, you will find bits of your story in EVERYONE's story..

I know..I have..

elizabeth1979

the 40+ers............


HAHAHAHAHA..I needed a laugh so badly. thanks

I had the same experience at meetings Tex, I feel your pain. ITs frustrating, and it took so much nerve for me to go to one, and then to have it go poorly (IMO), just didnt make me warm and fuzzy to go to another one.

I guess Im gonna have to try another one, bc I need to do something.

Minx1969

Hey TG and Sarah Elizabeth,

NO one goes to Alanon because they are happy..I cried my first 6 meetings..I mean I could not stop crying..I was so hurt and upset..

but I kept getting hugs (good enough reason to go for me!) and heard things I needed to hear...

1.5 years later I'm still going..

splendra

Well you could be in denial. Sometimes it takes a long time to really hear the message. One of the reasons people read aloud in alanon is so maybe if you are listening you will hear what is being said especially if you are the one reading....

When we are dealing with an addicted loved one we are as stubborn as they are about what we think they ought to do which gets us into trouble. Someone can say the say thing over and over to us and we just don't hear it...take care of you...ya hear...

Minx1969

Got to run..but one more thing to think about..

I went to Alanon because I was in so much pain, I was willing to try ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING to change and end that pain..

And it worked..

What are you willing to do to change?

elizabeth1979

[QUOTE=Minx1969]I went to Alanon because I was in so much pain, I was willing to try ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING to change and end that pain..QUOTE]

TG, I'll try another if you will?

TexasGirl

That's so funny!!! I was just writing that, but then I stopped so I could find a quote I wanted to use. I refreshed the page, and BOOM, you beat me to it!!
Too funny...
OK, deal.

minnie

TG, your post made me think about the compositon of the 2 Al-anon groups I have been a member of and I think I am the youngest (at 32) at both. Never even thought about it before, because when I heard these women (and men) speak, they were telling part of my story. What we have in common is way more important that what we don't.

I have made a particularly close friend this year in Al-anon - she is 50. I am almost the exact same age as her eldest daughter. But that doesn't matter as we relate on a level that transcends our ages. Another good friend is currently sailing across the Atlantic (with his not-long-recovering alcoholic wife. I don't envy him!) and I have a standing invite to join him whereever they may be. He is in his late 50s. Again, we have Al-anon and sailing in common and that it not dependent on age

I have found that there are some people older than me who have taught me a lot. I have also found that I can teach them a lot too. The problem I have now is that I left it a long time before getting a sponsor (due to moving back home) and I am now finding it hard to find someone who has what I want. But that's a whole different thread.

Try a different meeting if you can. Or give it another go trying to find the similarities, not the differences.

elizabeth1979

Our work is cut out for us, it would appear!!!

ASpouse

Keep going to different meetings until you find one that suits you. The first 10 I went to I cried ..... shared nothing, said I had nothing to share and just sobbed and cried.

I found another meeting where I did not cry and shared my heart out! Keep looking until you find one that "fits". Finding a good meeting is like shopping for a pair of jeans ...... it has to fit just right or you just won't be comfortable! Good luck.

Sometimes you seem to be in denial and at other times you don't. I can only make the assumption that something happens to upset you and you feel strong, when you seem to be in denial is when things are going well and you begin to let your guard down. I just don't know, just guessing.

minnie

I should also say that I had 6 wonderful months of counselling (some joint and most individual) before I moved which dovetailed very nicely with meetings. I explored all the reasons why I had the relationships I did and put to bed a lot of the crap of being with an alcoholic. I would have got to the same point with only counselling or meetings, but both together helped speed up the process. I found that I had to put as much energy and time into working on ME as an alcoholic puts into their recovery in the beginning.

TexasGirl

I'm all over the place here...I started a thread about two entirely different things, Alanon and denial. Sorry...

Here's the quote I was looking for.

This just made me think I must be in denial even more, since I haven't been able to do it thus far.

Always looking, always looking....

meli2005

You might try some different groups. I don't think the group you went to sounds that great. I haven't been all that enthused either with Alanon myself. I really do NEED to try some other groups though. I felt like when I went to the two different alanon groups, everyone there was doing just great and I was the only one with active problems.

meli2005

Individual counseling helped me a lot and I learned a lot as well. Just wanted to add that. But I'm still learning as always!! I don't think you are in denial because you did not like alanon. Going to alanon says you are most likely not in denial.

reader

Texasgirl, those ladies might be getting together as a coffee clutch. It sounds to me like just reading out of a book is silly too. Maybe they don't have a real support leader and our just winging it. Don't give up yet are there any other groups in your area? Most groups have a diverse age group and alot of open chats and a nightly topic. Good luck,

elizabeth1979

I was thinking about this last night.
Its not the age issue that is a factor to me.
I have relationships with people all across the board, age wise.
The factor for me, is do I see something is this person that I can relate to?
Something I can grasp onto and move forward with.
The age of the other members was an issue indirectly, because there was little I couldrealte to from the people in the group I went to.

I will try again and maybe keep a more open eye.