Rotten Mother!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Rotten Mother!
Hello All and Merry Christmas
Well, I haven't posted much lately as I've been busy trying to nurse a big old tom cat back to health. I found him starving and beat up in the bushes and now after his visit to the vets he's doing much better. I call him Moose because he's so big! Anyway, life seemed to have calmed down a lot with my son...guess now he's not had drugs since he's been with his Dad. He still calls and vacillates between being abusive and then nice. I really got "sucked" in again with his being nice then he called and started telling me how rotten I was and have always been. I think he's words were "you're the poorest excuse for a Mom anyone could have." Not four hours later he called and asked if I would consider co-signing for $1,500 for a car. (Remember, he has that truck that he spent thousands of dollars on and it was a work truck). He says he needs the car so he can get back and forth to work. I didn't get a chance to ask what about the truck. Anyway, I immediately said "No, I'm not co-signing because you don't have a real good track record." "You've ruined all your credit and this is the consequence of that." Why do I start the damn lecturing right away! He was so mad at me, said "you want me to do well, but you won't help me." I guess he has forgotten all these years that I did help...once even putting my house up as collateral to get him out of jail! Wow! what a horrible chance I took that time! I was so lucky he showed up in court because I didn't even know where he was. My husband didn't even know I did that! I was so scared, I'll never do anything stupid like that again. I'm posting this because I guess I want to know if I did the right thing by saying no. I woke up this morning with the Italian remorse feeling really guilty about my decision, but I refuse to have him still depend on me at age 40 when he is so capable of earning big money. Maybe not right now because of the weather though! You see how I vacillate! Like MG said, I really feel that I've done everything possible to help him and now it's time to say "no." Thanks for listening...Hugs, Devastated
Well, I haven't posted much lately as I've been busy trying to nurse a big old tom cat back to health. I found him starving and beat up in the bushes and now after his visit to the vets he's doing much better. I call him Moose because he's so big! Anyway, life seemed to have calmed down a lot with my son...guess now he's not had drugs since he's been with his Dad. He still calls and vacillates between being abusive and then nice. I really got "sucked" in again with his being nice then he called and started telling me how rotten I was and have always been. I think he's words were "you're the poorest excuse for a Mom anyone could have." Not four hours later he called and asked if I would consider co-signing for $1,500 for a car. (Remember, he has that truck that he spent thousands of dollars on and it was a work truck). He says he needs the car so he can get back and forth to work. I didn't get a chance to ask what about the truck. Anyway, I immediately said "No, I'm not co-signing because you don't have a real good track record." "You've ruined all your credit and this is the consequence of that." Why do I start the damn lecturing right away! He was so mad at me, said "you want me to do well, but you won't help me." I guess he has forgotten all these years that I did help...once even putting my house up as collateral to get him out of jail! Wow! what a horrible chance I took that time! I was so lucky he showed up in court because I didn't even know where he was. My husband didn't even know I did that! I was so scared, I'll never do anything stupid like that again. I'm posting this because I guess I want to know if I did the right thing by saying no. I woke up this morning with the Italian remorse feeling really guilty about my decision, but I refuse to have him still depend on me at age 40 when he is so capable of earning big money. Maybe not right now because of the weather though! You see how I vacillate! Like MG said, I really feel that I've done everything possible to help him and now it's time to say "no." Thanks for listening...Hugs, Devastated
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In my opinion you did the right thing. I would never even think of getting my son a car. I hope he never gets a car. 
The best thing we can do for our sons is to help them get out of the victim role by allowing him to do things for themselves.
We are not going to be around forever. What will they do when we are gone. If we allow them to do these responsible things now at least we can offer emotional support as they attempt it.
I absolutely refuse to listen to my son when he tries to lay guilt on me. I could feel plenty of guilt, but it doesn't help my son if I do. The only thing that will help him is if he is forced to take care of himself and deal with his own issues. There is nothing I can do to heal is issues. I can treat him with love and respect and the rest is up to him. I wish I had a magic wand, but I don't.
I never had help buying a car. I've traded furniture for cars that didn't run and got under the hood and made them run. If I can do that don't you think our sons can?
I made the mistake of giving my son my older car and he traded it in (when I wanted it back) and totaled the new car within a year.
He has been walking most of the time for several years and that suits me just fine. If he works he works, if he doesn't he doesn't. That is his problem, not mine. I will offer food if he is starving and a jacket if he is cold. I will give him gifts that I want to give him and not something he demands, like money.
He was trying so hard to get money from me for Christmas. I bought him a guitar because that's what I wanted to buy him. What I give is all about me, not him.
Your son doesn't have to make big money right now. He can find a job within walking distance and save for a car. Then he can use the car that he bought to make big money.
This is his life, not yours. You live your life and let him live his. He is trying to put all the responsibiliy for his life on you, but what reward to you get for all your work on his life? Being told that you are a sorry excuse for a mom?????? I would say "You watch and see just how sorry I can be!!!!!!" Quack,Quack,Quack!!!!
Love you,
MG
The best thing we can do for our sons is to help them get out of the victim role by allowing him to do things for themselves.
We are not going to be around forever. What will they do when we are gone. If we allow them to do these responsible things now at least we can offer emotional support as they attempt it.
I absolutely refuse to listen to my son when he tries to lay guilt on me. I could feel plenty of guilt, but it doesn't help my son if I do. The only thing that will help him is if he is forced to take care of himself and deal with his own issues. There is nothing I can do to heal is issues. I can treat him with love and respect and the rest is up to him. I wish I had a magic wand, but I don't.
I never had help buying a car. I've traded furniture for cars that didn't run and got under the hood and made them run. If I can do that don't you think our sons can?
I made the mistake of giving my son my older car and he traded it in (when I wanted it back) and totaled the new car within a year.
He has been walking most of the time for several years and that suits me just fine. If he works he works, if he doesn't he doesn't. That is his problem, not mine. I will offer food if he is starving and a jacket if he is cold. I will give him gifts that I want to give him and not something he demands, like money.
He was trying so hard to get money from me for Christmas. I bought him a guitar because that's what I wanted to buy him. What I give is all about me, not him.
Your son doesn't have to make big money right now. He can find a job within walking distance and save for a car. Then he can use the car that he bought to make big money.
This is his life, not yours. You live your life and let him live his. He is trying to put all the responsibiliy for his life on you, but what reward to you get for all your work on his life? Being told that you are a sorry excuse for a mom?????? I would say "You watch and see just how sorry I can be!!!!!!" Quack,Quack,Quack!!!!
Love you,
MG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
MG
MG:
You are too wise! I just love reading what you write, you make me feel so good. Thank you. I agree with you about making him get responsible for himself. He was for a while but then he choose to do drugs and got himself in a terrible mess with credit. Your son is still young... mine is 40. He yelled at me for 20 minutes telling me how I never taught him about life stradegies. So there you have it, now I'm trying to teach him how to get along without me and he gets angry...go figure! Hugs, Devastated
You are too wise! I just love reading what you write, you make me feel so good. Thank you. I agree with you about making him get responsible for himself. He was for a while but then he choose to do drugs and got himself in a terrible mess with credit. Your son is still young... mine is 40. He yelled at me for 20 minutes telling me how I never taught him about life stradegies. So there you have it, now I'm trying to teach him how to get along without me and he gets angry...go figure! Hugs, Devastated
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I'm off to work, but I just wanted to say that you can't teach someone who refuses to learn. I always tell my son that he raised himself. He wouldn't listen to a thing I ever had to say. I tried every stategy in the books to raise him. He was the kind of kid that would have died before he gave in.
Hugs,
MG
Hugs,
MG
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Devastated,
I am 500% with MG. What would you do if a co-worker talked to you like that??
There is no reason to accept that kind of disrespect from him. My son is 28 and I do not consider that young. My God, I was raising him ALONE at that age and he should be grateful that we had a home and a car (which no one co-signed for) and food, because I worked everyday.
Did you tell him he was a sorry excuse for a son???
Sometimes being plain old pissed off motivates me to do the right thing. It motivated me once, not that long ago, to write a list of all the things I had done for him in just the last year. As I wrote that list I felt more decisive as I went...and mad.
When guilt rears it's ugly head, my list is never far away!
Hugs,
JT
I am 500% with MG. What would you do if a co-worker talked to you like that??
There is no reason to accept that kind of disrespect from him. My son is 28 and I do not consider that young. My God, I was raising him ALONE at that age and he should be grateful that we had a home and a car (which no one co-signed for) and food, because I worked everyday.
Did you tell him he was a sorry excuse for a son???
Sometimes being plain old pissed off motivates me to do the right thing. It motivated me once, not that long ago, to write a list of all the things I had done for him in just the last year. As I wrote that list I felt more decisive as I went...and mad.
When guilt rears it's ugly head, my list is never far away!
Hugs,
JT
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
devastated
You did the right thing. I wouldn't buy my son a used bike (he would sell it), let alone a car.
They need to learn to be responsible for themselves, and also, if he spoke to me like that there is no way in hell I would give him 5 cents to save his life. MG is right...this is just quacking and we soon learn to turn a deaf ear to anything resembling a quack.
Never forget, you don't have to participate in his chaos. We just don't have to play if we don't like the game.
You did the right thing. I wouldn't buy my son a used bike (he would sell it), let alone a car.
They need to learn to be responsible for themselves, and also, if he spoke to me like that there is no way in hell I would give him 5 cents to save his life. MG is right...this is just quacking and we soon learn to turn a deaf ear to anything resembling a quack.
Never forget, you don't have to participate in his chaos. We just don't have to play if we don't like the game.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Hello devastated !
Why are these children no matter how old so darn selfish and ungrateful these days? I think every generation says that.
You definately did the right thing by saying NO!!
MG said it all so well! She is full of knowledge( from experience too).
The more you give the more they want . Where does it end?
You were there for him, you know it and he does too even if he will not admit it now.
Good job! Have a Happy New Year!!
matters
Why are these children no matter how old so darn selfish and ungrateful these days? I think every generation says that.
You definately did the right thing by saying NO!!
MG said it all so well! She is full of knowledge( from experience too).
The more you give the more they want . Where does it end?
You were there for him, you know it and he does too even if he will not admit it now.
Good job! Have a Happy New Year!!
matters
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Eastern Washington/ Arizona
Posts: 24
Never believe you're a rotten Mother, because I did the same thing and I refuse to believe it.
You can see my post about my daughter done a few days ago.
Well what originally set off our dispute was a loan. Without an explanation "what for", daughter asked me to cosign for a loan for $5000. I hestitated and her words were " its thru my work credit union and it will be taken directly out of my check, so its no big deal" I said no, and the bottom line is that the other day I found out she had lost her job, so guess who would have been paying.......? And this is a job she had for 5 years.
She has three kids, now "I'm a rotten Mom" I don't think so
You can see my post about my daughter done a few days ago.
Well what originally set off our dispute was a loan. Without an explanation "what for", daughter asked me to cosign for a loan for $5000. I hestitated and her words were " its thru my work credit union and it will be taken directly out of my check, so its no big deal" I said no, and the bottom line is that the other day I found out she had lost her job, so guess who would have been paying.......? And this is a job she had for 5 years.
She has three kids, now "I'm a rotten Mom" I don't think so
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