validation, insight, venting?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Windy City Burbs
Posts: 101
validation, insight, venting?
I don't know what I am looking for...again.
My H has been out of the house since Nov. 21 and although he is not allowed to come home and I don't want him to until I know he is serious about treatment for alcohol and cocaine I don't know what a timeframe looks like. I feel like I am back at the beginning of not knowing what to expect but have the knowledge and understanding that I cannot control his recovery and I have my own unhealthy behavior patterns to unlearn and learn healthy ones. But there are something that do not sit well with me and depending upon who I talk to I get differing opinions and of course when I start thinking one way of thinking is the right one I start focusing on the other and then get confused and angry with his choices or lack of. Which is again on me for being so consumed by what HE is or isn't doing instead of focusing on me. Indulge me...He is been a drinker forever since a teen...had dabbled with coke and pot throughout high school. Quit smoking pot 15 years ago. Started using coke again this past summer 2 or 3 times a week and been drinking heavily and often for the past year. Things have been a slippery slope aroung here and our family started falling apart I started learning about his disease, my reactions, our stuff and was at the point where I told him to leave. Too many unacceptable behaviors that I had accepted for years added up and enough was enough. Make a long story short he made a very wrong move and sat in jail had his epiphany says he hit rock bottom. Called to be admitted into in-patient rehab. But as time passed he hasn't gone yet. He now wonders if out-patient would be enough. He doesn't want to be resentful of being told what to do and when in in-patient. He has managed to talk to one in-take counselor at the treatment center who was ready to admit him in a day. And 5 days later the next in-take counselor wants to set up an evaluation to see what course of treatment might be best. So he has been to AA twice in the past 4 days. He tells me my opinion counts and asks me if I know that I say no because you have said that in the past just to appease me, you talk of actions and not words but his actions are telling me he is not serious about his recovery. Am I supposed to be ecstatic about his baby steps? I feel guilty that I don't thnk he is doing enough because he knows I'd like to see him in in-patient and then out-patient with meetings. Jump in the deep end. But then I know it is his recovery and I need to support and not control but is this support worthy or is having it my way the only way I think is support worthy. I am hoping to give our marriage one last chance, one real chance. We have lived with a raised our family around this disease and I know it is not going to be better over night. I just don't know how to DETACH, again. I felt I finally detached from the disease now I have to detach from the recovery. My question is does this in-patient/out-patient/evaluation thing seem normal? Why would one counselor say come and the next say wait. She did say she'd take him regardless but I think he was glad to hear that maybe he could have it his way. I know he wants to hear out-patient. Work is not a problem here he lost his job the day he wound up in jail. Any comments even the "seriously back off of his stuff" comments are welcome. Of course I'd love to hear "he is one lucky guy to have you, because he doesn't deserve you." "You are so right, he is quacking louder then a pond full of ducks." But I'll take my lumps, too.
J
My H has been out of the house since Nov. 21 and although he is not allowed to come home and I don't want him to until I know he is serious about treatment for alcohol and cocaine I don't know what a timeframe looks like. I feel like I am back at the beginning of not knowing what to expect but have the knowledge and understanding that I cannot control his recovery and I have my own unhealthy behavior patterns to unlearn and learn healthy ones. But there are something that do not sit well with me and depending upon who I talk to I get differing opinions and of course when I start thinking one way of thinking is the right one I start focusing on the other and then get confused and angry with his choices or lack of. Which is again on me for being so consumed by what HE is or isn't doing instead of focusing on me. Indulge me...He is been a drinker forever since a teen...had dabbled with coke and pot throughout high school. Quit smoking pot 15 years ago. Started using coke again this past summer 2 or 3 times a week and been drinking heavily and often for the past year. Things have been a slippery slope aroung here and our family started falling apart I started learning about his disease, my reactions, our stuff and was at the point where I told him to leave. Too many unacceptable behaviors that I had accepted for years added up and enough was enough. Make a long story short he made a very wrong move and sat in jail had his epiphany says he hit rock bottom. Called to be admitted into in-patient rehab. But as time passed he hasn't gone yet. He now wonders if out-patient would be enough. He doesn't want to be resentful of being told what to do and when in in-patient. He has managed to talk to one in-take counselor at the treatment center who was ready to admit him in a day. And 5 days later the next in-take counselor wants to set up an evaluation to see what course of treatment might be best. So he has been to AA twice in the past 4 days. He tells me my opinion counts and asks me if I know that I say no because you have said that in the past just to appease me, you talk of actions and not words but his actions are telling me he is not serious about his recovery. Am I supposed to be ecstatic about his baby steps? I feel guilty that I don't thnk he is doing enough because he knows I'd like to see him in in-patient and then out-patient with meetings. Jump in the deep end. But then I know it is his recovery and I need to support and not control but is this support worthy or is having it my way the only way I think is support worthy. I am hoping to give our marriage one last chance, one real chance. We have lived with a raised our family around this disease and I know it is not going to be better over night. I just don't know how to DETACH, again. I felt I finally detached from the disease now I have to detach from the recovery. My question is does this in-patient/out-patient/evaluation thing seem normal? Why would one counselor say come and the next say wait. She did say she'd take him regardless but I think he was glad to hear that maybe he could have it his way. I know he wants to hear out-patient. Work is not a problem here he lost his job the day he wound up in jail. Any comments even the "seriously back off of his stuff" comments are welcome. Of course I'd love to hear "he is one lucky guy to have you, because he doesn't deserve you." "You are so right, he is quacking louder then a pond full of ducks." But I'll take my lumps, too.
J
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
The timeframe is all up to him, if he wants it at all! If I were you, I'd take care of me and move on with my life! Al Anon helps and finding outside hobbies to keep you busy help also. You can't ask for a timeframe and I agree with Jazzman on this one ..
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
As they say on the Nar-Anon board - HANDS OFF THE ADDICT!!! And that means his recovery as well. Or lack of it. We cannot know what is right for another person.
The timeframe is all yours. It really is up to you how long you give him. Don't tell him what it is, though, because then he will probably white-knuckle it to get back in the old routine.
Take care of you, as Judy says. That's all that is in your control.
The timeframe is all yours. It really is up to you how long you give him. Don't tell him what it is, though, because then he will probably white-knuckle it to get back in the old routine.
Take care of you, as Judy says. That's all that is in your control.
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by somebodysfool
Am I supposed to be ecstatic about his baby steps?
I just don't know how to DETACH, again. I felt I finally detached from the disease now I have to detach from the recovery.
I just don't know how to DETACH, again. I felt I finally detached from the disease now I have to detach from the recovery.
I have found that it does not work to try to force someone's recovery (it's a thankless, futile job). At one point, I was working harder at my daughter's recovery than she was! And it didn't work - she just went right back to drinking.
The detaching is hard, but necessary. They have to manage their own recovery.
Originally Posted by Jazzman
He's hedging his bets, just not serious about recovery, that's all. When he was sitting in jail...yeah sure. But now he's comfy at home.
Robin
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Home
Posts: 338
Originally Posted by somebodysfool
He tells me my opinion counts and asks me if I know that I say no because you have said that in the past just to appease me, you talk of actions and not words but his actions are telling me he is not serious about his recovery. Am I supposed to be ecstatic about his baby steps? I feel guilty that I don't thnk he is doing enough because he knows I'd like to see him in in-patient and then out-patient with meetings. Jump in the deep end. But then I know it is his recovery and I need to support and not control but is this support worthy or is having it my way the only way I think is support worthy. J
love Cloudy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Windy City Burbs
Posts: 101
Thanks, everyone. It's hard to trust my own instincts. I want to believe him. But I have come to the realization that he just doesn't get it yet. He is slowing starting to in small bits and pieces but the patterns of manipulation are so deeply ingrained in him right now he doesn't know he is deceiving himself, too. I'll do my best to stay strong. It is in everyone's best interest (mine, his and our kids) to do so.
I talked briefly with a friend tonight who spent 3 months in an in-patient rehab in Tennesee. We are going to get together so I can get a grip on what I need to be doing and looking for as red flags.
I can pray, pray, pray. It may take another 20 years to get the answer I am hoping to get, but heck I'll only be 56 then. Ready to see the world. If someone else hasn't scooped me up by then maybe I'll let him hang out with me.
J
I talked briefly with a friend tonight who spent 3 months in an in-patient rehab in Tennesee. We are going to get together so I can get a grip on what I need to be doing and looking for as red flags.
I can pray, pray, pray. It may take another 20 years to get the answer I am hoping to get, but heck I'll only be 56 then. Ready to see the world. If someone else hasn't scooped me up by then maybe I'll let him hang out with me.
J
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
J, I know how hard it is to trust your gut feeling. After all, our judgement seems to have let us down a lot so far, hasn't it? But I realised that I was only listening to surface feelings and "chatter" in my head, rather than listening to that part of me that knew.
One of the best ways I learned to see the red flags was to get to know what recovery really looked like. Open AA meetings and reading on the Alcoholism/AA boards here taught me how to recognise that "je ne sais quoi".
Good luck, hon.
One of the best ways I learned to see the red flags was to get to know what recovery really looked like. Open AA meetings and reading on the Alcoholism/AA boards here taught me how to recognise that "je ne sais quoi".
Good luck, hon.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
J, he is lucky to have you.
Whether or not he deserves that is a moot point.
We can get very caught in that idea of whether or not they deserve our love. The point is, they have it.
The best thing you can do right now is to love him and let him go.
Recovery will come for him when he is ready for it.
That part has nothing to do with you, no matter how much you love him.
Put your focus on you and how this is affecting you.
When it comes to him, send him some light and hope he listens to his best self.
Whether or not he deserves that is a moot point.
We can get very caught in that idea of whether or not they deserve our love. The point is, they have it.
The best thing you can do right now is to love him and let him go.
Recovery will come for him when he is ready for it.
That part has nothing to do with you, no matter how much you love him.
Put your focus on you and how this is affecting you.
When it comes to him, send him some light and hope he listens to his best self.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Yes he is lucky to have you. My husband is still drinking. He is drinking lightly in his opinion so I need to learn to back off. I know that he was attempting to quit only because I wanted him to. I to just have to learn to detach from the recovery. I can't do it for him. Acceptance is so hard a concept. He is a great dad and husband. So I need to learn to let go and trust my HP. One day at a time thats all we can do!!!!
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