jjaaam

Hello all:

My first post here and it will be long...so please bear with me.

First - my story:

Had my first drink at 14. Did so again on isolated occasions until 16. Quit for two years or so - didn't think I needed it. Got back into it again at 18 and have been going "strong" ever since (I'm now 36). Got married at 20. Have three wonderful kids (14, 9, and 6). Had various periods of drinking issues with my wife for the whole relationship. I don't know how many times I promised to cut back, drink only socially, etc. - but I never kept the promise. I'm miserable all of the time - never happy about anything. Always thinking of the next drink...how, when, why, and so forth.

Left the home for a week in January 2005 - drank the whole time. Came back. Left again at the end of May for three weeks - drank every day but one. Got back together and made a promise to my wife that I would not drink again. (BTW...all during this time I am sure SHE was the reason I was unhappy). This was June 17, 2005. Started going to a counselor (who I personally thought was a jerk). All went well for a few weeks until July 5. I was home alone, the wife and kids were out of state, and I drank two days in a row. Didn't tell her. Stayed dry until July 22-23. Wife was out of town. Didn't tell her. Stayed dry until October 15. Wife out of town. All during this time I felt that as long as I didn't do it anywhere else but at home where no one knew and I couldn't get a DUI, it shouldn't matter.

I will add that our fights still continued, at times to the point of getting nuclear.

This whole time I was moody and miserable, much as I had been during our entire relationship. Finally had enough. I told her about the drinking and it devestated her - I had yet again broken her trust. Wife and I decided to go to a marriage counselor on October 26. I had the grandiose "revelation" that the reason I was so unhappy was that I never really loved her, and I told her that in front of the counselor. Things obviously fell apart rapidly after that. I moved out on October 27.

I lived in hotels for three weeks. My financial situation sucks, so I elected to get an apartment before my credit got too bad and wouldn't be able to get the application approved. I have drank every night except three since then...and I don't mean just a six-pack.

I just can't do it anymore. My wife and I had a few good discussions (rare these days) and there seems to be a glimmer of hope and getting back together. BUT-she emphatically states that there is to be NO DRINKING - PERIOD.

I had told her that before, but after a few weeks I resented the hell out of her for it. "But you made that choice!" she would say. I was OK with not drinking in front of her, but I could not deal with the fact that I could NEVER do it again. "Dry drunk", I guess.

So that brings me to today. I have to get this monkey off of my back for good. FOR GOOD.

I have gone to AA meetings and while I can appreciate their message, the thought of having to go to meetings every day or so for the rest of my life terrifies me. I may be in denial, but I feel I just need support and not necessarily a 12-step program. I am going to see a counselor once a week, however.

I stopped drinking two days ago. Putting the "cork in the bottle" is, I know, not enough. I want to find out exactly who the hell I AM, because I don't really know.

Any thoughts or opinions as to what I should do would be greatly appreciated.

best

Does not need to be meetings every day but it must be a life style change and the tools we use every day.
As you learn the steps, you will learn how they work in all areas of your life.
I found the steps through reading the bible and bible studies. Lessons for life.
The steps used in AA are the same... lessons for living life. They help you find out who you are, bring changes where changes may be needed and help us find the tools to deal with the parts of life that can be agrivating.
To be a productive, proper acting person and have the insight to over come the things in life we need over come... what is needed, is the information (tools) that help us. AA can show you those tools.

squirrelly77

Hey there, and welcome to Sober Recovery! This is a wonderful site filled with a lot of supportive people and information on getting and staying sober. Your story sounds like almost everyone else's here that admitted they had a problem with drinking, a few details may change--but it's basically the same. You said that you want to "put the cork in the bottle" and continue living life sober--but you just don't know how. That's a good starting point and the fact that you recognize that it's been very difficult up to this point and that you need help is a very courageous thing to admit. The next question you have to ask yourself is if are you willing...and open enough to go to any length to find a way to stay sober and work on finding out "who you are" as you said and rectify the situation with your homelife? If so--then there are many people here who can help you with that by offering you a solution that has worked for them.
Have a look around these boards, see if you can find some inspiration from some of these posts and by the stories that we all share. If something strikes a chord with you--then ask that someone what they are doing--and I'm sure they'll be happy to answer you.
Again, welcome...you've made a very good step in the direction of a life free of chaos...and free of alcohol. I know that I don't have to take another drink or use another drug again as long as I keep doing the next right thing.

Thanks for being here!
Danielle

Jhana

Hi jjaam,

Thanks for telling us such a good bit about you-a tough story to tell, but rest assured, very similar to many here. I personally use AA for the community, and a program called "SMART" for the nuts and bolts of how to stay sober and have a good life doing it.

www.smartrecovery.org

hang in here, many others will be along to help,

CarolD

Welcome and Hello!

We have info on alternatives to AA in the forum Alcoholism.
But....
I think of AA meetings as classrooms.
The more you go...t the quicker you learn how to enjoy sobriety.

And only you choose how often you attend.

Blessings to you and your family.
Congrats on working towards a sober life!

Time4Change

Boy, can I relate! I'm an opiate addict, and the thought of never having any mood altering substance in my body ever again still squicks me out ..... but I take it one day at a time. For today, I will not drink or do drugs. This, and NA, has given me six months of sobriety so far, and has made my life more manageable.
The counselor is a great idea, so I'd definitely keep that up. However, I hope you'd reconsider AA meetings, or some other 12-step group. Believe me, I was right where you're at! I'm a "soccer mom-lookin' 39-year-old" and I surely didn't want to go into an NA meeting. It's full of drug addicts! (My homegroup cracks up every time I say that.) Once I did, though, I was welcomed with open arms, and after a few meetings I saw something in these other addicts that I wanted. We are all the same. I have met the most wonderful, loving, intelligent, kind, thoughtful people I've ever known in my life! ( That includes the awesome members of this message board, too! ) And yeah, I couldn't grasp going to meetings for the rest of my life, either, but after a few weeks, I began to look forward to my meetings. I started to crave them, need them, love them, get involved with them, etc. It has saved my life!
Good job stopping drinking! That's awesome! I understand not knowing who you are anymore. I felt the same way (I still feel that way) but that's another thing about working a 12-step program ... it'll slowly open you up and show you who you are and teach you a new way to live. Personally, I think everyone, addict or not, could benefit in a 12-step program of some sort. It's a beautiful thing!

Good luck to you. And I really hope you'll stick around and keep posting. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I'm sure it was painful to do, but so much good will come of it! Don't leave before the miracle happens!

lulu70

Hello jjaam--Welcome to SR! Glad you found us. As others have said, this is a great place for support and encouragement. For me, I also need the program of AA. When I first got sober, (over 21 months ago) I went to at least one meeting a day. After the first few months I cut back to about 4 a week. These days, because of my schedule, I can only get to 2 or 3 a week, but I keep up with my step-work, talk to my sponsor, and stay active here as SR to help keep me sane. You can do it too!

Hang in there!

Hugs--

grasshopperpie

Hi, and welcome. I wish you all the success in the world with your recovery. What I'm about to say next doesn't sound very friendly or welcoming, I know, but after reading your post a couple of times, it's just stuck with me:

I don't think it's fair or kind to try to reconcile with a spouse you admittedly "don't really love", someone whom you blamed (and maybe still do...I'm not sure) for your drinking problem. I know it's a very tough task to quit alcohol, and I realize everyone wants and needs all the personal support they can get. But to sentence this woman to a marriage without love from her partner, *and* blame and resentment for his problem, just because you need her right now, seems incredibly wrong to me.

I thank you for sharing your story, and hope that you won't be too offended by my thoughts on it. I am confident you will find this site extremely helpful (aside from my comments...lol). I know I have.

Good luck.

jjaaam

grasshopperpie:

You are absolutely right.

What I am thinking is the problem, though, is that the years of drinking have led me to believe that. I always have blamed everything on her. I haven't been very considerate at all.

I am thinking that once I finally get clear I will realize what I have. She is a great mom. I could trust her with my life. I know that she would do anything for me. I am hoping that the clear head will allow me to see beyond the BS.

Of course, every relationship has issues. The issue for me is that I haven't been dealing with them in the proper way for a very long time.

We are both seeing the same counselor seperately with the ultimate goal of seeing him together to assist in mending our diseased relationship. Some may say that would be a conflict of interest, but I look at it as a benefit. He will know our "personal" issues and have each side of the story.

I know I have been a jerk. I just want to get to the point where her and I are best friends like we were 18 years ago.

grasshopperpie

Well, I truly wish you luck with it. Both of you. I'm sorry if I misread your initial post, but it sounded like you never loved your spouse, and blamed her for the drinking. As you said, every relationship has its problems, and I hope yours can be mitigated by finding recovery.

kev

Hi there jjaaam.

The day I admitted to being an alcoholic I broke down into tears in front of my wife. I never knew how badly my drinking was affecting our marriage.
It is really easy to hide behind the drink.
I have been really surprised at how just this admittance seems to have turned it all around, it seems there is some sort of new understanding between us.
Stopping is hard, it's been two weeks for me and with support it does make it easier.

Just try taking one day at a time, don't think of your entire life without a drink.
One day at a day...........Kev.

Irish Virus

[QUOTE=jjaaam]

So that brings me to today. I have to get this monkey off of my back for good. FOR GOOD.

QUOTE]

JJ:

First let me tell you that it is a great feeling getting that monkey off your back. It's definitely going to be worth the hell you will be going through for awhile if you actually do quit. After a week, more or less, the monkey gets off your back but he still hangs around ready to bite you again. That's where AA comes in.

Go to meetings frequently at first because in hindsight they actually help. There's a lot of BS in the rooms but you need to sift throught the crap to find
the good stuff. If you want to know thyself, read the Big Book. There is a drunk just like you telling his story.

You say you don't need all the steps, but in my opinion you need to work 4 thru 7 to get rid of the resentment against your wife. Find a good sponsor after you sober up in a month or two and work these steps. Don't let some AA tell you you are not ready for a fourth step. Get rid of the big defects first and go back and work the little ones later. I can say this with certainty. My wife (seperated to be divorced) was my biggest resentment and catalyst for my drinking. At least that was the drunk in me thinking. It ate away at me like battery acid. After I asked God to remove this defect of hate towards her, it disappeared some how. Maybe I was brainwashed, but I'll be damned if the steps didn't work.

Good luck.

Hugger

jjaaam,

I just wrote you a novel but accidently closed the window and lost it. So here's the short version. I did hit rock bottom. My life was peachy just 2 short years ago. This past year has plunged me into depths I have not been to before. Nearly homeless, deeply in dept to my friends financially, redneck quantities of broken down vehicles in the drive, etc. On Saturday night, the man I believed I would spend the rest of my life with had enough of my drunken stupidity (he was willing to tolerate the sober stupidity) dumped me. I did not quit drinking for him. I have no illusions of a reconcilliation. I quit because I had lost something that was very valuable to ME, a truly meaningful relationship. With absolute clarity I saw how I have been disrespecting myself and my life.
I've been sober since Sunday. I know you must be looking for more experienced insite. But, I don't think rock bottom is the same for everyone. I think it just means the "point of change". And maby the point of change is when you discover that you love yourself and you respect yourself more than you love your addiction.
Believe it or not this was much shorter than the first version. I have one question. If I had my last drink at 2:00am on Sunday, is my quit day Sunday or Monday? Does it make a difference if I can't remember the last 2 hours?
LOL, Hugger

Midas

Glad you're here with us, jjaaam! Thank Heavens for 2nd chances...3rd chances...4th chances...
Welcome Back!

Welcome Aboard, Hugger!
I'm sure there are several different views on how to judge your sobriety date. I start with the 24 hours following my last drink. I would say Monday is your sobriety date--you were still drinking on Sunday.

Time2Surrender

Does it terrify you more than the thought of being broke and miserable the rest of your life? Maybe never seeing your wife and kids again? Losing everything? It sounds like your life has become quite unmanagable.I tried everyway to get and stay clean and sober.You name it.None of them ever worked for me for too long.Even if I was still clean and sober,evenually I became miserable again.Old behaviors resurfaced.Next thing I knew I was loaded again.Then I decided it was time to surrender.It was time to take my recovery seriously.Whether its AA or in my case NA.Nothing else ever worked for me.Anyway,welcome to SoberRecovery.No matter which path you choose,I am glad your here.

jjaaam

Well...OK. I admit it.

I slipped up last night.

I wanted to have one last hurrah...and every sip I took that thought was in my head - "You had better enjoy this, because this is the last time". Almost like a death...I needed closure.

Looking back, it was kind of funny and symbolic how the night ended up:

-I was sitting next to a guy in the bar that just wouldn't shut the hell up. Kind of like the monkey on my back. Very annoying.

-Ran out of booze at home.

-Ran out of mixer.

-Ran out of cigarettes.

My apartment is now free and clear of everything. I've had my "wake for my dying friend"...

...and today it is time to move on with the rest of my life.

I may be over confident in daying this...but I think this time I really know that I am done...God willing.

Wish me luck!!

squirrelly77

Good luck! Glad to see you sober today!

Danielle

Time4Change

You can do this! Good job ridding your apartment of alcohol. So happy to read how committed you sound to your recovery. Are you at all considering giving AA or some other 12-step group a try? Not meaning to hound you, but it's just that it's so important to your recovery. It's one addict helping another. It's a group of people just like you, who've gone through exactly what you have, who can relate and help guide you in your recovery.