Is my ex an alcoholic? I'm new here (long)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Howard County, Maryland
Posts: 2
Is my ex an alcoholic? I'm new here (long)
Hi everyone. I'm new here - I've been lurking for a few days, but just got up the courage to post.
Some background - I'd been with my (now) ex for almost 7 years, living together for 4 and engaged since June of this year. He was previously in the hospitality business, and is now in sales; he has always been on what I thought was the heavy side of "normal" drinking. I am 30 and he is 37. Neither of us have been married before.
Over the past few months I became increasingly concerned about the amount he was drinking. He often golfed after work and on the weekends during the summer and early fall, and I think he usually got a beer or two at the "19th hole" afterwards. On weeknights it was not unusual for him to come home and have a beer or two while I was making dinner, and then to drink most of a bottle of wine with dinner. He was not ever violent or mean, ever, but the consumption of (conservatively) 4-6 drinks a day every day during the week and more on weekends did concern me, and I mentioned that concern to him more than once.
At the end of October, out of the blue, he told me on a Friday night that he wasn't sure if he wanted to get married or not. That Sunday he spent all day at his favorite bar watching football. We had plans to go out to dinner with friends; he got home late and was uncharacteristically annoyed that he had to leave the bar. We went to dinner, and when we got home, he packed a bag and left in sort of a drunken fit. (Yes, he was drunk and driving.) Two weeks later he told me that it was over, that he was unhappy and thought he should move on. This was a great surprise to me as we'd been looking at potential wedding venues mere weeks earlier.
Since he left I've discovered that he was doing a lot more drinking out than I thought he was. We had not yet combined finances and so I did not know that he was spending so much on alcohol. Further, as a salesperson he does not necessarily have to work 9 to 5, so it seems that he was sometimes knocking off a bit early to get a drink or several. He kept his bar friends very separate from me and from his family and other old friends. I have not found any hidden bottles or anything of that sort, but in hindsight I remember thinking it odd that he kept a bottle of Listerine in his car. (I thought that it was to hide the smell of the occasional cigarette on his breath, but who knows.)
He is insisting on ending our relationship. Although that is very difficult for me to accept, I know I have to. However, I am still very concerned about his drinking, especially as I think I was the only person who knew its extent. There are alcoholics in his extended family although to my knowledge not in his immediate family. He is clearly very good at hiding how much he is drinking, and I feel foolish for not seeing the depth of this problem before.
I am planning on going to Al-Anon and seeing if that will help, but right now I'm kind of overwhelmed. What I want to ask you all is, is there anything else that I can do? I am worried about him and I think he is just kind of flailing about out there. I have thought about calling his parents, but I think that might be more to share the burden of my own worry than out of any idea that it would actually help.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. This seems to be a very supportive and helpful community, and it helps me just to post this. Any advice would be most welcome.
Some background - I'd been with my (now) ex for almost 7 years, living together for 4 and engaged since June of this year. He was previously in the hospitality business, and is now in sales; he has always been on what I thought was the heavy side of "normal" drinking. I am 30 and he is 37. Neither of us have been married before.
Over the past few months I became increasingly concerned about the amount he was drinking. He often golfed after work and on the weekends during the summer and early fall, and I think he usually got a beer or two at the "19th hole" afterwards. On weeknights it was not unusual for him to come home and have a beer or two while I was making dinner, and then to drink most of a bottle of wine with dinner. He was not ever violent or mean, ever, but the consumption of (conservatively) 4-6 drinks a day every day during the week and more on weekends did concern me, and I mentioned that concern to him more than once.
At the end of October, out of the blue, he told me on a Friday night that he wasn't sure if he wanted to get married or not. That Sunday he spent all day at his favorite bar watching football. We had plans to go out to dinner with friends; he got home late and was uncharacteristically annoyed that he had to leave the bar. We went to dinner, and when we got home, he packed a bag and left in sort of a drunken fit. (Yes, he was drunk and driving.) Two weeks later he told me that it was over, that he was unhappy and thought he should move on. This was a great surprise to me as we'd been looking at potential wedding venues mere weeks earlier.
Since he left I've discovered that he was doing a lot more drinking out than I thought he was. We had not yet combined finances and so I did not know that he was spending so much on alcohol. Further, as a salesperson he does not necessarily have to work 9 to 5, so it seems that he was sometimes knocking off a bit early to get a drink or several. He kept his bar friends very separate from me and from his family and other old friends. I have not found any hidden bottles or anything of that sort, but in hindsight I remember thinking it odd that he kept a bottle of Listerine in his car. (I thought that it was to hide the smell of the occasional cigarette on his breath, but who knows.)
He is insisting on ending our relationship. Although that is very difficult for me to accept, I know I have to. However, I am still very concerned about his drinking, especially as I think I was the only person who knew its extent. There are alcoholics in his extended family although to my knowledge not in his immediate family. He is clearly very good at hiding how much he is drinking, and I feel foolish for not seeing the depth of this problem before.
I am planning on going to Al-Anon and seeing if that will help, but right now I'm kind of overwhelmed. What I want to ask you all is, is there anything else that I can do? I am worried about him and I think he is just kind of flailing about out there. I have thought about calling his parents, but I think that might be more to share the burden of my own worry than out of any idea that it would actually help.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. This seems to be a very supportive and helpful community, and it helps me just to post this. Any advice would be most welcome.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... we are glad you found us.
Nope there is nothing you can do where an Alcoholic is concerned. I cant answer if he is one or not and honestly only he can come to that decision.
Im sorry this has happened to you, I can offer the 3 C's ... you did not cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it. If he wants to drink he is going to drink. All you can do is learn as much about this disease as you can, take the focus off him and put it on you.
Tell me something though, is that the kind of life that you want? Perhaps its better to know all this now before marriage and children and he has actually done you a favor. When my ex-abf broke up with me I was crazy with not being able to understand. He had quite drinking and was in AA for about a month when this happened and I could not get my head around the "whys" of it. I finally came to the decision that God did for me what I would not do for myself.... Im so much happier now.
Keep coming back and posting, read the stickies and remember your not alone in any of this.
Nope there is nothing you can do where an Alcoholic is concerned. I cant answer if he is one or not and honestly only he can come to that decision.
Im sorry this has happened to you, I can offer the 3 C's ... you did not cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it. If he wants to drink he is going to drink. All you can do is learn as much about this disease as you can, take the focus off him and put it on you.
Tell me something though, is that the kind of life that you want? Perhaps its better to know all this now before marriage and children and he has actually done you a favor. When my ex-abf broke up with me I was crazy with not being able to understand. He had quite drinking and was in AA for about a month when this happened and I could not get my head around the "whys" of it. I finally came to the decision that God did for me what I would not do for myself.... Im so much happier now.
Keep coming back and posting, read the stickies and remember your not alone in any of this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Hi babkagirl and welcome to SR!
I think that it is great that you are going to go to Alanon..You will gain alot of insight and support there..Try 5 - 6 different meetings until you find one you are comfortable in..There are plenty of people in Alanon who are not in a relationship with an alcoholic but are trying to recover themselves.
As for the question - is there anything you can do?
I struggled with that same question when my exbf and I broke up..
here's a suggestion:
1. go to alanon meetings
2. read some literature
3. get a sponsor
4. get to know some of the people in the program.
In my experience in relationships with alcoholics (I've had more then one)..it ain't over until it's over..
My most recent ex alcoholic bf and i broke up quite a few times..until I decided to go to Alanon and decided I didn't want that for my life..
I too wanted to do an intervention, call his parents (basically try to "save him")..I didn't do any of those things..I just let him be..As far as I know (it's been over a year)..he's still drinking..
it sucks, it hurts, but until he's ready (and it doesn't seem that he is) there is nothing you can do but work on yourself..
Take the focus off of him and focus on taking care of you.
Hope this helps! Keep us updated.
I think that it is great that you are going to go to Alanon..You will gain alot of insight and support there..Try 5 - 6 different meetings until you find one you are comfortable in..There are plenty of people in Alanon who are not in a relationship with an alcoholic but are trying to recover themselves.
As for the question - is there anything you can do?
I struggled with that same question when my exbf and I broke up..
here's a suggestion:
1. go to alanon meetings
2. read some literature
3. get a sponsor
4. get to know some of the people in the program.
In my experience in relationships with alcoholics (I've had more then one)..it ain't over until it's over..
My most recent ex alcoholic bf and i broke up quite a few times..until I decided to go to Alanon and decided I didn't want that for my life..
I too wanted to do an intervention, call his parents (basically try to "save him")..I didn't do any of those things..I just let him be..As far as I know (it's been over a year)..he's still drinking..
it sucks, it hurts, but until he's ready (and it doesn't seem that he is) there is nothing you can do but work on yourself..
Take the focus off of him and focus on taking care of you.
Hope this helps! Keep us updated.
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
It's not for me to diagnose anyone as an alcoholic, but I have heard that if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck......... y'know?
I agree with the idea of going to Al-Anon. You may be surprised at how similar others' experiences will sound to yours. I swear I've heard other people telling my story in those rooms, even though they were only relating their own experiences.
I take comfort in the belief that, though I may not know what the answers are, I know that there are answers. I've found mine with the help of Al-Anon.
I hope you'll stick around and let us get to know you...
I agree with the idea of going to Al-Anon. You may be surprised at how similar others' experiences will sound to yours. I swear I've heard other people telling my story in those rooms, even though they were only relating their own experiences.
I take comfort in the belief that, though I may not know what the answers are, I know that there are answers. I've found mine with the help of Al-Anon.
I hope you'll stick around and let us get to know you...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crazy planet
Posts: 32
(((((babkagirl)))))
The disease of Alcoholisim is progressive and can be treated but not cured. Please remember the 3 C's and think long and hard on your reasons for wanting to stay in this relationship.
Hugs and Prayers,
Loulouise
The disease of Alcoholisim is progressive and can be treated but not cured. Please remember the 3 C's and think long and hard on your reasons for wanting to stay in this relationship.
Hugs and Prayers,
Loulouise
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Howard County, Maryland
Posts: 2
Thanks, everyone, for taking the time to reply. It helps knowing that there are other people out there who have gone through something similar. I'm lucky in that he was never violent or even mean, but boy, does he seem to have been good at hiding what he was doing and how much he was drinking. The only thing he's told me that rang true about why he's broken up with me was that he was tired of me telling him he drank too much.
I'm going to my first Alanon meeting on Monday - very interested to see how it goes. There are lots of meetings in my area so I'm going to keep testing them out until I find one that fits. In the meantime I'm trying to focus on what I need to do (mostly, find an apartment of my own! - he's staying elsewhere right now). I'm trying to keep things cordial between us so that if he ever decides he wants help he will know he has my support, but I've also asked him not to contact me in any way until he hears from me. I think the time off will help me focus on myself.
Thanks again everyone. You've been very kind.
I'm going to my first Alanon meeting on Monday - very interested to see how it goes. There are lots of meetings in my area so I'm going to keep testing them out until I find one that fits. In the meantime I'm trying to focus on what I need to do (mostly, find an apartment of my own! - he's staying elsewhere right now). I'm trying to keep things cordial between us so that if he ever decides he wants help he will know he has my support, but I've also asked him not to contact me in any way until he hears from me. I think the time off will help me focus on myself.
Thanks again everyone. You've been very kind.
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