rookknight65

So I went to my first Al-Anon meeting today. It really helped a lot. Everyone told me I didn't have obsessive-compulsive disorder after all. They gave me a lot of literature to read tonight and i'm going back Wednesday. I mentioned how I believe in my girlfriend and how much potential she has and everyone laughed. That seems to be a common thread among enablers. I left feeling a lot better. Some of them didn't really understand why I don't just let her go since we don't live together, or have children together. An old black gentleman tho just smiled at me and said he understood that I was just "in love". I am. I wish I could let her go and let her drink herself to death if that's what she wants.
What should I do? Do I tell her I'm going to Al-Anon? It would probably make her feel guilty if she knew I was in so much pain that I turned to a 12-step program. On the other hand, she would get the message that I'm serious about our relationship and want to make it work. I know it's not about that, that I need to work on me, I kind of want her to know what i'm doing on my lunch hour tho. Any advice?

Gabe

Going to Alanon is no slight against your girlfriend and I would hope that she wouldn't take it as such.
Going to Alanon is something to help you heal.
I'm glad you had a positive first experience.
A word of caution.
People in Alanon are not therapists or psychiatrists.
They really aren't in any position to determine whether or not you have a
personality disorder.
If you have concerns about that, I would seek the advice of a professional.

rookknight65

Thanks Gabe,
I guess what I mean is the time I spend obsessing about my girlfriend and her drinking. It bothers me that I spend a huge amount of my time each day worrying about her and weaving all of these elaborate fantasized scenarios involving her recovery or lack of recovery. It's just so much time invested in worry and "obsession". I'm not having fun in life right now and I want to have fun again.I want to stop now (this very second that is--ask me in an hour and I may not). I want to get off the roller coaster.

Gabe

Gotcha Rook.
We can spend so much time being "over involved" or "enmeshed" in the lives of our addicted loved one that we completely forget about our own lives.
That is what our recovery is all about.
Putting the focus back on us.

rookknight65

I know what you mean Gabe, I've been letting things go lately because all my energy is focussed on her. I've neglected other relationships that are important to me, and am falling behind on taking care of day to day personal things and now they're all mounting up (just in time for Christmas). Someone told me this today. I really want to learn how to detach at this point. I keep responding to every little mood she has as if my character and the relationship itself depended on my correct response. I just want a break from being a "Veteran of the Psychic Wars".

meli2005

You Know, I think honesty is best in a relationship. I would tell her you are going to Alanon and I would tell her how much her drinking has hurt you and how it invades your relationship. It is important for you to express yourself too and get your feelings out.

nocellphone

I honor your courage in walking through that door, rook. It ain't easy...

I might've laughed too, but only because I've been there. My ex had tons of "potential" but, as it turned out, very little "actual"... I found that I needed to focus on what is, not what might be. When I dwell on the ifs, I fall into a fantasy world and reality slips away. For me, that's one definition of denial, the root of this disease.

Most importantly, as they told me in that very first Al-Anon meeting, my focus needed to be on myself. That's tough to do after a lifetime of obsession training, but I learned to do it and my life is much better today as a result...

Only this: keep coming back.

minnie

Just thinking about the "potential" thing (and I've said it about my ex too) - if a partner of mine went to a meeting and said that I had potential, I think I would feel terribly patronised and so unloved for who I am. We Al-anons can be so superior, can't we?

I would tell her. If she's serious about recovery, she'll understand. If she's not, she'll throw it back in your face.

Oh, and well done for going to a meeting. First time is the hardest.

Gabe

Boy NCP, that is SUCH a good point.
I can't count the number of Anon posts I have read on this forum, wondering whether they should stick around "in case he/she gets sober". There seems to be this prevalent, underlying fear that if they (the Anon) leave the relationship the addict will get sober and the Anon will "miss out". That is banking on some heavy duty "ifs" in most cases. And certainly not dealing with "what is".

robina

It's great you had the courage to go to a meeting.
It will be a great source of comfort and help.

I would tell her.

But I would also make clear that in Al-anon, we don't go there to talk about the alcoholic. Sometimes alcoholics object to loved ones attending Al-anaon because they think we will be talking about them. Let her know that you are going to help yourself, and to work your own recovery program.

Robin

robina

It's great you had the courage to go to a meeting.
It will be a great source of comfort and help.

I would tell her.

But I would also make clear that in Al-anon, we don't go there to talk about the alcoholic. Sometimes alcoholics object to loved ones attending Al-anaon because they think we will be talking about them. Let her know that you are going to help yourself, and to work your own recovery program.

Robin

Cynay

Im in the honestly is the best policy boat.

I dont know for sure but is "protecting her feelings" a form of enabling or helping them with denial?

Either way, "What if" (ha my favorite words) she found out another way? For me to find things out the "other way" just gives me less trust in a person and makes me wonder what else they are not telling me.

splendra

I have mixed feelings about you telling her....if she asks what are you doing on your lunch hour then tell her for sure...if you have to search for a way to tell her you are going then maybe it's best not to tell her. If she finds out some other way that you are going to meetings then so what?

I think the point I am trying to make is if you feel you have to tell her what is your motivation? If you are bent on telling her because you want her to know you are hurt by her drinking is this not a form of manipulation? Let your boundries take care of you and let your actions show her how you feel about her and her drinking...

gelfling

I'm with Splenda on this one. Does she let you know when she's going out to drink? Actually, how close is the relationship? Living in the same house? Just platonic?

You have a life to live and going to alanon is part of it. If telling her is a part of a master plan to get her to seek recovery, it may not work.

Just take care of you.

Blessings

rookknight65

We aren't even lovers at this point although I really do love her. Lately though, I stopped trying to prove that I really love her and that i'm not just someone trying to play her. I realize these comments from her a way to just keep me on the defensive and keep paying attention.
I haven't told her i'm going to Al-Anon yet. So far Ive been to 3 meetings this week and starting to get a little comfortable there. I'm trying to wait for the right moment to tell her and not appear like i'm trying to put guilt trip on her or prove I really love her by doing this. I need Al-Anon for me.
Ultimately, I think I will eventually just let her go if nothing continues to change. I really miss intimacy with someone, especially right now around the holidays. I don't mind being there if she wants to get sober, but I can't wait around forever. Right now I guess I have nothing better to do than stick around.

pmaslan

You have plenty to do!!! Keep going to those meetings and making yourself happy!
It is impossible to be intimate with an active alcoholic....just read some of the recent
posts if you are in doubt. We all deserve someone to be happy and content with.
Don't sell yourself short....