guyinNC

It sounds like my wife is not doing well. A friend went by where she is staying and the update is not good. She has not been by to see the kids in over nine days. She has been sick with an respitory infection, losing wieght, down to 102lbs. Says she is not drinking, but who knows for sure. She is facing legal challenges in the next two weeks also. Seems very depressed. The place she is staying is unhealthy. Living with two gay ladies, one of whom is bipolar, alcoholic with a string of arrests. No, my wife is not gay.....they met at AA.

We are separated, she wants to come home......but I just don't know, the affair, the drinking, the lies.

I feel I should take her in to save her life. But that would be enabling?

I have talked to her parents.

If I do not watch, I will planning her funeral.

Any suggestions?

Minx1969

Guy,

Nothing changes if nothing changes..It is really hard to watch our loved ones suffer the consequences of this horrible addiction..but she needs to suffer the consequences..

I've been told "doubt means no"..If you have doubts about taking her back (and all the chaos that will undoubtly occur..DON'T DO it)..If it is a peaceful decision then do it..

Why can't you continue to wait and see what happens.

It is a good thing that she is staying with people in AA..These are the people that can keep her alive if she is working her program.

If you take her back, what has changed? You kids are just getting adjusted to life without her, to bring her back in is to invite chaos etc..

Only your wife can fix her life..

ASpouse

Wasn't the whole point of letting her go do her thing was to let her hit bottom? If you pull her out now, you will be putting off the inevitable.

Now I am a hard ass to be sure, but I say let her sink or swim. Remember, this was her idea and her choice. Let her continuing falling until she hits bottom. She has to pull herself up and out of this mess.

cwohio

guy - i agree - it's horrible to watch them fall until they get to the bottom. and you could be planning a funeral no matter where she is living. it's never easy seeing the decline.

Jazzman

An alcoholic that close to their bottom is not a pretty sight. I would not want my kids to have a front row seat to that. It just plain sucks, I know.

guyinNC

The people she is staying with do not have the best of relationships. The two lesbians quarrel a lot. The one my wife befriended is a screw up, mental health issues , arrests, alcohol. Plus I think she may have a crush on my wife. My wife is not gay, so I think this woman is not supportive of hetrosexual relationships. She also depends on my wife to drive her around. I think they are also drinking together...not sure.

For her to recover, it seems like she needs a better environment. Halfway house? Anywhere else?

God, what a mess!

BigSis

You might want to find the numbers for Oxford Houses in your state. Clean and sober living arrangements - but they won't put up with any drinking or using, and when my daughter was kicked out, she had 15 minutes to gather up her stuff and get out the door.

They are tough, but fair. I think it is appropriate to get her the numbers, but let her decide if that is an option she wants to pursue... if she isn't ready, it won't do any good.

Minx1969

I agree with BigSis..there are plenty of options (halfway houses, threequarter houses) if she wants them.

You can give her the numbers but you can't make her go..

LovingMom

When Sean was ready to get clean, he asked for help. I gave him the phone book and an insurance card. It was all up to him to make the plans.

Is your wife asking for help? If not, then you are putting yourself...or should we say..you wind in her sails. It a known trap for all of us..we want to step in and save the day...to help make them better..or at least to help them on their way. BUT...you can't make them make the call or do anything other than what they want.

I'm sorry if I offend you. But keep yourself safe and sane.

guyinNC

Thanks for the response. Just looking for ideas without being enabling. Is it possible to do such a thing.

Can you help your alcoholic, without making the situation worse.

I know she has to save herself, but what if she is in a bad place where the odds of coming to that decision are not likely?

minnie

And the odds of her saving herself in a "good" place? I reckon if you make it "less bad" then she is less likely to reach the decision she needs to make.

I know it hurts. It's one of the worst places for US to be in too.

ASpouse

Yes, by taking care of YOU and doing stuff for YOU! That is how you can help the alcoholic in your life.

jen928

guy....if that's the case, then you are faced with the same situation I am in right now. My mom has been unable to make the decision for herself. Her health is failing (very fast) and I'm sure she has a large amount of liver damage (her eyes are yellowing) but even in this case, I can not force her to go. We have tried the intervention route. I have spoken to her just one on one. She refuses to get help. The best thing for you right now is to detach. Allow your ex to come to terms with the fact that her bottom is coming fast. She will eventually hit her bottom and since she's still young and has young children, I hope she hits her bottom soon! Then you can be there to help her. You can start by looking around and doing some research on treatment centers, sober living houses, etc.....then you will be prepared when she comes around and finally says HELP ME.
Good luck and stay strong....especially for your kids.

robina

An alcoholic hitting bottom is horrible for the loved ones. We don't have drugs or drink to numb our pain. That is why we need support.

Don't step in and rescue her now. Stand firm, as much as it hurts.

I know it feels like a "life or death" situation, because it is.

But think about this - if you rescue her now, are you doing it because you want to remove her suffering, or are you doing it because you cannot bear the pain of watching what the disease is doing to her?

I really believe that ennabling kills alcoholics.

However, at the end of the day, it is your decision to make.

Robin

guyinNC

I called the house where my wife is staying last night....talked to responsible lesbian. She said her SO was drinking and she kicked her and my wife out of the house. She said she did think my wife had been drinking in the past few weeks, but she was not sure about today. She said my wife was very depressed, not eating, sleeping almost all the time. Not following through with anything....scared of her upcoming court dates. She thought she needed mental and physical medical help. She is having a nervous breakdown! She thought they went to a hotel.

We live in a small town...I found out where she went to spend the night.

What should I do? I have talked to her family, but they live a 1000 miles away. They are concerned. Her roomate, the responsible one, said that she knows she needs help. We are legally separated now.....so what can I do?

Her friend is drinking, I suspect my wife is too.

minnie

Guy, that must be tough to hear.

So, what's your solution?

equus

When I don't know what to do I try to get more info and then decide. I would suggest maybe do the same. There's a vast difference between going to see her yourself, or phoning and letting her move back in - one rescues the other only does IF you decide to let it lead that way.

We should care for each other as human beings but that should not mean a life long responsibility FOR any other human being.

Cap3

You asked-save her life?Or just enabling.This my friend is something that you need to decide for yourself,whether you are saving her life or enabling.I know this because i too was in somewhat the same position,as my hub was hitting his bottom.I went to others for councel,of course,but knew in my heart of hearts that the decision had to be mine.I prayed about this matter.There comes a time,when the alcoholic,is insane,totally,and cannot function,make decisions,,etc,,etc..I witnessed this in hub.{my bottom was higher,i never experienced what he did}.Asking him to go for help,was like asking my cat to go for help.He was way,way out there mentally,phyically,spiritually.And,i, asked myself where do street folks come from?They come from family,kicking them out,feeling that they have no other choice,for their own sanity.We all gota do what is best,to each their own.I was scared,and in great fear at this time,fear for him,for by now i had,had 10 years soberiety,and 10 years in Al-anon,recovery programs.His drinking was a non-issue,didnt bother me,but how it all was affecting him at this point did.My father had wet-brain....I,made the decision to help him.Fed,him,washed,him,and took care of him.Yupper all against the advise of others in recovery program.But i did this,because i felt this is what im guided to do at this time.No matter what happens,hub was not going to end up in the streets.Others tell me,that i enabled him and prolonged his getting help.I dont feel this way,it,doesnt feel true for me,.And it was during this time,that when he became clearer,and was told he,d lose his job,that he went for help.By God,s grace he came to rehab,then AA and is sober now for a few years.Looking back today i would do the same thing,i have no regrets...
Pray my friend,about this.Take your time.Through prayers you will know if you are actually enabling,or not.This is how it worked for us...
My prayers are with you both,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!

DesertEyes

Here's a few things you can do.

- Go to a meeting of al-anon or nar-anon and share with the people there. They live in your part of the world and they know what resources are available to your wife. Go to an open meeting of AA or NA and share with them.

- While you're at the al-anon or nar-anon meeting get a sponsor.

- While you're at the al-anon or nar-anon meeting get the phone list of all the people willing to take calls. Start at the top of the list and call every single person on that list.

- While you're at the AA or NA meeting get the phone list of all the people willing to take calls. Keep that list in your pocket in case your wife ever calls _you_. If she does call, then give her that list and tell her to call the people at the AA and NA meetings.

- Go to the alcohol rehab facility that is available in your area and ask to speak with a counselor. Tell the counselor about your wife.

- Go to as many meetings as you possibly can, call as many folks from those meetings as you can, and have them help you make a plan so that when your wife _does_ ask for help you will now exactly who to call and where to send her.


Mike :-)

robina

Good point - The kind of "life or death" chaos that the alcoholics create around them makes us crazy. It makes it very hard for us to think clearly. This is what the disease does to us. This is why we need a lot of support from Al-anon, therapists, and sites like this.

This is really good advice. When we just don't know what to do, and when the stakes seem so very dire, the only thing you can do is follow your higher power.


God bless
Robin