equus

Why is it sometimes confidence just legs it out the door without bothering to even say goodbye first?

Most of the time I come across and feel confident - most of the time but then ther are times when it just seems to disappear, one of those happened on Friday night. It happened over the last months with D too.

We had an archery taster session, I hadn't expected to be good at it - nor was I really bothered whether or not I was, more than anything I wanted to have a giggle, learn a bit about something new and have a night out as a couple that had nothing to do with booze! My brother has been going for a few months and I wanted to see him do his thing because he's loving it (and has found something he's VERY good at!).

It all started fine, friendly, fun, informative and I was eager to have a go. The first arrow I shot the string caught my arm PAINFULLY and I was told it was because I had done it wrong and was trying to push the bow away from me. I stood there not getting how I could avoid doing that, scared of getting twanged a second time, and suddenly feeling HOPELESS to get it right. I did get it a bit better but just wanted to get off the spot and out the situation.

Then it got worse, as soon as I lifted the bow for a second turn I felt all wrong, the instructer kept asking me where the arrow was pointing but it was pulled to my chin not my eye so I kept saying I don't know. Communication got worse, I didn't seem to understand any of the instructions - I even carried the arrows wrong.

I ended up feeling very tearful, and wondering why I felt so bad, feeling like an idiot for looking tearful too. It felt like everyone would get angry with me for not trying but I'd lost the confidence to really try I just wanted to get rid of my 3 arrows each time so I could run away.

D was upset that I was upset, but the more he tried to be comforting the more near to tears I got and the more stupid I felt. He said we could leave but I thought I'm not going to let this win and said no. I want us to go to archery and I know I could enjoy it good or bad. D was lovely with me and kept saying he was proud of me which made no sense to me 'cos I felt like a right plonka!

I can't figure this out - the same thing would happen off and on through everything that was happening with D over the last months, or at work - just a complete confidence hole! I can be fine and then start to feel like 'I can't ' do whatever, then feel totally overwhelmed, tiny, and about to be squished. At the same time I feel apalled at my own emotional reaction because I KNOW this happens and I don't know why. When it's something big I can blame the bigness of it but I know that I can be confident with big things so that doesn't make sense. When it's something small like a first session of archery I can't blame anything and I'm just left feeling dumb.

Any insight?

equus

Yep the vacuum story is exactly what I mean!! It doesn't bother me too much if it's in private because I know all the way through I'm being a plonka and that it isn't important, but in public when I would kill to know how to stop it it REALLY bothers me!

It feels literally like I've taken one step and fallen into a confidence hole. I'll be stood there feeling completely stupid, worthless, annoying, and I KNOW saying those things to myself don't help so I tell myself off for that too. It used to happen when I tried to ride in front of customers too, I could have a youngster going beautifully, then when the customers were there to see their little cherub ridden EVERYTHING would go wrong and the same feelings of absolute failure, just wanting to hide and cry would wash over me.

I'm going back to archery - there's no way in hell I'll run from this but it made me realise it really P!SSES me off! Almost as much as the occassional idiot who finds a strange urge to tell you that all you need is confidence! Thankfully that didn't happen on Friday.

At work it happens when I feel like someone doesn't understand what I mean or they keep repeating the same thing when I've said I don't understand what they mean. Guess what suddenly I feel like an idiot, I get sure they're going to get cross, very frustrated and don't know what to do!

Things archery wise should improve because I'm right handed and was shooting with a left handed bow to begin with (because I was left eye dominant), when I changed to a right handed one it felt much better.

I reckon it happens about once a month and usually within hours or a day it's just passed and I feel fine again. But I'm sick of it!

Some of what you said about letting the importance of big things spill over to small things makes sense. I've always seemed to have had quite a lot of responsibility and have worked in proffessions with high consequences for any errors. Recently homelife was like that too.

minnie

E - are you bothered what other people think of you and your ability? Or is it your own perfectionism?

equus

Honestly - I don't know. I've enjoyed loads of things I'm bad at, I can love the humour of a total '**** up' (an expression which isn't rude - it comes from archery), even when it's me that's got it wrong. The majority of the time I'm happy with myself as a bit of a clown but one with my head screwed on.

I don't know why this suddenly happens, literally going from being eager to make a prat of myself to feeling helpless and hopeless within five minutes. I think it's frustration at myself for not getting something but why sometimes I find that funny and others my confidence crashes I haven't a clue.

When D was very ill, one day I could feel like 'hey I'm doing ok, this is hard but I'm still here, I've got X Y Z support' etc then have the odd day feeling like I had messed everything up, got everything wrong, couldn't cope at all etc. Thankfully the downs rarely lasted even a whole day, where as the ups could stay around for a week or so.

minnie

Does it depend on whose company you are in?

I think it's natural to be a bit wobbly when you're dealing with the situation with D - guess that could spill over into other areas too. I know that when I am very stressed, I literally can't make decisions. I even have to get my bro to decide what we're having for tea. Of course, I am so not stressed about my cooking, but about other things entirely.

equus

There's alot here and I need a bit of time to let it sink in.

It doesn't depend on it - I can do it all to myself alone sometimes BUT it's more likely to happen being around people where for whatever reason (maybe just don't know them well) I feel less confident anyway, especially if they start to get frustrated.

Idget - What you said about your Dad made me think maybe I've always been in situations with high consequences, the stakes have always seemed high and perhaps that does condition us a bit.

I think generally I feel a bit wobbly anyway right now because so much has changed so fast and not all my emotions have caught up yet, not helped by not really feeling that confident in the change sticking yet (growing though!). However it's crossed my mind to tackle this and I'm not going to make excuses to ignore it. It's happened all through my life at times, some of them at easy times. I want to understand it well enough to STOP IT before it literally turns me into an idiot for real (tempory). I can't learn or reason a damn thing feeling like that!

equus

I've got a doctors appointment tomorrow and I've decided I'm going to mention this to her. Maybe it's the wrong place but it would be a start.

It was nice to ring the surgery today and get an appointment for tomorrow - normally you can only book MORE than four days ahead or ring on the morning for what's available. The last time I went she said she would arrange instant access for me by phone or appointment - I haven't needed it since (I didn't this time) but knowing it's there makes me feel loads better. It helps to know whatever happens I won't have all the hurdles to face I faced this time. (Derailed my own thread a bit but it mattered to me.)

minnie

How can it not pattern you? The stakes are not high when it comes to archery NOW, but would have been high if, for example, you were a child and would get beaten if you didn't do well at something.

This is where CBT comes in useful. Changing your thought process about a situation is so simple, yet so effective.

Jazzman

Equus, I meant to mention this yesterday but work got in the way. It struck me as curious that Ds confidence was boosted around the same time he witnessed yours get rattled w/ the archery thing. Is the role of supportive nurturer one he's not accustomed to? Is it rare that he sees your confidence get rattled? Just curious...

And BTW, those bows hurt like heck when they thwack you in the forearm!

equus

I've been thinking along the same lines - 'Awfulising' is pretty much what happened at the archery. My problem has been where the stakes DO seem high to me, most of the recomendations seem to focus on where they aren't (like archery). Partly this is why I want to mention it to my doc just as a first step.

It's not often that I've lost the plot over something that really doesn't matter but he did know I was struggling at times with my confidence when he was ill and his instinct was always to be supportive. For example he's left it up to me who I tell because he trusts me to chose and recognised I needed to be able to talk to friends and explain stuff at work.

D is BRILLIANT with my brother, it puts me to shame because he's about 10 times more patient and respectful than me, I would say he's a natural nuturer - loves plants, animals, etc. He's also a very good teacher because he believes in people's abilities. During the archery it was D who recognised what I'd mis-understood and explained it to me differently, only then he added he should have done so sooner - DOH!!

I've said on here more than a few times that I get as much support from D as I offer. At the worst times for him it was me that kept things hidden because it didn't seem right to load any more on him - but that was only through really difficult times and I never succeeded perfectly.

The actual activity of archery I think he had more confidence in than most because he's a very good marksman with an air rifle - he got bored aiming for the target many years ago - he prefers to aim for the drawing pins holding it up!! In the class itself he was normal D, quiet but not rudely - he could run a masterclass on how to nod and smile effectively so no-one notices you don't speak!!