rookknight65

Hi all,
This week is my first time coming here. Earlier this week I posted this thread in 3 parts under Guys' column and realized it would be more appropriate here. So here it goes:

12-1-05

I have been in a really stressful situation for over a year now. I'm very much in love with an alcoholic. We dated for six months and the partying got so crazy that I had to break up with her this past April. Her personality changes when she drinks. She's normally quiet and reserved when she's sober, and wild and fun when she drinks. I must admit i'm attracted to both sides, but i'm frightened of her drunk side. She constantly seeks attention from other men (and free drinks) even when she's out with me. I almost convinced her to go into Bradford this summer but the backed out the day she was to leave for in-patient treatment. She admits she has a "drinking problem", but won't use the word 'alcoholic". She also has a history of alcoholism in her family. She has a great professional job and functions well during the week. She has also had gastric bypass surgery and knows that she isnt suppose to ever drink anymore but continues to do so. She thinks that by cutting back, she can solve her problems (as a recovered addict I know better).
I have given her meeting times of AA, given her a "Big Book", and loads of encouragement (and pressure-which hasn't worked). She has so much potential and I know she wants to be happy. Despite the fact we are no longer a couple, we talk nearly every day on the phone. All logical arguements tell me to leave her alone but I am so in love with her I don't know how to even stop calling her. I told her we don't have a chance until she can at least attend AA regularly. I feel like my whole life is on hold and I don't want to give up on her. I've even put off chances at other relationships because i'm so hung up on her. I honestly don't know if I just want to save her. I think about this all the time lately and really want to just want to reach some conclusion. Any help would be appreciated.

12-2-02

Wow, was just re-reading the message I posted last night and i really can't believe myself. If I were giving someone advice on this I would tell them to run as fast as I could. My post looks very co-dependant. A friend told me this morning that that is what she is trying to make me become so I can enable her. All I can say is LOVE STINKS and I don't want to do this anymore. This crap just triggers me to want to use and I haven't felt that way in a long time. I don't know what's wrong with my willpower. I do know that i'm very angry with alcohol in general now (especially Rum and Coke - her drink of choice). I really fear going into the Holidays this month. Just want it to be January already. Why can't alcoholics see the pain they put the one's they love in? She's a smart girl and I know she loves me. I just don't get it.

12-4-05

So I picked my girlfriend up Saturday after she agreed to go to an AA meeting. I showed up and she was still in her robe. I really pressured her to get dressed and go so she did, reluctantly. We got there 10 minutes late and it seemed to go well. She met with the meeting leader afterwards for about 10 minutes while I chatted with a friend, she got some information, and we left. On the way home, she states," it seems like an aweful lot of whining" regarding people talking about their problems. My heart kind of sank. The only thing I knew to say was, "That's kind of the idea". People have to get it out and a meeting is a great place to do it. I know one meeting isn't going to change everything, I just want a little hope. I dropped her off at home and left. It was really awkward. I figured she needed time to process it all alone. Today tho, a friend told me she saw her out at the bars last night. I'm just ready to give up. This is some pretty horrible pain. I don't know what else to do. Can anyone help? Am I doing the right thing? She won't even tell me what she's thinking and I'm tired of pushing.

robina

Welcome.

You are feeling the pain of loving an alcoholic. This disease not only destroys the drinker - it also reaches out and makes the loved ones sick and crazy.

I have found a huge amount of comfort, support and understanding by attending Al-anon meetings. You will learn that you can have peace of mind, even if the alcoholic continues to drink.

You are working very hard at her recovery. This ennables her to coast along, letting you do all the work! As hard as it is to hear this, you need to work on your own recovery, and detach with love. Allow her to make her own decisions, even if those decisions seem wrong to you. This may result in some awful things happening - this is called "hitting bottom" and it is what helps the alcoholic to find the motivation to stop drinking.

As you know, the disease of alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. It just doesn't make sense. There is no logic to why our loved ones do such terrible damage to themselves.

All we can do is stand by and watch the wreckage. It hurts us. That is why we need a recovery program of our own (such as Al-anon).

Keep coming back. You will find a lot of comfort and understanding here.

Hang in there

Robin

sunshinebluesky

being involved with an active alcoholic or substance abuser sucks.it just really sucks. i thought i had gone thru pain in other breakups,but by far this was THE worse,all the way around. during the relationship and even after. they confuse you,hurt you,frustrate you,and most of all,for some reason seem to stay with you,even when they are long gone.
i think about all his alcoholic friends,and how some of them acted like I WAS SUCH A PARTY POOPER,lol!!!! i know who i am,and i know what is right,but it all hurts.
yours at least made an atempt at a meeting, but for me staying friends is impossible---especially once a new partner for him came along.
you came to a good place here, listen to the advice. i wish you the best........its tough.

Zoey

rook...Just wanted to say Welcome to SR. This is the greatest site, seems a bit quiet this week end.
May I say, Please hang on tight to your sobriety. Try to relax while you read and learn all you can, and going to Al-Anon is great. Try several different meetings till you find one that fits and get an Al-Anon sponser too. You do have an AA sponser?? If not, it would be good to find one.
The fact she went to a meeting is a big plus in my opinion. It takes away the fear of walking through those doors for the first time. Even if she found fault, Sometimes more sinks in than they will let on.
Along with reading I would try getting to a meeting every night. Helps us keep leveled out I believe.
We have other men on this site, have you found their posts.
Some were on the thread about childern.
Just learn all you can about not enableing her in any way. The hardest part to accept is the fact that there is nothing we can do.
Keep coming back, to just vent helps ever so much, and here we are no longer alone, this site helps keep us sane. This is so hard to deal with.
HUGS

WeakEnd

The problem is that alcoholism almost takes over an individual, it's not that she can't see the pain she's causing, she just has some strong forces at work within her. You're good for doing this, but remember that you're sacrificing a good part of yourself to her while. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing, but becareful. If deep down you don't think she's going to change no matter what you do, then you should have a talk with her and determine what's best for you. I know that's easier said than done. Please hang in there!