tobeornottobe

Hi~a bit nervous... I drink, I drink everyday. I do not miss work, or my child's school functions, I am not broke because of drinking. I sleep well...but my boyfriend (who also drinks) thinks I am an alcoholic and if I don't stop drinking I will never see him again. I don't drink to get drunk, I drink to relax. I like to have a nice glass of wine with dinner or a cocktail at a party, but it does not stop at one drink. I don't drink in the morning, I don't "crave" that, I drink when I get home from work (around 4 drinks a night). On the weekends I like to have a beer with lunch...Since my boyfriend thinks I need to stop, I decided to do some research........boy with all of the misguided information out there, no wonder people can't find the right help.
One book said I was an alcoholic, one said I wasn't. One said I could limit my drinking, one said I couldn't. That is enough to make someone want a drink. I know I need to stop drinking, I just don't want to, right now. I am afraid to stop. I don't smoke or do drugs. I never drank like this, never. Can someone limit their drinking? Can someone enjoy just a "few" drinks and call it a night??

Justme57

Well tobe, why dont you try having "just a couple" and see how you go?

ASH

Hi Tobe,
Welcome to SR its a great place to get information and support. As far as someone enjoying a few drinks, well that sure is not me because I always end up enjoying more drinks. Never could understand those one or two cocktail people, what is the point?
Only you can decide if you are an alcoholic, books and reading may be a reference but in the end its up to you. Keep reading and posting this is the place for information on this topic,
Take Care

Sugah

I have a question for you: What scares you about quitting?

As for your last question, I can only answer for me, and the answer is no - because I'm alcoholic. As for the information you found in books - ultimately, you are the one who needs to answer the question "am I alcoholic?" It's said that if you suspect you might be, you probably are. You've said that your drink with dinner doesn't stop with one - do you feel a compulsion to have more than one drink? If you come in after work and realize that there's no alcohol in the house, do you make a special trip back out? What if the weather's bad? Still worth the trip?

Like I said, you are the one to decide if alcohol is a problem for you. Yes, there's the denial factor, and probably every one of us who've decided that we are alcoholic have suffered denial at one point or another. You say you don't want to stop drinking. Then, you probably won't. Unless, of course, you're only a heavy drinker and losing your boyfriend is sufficient reason for you to quit. Sound complicated? It's because we're complicated people. Luckily, there's a simple program for complicated people like us. AA worked for me. If you go to a few meetings and listen to others share, it might help you make up your mind if you are an alcoholic. If you decide you are, all you have to do is keep coming back. Through sponsorship and the twelve steps, we do recover.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

nogard

welcome to SR tobe, I agree with justme, why not try limiting or controlling your drinking and see how you go.

In the meantime hang around and read all the stickys at the top of the forums, loads of info there. Also ask more questions.

Kevin

Midas

Welcome to SoberRecovery, tobeornottobe. Hopefully we can help provide you with some answers.

I tried controlling my drinking numerous times. I eventually stopped trying to control it. That pathway led me down into a Hell of Constant Inebriation. That's a path I don't ever want to tread again.

Maybe this excerpt will shed a little light into your darkness.

Big Book, Ch. 3 pg 30.

tobeornottobe

Thanks to all..great feedback. Can I just have a "few" maybe, maybe not. I know that I am the only one to decide. I know I am strong. I will be back

Sugah~yes, I would venture out, I have....pretty sad. What scares me, the unknown. I have been drinking like this for 8yrs. I don't know what I like anymore. I don't want to be alone at night. I love the days, I am sober and when night falls...I drink. I have many layers of skin that need to be peeled away. I have issues that need to be adressed. Another day for that, be back tomorrow

Sugah

Hang in there, sweetie. If you're taking a good long look at this, and you have even a glimmer of desire that things can be different, I'm telling you - they can. I am a long-term alcoholic/addict, and I've been clean and sober for more than three years. For seven years, I lived just like you. I raised my kids, did the PTO gig, remained fully "functional" - but my nights were ruled by alcohol. It got worse after that seven years - a lot worse. It doesn't have to get any worse for you. The decision is in your hands. If you're alcoholic, you can try to stop to keep your boyfriend, but chances are, it won't work. You've got to have the desire to improve your own life. The boyfriend and your child can be an inspiration, but you have to want it. There is another way, and you're definitely not alone.

You're in my prayers tonight.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Irish Virus

A couple of observations on your post. First, forget about not missing work or being down and out broke as justifications that you are not an alcoholic. I hardly ever missed work due to drinking or sickness just as many of us here can say the same. Alcoholics can be functional and successful at the same time.

Your boyfriend drinks as well huh? So who is he to call the kettle black? Maybe he is bringing you down with his drinking.

You drink to relax also. I did the same thing after a hard days work except it wound up taking a case of beer to eventually do the trick.

My own opinion is that you are obviously drinking too much. Everyday is not normal. You very well might be an alcoholic who can never drink again normally or you might just be hitting the sauce too much right now. If you find yourself drinking as a coping mechanism for problems (fight with BF, daughter trouble in school ect...) then you are on the path to hell.

Lay off the booze for a month. Make that your New Year's Resolution. If you can do it for a month, and not drink like a wild woman afterwards, then you probably don't have a big problem.

I pray you are not an alcoholic. But always respect the botlle. It can sneak up and get you before you know it.

Lively

Welcome to SR You should be commended for at least taking your boyfriend's concerns seriously and doing some research.

I do worry though, that if you have to ask yourself if you have a problem, then you just might have one.

If you are not a problem drinker, or an alcoholic, why would you not stop drinking or at least cut down for your boyfriend, who is concerned about what he is seeing?

I too never drank during the day. I too started out having 4 drinks a night. That's what I limited myself to. It wasn't too long (a year maybe) before I couldn't stop until I drank 10. I too had a boyfriend at that point who asked me to stop because he was scared. His mother had been an alcoholic and his eyes were wide open. I wouldn't stop even though I loved him because "I didn't want to". He ended up leaving me and I continued my downward spiral for 10 long blurry years.

Do your research and look within yourself.

2dayzmuse

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. If indeed you are an alcoholic, the above may change and your life may be greatly inhibited by alcohol if you were to continue to drink. I was a functioning alcoholic up to the point where I became a dysfunctional one. At what point did I cross that line? I haven't a clue. I fooled myself into believing I had everything under control. Before I knew it my life was in shambles and it was to late to go back. Be careful and don't let the disease fool you into thinking that you are in control.

kev

Hi there,

I am new to this forum but yes, is the answer to your questions many people can enjoy a few drinks and limit their drinking. This, in my opinion is what highlighted my problem for me. I couldn't limit or control my drinking. I simply couldn't stop after the first one whereby many people can.
I, like you didn't crave for the drink but it did have a vice like grip on me when I started.
I would like to echo the advice from other members, lay off the booze for a while see how you get on.
Only you can decide if you believe your drinking is getting out of hand. You seem to believe that it is. This acceptance is part of addressing the problem.
Take care; there are lots of us here. Kev

CarolD

Hi and Welcome!

Good to see you are looking for answers.

From my files...
The US based NADAA (National Association of Drug and Alcohol Abuse) defines moderate consumption of alcohol as one drink daily for women and two for men

One drink is defined as a glass of wine, 8 ounces
A cocktail consisting of 1 1/2 ounces of liquor
Or one 12 ounce bottle of beer.


Keep in touch....Blessings

clevemcs

I drank everyday too at 5pm. I never missed work. I did my job. But my life was unmanageable because of alcohol. At 5pm i had to have that drink and did not stop until I passed out everynight. I had to admit to myself that I was powerless over alcohol. I could not quit. I tried and tried. I am grateful that one day I made a decision. A half gallon of Scotch was just too much every night. December 10 will be four years of sober living. For that I am most grateful.

Zimmer

Hi Tobe

I am also a 'evening drinker'. I just couldn't control it, instead of 1 or 2, I would end up 4 or 5. I have already left a legacy of a person who drinks to much with my children. I'm trying to set the right example now of a person who can recognise, and correct a problem situation. The folks on this site are really nice, they really help.

I have been sober for, I think 12 days.

Give your little girl a hug.

Little Missy

((Tobe)) Congratulations on looking into if you have a problem. Many of us probably wish we had seen it sooner!! Like others have said, you don't have to lose everything before you stop drinking. If drinking causes problems in your life, (no matter how small) then drinking is a problem.

I stopped drinking (with out a recovery program) for a year. I was proving to others that I didn't have a problem. Didn't even consider myself an alcoholic. Picked up a drink after that year and away I went. Drinking more then ever. Yep, alcoholism is a progressive disease. It keeps going even when we don't drink!!

I never had the desire to just drink ONE!! I always was trying to limit my drinking. Just look back at your drinking life and see what you have done. Have you been trying to control your drinking this whole time?

BTW, my husband is not an alcoholic. The thought of never drinking again doesn't bother him one bit. He doesn't feel the NEED to drink. If you are scared that you can never drink again, (like I was) then not drinking ever again will be the best thing that ever happened to you!!

Hope you find what you are looking for!! You are not alone!!
Hugs,
Missy

Dawn10

Hi and welcome to SR,
Just a few observations and then an opinion or two.

First, what is there in your behavior that has prompted your boyfriend to say you have an alcohol problem? Most people who have no problem send up no red flags to their loved ones.
For me one is too many and a thousand is never enough.

In my opinion, no you can't have just a few drinks and control it. Who is to say what a few is? As we drink and use our tolerance builds up over time. Our judgement is impaired and I couldn't trust myself to know the limit.

If you think you might have a problem, you probably do.

tobeornottobe

Dawn10

First, I lived in Venice for 10yrs, miss it terribly....anyway, my boyfriend was caught in a lie, a lie that he said he stopped doing. So, since he was caught, now I am an alcoholic and I need to get help or he is staying away. Whenever he is put up against a wall, that is his shield....I am starting to believe that he is talking me into being an alcoholic. Yes I drink too much, yes I need to stop or cut down. As Irish Virus says, who is he to call the kettle black. He too is just as bad!! Putting the blame I know, but we have done this together for 8yrs. A bit upset that I am being singled out by him

Dawn10

tobeornottobe,
It is a small world., because before moving to Venice 7 years ago, I grew up and lived in Indiana! Fort Wayne to be exact.
It is hard to come to the realization that we have a substance abuse problem. Whatever your boyfriend's situation is doesn't make a bit of difference in what is going on in your life. Whether he lied or stretched truth or whatever, it still doesn't make a bit of difference. If you are drinking oto much, you have a problem. Only you know that. And all I can tell you from my experience is that I knew deep down for YEARS that I was an addict before I sought help. It took a major rock bottom episode for it to finally click. I hope and pray that it won't come to that for you.
Dawn

igfan

tobeornottobe,

I must say, your story sounds very familiar (even to this day). I too don't miss work, don't miss kids functions, am not broke because of it. I have not had any DUI's etc. I'm not really sure I want to quit, I still question whether I am an alocholic or not. I have read all the books and have the same results as you. Sometimes I'm sure of it, other times I'm not. I have tried to limit my intake and 9 times out of 10, it doesn't work. That right there is my biggest clue, but doesn't seem to deter me. My biggest problem is that my husband drinks just like me and that's basically what we do for fun. I sometimes wish I had someone in my life that would tell me "quit or I'm out of here". I know that I have to quit for myself, but don't really have a reason to yet. Anyway, I just keep coming back here and reading stories like yours and maybe someday it will become very clear to me. Keep Coming!