Need a little help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 5
Need a little help
Hi,
I am new to this site. I've come on here a few times off and on but never joined till now. I recently left my boyfriend of 5 years due to alcohol and i'm a mess. My ex-bf is a bartender and has a severe drinking problem. I've been trying to figure out how bad it really is for years but I'm sure he must be an alcoholic. When he was with me or his family, he could control his drinking but if he was with fellow bartenders or co-workers he would drink all night, pass out somewhere and not come home. It would be about 2 times a week on average. I kept thinking he couldn't be an alcoholic if he could control his drinking with me and his family.
We've been living together for 4 years and are still pretty young which is why I know leaving him is the right idea. I don't want him to ruin the rest of my life. I've tried everything to get him to control his drinking or give up the friends that he's with when it happens. He always promises to do it but just can't. He ends up having a drink after bartending and that turns into ten drinks.
I could go on forever but I'm sure you all don't care that much
. Anyway, we still love each other deeply but I can't live this life anymore. I need to find a way to get through this because I love him so much and am so worried that now that I am gone there will be no one to take care of him. Does anyone know of any good books to read about leaving an alcoholic? I can't seem to find any. Any advice would really help. I still live with him because I am trying to sublease our apt. and find a new one. I keep just wanting to give in and go back because the pain I'm feeling is almost unbearable but I know I can't because I just can't help him anymore. I've tried as hard as I could.
I don't know anyone that's been through this or where to turn so I appreciate anyone who is willing to give me some advice.
Sorry for the novel
I am new to this site. I've come on here a few times off and on but never joined till now. I recently left my boyfriend of 5 years due to alcohol and i'm a mess. My ex-bf is a bartender and has a severe drinking problem. I've been trying to figure out how bad it really is for years but I'm sure he must be an alcoholic. When he was with me or his family, he could control his drinking but if he was with fellow bartenders or co-workers he would drink all night, pass out somewhere and not come home. It would be about 2 times a week on average. I kept thinking he couldn't be an alcoholic if he could control his drinking with me and his family.
We've been living together for 4 years and are still pretty young which is why I know leaving him is the right idea. I don't want him to ruin the rest of my life. I've tried everything to get him to control his drinking or give up the friends that he's with when it happens. He always promises to do it but just can't. He ends up having a drink after bartending and that turns into ten drinks.
I could go on forever but I'm sure you all don't care that much
. Anyway, we still love each other deeply but I can't live this life anymore. I need to find a way to get through this because I love him so much and am so worried that now that I am gone there will be no one to take care of him. Does anyone know of any good books to read about leaving an alcoholic? I can't seem to find any. Any advice would really help. I still live with him because I am trying to sublease our apt. and find a new one. I keep just wanting to give in and go back because the pain I'm feeling is almost unbearable but I know I can't because I just can't help him anymore. I've tried as hard as I could.I don't know anyone that's been through this or where to turn so I appreciate anyone who is willing to give me some advice.
Sorry for the novel
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Hello K -
Don't be sorry - you are feeling the pain of living with an alcoholic. We understand that pain. You will find comfort and support here. You are reaching out for help, and that is a really positive step.
Instead of a book on leaving an alcoholic, I would suggest a book like "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty. It is an amazing book that will help you in many ways. Sometimes people leave one alcoholic only to end up with another.
I would also suggest Al-anon meetings. I go to as many as three a week. There are peope there who know first hand the chaos of living with an alcoholic, and they have found peace of mind and serenity. In Al-anon, they often suggest that you not leave the alcoholic until you are stronger in your own recovery, and many people find that to be good advice.
Love
Robin
Don't be sorry - you are feeling the pain of living with an alcoholic. We understand that pain. You will find comfort and support here. You are reaching out for help, and that is a really positive step.
Instead of a book on leaving an alcoholic, I would suggest a book like "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty. It is an amazing book that will help you in many ways. Sometimes people leave one alcoholic only to end up with another.
I would also suggest Al-anon meetings. I go to as many as three a week. There are peope there who know first hand the chaos of living with an alcoholic, and they have found peace of mind and serenity. In Al-anon, they often suggest that you not leave the alcoholic until you are stronger in your own recovery, and many people find that to be good advice.
Love
Robin
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
K ~
first of all - ***** hugs *****
I'm gonna go out a a limb and say that just about all of us here can relate to and understand your 'story' -
My story may be different than yours, but oh! do I ever relate to what you're going thru. 18 months ago, I left my alcoholic husband (AH) of 12 yrs because I just didn't want to live like that any more. But I did still love him and omg, it hurt.
You are NOT alone! You have come to the right place!
If it helps you to vent, by all means, write us a novel!!! It's totally ok to do that here! You won't bore us or anything like that. Promise!
As far as a book to help? The best one *I* can think of is called "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew It's an older book, but I think it's still in bookstores - or the library. The title is mis-leading. It's about 'Getting Yourself SANE'.
The absolute bestest thing I can recommend is to check out the Al-non meetings in your area. This forum is based on Al-non principles. I think I was on this forum 24/7 when "The Crisis" hit. With encouragement (+ some prodding) I decided to also check out f2f mtgs - they're nothing short of wonderful.
Hang out here with us. I never thought ANYONE would understand ME, the way the people on this forum (+ in Al-anon) do. We understand because we've been there - or darned close to it.
Hang in there 'K'!! You're not alone and we care. *I* care!
Blessings,
Blue
first of all - ***** hugs *****
I'm gonna go out a a limb and say that just about all of us here can relate to and understand your 'story' -
My story may be different than yours, but oh! do I ever relate to what you're going thru. 18 months ago, I left my alcoholic husband (AH) of 12 yrs because I just didn't want to live like that any more. But I did still love him and omg, it hurt.
You are NOT alone! You have come to the right place!
If it helps you to vent, by all means, write us a novel!!! It's totally ok to do that here! You won't bore us or anything like that. Promise!
As far as a book to help? The best one *I* can think of is called "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew It's an older book, but I think it's still in bookstores - or the library. The title is mis-leading. It's about 'Getting Yourself SANE'.
The absolute bestest thing I can recommend is to check out the Al-non meetings in your area. This forum is based on Al-non principles. I think I was on this forum 24/7 when "The Crisis" hit. With encouragement (+ some prodding) I decided to also check out f2f mtgs - they're nothing short of wonderful.
Hang out here with us. I never thought ANYONE would understand ME, the way the people on this forum (+ in Al-anon) do. We understand because we've been there - or darned close to it.
Hang in there 'K'!! You're not alone and we care. *I* care!
Blessings,
Blue
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
We;come...
I suggest you get info on the disease of alcoholism.
"Under The Influence" and it's sequal "Beyond The Influence"
are carried by Amazon.
Gee...I think you are wise to move on!
I suggest you get info on the disease of alcoholism.
"Under The Influence" and it's sequal "Beyond The Influence"
are carried by Amazon.
Gee...I think you are wise to move on!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 5
Thank you all so much for your replies. It made me cry just to see how much there are other people who can understand what I am going through and really care that I am going through it too. The days are so hard and long and sometimes it just doesn't seem like I can make it without him and all I want to do is go back. I think it's so true that for so long I've been worried about his welfare that I forgot about my own needs. In fact I just got off the phone with his brother asking him to promise me that he'll take care of him when I'm gone. Like I said we still live together so he really doesn't feel like he's lost me yet.
I know the worst is yet to come and on the day I move out my world will be worse than it is today which seems impossible. I will definintely take your advice and use this board for support. I need something to get through this and having friends that truly understand my pain is all that I can ask for right now.
Thank you
I know the worst is yet to come and on the day I move out my world will be worse than it is today which seems impossible. I will definintely take your advice and use this board for support. I need something to get through this and having friends that truly understand my pain is all that I can ask for right now.
Thank you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Idget
No one can guarantee what the future may hold, but if you don't mind, here's some food for thought based on the above quote...
You 'fear' the worst is yet to come on the day you move out....
Your world 'might feel worse' than it is today.....
Not knowing all of your circumstances, it's hard to know why you might feel the way you do. Maybe to help your fears, you could write a list of pros and cons for staying, and pros and cons for leaving. Sometimes seeing it in writing can help us allievate some of the fear, or at least understand it better. It's worth a try!
Keep coming back. Venting/sharing helps!
You 'fear' the worst is yet to come on the day you move out....
Your world 'might feel worse' than it is today.....
Not knowing all of your circumstances, it's hard to know why you might feel the way you do. Maybe to help your fears, you could write a list of pros and cons for staying, and pros and cons for leaving. Sometimes seeing it in writing can help us allievate some of the fear, or at least understand it better. It's worth a try!
Keep coming back. Venting/sharing helps!
Thanks for all your words of wisdom. I really do feel better when I come on here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
welcome KMH - folks above have given some good suggestions - al-anon, books. it's very tough to come to grips with the fact that we cannot control another human being - it took me a long time to finally accept that. i was married for 15yrs to my alcoholic husband and the disease is progressive - it DOESN'T get better. you must take care of yourself. keep posting - we are all here to help each other and of course, give lots of cybr hugs when needed!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... you found just the right place and we are glad you have found us!
I know it hurts, last year at this time I went through something much the same. The difference is mine stoped drinking but turned his obsession to AA and other women. I remember the times of sitting up till 3:00am worried to death, the tears and all the hurt and pain so well.
There are things you should know though..... You did not cause it, you can not cure it and you can not control it. That is his crosses to bear and if he does not want to get help for himself there is NO power on this earth that will change that. I have heard many A's say that when people stopped enabling them is when they hit their "rock bottom" and finally came into the realizations of their problems.
The only thing you can do is take the focus off him and put it right back where it belongs .... on YOU. I spent SO many years taking care of everyones issues except my own that when I started working my recovery I was shocked to realize how selfish I was being by not taking care of me.
Keep coming back and reading.... we are all pulling for you!
I know it hurts, last year at this time I went through something much the same. The difference is mine stoped drinking but turned his obsession to AA and other women. I remember the times of sitting up till 3:00am worried to death, the tears and all the hurt and pain so well.
There are things you should know though..... You did not cause it, you can not cure it and you can not control it. That is his crosses to bear and if he does not want to get help for himself there is NO power on this earth that will change that. I have heard many A's say that when people stopped enabling them is when they hit their "rock bottom" and finally came into the realizations of their problems.
The only thing you can do is take the focus off him and put it right back where it belongs .... on YOU. I spent SO many years taking care of everyones issues except my own that when I started working my recovery I was shocked to realize how selfish I was being by not taking care of me.
Keep coming back and reading.... we are all pulling for you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by BlueMoon
As far as a book to help? The best one *I* can think of is called "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew It's an older book, but I think it's still in bookstores - or the library. The title is mis-leading. It's about 'Getting Yourself SANE'.
GREAT book(s)......You can order them online at http://www.GettingThemSober.com.
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