This Is Tricky
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: London
Posts: 1,229
This Is Tricky
Help, this is starting to drive me mad. I am an addict myself, but I have never had to “deal” with anyone who is an addict – if you catch my drift. Many of my mates were addicts, but when I was using its no wonder we got on so well! But now I have a few years sobriety on my belt, I am feeling fairly normal and really have no interest in hanging around with addicts who use. So here is the deal. And its very sad:
In our office there is three of us in a small room. My boss is a close friend and we get on fine but, however, there is the third member who I believe is a chronic alcoholic. If alcoholism was marked on a measure, meaning 1 early stage alcoholism and 10 death, I would say she is around the 6 Mark. So quite severe. Here is some of her behaviours:
Constant neediness, looking for friendship with EVERYONE. In a really suffocating way she will take unwilling people hostage.
Her social etiquette is disintegrating – for example, despite saying no every time, she will ask everyone in the office for tea about 6 times a day. My boss snapped at her.
Its as if she is constantly demanding validation.
Actually, its hard to explain. It saddens me, it really does. But I do not want to say to her: I think you are alcoholic. She knows that I don’t drink, so the options there for her to ask me about it. Our office is tense, miserable, and dysfunctioning because of her alcoholism and I am finding it hard to cope!!! People are starting to talk behind her back. Is there any useful articles, slogans, or insights that can help me protect my boundaries without hurting her? I am not really into Alanon, but if anyone knows of some real basics for dealing with alcoholics in life then please let me know! I cannot hate her, because I understand her behaviour, but again I really want to keep my sanity whilst there is some much alcoholic tension in the office…
Its not a major, its just horrible. I am compassionate – in that I will always be friendly, but I feel that she is watching me constantly and I feel a sickly kind of pressure.
I know I am not the victim here, and if it gets worse I can always change jobs. Whilst she will be stuck with the bottle. I feel for her deeply.
In our office there is three of us in a small room. My boss is a close friend and we get on fine but, however, there is the third member who I believe is a chronic alcoholic. If alcoholism was marked on a measure, meaning 1 early stage alcoholism and 10 death, I would say she is around the 6 Mark. So quite severe. Here is some of her behaviours:
Constant neediness, looking for friendship with EVERYONE. In a really suffocating way she will take unwilling people hostage.
Her social etiquette is disintegrating – for example, despite saying no every time, she will ask everyone in the office for tea about 6 times a day. My boss snapped at her.
Its as if she is constantly demanding validation.
Actually, its hard to explain. It saddens me, it really does. But I do not want to say to her: I think you are alcoholic. She knows that I don’t drink, so the options there for her to ask me about it. Our office is tense, miserable, and dysfunctioning because of her alcoholism and I am finding it hard to cope!!! People are starting to talk behind her back. Is there any useful articles, slogans, or insights that can help me protect my boundaries without hurting her? I am not really into Alanon, but if anyone knows of some real basics for dealing with alcoholics in life then please let me know! I cannot hate her, because I understand her behaviour, but again I really want to keep my sanity whilst there is some much alcoholic tension in the office…
Its not a major, its just horrible. I am compassionate – in that I will always be friendly, but I feel that she is watching me constantly and I feel a sickly kind of pressure.
I know I am not the victim here, and if it gets worse I can always change jobs. Whilst she will be stuck with the bottle. I feel for her deeply.
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
hello Five -
I am not an alcoholic myself, but I understand that alcoholics do "twelve step" work, where they reach out to other alcoholics in need. Could you perhaps talk to your sponsor for advice, or maybe some you or some AA people can take her to a meeting? It sounds like she would really appreciate some friendship, and I know that alcoholics find amazing fellowship in the program.
Another alternative is to anonymously leave some AA literature lying around, with the phone numbers of some AA people who would be able to reach out to her. It really sounds like she is deeply hurting, and in need. Your higher power has placed you in the position of being able to help another alcoholic.
Finally, it sounds like a few Al-anon meetings might help you. I know a lot of Al-anon people who are also recovering alcoholics, and they all say that Al-anon brings a deeper, richer perspective to their recovery.
Does your business have an employee assistance program? if so, that could help her reach out for help. Sometimes alcoholics are afraid to go for treatment becuase they don't want to lose their jobs.
Let us know how things go, OK?
Robin
I am not an alcoholic myself, but I understand that alcoholics do "twelve step" work, where they reach out to other alcoholics in need. Could you perhaps talk to your sponsor for advice, or maybe some you or some AA people can take her to a meeting? It sounds like she would really appreciate some friendship, and I know that alcoholics find amazing fellowship in the program.
Another alternative is to anonymously leave some AA literature lying around, with the phone numbers of some AA people who would be able to reach out to her. It really sounds like she is deeply hurting, and in need. Your higher power has placed you in the position of being able to help another alcoholic.
Finally, it sounds like a few Al-anon meetings might help you. I know a lot of Al-anon people who are also recovering alcoholics, and they all say that Al-anon brings a deeper, richer perspective to their recovery.
Does your business have an employee assistance program? if so, that could help her reach out for help. Sometimes alcoholics are afraid to go for treatment becuase they don't want to lose their jobs.
Let us know how things go, OK?
Robin
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: London
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Thanks Robin, but as I said I am more of the when the "student is ready..." type.
I have been but do not attend AA anymore, but I was wondering if there was some kind of cliches that are really helpful in dealing with those who are suffering? That: can't control it, didnt cause it, can't change it one is priceless. Any more?
I have been but do not attend AA anymore, but I was wondering if there was some kind of cliches that are really helpful in dealing with those who are suffering? That: can't control it, didnt cause it, can't change it one is priceless. Any more?
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Join Date: May 2004
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Five
This is a really hard situation. I have found that setting and maintaining boundaries is the most useful tool we have. The neediness aspect is extremely frustrating and I am constantly amazed how these people have such thick-skins. You don't have to explain to me about how hard it is dealing with someone who is constantly craving validation - emotional vampirism I call it.
For example, on the tea thing - I would say "I'll make my own, so please don't ask me again." If she asks again, just repeat it. Just remember - often the behaviour gets worse when you first set boundaries, but persevere and the message gets through eventually.
I also had to make it very clear that I was not interested in having a "personal" relationship, merely a business one. Therefore, I would only talk about work issues and would rebutt any other overtures. (I'm not talking romantic issues here.) It feels crappy, but we have to protect ourselves.
It's an effort, Five, and one where the only payoff is to get things on more of an even keel. I have found it to be emotionally exhausting when you have to defend boundaries all the time.
My ex is exactly as you describe and I can base my comments on the working "relationship" we have had over the past year as I have run a business with him. Personally, in future, I will try setting boundaries for a period of time and if they have no effect, I would talk to the boss and give a "them or me" ultimatum - making sure I had another job to go to, of course.
If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.
This is a really hard situation. I have found that setting and maintaining boundaries is the most useful tool we have. The neediness aspect is extremely frustrating and I am constantly amazed how these people have such thick-skins. You don't have to explain to me about how hard it is dealing with someone who is constantly craving validation - emotional vampirism I call it.
For example, on the tea thing - I would say "I'll make my own, so please don't ask me again." If she asks again, just repeat it. Just remember - often the behaviour gets worse when you first set boundaries, but persevere and the message gets through eventually.
I also had to make it very clear that I was not interested in having a "personal" relationship, merely a business one. Therefore, I would only talk about work issues and would rebutt any other overtures. (I'm not talking romantic issues here.) It feels crappy, but we have to protect ourselves.
It's an effort, Five, and one where the only payoff is to get things on more of an even keel. I have found it to be emotionally exhausting when you have to defend boundaries all the time.
My ex is exactly as you describe and I can base my comments on the working "relationship" we have had over the past year as I have run a business with him. Personally, in future, I will try setting boundaries for a period of time and if they have no effect, I would talk to the boss and give a "them or me" ultimatum - making sure I had another job to go to, of course.
If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.
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Join Date: Oct 2005
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Originally Posted by minnie
Five
This is a really hard situation. I have found that setting and maintaining boundaries is the most useful tool we have. The neediness aspect is extremely frustrating and I am constantly amazed how these people have such thick-skins. You don't have to explain to me about how hard it is dealing with someone who is constantly craving validation - emotional vampirism I call it.
For example, on the tea thing - I would say "I'll make my own, so please don't ask me again." If she asks again, just repeat it. Just remember - often the behaviour gets worse when you first set boundaries, but persevere and the message gets through eventually.
I also had to make it very clear that I was not interested in having a "personal" relationship, merely a business one. Therefore, I would only talk about work issues and would rebutt any other overtures. (I'm not talking romantic issues here.) It feels crappy, but we have to protect ourselves.
It's an effort, Five, and one where the only payoff is to get things on more of an even keel. I have found it to be emotionally exhausting when you have to defend boundaries all the time.
My ex is exactly as you describe and I can base my comments on the working "relationship" we have had over the past year as I have run a business with him. Personally, in future, I will try setting boundaries for a period of time and if they have no effect, I would talk to the boss and give a "them or me" ultimatum - making sure I had another job to go to, of course.
If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.
This is a really hard situation. I have found that setting and maintaining boundaries is the most useful tool we have. The neediness aspect is extremely frustrating and I am constantly amazed how these people have such thick-skins. You don't have to explain to me about how hard it is dealing with someone who is constantly craving validation - emotional vampirism I call it.
For example, on the tea thing - I would say "I'll make my own, so please don't ask me again." If she asks again, just repeat it. Just remember - often the behaviour gets worse when you first set boundaries, but persevere and the message gets through eventually.
I also had to make it very clear that I was not interested in having a "personal" relationship, merely a business one. Therefore, I would only talk about work issues and would rebutt any other overtures. (I'm not talking romantic issues here.) It feels crappy, but we have to protect ourselves.
It's an effort, Five, and one where the only payoff is to get things on more of an even keel. I have found it to be emotionally exhausting when you have to defend boundaries all the time.
My ex is exactly as you describe and I can base my comments on the working "relationship" we have had over the past year as I have run a business with him. Personally, in future, I will try setting boundaries for a period of time and if they have no effect, I would talk to the boss and give a "them or me" ultimatum - making sure I had another job to go to, of course.
If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.
thanks mate.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
How about a sign on your desk that says, "What part of "No" do you not understand".?? (smile)
I really feel for her, does she not have family.??
How about going to tea or lunch with her and draw her out.
If she is watching you, maybe deep down she wants you to take her by the hand and take her to a meeting. (Wild thought huh?) You know her best.
I do hope you can find a solution.
I really feel for her, does she not have family.??
How about going to tea or lunch with her and draw her out.
If she is watching you, maybe deep down she wants you to take her by the hand and take her to a meeting. (Wild thought huh?) You know her best.
I do hope you can find a solution.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
She may be watching you because she senses that you'll understand her pain. The only way to help her is to wait for her to ask you for help. Anything you do before she's ready for help will be a waste of your time and will only serve to frustrate you further.
When her life becomes unbearable due to her alcoholism, she'll approach the closest person to her who she thinks will understand, and that will likely be you.
Then you can offer to escort her to her first AA meeting and provide her with the same tools that helped you reach sobriety. And of course, you could always pray that she's finds a path to sobriety.
When her life becomes unbearable due to her alcoholism, she'll approach the closest person to her who she thinks will understand, and that will likely be you.
Then you can offer to escort her to her first AA meeting and provide her with the same tools that helped you reach sobriety. And of course, you could always pray that she's finds a path to sobriety.
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
IMHO - NOT your resposibilty to try to fix/help her. Doubtful she'd appreciate it.
Her behaviors CAN be explained by things OTHER than alcohol/drugs - a mental health issue for one.
Suggest talking very frankly with your boss if her behaviors are affecting your work-day to the point where you can envision leaving the job for another.
Blue
Her behaviors CAN be explained by things OTHER than alcohol/drugs - a mental health issue for one.
Suggest talking very frankly with your boss if her behaviors are affecting your work-day to the point where you can envision leaving the job for another.
Blue
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