freckled

I am extremely depressed. I want to go back to meetings but I am angry at the structure of AA. All I want in life is to be able to be confident, assertive, and self expressive without being told there is something wrong with me. When I was in AA a few years ago, I had about a year and a half sober before I relapsed. And the whole time in those meetings, I felt so out of place. I felt spiritual and happy to myself - but I felt I couldn't share it with anyone because nobody understood that I am different - even among people who are supposed to be different. People all around me are phonies - and I can't take it anymore. See, I am an artist, I am highly progressive socially and politically, and I abhor anything mainstream such as our current media system. I HATE the patriarchy of this world. I am a feminist. I do not fit in ANYWHERE. And right now, more than anything I need someone to talk to. I have been crying all night, I am so depressed. I don't believe in chemicals (aka medication for depression), and I don't even smoke cigarettes. I am trying to find a good therapist in my area - but I recently moved here and I'm not having any luck finding a good therapist. I believe in wholistic wellness - that is, everything natural. But good luck trying to tell me that there are others like me in AA. From my experience AA has been full of a bunch of low lives that threaten to kick my ass (serioulsy, a girl last week threatened to beat me up for no reason) To me, thats low life behavior. I didn't get sober to have to deal with low lives. I was raised with way more class and manners than that. I wasn't raised on the street. In the city I live in now, the meetings are full of people who were raised on the street. I can't take it anymore -I feel as if there is no place for me and it is really hurting inside. please help.

Sugah

AA is a place we go to find others with similarities to learn how they solved our common problem. It is not a place to showcase our uniqueness. Honesty (I have a problem), Open-mindedness (I'll not judge as I listen to you), and Willingness (I'll try what worked for you) are the cornerstones. They're indispensible, and, IMHO, pretty progressive.

Keep sharing.

Peace & Love,
Sug

*smiles*

Well said Sugah!!

I know for myself that as long as I have been in and out of recovery that for the first time I am coming to realize why A.A. is so important. And at times it definatley tests my comfort zone. Although A.A. tells me that is growth. I have learnt that the more willing and open I am to the suggestions to A.A. the more I am growing. When I humble myself to listen and then use my willingness to go to any length to stay sober. I find myself not only staying sober but becoming "happy". I am still struggling because of all that did not deal with while using. By going to A.A., reading the BB and Living Sober, finding and talking to a sponsor that is helping to get through these things and as I do I can feel growth. I can now not only cry but laugh a lot. I was so depressed this last relapse and actually the one before I felt hopeless. Today I am learning what serinity means and it is only because of A.A.
I still feel uncomfortable often in meetings but it is because of me and my thoughts not that others don't reach out and give me support.

I am not sure what is going on in the meetings you attend that cause you to feel this way. Is there a certain reason you feel they are phonies? Why do you feel you are diffrent from them? Is there more than 1 meeting available close to where you are? Maybe a diffent meeting would help?

freckled

well, for one -to answer your question Smiles, there are people like Sugah inthe meetings i go to - people who seem to think that we need not be individuals and shine our light, our uniqueness. This kind of belief is laden with patriarchal undertones that hinder womens rights and evolution, and foster opression. first off, i dont feel the need to showcase my uniqueness- I AM UNIQUE - PERIOD. That is a fact, I have been this way my whole life and i am proud of it. now that i have that said, the point i was trying to make is that i don't want to HIDE my uniqueness anymore, and i feel that at meetings it is very difficult to be myself without judgement. i listen to people with an open heart and ears, and i dont judge - why cant people do the same for me? thx

*smiles*

Unfortanutley not everyone respects our uniqeness. I also feel that the more we allow others to see our uniqeness that we will find that there are people who love us just the way we are... Yes in A.A. too.. What Sugah is saying is that when we go to A.A. we are saying even though we are diffrent we share a common problem and that is addiction. I personally have seen all walks off life at A.A. I don't see them trying to be the same. We just share one common problem. The one that made my life unmanagable and I did not know how to make better on my own.

Are there more than one A.A. meeting where you are? I have found that going to "Women's meetings" where I live really helps me. I feel a sense of comfort in them that I don't feel with men and women. And I have found that some meetings where I live don't feel right but others feel more comfortable. Maybe there is a diffrent one you could go to.

freckled

thank you smiles. there are tons of meetings where i live, and you are absolutely correct - i should try other ones. honestly, i am afraid. i'm embarassed that a girl threatend to beat me up. she was really ghetto and i feel ashamed for being afraid of her. i wish i knew how to fight so that i wouldn feel so ashamed, but i dont. i just wasnt raised that way. ao, i am afraid of running into her. i dont even know her. i just met her at - ironically enough- a womens meeting. i went to a womens meeting thinking it would feel safer to me. at the end of the meeting she and some other women were introducing themselves to me. i was nervous at my first meeting back, and it seemed so overwhelming to have all these people talk to me. she was aggressive and kept cutting in and asking me questions and i felt like i was going to faint. she kept making jokes about me, and how nervous i was, and it made me very uncomfortable. finally, very maturely i said to her "i feel like your trying to get a reaction out of me and i honestly dont have one to give" and she got mad and said - "whatever - dont go near me or i'll kick your ass". this is the curse of the sensitive , naive artist like me - i should have seen it coming, i should have just left the meeting after it ended. but i stayed because i wanted to be openminded. and look what happened. i did nothing wrong in that matter. and believe me - i hate dishonesty so much that when i hurt someone, say something mean, etc - I KNOW IT, AND I ADMIT IT. But in that case - i did nothing wrong. i didnt curse, scream, get angry, etc. i simply told her i felt uncomfortable. i DID NOT DESERVE TO GET THREATENED. I am not a victim anymore, and therefore when i am threatened it triggers hurt in me that i am trying so hard to over come. anyway you look at it, this situation was f@#*ed up. however, smiles, you have been very generous to share your feedback with me and for that i greatly appreciate you. thank you, and i will honestly take your advice into consideration. i hope you give me more feedback as well. thx.

*smiles*

Wow Freckled that was awful. Sounds to me like this girl you are talking about isn't in recovery. We do have to remember everyone at A.A. might not always be there for the right reasons. Most of the people and most of the time I find they are there for the same reason we are but there are those that are not. That experience doesn't sound like it was very pleasant. And I too are like you I was not raised to fight. I would have been afraid also.

*smiles*

BTW I am glad to hear you have other meetings to go to. Personally where I live there are 3 meetings a week that's it. In another town there is one A.A. hall and they have meetings 3 times a day. It makes it hard at times. So when I relapsed I dropped everything and came to stay with my friend 3 hours away. She lives in a very large metro area and since I have been able to go to various meetings. It has saved my butt and done wonders for my recovery...

freckled

thank you for understanding smiles. i want to go to meetings so bad and get the help i need. i dont know anyone in this town. i am afraid to walk into meetings alone- afraid that i might see her. i dont know how to deal with angry violent people. i almost want to buy a gun and feel safe, but i know thats not the answer, and i dont believe in guns anyway. i feel scared, smiles, scared to go to a meeting and hold my head up without shame. i have been crying for a while about this.

*smiles*

Something I had to do tonight since I am staying with my friend. Was during A.A. when I shared I asked for a temporary sponsor. After the meeting 4 diffrent women gave me their phone #. It was soooo hard to even say something but well worth it. I am wondering if you had a temp sponsor someone who would go with you to meetings if that might help. I know how hard it is to ask. But the way I see it, it's my life I am messing with.

See my friend I am staying with is in recovery too. She tells me tonight that she isn't going to give me rides to the meeting very often because she wants me to reach out to others in the program. Although I feel thats my decision. I don't have a car here with me and so I am looking to others in the program for help because I am more afraid of using again than of approaching others. Make sense?

freckled

yes , it does make sense. thanks. i dont have a sponsor, or a temp sponsor either. i am also afraid to do that- to ask out loud for one. i'm afraid of no one coming to me after asking for one. but that probably won't happen. people in AA are willing to help for the most part,as you have helped me.

*smiles*

If it makes you feel better after I asked I started crying. It was that hard for me to ask..

(((((freckled))))

*smiles*

Okay that might not have sounded right... hmmm I didn't mean that in a bad way just that I understand your fear. I felt so much better after asking though.. And one lady offered to take me to at least 3 of the meetings there a week. She said it wasn't out of her way at all. In fact she is also retired so she said she would be available often for me to call her. :-)

freckled

i know, i hear ya. i might start crying too! (((((((((smiles)))))))))

freckled

wow- thats awesome smiles. imglad you met someone to help you.

*smiles*

Thanks!! I have really enjoyed talking to you also tonight. Thanks!!!! ;-)

freckled

me too : )

Five

Hello Freckled.

Here is a list of alternatives to AA, all are popular. Women for sobriety, I think, incorporates a programme tailored to womens needs. Hope it helps:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nfo-76726.html

historyteach

Freckled, I think that's what all of us want.

Welcome to SR! You've come to a place where you can be heard and understood. Where you will get support.

I know when I'm not confident; when I'm a little scared about new people, places and things, sometimes, I can come off a bit strong. Did you get any numbers at the meeting you attended? Perhaps you can call one of them and meet before the meeting, so you can walk in together. That may ease some of your fears. And please remember, don't judge all people in AA by that one person. We don't know what fears she may be harboring. Remember, we are all unique.

Shalom!

Five

Remember the alternatives are at thread 1 of the post...