grlwithasecret

Hello Everyone,

OK I'm new to this but I figure maybe some one can help me. My boyfriend is 21 years old and smokes pot everyday and has for the past almost 3 years. I feel guilty because I'm the one who introduced him to it. He has told me he wants to stop but I don't know how to help him. He doesn't have a job and hasn't had one for about 3 months or so, and has not kept a job the whole time we have been dating for longer than 6 months. All he does is sleep and smoke. It's really bad cause we (yes I do too) lie about him working, everyone thinks he has a job. We have a 6 month old daughter and I don't want him smoking anymore. I cannot afford to pay all the bills by myself and buy everything our baby needs too. When he runs out he tries to go sober but the cravings always get the best of him. And I can't stand to be around him when the cravings start cause he gets to be a real jerk. Anyone have any ideas of what we can do? We don't have any money to spare so paying for rehab isn't in our means right now. Any advise would be helpful.

Sincerely,

grlwithasecret

*smiles*

Would he be willing to go to A.A. or N.A.? It doesn't cost anything. Also from my experience being and alcoholic. And being married to one for 8 years in my past marriage, lying for him won't help. Until he is accountable for his actions he won't quit.

FitnessBuff

He IS accountable for his actions. He has an addictive personality. Do you still smoke pot? If so, perhaps you should consider quitting it yourself, especially with a baby in the house. He will only quit when he is ready. Unfortunately, you can tell him until you are blue in the face, to quit, and he won't do it if he doesn't want to. My sister is an alcoholic. We had to take her to the ER four times within a seven week period. About two months later, she got arrested for DUI. She lost her license for 90 days and is court ordered to go to counseling. She blames us for her problems and also why she drinks. Does your boyfriend do that to you? If so, it's the disease talking. I know I'm probably rambling. Have you talked to him about his addiction?

Don't give up and stay strong...Remember one day at a time.

jbm125

Hi grl....maybe you can quit together. If you can agree you can set a goal. Let's quit for 1 week and support each other in quitting. If you can go a week the make it a month. If you can make ita month the terrible cravings will at the least slow way down. If you can get him (and yourself) to do this go to NA/AA meetings for support.
Get spomsors and tell them what you're trying to do.
If he won't agree do it yourself...for yourself and your daughter. Your daughter is the victim here and if you don't think it's affecting her you're wrong. If either of you get busted you'll lose her. It's abusive for her to live in a home where people are smoking pot. It's abusive to her and illegal for the two of you.
He probably has no job cuz pot robs you of any ambition. All you want to do is sit around getting high. To fill the void he or you or both should start a job search, volunteer if you have time to kill. Find something to do that will keep you busy instead of getting high. When the cravings start to be too much call your sponsor, get to a meeting....kids are always welcome so no sitter is no excuse. You both and especially your child will be in my prayers. Happy Thanksgiving.
God bless.

earlybird

Kick him out. Cut and dry. Eventually, after another 6 months of his lazy, no-job behind, sitting around the house while YOU pay for EVERYTHING, you will finally kick him out. Unfortunately, by that time it will be the cliche "have to move your baby and you back to your moms house" because you are out of money, and have nowhere to go because you are about to get evicted. All because of this guy who wont work. Thats right,....WONT. Im just curious....who PAYS for all his weed if he doesnt have a job? Let me guess,....you? If he is smoking every single day and has no means of making money,....then obviously you are supplying him with his habit. Plus,...you introduced him to drugs. How can someone introduce someone to drugs, then turn around and act SHOCKED that it had negative effects? You need to either continue paying for everything, because he is never going to get a job, or get out of the situation by dumping him. Atleast for the time being. Let him know that you arent full of false threats. SHow him you mean business. Kick him out or you move out. Im sorry this is kinda blunt ( no pun intended) but this is addiction,.....theres no room for sugar coating.

H-Ellenback

Grl,

30 years ago, I stood where you are, and decided to "stick it out.." and eventually he'd change his chronic behaviour. But, he never did, and I stayed, paralyzed, waiting for something to come along and stop him. Even getting caught with pot over the border and being hit with 90 days in Sandusky (reality was 3 weeks) didn't stop him...

My kids went hungry, we sold our cars, our fridge, our stereo, our TV, everything, just so we could stay afloat, and yet he continued his 25-50 dollar a day habit. He raged when there wasn't any around, he tried to grow it in a closet so he wouldn't have to be in debt to his best friend (whoever was dealing and would allow him a little credit until pay day) etc...

He bought pot when we needed diapers, formula, etc....I used cloth diapers so I could wash them myself in the bathtub and hung them on a rad to dry, I nursed both my second and third babies until they were 2 so I'd be sure they'd have enough nutrition to see them through...we never had money to buy a house, pay for car insurance, we lived 'cash' for 30 years...

And why was he able to keep buying pot every day? Because I worked, and I gave him the cash from my waitressing tips, as I hated seeing him punching holes in the walls when he couldn't get it, frightening the kids with anger...it medicated him so he'd keep working.

What a trade-off, huh? So here I am, facing 50 soon, with nothing to show for it, kids that had their own run-ins with addiction, one son who is lost to the streets, on crack now after seeing his Dad smoking it all the time ("wouldn't want to be a hypocrite, now, would we?") and for a period I even joined him in his chronic-ness, since it was easier that way. But when I decided to stop, I had no trouble walking away from it...but I couldn't walk away from him, when I should have. So he was addicted, and so was I...just to different things.

Hon, do you want to be where I am now, when you hit 45? Do you want your baby to be an addict, too? Do you want to watch your spouse killing himself slowly everyday?

You make your own fate, kiddo, either get tough with it now, or pay the price down the road.

It may "just be pot," but it kills relationships, with you, with your kids, and he'll always have trouble holding down jobs until he comes to terms with his addiction. You're not responsible for his addiction, even if YOU DID introduce it to him - HE IS!

My spouse started smoking pot around 10 years of age, and there were many times when I realized he never went beyond that age...He let me walk away from him rather than quit for good. Do you want that? In fact, now the exact same guy who swore he'd never do chemicals is hooked by crack...when pot isn't around, he'll do anything!

Thank God I found meetings - not for him, but for ME...only through those meetings did I get strong enough to be able to break away for good. But I've lost so much time, so much energy, all WASTED like my EX spent his whole life...he was numb to our kids, numb to me, and numb to life.

NUMB IS DUMB, and it's fake, and there's better waiting for you, if you have courage.

Try Naranon, or any 12 step program, honey, cuz you're me, but with your whole life in front of you...

Ellen

grlwithasecret

Thank you everyone for your advise. I think that everyone is right and we need to sit down and talk, he and I. I need to but my foot down and say enough is enough. He has told me countless times that he wants to stop but can't, the cravings are to much. And to tell you the truth, some times the anger that comes from the crazing he gets is to much for me. Oh, no I'm not paying for his habit. He gets it many ways, some times he'll ask his grandma for "gas" money, some times his dad, he'll pawn stuff or he'll donate plasma. When he pawns stuff I make sure it's nothing that's mine or the babies. I've told him it he does sale something that's not his then it's big trouble. Some times I do smoke with him, but not every often. It makes me feel guilty. I don't allow him to smoke in the house. Where the baby is there is no pot, period! I think I'm going to talk to him about going to meeting. If there free and he truely what's to stop like he keeps telling me then he should be okay with going right?I don't want to leave him just yet. I know that he truely wants to stop, but just doesn't know how. Also if I quit completely then he can't stay I'm a hypocrite. We have to stop for our daughter. I can't let her lead a distructive life. i feel that if her dad keeps living this life she doesn't have much of a chance to stay clean. thanks again everyone. and ifanyone has more advise I'd love to hear it.

earlybird

Nobody said you needed to WANT to leave him. You NEED to leave him. FOR NOW. By the way,........you DONT know that he really wants to stop. If he really wanted to stop he would have really tried by now. Without you nagging him. He would have tried on his own. If he didnt have a problem with going to a meeting, he would have gone to one by now,....on his own. You cant force someone to get sober. And NO,...he doesnt have to stop for his daughters sake,....it MUST be for HIS OWN sake. Or else it will NEVER, NEVER, EVER, NEVER work. How come you dont GET that?????? Stop enabling him to be a loser. Because thats what you are doing. By sticking with him,...you are PART of the problem. And dont get me going on how much part of the problem you are by SMOKING it with him. Stop thinking of him,....start thinking of YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER. Lord knows,...that when he is sucking down that weed,...he isnt thinking of YOU.

roadie58

Sorry to be harsh, but this guy is what I call a bum. He will stop when he's darn good and ready, but sounds like he's got everything he needs, girl, family, money, dope, yep- he's set up alright. Hasn't lost a durn thing but maybe some self-respect if he ever had any of that. Whether you're paying directly for his weed or not, you're allowing him a nice comfy place to 'sit around the house, get high and watch the tube' in the words of that old song. Heck, he's a total loser and he's still got the companionship of a caring female. More than he deserves.

Kick his tired butt out. He needs to lose something before he's ready to quit. Just my .02 though. Others will differ.

Irish Virus

He's a young man that needs help. Kicking him to the street serves no purpose in my opinion.He might be immature and has not faced up to his responsibiities yet, but there is still hope and maybe a light bulb will come on eventually. Everyone needs a chance, sometimes more than one. I highly doubt anybody here got sober on their own without some help and especially while tolerating our destructive behavior. Say a prayer, go to a meeting, and things will work out for you.

earlybird

Sorry, Irish,...but that is terrible advice in my opinion. You cant continue doing the exact same things and expecting different results. Simply praying and hoping it will change is BS. You have to MAKE your own luck. God helps those who help themselves. She is allowing this loser to wake'n'bake and then stay stoned all day while SHE pays for it. And trust me,...whether or not she is paying directly for the weed or not,...she is paying for it. By him sitting around the house, using the electricity, using the phone, using the water, eating the food, and sharing the roof, and not working for ANY of it,...she IS paying for it. She needs to KICK this bum out. Let him shack up with his stoner buddies or his Mom and Dad for a while. He is NOT her resposibility. She needs to tell him to get out,...be firm,....MEAN IT,...and Im betting you will see quite a change in him almost immediately. But he HAS to BELIEVE her so she HAS to MEAN it. It will probably never even get to the point of him moving out I bet.

Cindi R

I'm a grateful recovering addict who uses a lot of the ALANON principles in my life...
When you get sick & tired of living the way you're living and have had enough...then you'll be ready to give up on the relationship...
Your story could have been mine...with the exception that my guy was the one who turned me on to the weed...and he had a job. We were married for 25 years...our addiction took up eventually into "other" drugs...
In the end Meth was our drug of choice, and by then he had a crummy job and was depressed about that and I got busted for using and had to give it up or lose my job.
I chose recovery, he did not.
We had a couple of kids who were 12 & 15 at the time...
My son & I found his glass pipe in the house and I knew it was time that he had to leave for my kids guarantee of well being and safety, security & happy home.
It's been 3 years since he left...
Today, I have peace & serenity in my life...
My kids respect me.
My ex remarried less than 3 months after the divorce was final, I would guess that he's still active...
I know that he and the new wife are drinking.
It's totally up to you...
How many years are you willing to endure?
I wish that I'd made different choices sooner in my life...
but "we do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it"
and "I had to go through everything I did in order to get where I am today"

roadie58

Now Cindi, THAT'S what I call Experience, Strength, and Hope. Hope our grlwithsecret reads and understands your post. That's exactly what we've been trying to tell her.

Thanks for sharing!

roadie58

If you want to stick around, you could wait until the kid gets addicted to a REAL drug with extreme physical and psychological dependencies like Coke, crack or Meth. Then you'll really understand what life with an addict is all about. Then instead of just 'cravings' and gas money from Mom, he'll have the cold sweats and lie, cheat and steal from you to get dope money. He might ask you to sell the china if you have any, steal from his own parents, the kids' milk money. Heck he might even make an addict out of you and ask you to sell your body to fund his drug habit.

Get real while you can girl.

1_day@_a_time

"Any advise would be helpful".

Don't do it alone.........get involved in some sort of formal program.

MA is awesome, expecially for those who prefer only pot, AA too!

earlybird

How often do we hear about and get so P.O.'d at these women whose husbands beat the living crap out of, but they STAY with them anyways? They get blasted in the face by him and she tells her friends she "ran into the door"........"again" . She makes excuses for him. She TAKES his abuse and even caters to him even MORE than before thinking that if she lavishes him with more love and attention that he will most definitely stop hitting her. This is called Battered Womens Syndrome. What you are displaying here is very VERY similar. You think that he will change if YOU do this or if you do that. You think that if you do THIS or THAT he will HAVE to notice and then quit. You are making the mistake of assuming that he thinks like a normal person does. He does not. He thinks only of himself. And when money gets tight, the addict doesnt quit. The addict then steals his own kids lunch money or smashes their piggy banks open and spends it all on dope. He steals the neighbors lawn mower and pawns it....for dope. Bottom line here is that lack of funds doesnt stop the ADDICTION. It sends the addict into withdrawal which makes the addiction WORSE and the addicted gets DESPERATE and desperation talks the addict right into stealing his mother-in-laws purse or credit cards. You cant stay with an addict who doesnt want help and think simply staying will "fix" him. You,...really,.....are just too scared to leave. Thats whats REALLY going on here....whether you see it or not. You MUST get out NOW. It only gets worse from here. Your daughter doesnt deserve this. Stop being selfish,....and think of her.

Cindi R

Early Bird...
There's been no mention of abuse here.
You may be jumping to conclusions based on your own personal experience.
I believe that in ALANON the advice is never directed towards telling people what they should do but rather in giving support and allowing them to come up with their own personal solutions.
Just an addict...
putting in my two cents...

earlybird

Ugh!!.............If you read my post closely you will see that Im making a comparison. I said shes acting alot like women that are abused do. The 'staying with him' part. I never said she was being abused. Sheesh.

grlwithasecret

Wow, everyone one has such different points of view. Well to let you all know. We my boyfriend and I having been "sober" for about 3 days. I sat down and talked to him. I told him he had a decision to make, either pot or me and our daughter. He thought I was kidding until he saw that I had already packed bags for the both of us. He asked me were I thought we would go, I said my parents. He started crying! He told me that he knows he needs help. I told him that I would help him if he really wanted it. So we flushed what he had and throw away the pipe and lighters. It's been a ruff 3 days, but hey it's a start. He is really mean and has made me cry once or twice. I realize it's the withdrawals but it still hurts. I've been through the withdrawals myself so it's easlier to understand I think ( use to smoke meth, but I got out before I was an addict). I figure we'll just take it one day at a time. Hopefully, this is it. I've told him if he smokes again we're gone. He said come tomorrow he is going to look into what kind of free meetings are offered in our area and he wants to go. So hopefully this is the begining and not the end!

Irish Virus

Fantastic to hear this. It sounds as though he really wants to change and seek help.
This is a beginning and hopefully to a long and happy life together. Have compassion for this man. If he should fall, allow him the chance to stand again if he is serious. Very few of us who are addicted have succeeded at sobriety on the first try.

Good luck and God Bless.