Killin' time....
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: On my way to a better life "one day at a time"
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Killin' time....
I am sitting here in front of this monitor just not knowing what to do with myself. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and it has brought up a lot of feelings. I know it does for a lot of people. I don't have a problem with whom I am or am not around on the holidays. My problem is I really miss my mother. She passed 2 1/2 years ago. That's when I relapsed after 3 1/2 years of sobriety. I then was able to go 87 days sober then relapsed again. I now have a little over 2 weeks sober maybe 3 my friend is keeping track as I don't want to count the days right now just want to count "today". Anyhow now that I am not drinking and using all these feelings are overwhelming me and I just don't know what to do with myself. I did go to a meeting earlier but that only killed 1 1/2 hours. Has anyone else ever been here and what did you do to get through it? Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Albuquerque, NM
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hey smiles. im sorry about how your feeling. i understand. i think the holidays are a very sentimental time and bring back memories and feelings. i have a hard time with them too. i feel lonely alot. the only thing that helps is to cry and let it out. and pray. and of course, not pick up a drink. but thats not the hard part. the hard part is getting through the emotions.
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Gosh I know what you mean. At times I feel like that's all I am doing is crying. But then again when I was in my addiction I felt numb so now it's all coming out... ;-)
((((freckled))))
And talking to you has really helped a lot. More than I know how to express...
((((freckled))))
And talking to you has really helped a lot. More than I know how to express...
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Join Date: Nov 2005
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I'm glad to hear that ;-)
I believe it's a God thing. I think I am going to try to go to bed for a little while. It's 4:15 a.m. here and haven't been to bed yet. I hope to see you on here soon.. Do you have plans for Thanksgiving?
I believe it's a God thing. I think I am going to try to go to bed for a little while. It's 4:15 a.m. here and haven't been to bed yet. I hope to see you on here soon.. Do you have plans for Thanksgiving?
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Freckles and smiles, Happy Thanksgiving! Isn't this a wonderful thing where you can reach out and someone else knows and understands how you are feeling?
This will be my second Thanksgiving sober. I pray that it goes better than last year. I had a lot of expectations built around last year. Since I was sober I thought we'd all be happy and have a "Martha Stewart" type holiday. Didn't happen. My 19 year old son acted like an ass the whole time, I couldn't get my Dad to return my phone calls and I stayed on pins and needles the whole time. After everyone left I just burst into tears and let it all out. I shared with my SO what I was feeling and he talked me through it (he has almost 17 years sober). This year I am trying not to have any expectations of the day. My plan is to turn it over to God and just try to do the next right thing and trust that everything will work out just the way it is supposed to. If my son chooses to act like an ass again this year then so be it. I will not take it on as a reflection of me and I will not take it personally (or at least I'll try not to).
This year I have so much to be grateful for and I will focus on that. My daughter was gravely ill a week and a half ago and I could have lost her had it not been for the doctors at Texas Children's Hospital ICU. She is home and back to a normal 15 year old. We have a baby due at any time (my sister) and I get to be in the delivery room. I have a good job, a good relationship with my SO and my family (even my son at times), I have my health, and I'm not drunk. So, all in all, I have a lot to be grateful for.
As for the emotions, letting them is out is the best thing you can do. Cry, throw an old fashioned tantrum if you need to (away from others of course LOL!), journal them, whatever you have to do. Part of life on life's terms is getting to experience the emotions we used to avoid by drinking or using. We missed out on a lot. Yeah, we have to go through the not so great emotions and that sucks, but we also get to go through the happiness and joy when those moments come. We are sober so we get to enjoy them fully and remember them the next day. Pretty cool huh?
Hugs to you both!
Kellye
This will be my second Thanksgiving sober. I pray that it goes better than last year. I had a lot of expectations built around last year. Since I was sober I thought we'd all be happy and have a "Martha Stewart" type holiday. Didn't happen. My 19 year old son acted like an ass the whole time, I couldn't get my Dad to return my phone calls and I stayed on pins and needles the whole time. After everyone left I just burst into tears and let it all out. I shared with my SO what I was feeling and he talked me through it (he has almost 17 years sober). This year I am trying not to have any expectations of the day. My plan is to turn it over to God and just try to do the next right thing and trust that everything will work out just the way it is supposed to. If my son chooses to act like an ass again this year then so be it. I will not take it on as a reflection of me and I will not take it personally (or at least I'll try not to).
This year I have so much to be grateful for and I will focus on that. My daughter was gravely ill a week and a half ago and I could have lost her had it not been for the doctors at Texas Children's Hospital ICU. She is home and back to a normal 15 year old. We have a baby due at any time (my sister) and I get to be in the delivery room. I have a good job, a good relationship with my SO and my family (even my son at times), I have my health, and I'm not drunk. So, all in all, I have a lot to be grateful for.
As for the emotions, letting them is out is the best thing you can do. Cry, throw an old fashioned tantrum if you need to (away from others of course LOL!), journal them, whatever you have to do. Part of life on life's terms is getting to experience the emotions we used to avoid by drinking or using. We missed out on a lot. Yeah, we have to go through the not so great emotions and that sucks, but we also get to go through the happiness and joy when those moments come. We are sober so we get to enjoy them fully and remember them the next day. Pretty cool huh?
Hugs to you both!
Kellye
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((smiles)) I lost my Mom 4 1/2 years ago. We were really close. It has been a learning process for me. Working through all those emotions. I use to actually feel that if I was happy then I didn't miss her enough.
Now I believe that she wants me to be happy. She is in a better place watching over me. I am thankful for the life she gave me and I'm going to make the most out of it!! I now have 2 beautiful children and I tell them all about her (even though they are 4 and 2).
It is ok to miss her and ok to cry!! That kind of crying is done out of love!! Let it be done out of love and not self pity (that's what I had to learn).
I am a better person because of her faith, love, and strength that she showed me and others.
I'll share with you the peom I wrote for her as a Mothers Day gift. (she died 2 days before) It is now on the back of her tomb stone.
Our mother is our angel
and this we can declare,
She taught us right from wrong
and showed us how to care.
Our mother is our angel
sent to us from God above,
She always watches over us
and gives us all her love.
Our mother is our angel
Her faith is great, you see
The angel always guiding us
And will forever be.
Celebrate her life by living yours!!!!!!!
Hugs,
Missy
Now I believe that she wants me to be happy. She is in a better place watching over me. I am thankful for the life she gave me and I'm going to make the most out of it!! I now have 2 beautiful children and I tell them all about her (even though they are 4 and 2).
It is ok to miss her and ok to cry!! That kind of crying is done out of love!! Let it be done out of love and not self pity (that's what I had to learn).
I am a better person because of her faith, love, and strength that she showed me and others.
I'll share with you the peom I wrote for her as a Mothers Day gift. (she died 2 days before) It is now on the back of her tomb stone.
Our mother is our angel
and this we can declare,
She taught us right from wrong
and showed us how to care.
Our mother is our angel
sent to us from God above,
She always watches over us
and gives us all her love.
Our mother is our angel
Her faith is great, you see
The angel always guiding us
And will forever be.
Celebrate her life by living yours!!!!!!!
Hugs,
Missy
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Join Date: Nov 2005
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Thanks everyone for the sweet posts I appreciate them greatly!!!
Carol good point about the homeless shelter.
Missy sounds like we have something in common. Wow my mom died on May 10th which was only a few days from mothers day also except it was 2 1/2 years ago.
I understand about crying out of love and self pity. I try to keep watch for the self pity. Of course I am not the best at reconizing it first ;-) I do believe it is out of love right now. Last night after I finally got off line and got quiet I started to pray and thank God for all he has done for me and somehow that triggered a long crying episode. I am thinking I just felt safe when praying. Somehow all these feelings just came out and I felt like a 12 year old missing her "mommy". I just miss her so much but haven't even grieved completley because I always covered that "aching heart" with booze or drugs. Today I am not doing that and as much as it hurts it feels good to let it out also...
Kelle you are so right. I know I too have much to be thankful for. I think we always do it is just the attitude we decide to carry in our head that determines if we we or won't. You made many excellent points. And a "Happy Thanksgiving" to you also. How did it turn out (without expectations) this year?
Carol good point about the homeless shelter.
Missy sounds like we have something in common. Wow my mom died on May 10th which was only a few days from mothers day also except it was 2 1/2 years ago.
I understand about crying out of love and self pity. I try to keep watch for the self pity. Of course I am not the best at reconizing it first ;-) I do believe it is out of love right now. Last night after I finally got off line and got quiet I started to pray and thank God for all he has done for me and somehow that triggered a long crying episode. I am thinking I just felt safe when praying. Somehow all these feelings just came out and I felt like a 12 year old missing her "mommy". I just miss her so much but haven't even grieved completley because I always covered that "aching heart" with booze or drugs. Today I am not doing that and as much as it hurts it feels good to let it out also...
Kelle you are so right. I know I too have much to be thankful for. I think we always do it is just the attitude we decide to carry in our head that determines if we we or won't. You made many excellent points. And a "Happy Thanksgiving" to you also. How did it turn out (without expectations) this year?
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Join Date: Aug 2005
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Hey smiles, yesterday was much better without the expectations. The 19 year old was a decent as he is capable of being this year, there was lots of laughter and all in all it was great. I had a strange moment when I called my dad to tell him Happy Thanksgiving. He is one of us but has never sought help for it. I finally shared with him a couple of months ago that I am an alcoholic and go to AA. Of course he was drinking last night and the subject of AA came up. Seems he is realizing what he is doing to his body and how much better he feels when he does wake up sober. I shared a little with him about what it was like for me at the end and he could relate. He told me that maybe one of these days he'd surprise me at a meeting. I told him that would be great and if he ever needed anything he could call, I'd always be there.
Then he started trying to apologize for the way he'd treated me my whole life. I had to stop him. See, I haven't made my amends to him yet. I told him that it worked both ways and as part of working my program I needed to sit down with him face to face for a conversation. I told him I'd call him this coming week to figure out a time when we could do this. After hanging up I became an emotional crying mess. I FELT like the little child that had so desperately sought his approval and love all those years ago. Fortunately it was close to time for a meeting so I jumped up, went to a meeting, shared, called my sponsor and got it all out. I had a sense of peace afterwards, I just had to get it all out. I don't know where this will go, if he will actually get help but right now at least a seed has been planted and all I can do now is pray for him and live by example.
I am glad you got to do some cleansing by crying yesterday. I hate to cry but I usually feel so much better once I let go and do.
Thanks for asking about the Thanksgiving. How was yours???
Hugs,
Kellye
Then he started trying to apologize for the way he'd treated me my whole life. I had to stop him. See, I haven't made my amends to him yet. I told him that it worked both ways and as part of working my program I needed to sit down with him face to face for a conversation. I told him I'd call him this coming week to figure out a time when we could do this. After hanging up I became an emotional crying mess. I FELT like the little child that had so desperately sought his approval and love all those years ago. Fortunately it was close to time for a meeting so I jumped up, went to a meeting, shared, called my sponsor and got it all out. I had a sense of peace afterwards, I just had to get it all out. I don't know where this will go, if he will actually get help but right now at least a seed has been planted and all I can do now is pray for him and live by example.
I am glad you got to do some cleansing by crying yesterday. I hate to cry but I usually feel so much better once I let go and do.
Thanks for asking about the Thanksgiving. How was yours???
Hugs,
Kellye
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Hi Kelley sounds like you had quite a Thanksgiving. I am glad that you enjoyed it.
Wow I could so relate about feeling like that little child seaking love and approval! Wow it sounds to me like you are growing in the program and that was a way to help you. Now I don't know personally because I never was able to carry the message to my mother in any way. She too an alcoholic (she died that way). But from what I have heard is that the hardest part is that now all you can do is pray and live by example like you said. Although I cannot imagine how that conversation wouldn't put a lot of HOPE in your heart. Now waiting is the hard part. I really hope he does go to a Meeting that would be soooo Cool!!
Thanksgiving was okay for me. I don't have my family with me as I am staying with a friend at the moment so I can go to more meetings and get threw some of these feelings so I can go home and continue sobriety there. I missed all of them! But I will go home for Christmas so I hold onto that a lot right now.
Have you ever heard of an emotional hangover? I have been sleeping most of the day. I woke up feeling hung over. Nausia, aches, headache, weak and don't know where it came from. I haven't drank or used. Anyway that's where I am at the moment.
Hope to hear from you soon.
(((((Kelley))))
Wow I could so relate about feeling like that little child seaking love and approval! Wow it sounds to me like you are growing in the program and that was a way to help you. Now I don't know personally because I never was able to carry the message to my mother in any way. She too an alcoholic (she died that way). But from what I have heard is that the hardest part is that now all you can do is pray and live by example like you said. Although I cannot imagine how that conversation wouldn't put a lot of HOPE in your heart. Now waiting is the hard part. I really hope he does go to a Meeting that would be soooo Cool!!
Thanksgiving was okay for me. I don't have my family with me as I am staying with a friend at the moment so I can go to more meetings and get threw some of these feelings so I can go home and continue sobriety there. I missed all of them! But I will go home for Christmas so I hold onto that a lot right now.
Have you ever heard of an emotional hangover? I have been sleeping most of the day. I woke up feeling hung over. Nausia, aches, headache, weak and don't know where it came from. I haven't drank or used. Anyway that's where I am at the moment.
Hope to hear from you soon.
(((((Kelley))))
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
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Yeah, I have heard of an emotional hangover. I think I had one yesterday! Like you, I had no energy, just totally blah, wanting to sleep, etc. I spoke for someone at birthday night last night and that helped as I had to crawl out of myself.
Tonight I share my story for the first time so I've been writing pages of notes so I don't stand up there like a total idiot and go blank LOL!!!
My SO is a depressive type so he goes through a lot of the emotional hangover stuff. It is hard as I want to "fix" him and realize that I cannot. Then I have to remember that it is not about me and I'm not responsible for his emotions any more than he is responsible for mine! Learning how to live and let live is a lesson I'm still learning. Not taking things personally (it's all about me!) is another one!
I hope you will feel better as the day goes on. If you can, get out and get involved in something. Go to a meeting if possible and see what you can bring to the meeting. See if there is any service work that needs to be done. Inertia breeds inertia and action breeds more action. At least it does in my case.
Good for you for getting through the holiday without family and staying sober. You're right, you can look forward to Christmas and spending time with the family then. For now, it sounds like you know what you need to do and are doing it which I think is great!
Hugs,
Kellye
Tonight I share my story for the first time so I've been writing pages of notes so I don't stand up there like a total idiot and go blank LOL!!!
My SO is a depressive type so he goes through a lot of the emotional hangover stuff. It is hard as I want to "fix" him and realize that I cannot. Then I have to remember that it is not about me and I'm not responsible for his emotions any more than he is responsible for mine! Learning how to live and let live is a lesson I'm still learning. Not taking things personally (it's all about me!) is another one!
I hope you will feel better as the day goes on. If you can, get out and get involved in something. Go to a meeting if possible and see what you can bring to the meeting. See if there is any service work that needs to be done. Inertia breeds inertia and action breeds more action. At least it does in my case.
Good for you for getting through the holiday without family and staying sober. You're right, you can look forward to Christmas and spending time with the family then. For now, it sounds like you know what you need to do and are doing it which I think is great!
Hugs,
Kellye
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