tink360

Sorry ahead of time for what im about to say...i thought about this and call me crazy because i know thats how im thinking...im just getting tired of the way that things are going...im tired of working and going to skewl and then not really being happy...i hate the fact that ive grown up too fast...i want to be a teenager again...i want to have fun again...yes i relapsed...i smoked pot and i snorted a 20 of cocaine and i felt a temporary relief...and yes im tottally aware that it was temporary and that when i woke up this afternoon that the problem was still there and so was the feeling of complete and total lonleyness and defeat was still there but at that time that i was wired i felt like i could organize everything and get my poems together and get my life together...i know that it doesnt make any sense but i cant seem to fight the feeling...i feel like my body is running away with me and i cant stop it!!!

roadie58

It'll be okay. Thanks for coming back and telling on yourself. You want to go to PM and chat about it? I wanted to ask you about that other thing we were talking about if you're still up.

Roadie

roadie58

Tink, when I used coke a few weeks ago, I had that same burst of energy like I used to . Got all kinds of work done for a short while. Then it all came crashing in again, just like it used to.

I have to realize that whatever gains I think I make by using are quickly destroyed by the pain of the next day and the confusion that drugs leads to.

Greenbug

Well Tink, this is a program of attraction rather than promotion. If thats what you want to do then so be it. Know that if you give yourself some time, things just happen.

Were both addicts, doing drugs is what we do!!

I love doing Meth, and at eight years clean I think I still love doing Meth. I am not disillusioned by this fact. When I was doing drugs I had great times, some of the best times. In time I realized that by doing this my choices were extremely limited, imprisoning myself with my in-ability to stop when I should and hurting the people closest to me. Usually ending in me breaking the law and going to jail......again. This is why I am an addict. If I could do drugs and stop after one snort or fix, I wouldn't be an addict and probably still be using. It wasn't easy, and sometimes it wasn't fun, when I forgave myself and my past and moved forward is then the world opened up for me.

You are still young, and I wish I would have taken the hint years ago when I got to the rooms of AA/NA but I didn't and I wasted allot of time. only to come full circle to what was told me years earlier.

Today I know my using wasn't the best times, there were the best times of that period of my life having such a limited experience of what life can offer. Today I know what a good time is, and having friends I can trust. I own a business today, and its turning a profit faster then I would have expected. Today my choices aren't based on "what can I do" its more like "what can't I do". If I am willing to work for it, nothing in this world is out of reach.

Once you give yourself a decent chance at recovery and the promises start playing out this becomes a very attractive program.

Tink, Happy Thanksgiving!

~GB

Phinneas

Well, Tink. Maybe you're not done.

All I can speak to is my own experience. I didn't "get" recovery until I was truly and deeply willing to go to any lengths to get and STAY clean and sober. It was, unfortunately, a point of total despair and I wish it hadn't had to get that bad. But when that happened, I came in with no doubts, no reservations, and I am still clean and sober today. I learned that recovery is not for those who need it, but for those who want it.

It really doesn't get any better. But some of us have to learn that the hard way.

Anna

I'm sorry that you're having a rough time Tink. You know I used to get a burst of energy when I was drinking when the sugar kicked in. I always knew I'd be able to get the things done that I'd been letting go. But I came to hate that energy burst because it was all about alcohol controlling my life. As you said, you feel like your body is running away with you and I felt that way too. It was when I stopped drinking that I began to get my life together.

*smiles*

I agree with phinny on this one.
I do wish the best for you. Have you found another sponsor yet? Have you been to any meetings latley? I know that is what is helping me..

YankInHolland

I'm sure this post will incur the indignation of many members, but something is compelling me to respond.

First and foremost, I am sorry to hear that you are using again, and I hope and pray that you find the strength to stop.

This is where the tone of my post changes. I can't help but rehash your words over and over in my mind - "...you are tired of working and school and you want to be a teenager again".

Here's the "good news" - you CAN do that, if you choose. You CAN choose shun your responsibilities. You CAN choose to stop improving your life through school and NA. You are an adult - you are free to make your own choices.

Now the bad news. You are an adult. Adults take responsibility for their lives. In other words, the consequences of your choices are yours and yours alone. Don't like "skewl"? Don't go. That's your choice. As are the consequences of that choice - joblessness, hunger, homelessness. They're yours for the taking, tink.

Don't want to recover? Like others here said - that's your choice as well. Nobody but you can MAKE you recover. That's your choice. But there again, are those nasty little things called "consequences" of your choice - prison, insanity, the morgue. They're also yours for the taking.

I'm not going to apologize for the tone of this post. You said you wanted to be a teenager.

I simply felt that it was appropriate to treat you like one.

sherbear5104

Good post Yank. Harsh, maybe a little. True, very much. We all have choices. There are either rewards or consequences to our choices. I am tired of the consequences. I want the rewards.

I will be praying for you, tink.

Sherry

REZ

I agree with the earlier "tough love" posts. Addiction is a serious disease. Whether your drug is alcohol, pot, crack, meth, heroin, or whatever, if you have an addiction, it will eventually ruin your life. For me, I had to become completely willing to recover. I had to say "no more; I've had enough." I slipped around for the first couples of months, but then I realized that if I didn't take this thing seriously, I could slip right out and never come back. Or, maybe come back after wasting precious years of my life using.

shockozulu

Tink, at 36 I still want to be a teenager sometimes. But I've found in recovery there are ways that I can still feel that way. For example, I dress Goth in nicer clothes at school. Another way is going back to school. I still love listening to some modern music. I still drink soda and gatorade, I love to play video games online.

I have found ways to feel like a teenager and still be an adult. It can be done!

tink360

i see what you all are saying and thanks...i dont mind the harshness its what saved my life the first time...its not that i want to quit school...on the contrary i want to finish school and i love my job...what i meant was that im tired of ONLY going to work and school...thats what i meant by wanting to be a kid agian...all i do is study and work and school...i want friends and i want to have a good time and i want to feel like my life isint running away from me...greenbug something you said.... i feel exactly like this...same drug and everything...its like i want to quit but i cant deny the fact that i love meth and i even loved the times and everything...i dont know how to break myself free from it....its like everytime i try to get sober once i start getting bored with my life i get deppressed and once i get deppressed i fall...how to break the cycle?

roadie58

Thanks for coming back and sharing. Breaking the cycle is the most difficult thing I've ever tried in my life. I guess it's learning a different way to be happy naturally, when all the drugs and booze worked for a while but then turned on me.

Please stay here and keep trying, there is a better way. I've not found anyone in three years who's come back to SR or AA and reported that they found a better way to stay sober or that life using and drinking was really better than a clean and sober life. Not one person has reported this, so it can't be true.

stick around, the best is yet to come. Don't leave before the miracle happens.

tink360

well i didnt use today so i guess thats a start in the right direction...i dont know whats wrong with me...i just feel so mad lately at everything...i feel alone and deppressed...thats one of the reasons i just said f**k it and used...sometimes i wish that i were stronger and that i could be happy with out the s**t but i dont feel it...i dont know what the hell is wrong with me but i know that i dont want to give up on myself just quite yet...thanks everyone for not telling me to blow it out my a** and sticken around to show me love and compassion...thats one of the things that i love about this site and i just wanna say that i truley appreciate it...i love you all and im thankful that i can call you guys my friends...i just wish i had friends like this here where i live....instead everyone i know my age ( besides the people in NA who are older ) wander what the hell is wrong with me and tell me that i should be able to do whatever the hell that i want and that my life is in my control and stuff...deep down inside i know that when drugs are involved they are the ones in control and that the younger crowd here just doesnt seem to understand addiction...but it does get to me sometimes...more often than it probably should and thats where my frustration comes in...i dont know what to do but i dont want to die and be controlled by a substance that wants nothing more than to kill me...what have others in this situation done to ease the pain and frustration?

jpeace2

I can't speak for others, Tink....but what I have done is gone to meetings, gone to more meetings and gotten myself a sponsor who I can call when I start to feel out of control like this. I know you're probably sick of people saying the same thing over and over "go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps" but that really is what helps. And prayer...prayer helps me a LOT when I'm struggling. And you know what? You WILL meet new friends in the rooms who will show you how to have fun, like Alera said, to still "be a teenager" without having to kill yourself in the process while continuing to use.

I used to think I was such a fun-loving, spontaneous, silly a** when I was high, or when I was drunk...and had oh so much fun letting my hair down and acting goofy, as opposed to the professional face I had to put on at work and school.

Guess what? I'm still the same silly a** without drugs and alcohol. I can still act silly, have fun, laugh, clown around with my sober friends, and not care if people think I'm crazy for doing stuff like jumping into a fountain in the city in the middle of August and getting soaked to the skin. I can embrace my nutso side even more now, because I know it's really ME and not just the drugs/booze. To me, that's cool! Just my two cents...take what you need and leave the rest. Love, JP

Greenbug

Hey Tink!

I hope you had a good thanksgiving, I just got back had WAY to much to eat, as usual.

The first step talks about life becoming unmanageable, how has your life become unmanageable?

I hear that when you use you feel powerless when coming down from Meth, but the first step is a two part question.

Step one is the only one you need to be 100% sure of. The rest you can work and do your best you can at the time.

I see from your profile, you are still in school. Has your grades suffered from your using, do you miss class, skip school etc...

I can only guess at the following from your profile, you just turned 19 in September, you also just graduated from high school, now a freshman in college or junior college. Your friendship circle is changing. You have new and unfamiliar responsibilities you are unsure of.

While you might be an addict, this also might just be unfamilair ground you are covering right now. Something you said on a different post that kind of caught me about your relationship with your folks. There is still alot of trust, and you still listen to them. I thinks that awesome, while last time I had said you need to work your own program, I am thinking now you need to listen to your folks. Stay in school, stay focused on your goal whatever that may be. If things get out of hand "powerless and unmanageable" the rooms of AA/NA will always be there for you. Set boundaires for yourself, and meet them no matter what. You're still young, this really could be just a phase. And of course SR will always be here for you. The steps can and does work for everyone in different ways. Trust me at 19 the world doesnt need to be figured out today or even tomorrow. Enjoy your youth, but stay in school and finish your education.

I am sure some other poster will not agree with me, since they have gone through hell and back a few times. (myself included) doesnt mean that is you.


~GB

Luckyv2

Hi Tink

Here it is Thanksgiving day
I got ahold my HP and I did pray

I pray for everyone to be free
Free from this damn disease

I know that God is working in my life
I don't always do the things right

But when I fall I get back up
And I go back to the bus

The bus has help me keep in check
When I got to SR I was a wreck

Now I haven't fallen since I came to this site
But I have had one heck of a fight

A fight almost on every day
I didn't feel the Son's RAY

The rays of life that has passed me by
I go looking for answers in the sky

Yet sometimes I wonder what He might say
Then I just try and hey

None of us a perfect that are here
Most of use has done coke and beer

I know that this is not easy to do
But I still don't have a clue

A clue as what I can really say
I will stop and pray

Love you Tink I hope that you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I pray that you will be OK>>>all any of us has is today.

Love Vic

roadie58

Good post Greenbug. Thanks for taking it to the steps. It's all there laid out in black and white. The Book is a complete set of instructions and your info on step one was right on the money.

Tink, please stay and keep discussing this. I can feel you getting some serenity and understanding just over your past few posts. Hang in there girl!

tink360

wow...greenbug...everything you said was right...except i havent graduated from high school yet....im still trying to get my diploma because i dropped out at 17...i have 3 classes left which im taking at a college to try to get my diploma...im thankful for the advice and i tried to make the whole day sober yesterday but once i got home my neighbor boi was waiting for me with coke in hand...i feel too bad to keep comming on here and letting you guys know about each da** failure i experience....until i get my act together again...

Greenbug

Well if I may add, whatever you do right now, don't get caught up in illegal activities, stay in school, finish your education. <--Life changing events


Further out on the limb I also say, with all of this going on the answer is not getting pregnant and having a child. While i am sure you would be an awesome mother and love your child. This is not whats going to define you as a young woman. I hear all to often that while all women love there child they also wish if they had to do it over again they would have waited a few years later in life it would have made things more manageable for them today.

Young guys have no clue what having a child is about, caring for, feeding, supporting both of you - NO CLUE!!! Right now per your own admission your social circle is riddled with irresponsibility - And thats OK, right now and at your age BUT Dont make any life changing/final decisions in this circle.

Remember your dream of being a writer, "will this help or hurt your goals".? Anything is possible, ANYTHING.

This might not make any sense to you right now, but if you are like most, it will. I hope you remember this when it counts.

I fully expect to be reading some of your works someday, and I'm very serious!

I wish you well,

~GB

That was a pretty long limb!!