Life After Living with an Addict
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Life After Living with an Addict
After reading all the posts from those who are contemplating leaving a loved one with an addiction for the year and a half since I left mine, I have found myself wanting to say something about the subject to one and all.
I see and feel your pain, the anxiety, the knotted stomachs, the racing hearts, the pounding heads, the fear of them and for them, the lack of sleep or the sleeping too much, the feeling of wanting to pull your hair out or their hair out **!), the need to fix them, the loss of control. I'm sure all of us have felt some, if not all, of the above.
I remember wanting him to just stop drinking. What could possibly be so bad that he would drink himself into oblivion? What could I do to make it better? What could I do to make him stop? He needed treatment. Well, I took care of that the first time, then the second, then the third and on and on and on. He''d sober up for a while and then we would start all over again. It got so that I couldn't wait for him to go into treatment and when he went to a 30 day residential program, I was in heaven. I was alone. I didn't have to think about him or worry about him. I was never ready for him to be released. He would be good and I would let my guard down. Maybe this time it will work.
The disappointment when he relapsed became harder and harder to bear with each failure. Each relapse was worse. I finally realized that I had to get out because if I didn't, it was going to destroy me. He became violent, I had him arrested and left while he was in jail. Moved 600 miles away. It was a hard thing to do but it became very easy to live with my decision. Sure, at first it was hard. I missed the "good" guy but had become afraid of the "bad" guy. I worried about him drinking himself to death but as time passed, I missed him less and less.
He called about a month ago to discuss the divorce papers that I had served him with and I didn't even recognized his voice!!!!! I hardly think about him any more. I am lucky because we didn't have kids together.
The point of this post is that you can agonize over what to do for the rest of your life. If you are sitting there waiting for the person you married to show back up again and all will be just wonderful, maybe you are just kidding yourself. If you aren't happy, if you are making yourself sick about your life, why not put yourself first and think about what you want out of life. Leaving doesn't have to be forever. Sometimes it can be the very thing that makes the addict take a long hard look at their life and make the changes they need to make. Are you doing anyone any favors by staying in a relationship that is causing damage - either emotional or physical or both? Who is that helping?
By the time I left, I no longer loved my husband. Those feelings had been killed over a period of years. I did my mourning for our loss before I left. Please, take a good look at yourself, your relationship, and your children. What is best for you and what is best for your kids?
Believe me, there is a whole new world out there. I had lost the ability to feel joy and it is so wonderful to have it back. I just read a post about imagining your spouse dying as the easy way out. Isn't that horrible that we sometimes feel that way? I wonder if we all don't at some point. I no longer have those thoughts or the constant worry about what has to be dealt with next - a DUI, an arrest. another job loss, the belittling, the fear - most of all the fear. I got my life back and I am enjoying it. I wish I could have had this life with him but, in my case, it wasn't possible.
I'm not telling everyone to run out and get a divorce, but for those of you who know in your hearts that it is what is best for you, don't continue to live year after year waiting for the time to be right or to give them one more chance time and time again.
I'll get off my soapbox now. I just wish that I could grab some of you and just yank you into a new world where you will have a chance for some joy of your own!!!!!!!!!
Hugs to all, Jo
I see and feel your pain, the anxiety, the knotted stomachs, the racing hearts, the pounding heads, the fear of them and for them, the lack of sleep or the sleeping too much, the feeling of wanting to pull your hair out or their hair out **!), the need to fix them, the loss of control. I'm sure all of us have felt some, if not all, of the above.
I remember wanting him to just stop drinking. What could possibly be so bad that he would drink himself into oblivion? What could I do to make it better? What could I do to make him stop? He needed treatment. Well, I took care of that the first time, then the second, then the third and on and on and on. He''d sober up for a while and then we would start all over again. It got so that I couldn't wait for him to go into treatment and when he went to a 30 day residential program, I was in heaven. I was alone. I didn't have to think about him or worry about him. I was never ready for him to be released. He would be good and I would let my guard down. Maybe this time it will work.
The disappointment when he relapsed became harder and harder to bear with each failure. Each relapse was worse. I finally realized that I had to get out because if I didn't, it was going to destroy me. He became violent, I had him arrested and left while he was in jail. Moved 600 miles away. It was a hard thing to do but it became very easy to live with my decision. Sure, at first it was hard. I missed the "good" guy but had become afraid of the "bad" guy. I worried about him drinking himself to death but as time passed, I missed him less and less.
He called about a month ago to discuss the divorce papers that I had served him with and I didn't even recognized his voice!!!!! I hardly think about him any more. I am lucky because we didn't have kids together.
The point of this post is that you can agonize over what to do for the rest of your life. If you are sitting there waiting for the person you married to show back up again and all will be just wonderful, maybe you are just kidding yourself. If you aren't happy, if you are making yourself sick about your life, why not put yourself first and think about what you want out of life. Leaving doesn't have to be forever. Sometimes it can be the very thing that makes the addict take a long hard look at their life and make the changes they need to make. Are you doing anyone any favors by staying in a relationship that is causing damage - either emotional or physical or both? Who is that helping?
By the time I left, I no longer loved my husband. Those feelings had been killed over a period of years. I did my mourning for our loss before I left. Please, take a good look at yourself, your relationship, and your children. What is best for you and what is best for your kids?
Believe me, there is a whole new world out there. I had lost the ability to feel joy and it is so wonderful to have it back. I just read a post about imagining your spouse dying as the easy way out. Isn't that horrible that we sometimes feel that way? I wonder if we all don't at some point. I no longer have those thoughts or the constant worry about what has to be dealt with next - a DUI, an arrest. another job loss, the belittling, the fear - most of all the fear. I got my life back and I am enjoying it. I wish I could have had this life with him but, in my case, it wasn't possible.
I'm not telling everyone to run out and get a divorce, but for those of you who know in your hearts that it is what is best for you, don't continue to live year after year waiting for the time to be right or to give them one more chance time and time again.
I'll get off my soapbox now. I just wish that I could grab some of you and just yank you into a new world where you will have a chance for some joy of your own!!!!!!!!!
Hugs to all, Jo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
I knew it was time to go when I began to wish that he'd get it over with and finally succeed in his suicide attempts. I didn't want to be pushed into those kinds of thoughts about anyone but I was sick to death of pacing the floors at night while I waited for some law enforcement or EMR person to call and tell me where they'd found him this time and which hospital to pick him up at.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 48
What a great post. I have been out for about 5 months after living with AH for 10 years. I am feeling joy and the difference in my children has been wonderful. There is life out there and for me it is SO much less stressful even giving the contested divorce that I am going through and all that comes with that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Thanks for the reminder.
You are so right. I was just thinking today about what last year was like and thanking God for my new life.
Life is SO much better, there is so much more joy and not having to think about the moods, the back and forth behavior etc...
Im just SO thankful
You are so right. I was just thinking today about what last year was like and thanking God for my new life.
Life is SO much better, there is so much more joy and not having to think about the moods, the back and forth behavior etc...
Im just SO thankful
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Windy City Burbs
Posts: 101
I signed on to post something like this and I don't have to because you did. But this is so true. The stage of my H and my relationship has not progressed as far as where you are at but I see how this whole year has unfolded and how far I've moved ahead while he has spiralled downward and I see two paths to follow.
I am scared of the one path the one that makes me wonder how he is doing instead of how I am doing, the one that wants to reach out and comfort him instead of letting him feel the natural repercussions of his actions, the one that doesn't think anyone will take care of him as good I would. YIKES
Then there's the path I want to plant my feet on firmly that says you can do this, you are worth saving, your kids are what count, he is an adult, you tried to save him for 20 years he needs to do his own work, let go, take care of yourself, he doesn't have a chance if you do his work, you don't have a chance if you don't do your work.
The first path is shorter the destination is filled with pain and destruction and there is no light. The second path is long but straight and there are people on each side waving victory flags at each step and it is filled with light. So I will pray for a steady foot hold on the second path and hope to see you there.
Happy Thanksgiving I am grateful for all of you.
J
I am scared of the one path the one that makes me wonder how he is doing instead of how I am doing, the one that wants to reach out and comfort him instead of letting him feel the natural repercussions of his actions, the one that doesn't think anyone will take care of him as good I would. YIKES
Then there's the path I want to plant my feet on firmly that says you can do this, you are worth saving, your kids are what count, he is an adult, you tried to save him for 20 years he needs to do his own work, let go, take care of yourself, he doesn't have a chance if you do his work, you don't have a chance if you don't do your work.
The first path is shorter the destination is filled with pain and destruction and there is no light. The second path is long but straight and there are people on each side waving victory flags at each step and it is filled with light. So I will pray for a steady foot hold on the second path and hope to see you there.
Happy Thanksgiving I am grateful for all of you.
J
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Anywherebuthere,US
Posts: 14
You are so right. I had been waiting for so long - waiting for him to change, waiting for me to change, waiting for life to change. I built my walls, wrapped myself up in a self-made cocoon and just sat. And waited for something to happen. Now, finally, after about 5 years of waiting, I think I am ready to truly let go and put the past in the past and get back in the game of life. I am motivated to get out, move and groove. Meet people, have a life. Get back down to my "fighting weight" (that cocoon was figurative and literal, lol) and put myself back out in the world again.
Nony
Nony
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
I'm so glad that I started this thread. Mr. Christian, your thanks brought tears to my eyes because I know how much you have been struggling. There are others here who have made it through the tunnel and there are bright skies waiting. That is what this forum is all about - giving food for thought and sharing our own experiences. If this thread can help just one person it will make me soooo happy. If we can just break loose from the fear of change, life can be so different!
Hugs, Jo
Hugs, Jo
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
This forum has helped me redirect my thinking in so many different ways. All for the good. I try to look at things from different view points and have difficulty with it. But reading these posts have me standing back and saying, hhhhmmmmm never thought of it that way.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Between New Orleans and Baton Rouge Louisiana
Posts: 8
Wow.....I know that I needed to hear that one more time...maybe it will really sink in or I will get the courage to do it. Last night was Hell. as was the night before.
I thought of carrying a small voice activated recorder so he could hear the next day what really was said and done...not his saturated view, but then I thought, what would it matter?? HE KNOWS !!! I am sooo physically and emotionally tired of living like this, but I worry about him...falling, choking, not eating, etc. I know that he should worry himself, but he doesn't...so...I'm back to square one. Sigh.....Maybe I need more intensive therapy to see why I don't feel I derserve better. Thanks for the post..it was....intense.
I thought of carrying a small voice activated recorder so he could hear the next day what really was said and done...not his saturated view, but then I thought, what would it matter?? HE KNOWS !!! I am sooo physically and emotionally tired of living like this, but I worry about him...falling, choking, not eating, etc. I know that he should worry himself, but he doesn't...so...I'm back to square one. Sigh.....Maybe I need more intensive therapy to see why I don't feel I derserve better. Thanks for the post..it was....intense.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Fab -
I've said this before but maybe this will help. When my fear for what would happen to him if I left was overridden by my fear of what would happen to me if I stayed, I knew it was time to go. Take care of yourself.
Hugs, Jo
I've said this before but maybe this will help. When my fear for what would happen to him if I left was overridden by my fear of what would happen to me if I stayed, I knew it was time to go. Take care of yourself.
Hugs, Jo
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Thanks for such a truthful and insightful post.
Your contribution is what makes this such wonderful forum and a great support system for those seeking understanding and direction .. which is basically why we come here to begin with.
Your thoughts mirror my feelings completely as I have been through this tragic drama for decades. Like you, I have found for years, the days I have no contact with my A husband, I feel such relief and contentment.
Rather than waste precious, happy productive years becoming more angry and unhappy living with the constant turmoil of this insanity ... hopefully, we can educate ourselves by learning from each other's experiences as to how futile dealing with this illness is so many times. We can make the all important decisions to change our lives sooner ..instead of wasting years hoping the addict will change while our lives slip away.
Your contribution is what makes this such wonderful forum and a great support system for those seeking understanding and direction .. which is basically why we come here to begin with.
Your thoughts mirror my feelings completely as I have been through this tragic drama for decades. Like you, I have found for years, the days I have no contact with my A husband, I feel such relief and contentment.
Rather than waste precious, happy productive years becoming more angry and unhappy living with the constant turmoil of this insanity ... hopefully, we can educate ourselves by learning from each other's experiences as to how futile dealing with this illness is so many times. We can make the all important decisions to change our lives sooner ..instead of wasting years hoping the addict will change while our lives slip away.
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
Jo ~
Yes, yes, yes! You've done an awesome job of putting it into words. 99% of it feels like it came straight from MY brain -
the good thing about that particular feeling? You help me remember that I am NOT the only one to go through, FEEL this crap. And there IS a rainbow on the other side of the storm.
(And isn't THAT a huge part of Recovery?? *g*)
Thank you!
Blue
Yes, yes, yes! You've done an awesome job of putting it into words. 99% of it feels like it came straight from MY brain -
the good thing about that particular feeling? You help me remember that I am NOT the only one to go through, FEEL this crap. And there IS a rainbow on the other side of the storm.
(And isn't THAT a huge part of Recovery?? *g*)
Thank you!
Blue
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
(((Jojo)))
I am so glad that your life is much happier today. I know it has been a long road for you and it's so nice that the road led you to peace and happiness, because you deserve both.
Your post here is inspiring and your recovery shines.
Hugs
Ann
I am so glad that your life is much happier today. I know it has been a long road for you and it's so nice that the road led you to peace and happiness, because you deserve both.
Your post here is inspiring and your recovery shines.
Hugs
Ann
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