guyinNC

Well my wife's rehab romance is gone. She says she is sober now, since she totaled her car....about 4 weeks ago.

So much damage has been done to our lives....I'm not sure I can get past it all.

She says she is remorseful for what she did to me, the kids and our families. I believe her. She would come home if I let her....she has no where else to go. She facing the system for two DWI's, living off the kindness of strangers,has no real job skills.

We just got our official separation. With what money she will get from me, she can battle the courts and have enough to get started again...if she is careful.

Her best option is to go home to her parents, they are willing to take her in. There she could save her money, go back to school, get a new start in life. But they are a 1000 miles away....she would be effectively out of the kids lives. I'm not sure that is good for her or the kids.

A harsh punishment for six months of screwing up, the affair, the drinking, wrecking her car. I still feel responsible for her and the kids. I feel at times I should take her back for her sake and the kids. My friends and family think I am nuts. They would probably disown me if I took her back. The kids even seem indifferent...at least on the surface.

So......is the punishment to harsh for her crimes.

historyteach

Guy;
I'm not sure I would call this a "punishment."
It is, however, the natural consequence of her behavior.

Each time I tried to rescue the addict in my life, it blew up in my face. I had to learn that I didn't have the power to change him, or to make it better for him. He had to do that all by himself.

If going to her parents is the consequence of her choices, well, heck! It COULD have been much worse. She'll go and get her act togehter; get some schooling; begin to put her life in order and to be able to make a life for herself.

That new life may include you and it may not. She will always be the mother of your children. It's up to her to keep close to them whether it's one mile or one thousand miles away. And that will depend upon her recovery.

Let her actions do the talking. Her words, right now, while she's in trouble and scared, don't amount to a hill of beans.

I'm sorry you and the children are dealing with such turmoil. But, you need to take care of yourself and those kids. Maybe there's a future for you all later on - after she's done the necessary work in her recovery. But, for now, these tough choices she's making is the consequences of her actions - not a punishment. Let her work it out.

Shalom!

equus

I would stop thinking in terms of crime and punishment - they're judgmental and you don't have to play that role (like it's healthy to avoid it!!). Perhaps thinking in terms of your own life and wants and the lives of your kids is better.

I can't really say much more because I haven't been in your shoes.

cwohio

you need time to heal and i think if she moved back in that would not happen for you still sound like you might revert back to your old behaviors of focusing on her. remember, actions speak louder than words - if she's really remorseful and wants sobriety then she'll do whatever it takes. the kids may seem indifferent but i'm willing to bet that all of this has affected them (growing up in an alcoholic home myself). at 53 i am just now tapping into coming to grips with that and how the affected me in ways i never knew.

hold on to your boundaries guy - if she really wants to get it right she will.

Jazzman

The challenge for you, my friend, is to not fall into the traps that are set. If you screwed up at work, who would be held accountable? Maybe time at her folks, working a program, missing the kids, demonstrating her convictions to remaining sober, would be a lesson in tough love that has the potential of keeping her on the straight and narrow. If you rescue her now, she might never have the opportunity to learn that lesson. You are in no way “doling out punishment” so get that crap right out of your head.

TexasGirl

I'm absolutely not trying to be the bad guy, but I do want to share something with you. When my H got his 2nd DWI, he quit drinking for something like 4 months. That's a pretty long time! But he did it out of fear and shame rather than because he was ready and wanted to. I truly hope your wife has made a permanent decision, but just keep in the back of your head that there are other possibilities too... Take care.

FriendofBill

When her actions match her words consistently, thats when you will know shes changing. until then,,,,its just talk.

Your not her jailer, so its not your job to punish.

Love your kids, support them,,and let her deal with the life she has caused herself.

pmaslan

Ditto to what FOB said.....

ASpouse

This has been coming on a lot longer than 6 months ...... it seems it just took her 6 months to hit bottom, if she has in fact done so, I'm not so sure.

Cynay

I have to agree....

Your life is just now getting stable, there has been alot of chaos going on for a long time for both you and your kids ....

I would not give up that peace because she is 4 weeks remorseful.... let her walk the walk and when she gets a year sober and she is coming from a place of strength and not weakness... then maybe talk about it.

Most people will do anything/say anything when they are coming from fear. You are not punishing at all, your doing what you should and taking care of yourself and your kids.

DesertEyes

Nothing I can add guy, I agree with everybody else. My x wife left me for her own "romance", so I can understand a little of what you are feeling. Perhaps an Al-Anon sponsor would help you work out your feelings.

Mike :-)