prodigal

I was absolutely crazy about my husband before we became intimate. We met in March '01 and were just friends until end of October '01. To this day, he thinks I was nothing but a gold-digging bitch. He told an addictions counselor (in his last detox - April '05) that he FINALLY believed I loved him.

Yeah, after I'd put up with all his abuse, stood by him, went to the wall to get him in rehab so he wouldn't loose his job. It may sound weird, but beneath the disease I love him. However, in the 40 days he remained sober, I saw how detached and ill-at-ease he was around me. It was as if he was being polite to a stranger ... certainly not physically or emotionally intimate as a man should be with his spouse. The one time we were intimate was after he saw his V.A. counselor. I think the counselor told him to be sexually intimate with me. It was as if a robot was making love to me.

On the other hand, I realized he was suddenly dealing with his own demons and newfound sobriety. After 40 days .... he was no longer under the auspices of Baltimore district, but had been "officially" transferred to Los Angeles district (Corps of Engineers), even though it would be about four weeks before he reported to work officially all the way across the country.

I came home on that 40th day and he was drop-dead drunk. I begged him to go to detox, but he refused. Why? He had blown smoke up a lot of well-meaning counselors and friends in order to slither through the cracks to get to a new geographical area to protect his addiction.

None of us realized it. He is beginning to degenerate back to what he was prior to our leaving the East Coast. I am planning to divorce him and move back east. I see no indication whatsoever of a desire for him to get better.

So how do I get through the pain? How do any of us get through it? Simply the grace of our Higher Power and support of friends? I finally said, "Enough is enough." I am NOT conflicted. The only conflict will be the grief and pain I will have to endure at losing someone who had such great potential to be a wonderful husband. But that is merely a codie dream....

P.S. - I no longer try to convince him I've always loved him. Why bother? He hates himself, so why would he believe anyone could love him?

lojomama

Prodigal - I'm so sorry to hear what you went thru...I cannot imagine what it would be like to be w/someone so long w/o them believing you love them. But kudos to you for having the strength to end it & start anew.

Greenbug

Kudo's to you!!!

Keepin you side of the box clean! It must be hard to be so close with someone and watching this happen before your eyes. This is tough, there is a fine line with enabling and helping. I am sure you were helping, but it sounds like now you were unknowly enabling him.

Protect yourself, stay focused you on. He has made up his mind already.

I wish you both well.

~GB

Zoey

It is a form of grief IMO. it is so hard, but it is life. Grief takes what it takes to work through, each person is different. real bummer.
HUGS

jojo

I left mine and moved 600 miles away. The distance really helped me. It truly became out of sight, out of mind after a while. I learned to quit worrying about him and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I know that you have had a rough time of it. I hope that you have the same results that I did. Take care of yourself.

Hugs, Jo

best

Divorce, separate, or stay... no matter what you do, you shouldn't need try to convince him of anything.... Just love him, till he learns to love himself.

Divorce, separate, or stay... there is a grief we all go through when we realize the loss in our life.

Take things slow and continue working on your recovery, no matter your choices in the future.

Gabe

Yeah prodigal, that self-loathing is a hard thing to compete with.
Thing is, you don't have to.
You love him.
That stands on it's own.
Whether he believes you or not.

elizabeth1979

Yep. I'm in agreement.
Addictions have a way of creating insecurity.
They dont like themselves.
Why would anyone else?

Sometimes the only way they acknowledge the love is when they get enabled. That is love the way they see it. And the way I saw it for a long time!

minnie

I have found that when you get someone who does not have any love for themselves, they cannot accept love from anyone else. The concept is alien to them. In fact, I reckon that they think that anyone who does love them is flawed. As in "There must be something wrong with you if you love me." Adds another tricky dynamic to the relationship.

DesertEyes

Very well said, minnie.

If I may toss in my penny or two, I see a "relationship" as relations between two equal partners. If my partner thinks I'm flawed then it is not a relationship. It is a matche pair of "obsession-ships". I am obsessed with getting her to accept me as _not_ flawed, and she is obsessed with insuring her superiority over me by seeing me as flawed.

Interesting that I used to play that same game as a child with my alcoholic parents. I tried to be the perfect child so they would love me, and they kept putting me down every time I tried.

Mike :-)