Brooke12

Hi,
I am not an alcoholic but my boyfriend is. I would probably refer to him more as an alcohol abuser actually because I don't think there is a physical addiction. We were together over a year and I noticed his heavy drinking immediately. It wasn't until about 6 months into our relationship though that I noticed intense personality changes with each drink. He became extremely angry, with everyone and everything, but especially with me. He would yell at me, became extremely possessive and critical of all of my actions, friends, job etc.
He finally reached an all time low when he got so drunk that he pushed me around (I wasn't hurt), scared the hell out of me, wrecked a hotel room and got a dui all in the same night. After that we had a very difficult time and tried to reunite several times, all to be destroyed by a night of drinking when he would once again become incredibly angry and say hurtful things.
Well he finally agreed to treatment and just left. I love him, despite all that has happened and don't know if I should give it another shot. He wants me to visit him at rehab and I don't know if that is a wise idea.
Could someone please give me some insight or share their own experience with something like this, or relationships when one is a heavy drinker and the other is not.
Thank you. I appreciate all of your words.

Zoey

Welcome, Brooke...

Looks like a quiet time of night here on SR, just you and me and the guests.
I would suggest you read everything on here and also try to find Al-Anon meetings.

It would be best to just get out of this relationship. Recovey takes a long time.

You no doubt want to be helpfull, so I would think it would be ok to go to family week, if the rehab asks you to come, but perhaps get across to him if he doesn't stay sober after rehab that you will not be interested or involved.
Easier said than done.
I did not have to cope with anger or violence, so I am sure some wiser people will be by later to share.
Glad you found us. This is a great site. Read and learn all you can.
Al-Anon helps in all areas of life.

JT

The thing about a relatively new relationship is that this guy didn't fall from the sky when you met him. There is likely a long history here. Do you really want to get caught up in his story? You have already been frightened by him. Why would you want to risk that again? The longer you are together the more complicated it becomes. Keep it simple.

gelfling

so very true.

Most of us have years and years invested. Lots of us stayed and it got worse. Some got better.

And know, no one has the right to touch us inappropriately. Pushing is abuse. Same as hitting, smacking or punching.

Think long and hard about what you want out of life.

Blessings

somebodysfool

Welcome, Brooke.

You won't usually get advice from the people around here telling you what to do. Mostly you'd hear "we can't tell you what to do" But since you asked...

The other posters are right. The longer you stay the more complicated things become, you cannot fix his problem, you will not be able to control his drinking, he may say lots of things to get you to believe he wants help, but let his actions speak for themselves. If he wants treatment he will go if he goes you need to learn what it means to take care of yourself and not try to be his savior. I have been with an alcohol abuser for 20 years and I've only learned this past year that he is responsible for his choices and his choices are not a reflection of me. It is a rough road, all under the disguise of love. Let's put it this way if you were my daughter I'd tell you to get out. Take a long hard look.
Read and educate yourself Brooke.

Prayers,
J

Cynay

Welcome to SR... we are glad that you found us.

Im sorry your hurting... but in the big picture 1 year is not that long a time.

I met my ex-A a little over 2 years ago now... we have been seperated 1 year and I have had no contact for 6 months. Life is good.

He was horrible, first it was the pity parties (I rescure) then the yelling, anger and being the most unstable person I have met (I could fix it for him) after awhile came the cheating, the resentments of me and it went down hill for both of us from there. I became this person Im not proud of in the least... he became just as bad. At the end of our relationship he decided to get sober (again) and went to AA. The relationship did not get better and within a month and a few weeks he met someone at AA that could better understand him... My daughter and I moved out with 500.00 from him, 2 weeks before Christmas. We did the on again off again thing.... but we both had alot of recovery that had to happen.

I choose to have no contact with him after 6 months of his on and off attitude, mind you this was while he was sober. See the thing is, even when they stop drinking it does not change the person they are. I heard it say if you have a drunken horse theif and you take away the the drink... you still have a horse theif.

I cant tell you what you should do, and even if I did ... you will need to find the answers yourself.... but honestly, why waste time. It could be YEARS before he gets it straight in his head... What do you get from the relationship that you want to invest more time in it. I was told by a recovering Alcholic and my Al-anon sponsor... if its ment to be it will be. Tell my ex to work his program and if he is still sober and working a program give me a call in a year. You may not like him then, or he may not be the person you thought he was.

Take what you want and leave the rest... but please keep coming back and letting us know how your doing. I look forward to getting to know you!

Minx1969

Hmm..sounds like my story..which I repeated over (different guys) until I went to Alanon..

The last 2 ex were alcoholics..AND they also had problems with anger...Idget is very right..they are two very separate issues..

Here's the thing..You need to work on you (regardless of the "him" in your life or not)..There is something about you that is attracted to men like that..(As I was told repeatedly "my picker is broken"..) So..if you take my experience (and many others on the board)..chances are the next guy will be very similar..

For me as I got healthier, being with a guy that was angry and an alcoholic was not an option any more..it is not what I wanted out of my life...

Co-Dependent No More, Alanon and therapy are all very good ways to work on yourself..I'd suggest all three!

I went to AlANON while I was in a relationship with an alcoholic but I have stayed after the relationship ended..It has given me a lot of help, hope, strength and tools to deal with any situation in life.

The good news is for me..I must have fixed myself..My last relationship with an alcoholic was over a year ago..Today I am dating a wonderful healthy guy who is not a drinker...we have a great relationship..There's lots of love and NO DRAMA!

Good luck..Keep posting on your progress..

maggie1958

Booke, I know all this is probably not what you are wanting to hear...but need to hear..please listen...these people know what they are talking about. I have spent 2 years in a relationship with a ABF and now finally starting to do what is right for me. I was like you and everyone else...we think we can fix things...we think we can help...and we can! BUT the one we can help is OURSELVES...for me it is getting away from the relationship. It's not easy but I do think it is what is right for me. He is trying really hard now...he didn't when I wanted to so much.....I kept picking up the pieces and trying to fit the puzzle and make it work...it didn't. He was never really violent to me unless he was asleep...or said he was...and hit me...not enough to hurt me but enough to make me realize this isn't good. He had become very jealous....and has always been very self centered....it took me a while to see that. Take a good look at your relationship....get a piece of paper and write down all the good things about your relationship and you since this relationship began....now get another piece of paper and write down all the bad things..the hard to deal with things...how you have changed since the relationship began. Take a good look...and a honest look at what you see. You will start seeing if this is a relationship worth keeping. If it is be prepared for constant ups and downs...if it's not start working on ending it. It's not easy...very hard to do...but do what you need...not what he needs. I will keep you in my prayers...they work wonders!

reader

Welcome Brooke! You have gotten some great advice! I would not rush to see him in rehab. Use this time to think about the direction you want for your life. After 15 years with an alcoholic husband I wish I done that. Don't rush into this Keep us posted Kerry

cwohio

brooke - welcome. please read the stickys on this section and also read as many threads as you can. you will find that just because one goes to rehab doesn't mean that he will succeed in staying sober. i agree with whoever posted to give yourself this time away from him to do some reflection. it sounds if you've already seen some of the devestating chaos that being involved in a relationship with an active alcoholic can bring. is this what you want for yourself? i was married to my husband for almost 15 years, saw first hand how the disease progresses and saw many attempts at getting sober. he passed away about 3 months ago from direct results of the addiction. prayers to you that you think about YOU first and how you want to live the rest of your life!

minnie

Welcome, Brooke. You've already got some great advice which I can't really add to. I did want to ask you something, though.

Why do you love him, when he displays behaviour like this?
Whatever happens between the two of you, it might be worth figuring out why you see behaviour like that as acceptable, even excusable. Al-anon, counselling, SR, reading co-dependency books could help you with this.

Hope you stick around.

meli2005

Hey, I see you are in Denver. I live in Parker. I had quite a time this summer. I rarely drink and my AH is an alcoholic. Getting treatment is step #1. My AH never got violent, he gets very wimpy when he drinks, but it's still difficult to see.

I can understand you having doubts about continuing with this person. You just need to see that they are wanting to get better and working a program. Without that, they are liable to go back to the drinking and all the destructive behaviour. I think it scars you when you observe that type of behaviour and all those crimes go along with it.

Things like DUIs and other things mean repated trips to court, probation officers, fines, etc. It seems like it never ends.

You might give him some time at rehab like maybe a week and then come to visit him. Just give yourself time to relax also, you need it after being with a person like this.

Also, check out alanon if you can. Take care of yourself.

STEPS TO LIFE

Brooke,
Quick question, did he go to teatment because he wanted to or to stay out of trouble?
Meaning looking good to the court, court ordered, and or family/freind pressure. My experience is people don't get healthy unless they truely are willing.

Very good advice in the above posts. It may be time for you to look at yourself and past relationships (including family and freinds), there may be a pattern.My opinon is, you also have to be truely willing to see the truth. Take what you want(advice/experiences), leave the rest.

Daffodil

Hi and Welcome,

Please ask yourself one question;

How much of you are you willing to give up to be in a relationship with this man.

Good Luck and keep coming back.