missy3047

Well, I came here a while back, when I was pregnant. I am engaged to an alcholic. We have a 3 month old baby and two four year old girls, both from past relationships. I am trying to succesfully blend our two families together and deal with his issues too, and I am about to break.

He decided to quit drinking after going out on my b day and comming home and acting like a complete ass. But now somehow hes gone back to it. It is even harder to deal with now than before he quit because now I know how great he can be when he is not drinking. It hurts me that he has gone back. He said he was quitting because he loves me and our family, and now that he has gone back it feels like he doesn't love us as much as he thought. He is also a compulsive gambler, I just spoke with him on the phone, he is on his way back from the casino and totally wasted and obnoxious. Its been a while since I heard him that drunk and I am not looking forward to dealing with it.

He is not violent or mean when he drinks, just happy and sometimes really obnoxious. He can be kinda rude/mean if he is in that mood. I really love him, he is my other half so please dont say "leave him" that is the last thing I want to do. I just need some support, I am starting to unravel under all this stress. How do I deal with this? How do I get him to quit again? Why can't he see how his drinking affects me?

meli2005

Hey Missy,


I know it hurts like H.... when they start to drink after you have seen the good person they are underneath the effects of alcohol. you get your hopes up and then they get dashed.

But also remember, he doesn't drink because he wants to hurt you or doesn't love you. It's not like that. I know it seems like if he loved us he would not drink. Why can't he see what he is throwing away?!!

But also remember it is not going to get better unless he wants to get better and get some help. He has to first admit he has a problem and get some help. You can suggest things, but the desire for help has to come from him.

You need to think about your little baby and your other children. Do you want to marry someone like this? It only gets worse if tehy don't get help and it starts to break you down too.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I think addictions are so hard to deal with. Believe me, I do know the pain you feel!! The frustrations, etc.

JT

First you have to take care of yourself. You can get a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, you can find a local Al Anon meeting for face to face hugs and support, you can learn to detach from his behavior while still caring for the man and protecting yourself and your children. Those are the things you can do. What you can't do is make him stop. You are powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic. You can tell him how you feel once, when you know you have his attention and you can set boundaries. You can learn all of these things by educating yourself about the family dynamics of alcoholism...by reading, hanging here and going to meetings.

((Hugs and Luck!))

Gabe

Hi Missy
Lots of great advice in the above posts.
I just wanted to say hi and glad you're here.

gelfling

Excellent information. This is the area that I usually focus on when there are kiddies involved. They are little sponges and though you don't think it's not affecting them, it really is. I went through it and my son is in recovery. He's 25.

He's going to do what he wants to do. You need to do what's right for you and the kids.

Blessings

somebodysfool

Glad you found this site, welcome.

Ditto, ditto, ditto to all the above posts. The people around here really know their stuff. It is not easy to live with an active alcoholic but there are a lot of tools out there to help you decide what to do. #1 you can't do anything to MAKE them quit. Figuring out how to take the focus off of him and his behavior and focus on your mental health for you and your kids is the hardest yet most important step in dealing with life in general. It truly is growing up.

J

Cynay

Welcome back to SR... I look forward to getting to know you.

Well you said you dont want to leave him so lets look at what you have to work with.

I happen to agree with the others here:

1. If you dont want to leave then you need to work on accepting him just as he is. Stop wishing for something different and work on the reality of what is. If you can accept him for who he is today and that he could get worse you will find some peace... cuz then maybe you will stop fighting the "what ifs"

2. Get to Al-anon/counceling/theraphy whatever your choice is ... cuz you need to get the tools to live with an A. I have not met many that can without help. Learn all you can... I would suggest Al-anon cuz later in life you might need the support of Al-teen for the girls... remember its a family disease and they are going to need more then just you to help them through it too.

3. Take the focus off him, the expectations off him, and make sure that you are able to take care of and support your children alone. Personaly if I knew of his issues this far in advance I would set things up seperately so that "IF" and "WHEN" the time comes he can hit his bottom without taking the family with him. Make sure that your able to withstand the bottom.

That is about all I can think of. I know MANY people that love and live with their A's, it sure can be done... just be realistic about it and find that inner peace for you and the girls.