mindflight

Hi...I'm new to this forum, but not new to sobriety.

I'm sure there are a few others here who've been dx'ed with bipolar disorder or some sort of mental illness. I was dx'ed as bipolar last winter. Have had it all my life, though. Juts didn't know what it was. Turns out, my mom, two uncles, my grandmother...all on Mom's side...all mentally ill, some battled with alcohol. Mom lost to it last summer.

So, I've been through a lot of changes in the last year and a half. Some good, some bad. Good was relocating, moving halfway across the country, from Cali to Illinois, with my hubby's job. He's had a promotion and a raise so far, and slated to be on salary soon. Bad was, leaving the few friends I had out there, not having any here, having to let go of homeschooling our three kids, (although the school here is FANTASTIC!), my mom dying the summer of '04, right before we left; the ensuing family rift, and losing a brother and sister in the midst of that rift. (My sister and I have been very close for years, and she loves her neices and nephew. But that's gone now. She and my brother might as well have died too. It feels like they did.

Still have one brother who talks to me-- the others basically shut us out when Mom died. He is bipolar as well, and he too has had problems with alcohol off and on through the years. We have begun to get to know each other better (he's 11 years younger than I), and are encouraging each other. But he's 1900 miles away too.

Because of all the losses and changes, I began to drink again last fall. Self-medicating, maybe? I missed the kids. I missed family. I became very depressed into winter. Then the manic phases began occasionally. I really thought I was losing my mind. The drinking was more like bingeing. Not a daily thing. But enough to numb my mind, my hurts, the manic episodes.

I am a Christian. We've found a great church, yet I still haven't really "clicked" with anyone. Except for one gal. Our kids are in school and sports together. I like her okay, but she likes to go out and have a few beers with her hubby now and again. I can't hang with her, even though she doesn't have a drinking problem, and she understands my mental health issues. (She has some manic depressives and such in her family too.) Anyway, I finally went to my pastor, anxious and embarrassed, and expecting judgement...but he was great, and assured me, anytime I needed help or someone to talk to, I could come to him. I may go again. I want the spiritual help, the help of my Lord, to get straightened out. But I do have an appointment with the therapist at the county health dept. again, on Friday morning.

I finally got on some meds from my psychiatrist last winter, and was going to therapy.It's kinda pricey, so I quit after a while-- the counseling, I mean. The meds helped initially, but the mood swings have come back again. I even got to the point of having suicidal thoughts last week. The depressive episodes are shorter now, but they are much stronger than before. and for some reason, I went back to binge drinking again. I have had an off and on horrible compulsion to drink. Beer, mainly. Anything else just hurts my head. Bad thing is, my hubby will have a few beers now and again-- nothing like me, though-- and if I start to drink 'em with him, he can stop, but I can't seem to. (He used to be addicted to weed, and because of circumstances connected with it, he managed somehow to quit. To this day, he doesn't smoke it. Just cigarettes, and he says he's ready to quit them too-- but he's having a real hard time doing it.)

I am disgusted with myself. I have made the decision to quit. Today. Now.

I don't care for the AA thing, but I'm hoping to get support here, and maybe find a support group through my church. This is a real small town, where everyone knows everybody and everybody's business. I love it here, yet I know nobody. I need friends Even just one friend.

So, that's me. I'm here, and I think I may like to be here. I also frequent Moodgarden.org occasionally, as I've found some great help with my mental illness over there. But I need help with the drinking thing. I need help. I need to quit. I need to be a good mom, and a good wife, and to like myself again.

This will be my first day sober. I hope.

Thanks for "listening" to my rant.

CarolD

Glad you posted...we love new members!

I am an alcoholic in AA recovery.
2 of my closest friends in AA are also bi polar.
I know they must take their meds...or they will continue to drink.

frosti

You'll be able to find someone at this site all the time. I'm fairly new to the site as well but lots of clean time here and lots of support for everyone. There is a forum for people with dual illness. I've battled depression for a long time so I've read some in there as well. Don't be afraid to go to AA cause of your MI, lots of AA-NA people are in the same boat. Keep on keeping on!!

mindflight

I do take my meds (except yesterday, I forgot both of my daily doses...then wound up drinking.) But, even though I'm on medication, I still found an urge to drink. In fact, it seemes stronger now that I'm on meds, than it was before I was. I think I need to discuss this with my dr.

Meanwhile, thank you for the kindness, both of you, and please pray for me. I SO need to feel His presence again. I feel SO lost.

CarolD

I had to quit posting quickly...Sorry! I sounded abrupt.

Yes... I will add you to my prayer list.

And yes...your doctor should be your guide.
Please tell him/her about the drinking urges
There are meds to help curb urges...not sure if you can use them.
A doctor would know.

The Alcoholism forum has info on alternatives to AA in the top sticky.

Blessings...

shockozulu

Just wanted you to know I'm reading your posts and praying for you. I agree with Carol. Tell your doctor about the urges.

Sugah

My first question would be: have you honestly tried "the AA thing?" I have this friend who didn't think he needed AA. He had a PhD in psychology, he was at one point in his career, director of a drug & alcohol treatment facility, and he was an ordained minister. He could not stay sober until he began going to AA and really making it part of his life. He knew the steps - rehabs all incorporate twelve step programs into their treatment. He knew all about the mental stumbling blocks - he was a doctor of psychology. AND he had God in his life. What was he missing? The fellowship of those like him, those who understood him.

One of the drawbacks of using an online forum like this for your sole source of recovery and support is that, even when you develop a rapport with others and feel a closeness, when you walk away from the computer, you're still alone with your number one enemy in recovery: yourself. If I stay away from my fellows for any length of time, my disease has me cornered and starts telling me all kinds of untruths. If there's no one there to remind me, I might forget that I have a HP to help, might forget that I have a support system to turn to, and might forget that I'm alcoholic and can't pick up a drink or a drug without surrendering my life to it.

I love the online forums as a supplement to recovery, but I believe anyone who uses this as a sole source of support is playing with his or her life. If I start isolating, an easy thing to do for anyone who likes to sit in front of a computer, and I don't show up at my homegroup meeting a couple weeks in a row, my phone will start ringing and people will let me know they care if I live or die, if I'm drunk or sober.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Little Missy

((Mindflight)) Welcome to SR!! Lots of experience, strength, and hope here!!

I also take meds for depression, anxiety, (my chart even says sever mania) LOL Anyway, the meds never really worked while I was drinking. Alcohol is a depressant, I too would have suicidal thoughts.

Be honest with your Dr. Let them know you were drinking while on meds before. Tell them you want to stop drinking.

Admitting you have a problem, asking for help, knowing you need the help of a power greater then yourself is a great start for recovery. Learn all you can about the disease. I go to AA, but there are other recovery programs out there. Find one that is right for you!!

We alcoholics understand each other. By helping others we stay sober!! You can too!! Just don't drink today!! One minute at a time sometimes!!

Keep posting!! Glad you're here!!
Missy

zorilla

that's so sad that some of your family won't talk to you.but you know that is their problem and not yours and you cannot change the way they feel.you can only change yourself.i have OCD and am addicted to alcohol and crystal meth.mental illness runs in my family too but i'm the only one with drug problems.my two brothers have no addictions but one brother had alot of mental problems.he is doing alot better after joining a church so keep going to church it has done wonders for him.i'll be your friend;i need a friend too...email me at [email protected]