requiredfield

7.5 months and I'm just starting to realize how angry I am. Hurt, sad, depressed, lonely, whatever the feeling is.. .I've got it today. Yesterday, I'm having lunch with my brother and I see the drink menu on the table, so I'm looking at it. Finally, I realize I should turn it around and stare at the desserts instead, but it's appetizers. So I'm reading those and I get to the very bottom and it reads, "Killians Irish Red.. 1.99". And my thought is, "it would be a disservice to not have one at that price". But I laughed off my insane thinking. I don't even like Killians Irish Red! (Thank god it wasn't Bass Ale) I didn't sleep well last night. I was dreaming and in the dream someone knocked on the door. And I woke up, petreified that someone was actually knocking on my outside door. I live with my folks and their away, so being home alone kinda freaks me out anyways. I remember waking up full of fear. This morning, I immediatley start lashing out on a sober friend, who I have a long history with, and I realize that I'm really angry at him, but mostly myself, b/c still to this day, I measure my self worth by him. I'm freaking out today. Not only that, alll of these feelings are making me think insane thoughts like, "Maybe I didn't do enough research, maybe it wont be that bad" "But I've never done coke, I wish I had done it while I had the chance." I wonder if I'm truly gearing up for drink.

I'm still afraid to stay sober. I'm afraid of working through this stuff. I just finshed my 5th step and I think it's ironic this is happening now. Maybe cuz I know I soon have to face my defects and start working on them? God, I'm just a scared little kid when it comes to life. I don't want to drink but I don't want to do all this work and put in all this time if in the end I still don't feel like I didn't do enough research.

I should be praying right now, but I'm fighting it. I think my addict mind is really strong today. I called my sponsor and I'm waiting for the call back so I can rat myself out.

Ugh...

Five

Know that it will pass. Writing helps and use what ever support you have at your disposal. A meeting?

If I were you, which I am not, then I would be using the anguish and putting it in to some serious writing.

Keep moving, keeping fighting, and - as many in AA say - surrender?

daddysgirl29

Hey. Don't give up!! 7.5 months is amazing - congrats! Keep posting here. Pllleeeease be strong. It's honestly (and I've said this before) people like you that gave me the strength to join here. I have so much hope, where before I found this site, I was all alone. You are not alone. You are an inspiration to all the Newbies. Believe me.

Hugs,

Five

They ya go...treasure the idea of that.

wiscgirl30

A prayer said for you... Keep your chin up!

requiredfield

Thanks guy..

I got off the phone with my sponsor a little while ago, did some praying, and I'll be sure to talk to some folks at my meeting tonight. And I'll let this pass.. one day at a time...

Thanks again
Anna

CarolD

Any day sober beats being drunk!
Blessings...

lulu70

Hey Anna--It sounds like you are starting to work through some of this stuff and I am a little bit late, but I wanted to let you know that I really think what you are experiencing is pretty normal. The same thing definitely happened to me. And I imagine it will happen to me again. What I have found is that even though I may think about drinking, it doesn't have to mean I am going to drink. I usually take it as meaning I have some sort of work I need to do, but I don't have to give in and take that drink. I have had quite a few close calls over the past few months, but by the grace of my HP, I have made it through them, clean and sober. You can too. Just don't pick up!!!!

Hang in there--