Rose56

Last night on the way home from work I had an idea. I thought wouldn't it be nice if hubby took full responsibility for Christmas this year. He could budget the funds, buy the gifts, get them in the mail to far away loved ones, get the tree, decorate, ...........the works. WHen I got home I sat down in front of the TV with the dinner that hubby had prepared(hubby is out of work) and we started watching a show. In the show, the characters were buying a Christmas tree. So I decided to tell hubby my idea. He went ballastic, started shouting about how I disrespect him, how he participates in everything that needs to get done, how he does all the housework etc. He was so upset he was spitting in my face. And of course he yelled about getting no sex. While I didn't expect him to like the idea, I didn't expect the explosion. He had been drinking his usual 5-6 tall beers.

Background - he has been out of work for about 4 years, he does do much of the housework and the grocery shopping, but I still do some. He is really sensitive about being respected.

However, I have done all of the Christmas work for the past 22 years.

I have been under tremendous strain at work over the past three months and doing a fair amount of business traveling. I just don't need pressure and yelling from home - and I don't need pressure about sex.

So here is my question - am I insensitive? I try to understand what the right thing to do with this marriage. He meets a small amount of my needs, but he is so negitive. I so wish I could explain exactly how it is at home and you could tell me what to do. I feel like such a failure in this marriage. Why should I still be with this person after questioning my choice for 22 years?????????

minnie

Rose, sweetie, can I share something with you?

I am currently exiting from the business partnership with my ex. That means i am doing no "new" work and so am kinda working part-time from home. I share a house with my brother who works full-time. Imagine he came home from work one day and said "I have decided that seeing as you don't do much work all day and I do, then it would be nice if you took full responsibility for the housework and cooking dinner every evening." Let me tell you, my reaction would not be pretty.

On the other hand, if he said "I am really exhausted working such long hours and then having to go 50/50 on housework and meals, can we find a solution?", he would be much more favourably received.

Does that make sense?

Rose56

Thanks Minnie, I hear you. This is so hard for me, because I truely believe that he should be working. My belief system is so firmly seated in working hard, in overcoming obsticles, against all odds kind of stuff. So his victim attitude of I can't be retrained, boo hoo, there are no decent paying jobs for us uneducated middle aged white men, doesn't hold much water with me. Besides we really need the money, with two kids in college, we am going down the tubes.

Ok, I can see this past paragraph is a defensive come back. Darn, I do feel defensive. I wish I could respect him, and I do in some ways. But I don't want to have to be so careful with what I say, in fear of offending him. OK, here I go again being defensive. I will think more on this, God help me with my attitude.

minnie

Rose, I do understand how frustrating it must be for you and I am not for a minute saying that you shouldn't have those feelings. I just wanted to point out that the reaction you got from hubby was perhaps not unnatural for anyone. Add in the fact that he undoubtedly feels pretty worthless (rightly or wrongly) about not providing for the family, then it is not surprising that he blew up. We need to be watchful about our own part in these situations, hon.

Have you tried talking with him about your concerns without being confrontational? Big ask, I know, but if this way isn't working......

(((big hugs))) for you today.

Rose56

Thanks Minnie, I will try to talk to him today and apologize for my suggestion. I have talked to him about my concerns and he has listened. His positive suggestions center around our giving up what little we currently have. Where I would like to have a little more. This situation is really hard for me. He has recently sold his motorcycle so that we don't have that expense and so that we can use the money for the family. I know he sees this as the only sacrafice he can make for us. I see it as him giving up on ever working or improving our situation. The money is not enough to make a real difference in our situation.

I know he is in pain over the situation. I know I love him, I think he is funny, and kind, and he loves me. But it is so hard to see him depressed and giving up on life, and it brings me down too. I pray everyday for guidance and I still feel I don't know what to do. Why are my prayers unanswered? Is it too much to ask for a clear direction in this relationship? Am I too wounded to ever get it right?

TomsGirl

Maybe if you explain it to him that you need his help to do it. Tell him his sharing the responsability would mean so much to you and that his help is important. Making him feel that he's needed and important. I know my ex husband left all of Christmas to me. Decorating the tree was my job yet he certainly felt fine about criticizing when I was done. I remember my first Christmas with my current husband. He jumped right in and wouldn't even dream about being left out in decorating the tree. He was sort of overwhelmed by my reaction. I was oh so grateful that he wanted to do it with me.

OH well, don't know if what I've said has helped at all. I'm just so new at talking about it all to anyone. Thanks

GettingBy

Maybe try letting go of it for a bit. It does sound to me like you've got the stopwatch running, as you sit and wait for God's response to all your prayers. The answers will come, on God's schedule not yours.

I know for my husband, when I let go of my expectations of him, and let him be just who he could be, and wanted to be, he surprised me by actually EXCEEDING my expectations! The demands I had been placing on him made him feel like nothing was every good enough, so why bother trying? Ya know? So I learned to let things go... no more nagging about the garbage, no more nagging phone calls begging him to come home. Accept him, good, bad, and indifferent. Whatever he offers, take it, but don't demand more. Express what I'd like to have happen and then let it go. And then... turn all my attention back on me, how can I be better? What can I do to make myself happier, more peaceful?

Demeter posted this quote in another thread and I thought this may help you a bit.
Take a deep breath, and let it go. See how good it feels to release all that pent up energy. It really helps settle your body and mind.

Take care,
Shannon

Rose56

Thanks all for your thoughts. I called him this morning and apologized. I told him that I didn't intend to make him feel like he doesn't participate in all aspects of our life, because he does. That I was just feeling overwelmed about the "task" ahead and daydreaming about someone else handling it all. He was very receptive and was glad I called because he was upset about me discounting his efforts. He was very gracious about letting it go. He did remind me that he decorated the tree last year on his own. Yikes! How soon we forget.

Yes, Gettingby sometimes I am standing with the stopwatch - mostly when it hurts a bunch. I know God is there, sending direction my way. Luckily today I came here, where she can use you all to get the message across. Thanks for hearing me and responding so compassionately.

Oh, the sequel to the story is that hubby then offered to pick up our daughter from college at 2pm today so I didn't have to get stuck in traffic at 5 pm. Yes, I know, what was I thinking?>....................

GettingBy

I think we've all been in that same situation. When I start getting upset, mad, nitpicking at my husband, that's a signal to me that I'm losing my focus. I'm letting my life be too dependent on what others do or don't do. Changing my own behavior/responses/actions/words/etc is the ONLY way for me to really find peace.

I'm so very happy that you were able to really let go, and find compassion! It's wonderful to hear how your husband has responded as well!

It works if you work it.... so work it, you're worth it!

:-) Shannon

reader

My husband does all the wrapping of gifts. I think I would have difficulty trusting him to do all the xmas shopping, his taste is in his mouth. lol Kerry

Seeking Wisdom

Rose
I can appreciate your frustration and I am glad to hear things are improving. This past year my husband's health badly deteriorated due to alcohol. He ability to work is minimal as a result. He developed serious vision and memory problems along with numerous aches and pains. He is angry and moody all the time. He would not have had a job in years if we didn't have our own business since he can't stop drinking during the day.

The result of all of this; I suddenly got to run 2 businesses by myself, take care of our home, all personal responsibilities, all meals, shopping plus take care of 2 kids all by myself. I also had to squeeze in endless trips to doctors' offices for my husband. This while trying to cope with an angry volatile alcoholic that keeps popping into the office creating chaos. I am exhausted trying to do everything plus the long hours with sometimes only a few hours of sleep. I get no support from my husband that only cares about his own needs. He offered to take my youngest son for a haircut a few days ago, then never showed up .. I got that job as well. The last 2 Christmases, I got to do all the shopping and the kids and I put up outside and inside decorations. He did help a little with wrapping.

One has to wonder sometimes, when do we start taking care of ourselves and stop paying the high price for our spouse's bad choices. For me it will be when my children are grown and financially on their own ... until then I will be working long long hours and trying to do it all on my own. My reward is everyday knowing my kids are doing okay and I can take care of them ... it terrifies me to think what might happen if I wasn't able to.

I know most stay at home moms are expected to care for kids (a full time job itself when they are young), do all the laundry, get all the groceries, do all the cooking, do all the cleaning ... as well as plan and shop for all birthdays and do almost everything for Christmas. The husband primarily is working at his job while she does most everything else. This was my life when my kids were young. I received no encouragement or appreciation from my husband. Many times as women, we get stuck doing too much .. we put our well being last ... especially when married to an alcoholic.

JT

Hi Rose!! I miss you!!

You and I have talked at length about all of this and you know how I feel. His reaction was over the top if you ask me and I wish you had not apologized...or at least I hope you made the point that you are overwelmed. My word...4 years, now?

I get that you were daydreaming about someone else doing it. Ward works and I would love to hand over all of the holiday work! Any man with a stay at home wife would fully expect/demand not to have to do any of that. What is the difference here? If he can't or won't support financially then supporting in other area's is not too much to ask.

(((hugs)))

Rose56

Hi JT!!!!!!!! I have missed you too! Not sure why I have been away. I agree that his reaction was over the top, a result of tremendous guilt I think. Yes, we have discussed the whole not working issue at length, and yes 4 years. I have given this a lot of thought and continue to struggle with the internal conflict. I want him to be working, but I do benefit from still being in relationship with him.

He does 90% of the cleaning of the house and 100% of the yardwork. He does 100% of the cooking and most of the food shopping. He runs errends for me during the week, takes my books back to the library, sends packages, gets the oil changed on the cars etc. He also walks the dog. He does most of what it takes to run the house. He thinks that I discount all these efforts because I keep harping on his not working.

A couple of days later, he told me to make a list and he would go to the store during the week when it was not crowded and buy the Christmas gifts. It's not perfect, but we both are still trying to compromise with each other.

This is what encourages me the most, is that I continue to feel love for him and that he feels love for me. I watched a movie recently, Shopgirl, and the main character was in a relationship with an older rich man. After awhile, she realized that he never would love her, she asked him, "why don't you love me?". I realized in that moment, that being loved is a precious gift that my hubby gives me. He does love me, I know this. I took it for granted, but it is no small thing. In spite of his alcoholism, he finds ways to love me still.