bahookie

? Last night the same old hurtful things were spewed out in my direction. I knew they were all rubbish, I saw them for what they were and although I cried a few tears of frustration, I felt no hurt.

I'm not sure if I like it.

I'm scared that the walls I've had to build around myself have muffled my feelings and will become my prison.

How do you know the difference between freedom from the madness and an absence of emotion?

Jane
xxx

gelfling

Hi Jane,

I went through something similar. I called it detachment. It's a big issue for me. I felt I was being a cold hearted b*tch. The one thing that I realized through my group of alanoners, I was not detaching with love.

The trick for me is to be able to detach and feel no regret nor guilt. I have to know when I detach, I'm doing it for the love of myself and for the person I'm detaching from. Does that makes sense?

Blessings

Sophia57

((((((((Jane)))))))))

Change is a scary thing and maybe you need those walls of self-protection just now. You're not in a prison of your own making, you're looking after your own lovely self.
When you don't need the walls any more, they'll disappear or gradually fade away, like magic. Don't be afraid, friend.
S
x

minnie

nuff said. Why should they hurt?

I know when I get all the nonsense thrown at me, it is not necessarily designed to hurt, it is designed to draw me into the chaos and to manipulate.

I choose not to be part of the madness. That doesn't make me a cold hearted b*tch. It makes me healthy.

bahookie

arg sense being spoken to me and me understanding
Whatever next?

Actually, I feel a lot better after reading your replies. Thank you!

I guess it's just weird to have something work with no struggle...

thank you
J
xxxxxxxxxx

pmaslan

sounds to me like detachment...
(((Jane)))

bahookie

Actually, I've just gone and had a cup of tea, and I had to come back, because I'm feeling ever so slightly chuffed with myself!
When I got home tonight I thought I should be hmmmm.... in a bad mood about last night. It was easy to slip back into being normal though.
I made my points last night about lines not to be crossed and look, my bounderies are being respected.
This is so much better

I'm really grateful for this place, and all of you.

Jane
xxxxxxxx

bahookie

yes, that does make sense. I'm feeling daft now for feeling guilty that I wasn't upset lol is that not insane?

Jane
xxx

bahookie

! yip indeedy! I took no part and it drifted away - I wasn't dancing the dance

come on, admit it, you're 105, aren't you?

Jane
xxx

minnie

Big Gold Stars for you, my girl.

You say it's not been a struggle - is that really true? I know for me, it's easier now, but it took me a lot of hard work to get there. Don't do yourself down over about the amount of mental effort it takes to get to this place.

And no, I'm not 105, although I feel it somedays....

cwohio

jane - weird how well some of this recovery stuff works when we work it! of course it felt strange - but i'm glad it is working for you. i felt the way you did at first - but why should we feel guilty about taking care of US?

bahookie

Hey
you know, honestly last night wasn't a struggle. What usually happens just didn't happen. I felt removed slightly, looking on at a weird scene with no logic, no sense.

It's been an ENORMOUS struggle to get to this point. I've spent months and years with knots in my stomach after every insane argument and mud-slinging session. I've spent days apologising and not knowing why.

this is a massive change in me - from the effort of trying to disregard every impulse to react to the suprise of last night when it all seemed to come together, just because that's me.

does any of that make sense?

Jane
xxxxxx

minnie

Total sense.

And I didn't mean that it was a struggle last night, but that the learning up to now has been hard.

Feeling removed is good. Because you aren't actually removed, you are just not so enmeshed.

Remember this feeling - it will stand you in good stead.

cwohio

yep - makes perfect sense to me - means you are going forward and not getting hooked into the insanity.

bahookie

Wish I could stay on here longer, but got 1st year maths homework and 5th year physics and .........chemistry (yuck!) to help out with.
I always hated chemistry.

I will keep hold of these feelings. They are good and today I feel ever so slightly taller.

Jane
xxxxx

cwohio

ugh - have fun - better you than me!

cupowater

I know EXACTLY how you feel! Sometimes I feel guilty about how much I DON'T feel emotions about it. There is nothing I can do about it! I just take care of me!

minnie

But the whole point of the "game" is so that you DO feel emotions, that way you can be manipulated. Why feel guilty about not falling for the manipulation?

cupowater

I don't feel guilty about that. I feel guilty because I feel I should care more then I do. Does that make sense?

minnie

Why should you care more that you do? You feel what you feel. Goodness knows, living with an active alcoholic sure can kill a lot of the good feelings.