lynnbo

My son is in AA and has been sober for 3 1/2 months. I am so proud of him. I know he is getting close to the step where he has to apologize for the things he did to me and his dad when he was drinking. I don't want to say the wrong thing. I want him to know how much he means to us but I don't want to just blow it off like it didn't really hurt us. What is the best thing to say to him so that he knows we were hurt but that we love him more than the hurt he caused. I want him to know I forgive him. If you have any advice on this subject, I would appreciate some insight.....Thank you.....
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gelfling

When my son hit that step and apologized to us, I hugged him and told him I was proud of his progress in the steps and his sobriety. I didn't feel the need to let him know how much he hurt us. They already know. And believe me, it hurts them too.

Blessings

Cynay

What is the best thing to say to him so that he knows we were hurt but that we love him more than the hurt he caused. I want him to know I forgive him.


Sounds to me like telling him what you just told us.

I would not worry about it so much now. You never know when/if that is going to happen. We know in the steps it will come up, but we dont know when he will be ready or able to do that. One day at a time and when it happens you will know what you want to say.

lynnbo

Thanks so much for the replies. Your responses were pretty much what I thought but just needed to hear it from someone else. It makes me feel good that there are other people with the same experiences as me. Thanks again.

Pick-a-name

..what everyone else said. Just wanted to say how happy I am for you AND him and his recovery!

meli2005

I think the further in sobriety they get the more they realize how they hurt people. My AH has been sober a little over 60 days and when we talk of the days when he was drinking, he is more sincere about how it hurt me than he was say 30 days ago. As they become clearer from not drinnking, I think they began to feel pain like any other normal person does and start to see how their actions affect or have affected others.


I would be supportive and tell him how proud you are of his progress/sobriety and that he did hurt you, but it is so good now to see his progress and to keep it up. Give him a hug!!

I don't think talking about how it hurt you is a bad thing. It's good to get it out in the open, but don't dwell on it forever. I think talking about it allows us to move on and get over it otherwise we could end up with a lot of pent up anger issues, etc.

splendra

I am hoping it will be a little while yet before he works the amends step because 3.5 months is hardly enough time to work the first 3 steps ya know and the steps that follow are all steps that take work and thought.

The making amends step is step #9 and it takes most people close to a year of sobriety to get there some even longer. I guess what I am trying to say is don't try to anticipate his steps in recovery. Maybe if you start working a program for yourself you won't be concerned as much about where your son is in his recovery. Maybe alanon's program could help you focus on yourself and your recovery. Just because the alcoholic stops drinking does not mean the family will get well on their own..

lynnbo

Thanks for the insight. He also told me yesterday how good it is to wake up in the morning and not have to go see if he put another dent in his truck the night before. That just broke my heart that he was that bad, but in my heart I did know he was pretty bad. But it made me smile that he realizes that now. I guess I am just a mom and worry about saying the right things to him. I used to worry about making him mad because I never knew what he might do when he was mad. His drinking always got worse when he was angry, worried, etc. I am just so thankful that he is getting better. I do know he is on the 6th step in his 12 steps. I was just thinking about him saying he was sorry, He has said it to me already, but just in response to us talking about the past and I was worried about saying the wrong thing. He is so much more open to talking about things than he used to be.