FormerDoormat

Clancy shared an article with me this evening called "Charming is the Word for Alcoholics" (aagrapevine.org) and it confirmed something that I always knew about Richard--that he was very sensitive and easily hurt. And I was drawn to him because of that. Because I, too, am sensitive and easily hurt. Only I don't find solace in a bottle of booze. I find solace in food, and lots of it. I've been obsessed with food my entire life. Sure, with hard work and lots of deprivation, I can shed the pounds and reach my optimum weight. But I can't seem to do that for life.

When life gets tough for me, I always return to the one thing that comforts me--food. When I met Richard I immediately sensed his vulnerability. When I looked into his eyes, I could see a mirror image of myself. It was obvious to me that he'd been hurt badly and because of that he made a concerted effort not to hurt others.

I knew that he would be accepting of my compulsive need to eat. And more than that, I knew that he'd never fault me for it. Never utter a word about it because he knew that would hurt me to my core. And he never did.

I chose Richard as my partner because he was vulnerable and sensitive, kind and gentle, sweet and loving, because I knew he'd never hurt me on purpose, and because I loved him. I didn't accidentally choose an alcoholic as my partner. I chose him on purpose.

So my question to you all is, why did you choose your alcoholic partners?

Zoey

Love happens, I tried to love 2 very nice men, didn't work.
Never regretted loving the love of my life.

I said to a psychitrist once, "I suppose my love could be called an addiction??"
He said. "No! Love is love."
Years later I wondered if he had learned for himself.

I do know, had there been one speck of violence or a tiny threat, I would have been gone.
We did not have childern so I was free to go at anytime.
So I do hurt badly for those with childern, and I soo know, I have not walked in others shoes.
Hugs to you and Richard, Jill , Lv Ya

PS: To answer your question, I don't think I made a choice, the sparks flew and that was that. (Thats why I say "Love happens"

equus

I did and I didn't, or more accurately I didn't and I did.

I'm not sure where the question begins, the moment I knew D was the only husband I would ever have or want came years after I first loved him, first rejected any idea of him as a partner because of the drinking.

That time all those years ago is all mixed up. In just under a year I met a man who was gentle and caring, then I met a genius - the real deal, then a man so ordinary who loved daft cartoons (only daft ones - Warner Brothers!), then a man completely alone, ashamed, guilt ridden, self hating, dehumanised by so many people. Briefly (very briefly) he fought but lost and didn't want to survive, I watched what looked like the final dive out of reality and life. It was all the same man, I just learned nothing is simple.

I had a line I didn't cross, maybe something inside me knowing it wouldn't have been right. I never took or wanted him as a partner but I loved him, it hurt more than I knew was possible to think of his life finishing, something so rare and so exquisite. I wanted him somewhere in this world whether I knew him or not. I crossed other lines though - the night in one brief attempt to stop drinking when he hadn't slept for days he wanted a hug. We were just two friends trying to figure out how to get him to sleep, in the end he slept in my bed. I felt his weight loss, curled round him and hugged, eventually he slept but I just hugged and grieved. He left uni and the whole town not long afterwards, he figured I was hurting, figured it was his fault, removed himself.

He was beautiful but gone, I never had another friend like him (and I DON'T mean the drinking or problems, I mean HIM). I didn't want other men, they annoyed me or frustrated me for no more reason than them NOT being a friend like that, not being as gentle, clever, funny, kind, rare, not being my friend. A decade went like that, I decided to be alone rather than settle for someone that really didn't hit the spot. I wondered sometimes if that was a mistake but when push came to shove I couldn't be with someone I didn't want.

Ten years, early Feb I got an email asking if I was ............... who went to ..... Uni? HE WAS STILL ALIVE!! Then I got in contact, then I still held my boundary sure he'd be in a hostel or hospital but he wasn't.

NOTHING was the same as then. Nothing has been like then (10 years ago) since - the difference through all that's happened the last years is he fights now, he wants to live, he wants to keep going THAT is one HUGE difference. Now he gets himself in more trouble trying to sort himself out than by throwing the towel in!

I chose him because he is beautiful, I love him. I choose him day after day without regret because the more I learn the more I understand his courage and character and I couldn't wish for more. I'm aware what mentally ill means to most people or alcoholic, I'm aware it means to THEM I settled for less but I know he isn't less, actually he's had to become more to survive.

From the first day we met D has taught me, the difference between fusion and fission, molecules and movement, phiolosophy and logic. Most of all he's shown me a compassion I didn't know existed, I learn how to treat others from this very quiet unassuming, genius who battles every day to wagon his own mind.

No regret - I chose D. I choose him more now than I did then, I'm shamelessly proud of him. I think second chances are rare, I think he offered me that as a wedding gift - the second chance he gave himself, he stayed alive and found me.

Jazzman

I have known M most all my life. We grew up in the same neighborhood and her brother was, and still is, one of my bestest oldest friends. We dated when we were much younger and I fisrt loved her, (I think I loved her) when I was 20. Our paths crossed again when I was 22 but it still didn't stick and we went our separate ways again. I would actually dream about her occasionally during my 1st marriage of 13 years. We came together again when I was 38, for the third "round" of dateing and this time it stuck. (I think the last time it stuck was really becasue she needed rescuing).
I once visited my Father when he was in rehab years ago. M and I were together at the time and she wanted to come with me and say hello to my Father and wish him well. But only family members were allowed to visit so M waited for me while I visited w/ my Father. During that visit, it was the ONLY time my Father EVER told me he was proud of me and he loved me. I can't speak to destiny or fate, only what I have "observed" through living my life. I find it strange that looking back now, I was face to face with what would destroy my own marriage to M twenty some years in the future. Weird huh?
*Twilight Zone theme song playing in background*
I wonder if fate or destiny had anything to do with me choosing M. I wonder if I ever loved her. Still don't know for sure.

TexasGirl

I picked my husband because he was so different from anyone I had ever known. I grew up in a tiny town (about 200 people), and we were really good. I did try drinking a few times my last year in high school, but we really were good kids. My parents and I had lived in the same house in that same town for all of my 18 years at the time. They had the same routine my whole life, day in, day out. So when I went to college and 2 years later met my H, I loved how crazy he was. He would tell me stories about drinking during lunch while in HS, skipping school to go to Mexico and drink, living in 21 different places in his life, playing video games in a bar while his parents had "beers," and I thought it was so cool. Here's this small-town girl who had never seen anything, and I saw that being with him would never be boring. I envisioned us seeing the world together, or rather him showing me all the places I'd missed anyway. I'd never known an alcoholic, and I never dreamed that he might be one. Shame on me, but I had that stereotypical perception of alcoholics since I'd never been around it. We had a blast together! We went out almost every night (I was in college). Fast forward six years (4 married). Going out got old. Drinking too much got old. Taking care of him got old. Watching him drink got old. And this February, I started to read about and discover alcoholism, and I came to SR.

gelfling

I wanted to rescue him. From a failed marriage; from the grief he suffered from losing his mom 10 months prior; to living with an alcoholic father.

Being the family patron saint, I rescued everyone. It was in my blood. I wanted to be the perfect wife that didn't sleep around and the wife who cooked and baked like mom. (damned hindsight)

Love played a part in the process, but not the kind fairy tales are made of. The unhealthy kind, of course. I've wondered if he ever loved me because the days of verbally expressing it are gone, but at birthdays and holidays, the cards are full of gushy stuff and signed with lots of love.

JennyK

I married James because he makes me laugh and fills every room he enters with light.

I married him because he loves me with this entire being.

I married him because he is my friend.

Cazza

I liked his sweetness and vulnerability too, and I new I would never hurt HIM. I saw in him a lot of the things I LIKE about myself, not so much of the bad. We have a lot in common. He was so accepting of me and he had such a romantic side; he swept me off my feet. I felt like he was perfect for me expect for this one major flaw, the alcoholism, which he so desperately wishes he didn't have, but doesn't have the strength or desire to fight it right now. It breaks my heart.

Magichappens

I am drawn to alcoholics, whether it's a partner, friend, or family member. It seems to be a theme in my life, whether I accept it or not. Like Clancy, I haven't been able to force this issue away by "picking" the right people. What has worked is conceding to the idea that this is an issue to deal with, and not one to avoid. Working the steps and being involved with a 12 step fellowship have given me an avenue to move toward harmony with this theme.

I love alcoholics. It's my nature. Finding a way to live with this is the key to my peace of mind, healing, and wholeness. Hugs, Magic

DesertEyes

I chose my wife for all the good reasons. And all the bad.

I loved all the wonderful, beautiful sides to her. The happiness, the openess, the laughter and the kindness. That was good for both of us.

I needed her willingness to ignore my own shortcomings, to allow me to avoid facing my own "character defects" and dodge the reality of my fallibility. In turn I was willing to avoid facing _her_ shortcomings, and allowed her to violate my boundaries. We enabled each other. That was bad for both of us.

The good things created a wonderful marriage that broght us both great joy and comfort for over 19 years. The bad things slowly built up and corroded the foundation we never built.

Now I have the opportunity to correct those shortcomings I was able to ignore for so many years and become a better person than I was.

Mike :-)

Seeking Wisdom

Strangely, I chose my husband because he was the opposite of my alcoholic father ... my husband was so responsible, so hardworking, focused, honest and trustworthy - and very independent. He loved to help other people. He did not abuse alcohol until after we had been married 7 years ... beer would sit in our refrigerator for weeks untouched.
I never wanted an alcoholic husband because of my father. I never wanted to be a caretaker and never have been. The only times I have covered for my husband was to protect our kids reputations and our business relationships. Other than that, I was always a big believer in "choose the behavior, choose the consequenses" - I had zero tolerance.
My dad was an alcoholic and had the more traditional traits. He was charming, kind hearted, talented, artistic, and a dreamer .. but also was irresponsible, procrastinated and lied even when sober. Even my father didn't believe for years that my husband was an alcoholic because he didn't have an "alcoholic" personality. It was only after I uncovered the beer "hiding spots" and caught my husband in all out lies ... did family members finally believe me that my Ah had a very serious drinking problem. I learned from all of this, that there are so many different personalities and situations that you can't make assumptions. I know there have been outsiders that may have assumed I married an alcoholic because that was what I felt comfortable with ... when in fact I married what I believed was the last person on earth to become an alcoholic.

elizabeth1979

I thought he was fun.
He told me how beautiful and sexy I was alot.
He thought I was smart.

I think most importantly I chose him because I thought he "needed" me.

minnie

Why did I choose R?

Since I've started on my recovery journey, I have always said that I was destined to be in a relationship with a "troubled" man. My previous ex, who I was with for 10 years, had lost his girlfriend in a car crash some months prior to us getting together. See, he needed me. Then along came R.

I was very vulnerable at that time. I was not long out of the relationship with my ex and was lonely, far away from family and friends and starved of affection. R figured out exactly what I needed in a man and became that person. I know now that he isn't that person as he has demonstrated that to me in his actions with me and the fact that he has done exactly the same thing with his new woman. His life is a facade and he needs vulnerable women for his own sick ends. When you combine that with the fact that I had been conditioned to be a carer in my childhood, I was doomed. When his mask started to slip and his problems became apparant, then the rescuing side of me took over. He needed me, and that was enough for me to ignore the multitude of red flags.

No accident about it at all.

JessicaNAJ

I'm still trying to figure this out.