mythreesons

I have three little boys, 4, 2 & 3 mos. Everyday my husband leaves for work I wonder if he will come home and if he does what shape he will be in... he usually passes out somewhere between the side door and the living room. When the kids wake up they play on top of him, it takes about 30 minutes of their "wrestling with Daddy" before he wakes up.

Sometimes, he calls home drunk and sorry that he has missed all the buses and trains home. And, sometimes I wish that it was the police calling to tell me that he is dead instead of him calling to say he is sorry. And then sometimes he just doesn't call at all, for days.

I want off this rollercoaster and I don't know where to start.

Irish Virus

I'm sure you don't really mean this as how would you like to tell your boys you will never wrestle with daddy again. Deep down I'm sure your husband is a good man otherwise you wouldn't have married him in the first place. He needs help and hopefully he can dry out and stay sober for the sake of your family.

I don't know your life's story from your short post. But what lengths have you gone to keep the family together and help your husband before divorce is the final option? Going from my life's experience, maybe leaving him and staying with a relative for awhile is the best start if he is in bad shape. Your kids are young enough that a temporary absence from their father will not be that traumatic.

It will give your husband time to get sober and reflect on what is really important in life. That is if you love him and are willing to go through some tough times. It's too late to turn back the clock to the good old days unfortunately.

Soul Catcher

Are you me? My babies are 5,4,4. My roller coaster didn't come to a halt until he was out of the house. I know you hate seeing him that way. It's only a matter of time and those babies of yours will know too. You can NOT have that kind of abuse going on in the house with the kids. Look at it this way....what lengths would you go to protect those boys? If they see daddy being this way they might become this way themselves one day. They are going to treat woman the same as their daddy treats you. There are a few things you need to do. Everyone here says attend al-anon meetings. I personally have not gone because I have no sitter and I don't leave my kids with anyone. So I started by getting my ah out of the house. I quit allowing him alone time with the kids because GOD FORBID something happend and he passed out. I went to counseling which was a god send because I gathered strength. I started to live as if he were not alive. I focused strictly on myself and my kids. He has to want to quit and I know the thought will make you sick but you and those boys are not important enough to make a sick alcoholic recover. Only HE can do that. I know, I tried everything. Anything that your mind can come up with I tried. In the long run it comes down to getting yourself prepared to leave him until he is better. He may never be better so don't live on faith. You have to protect those precious boys.
I totally understand wanting him dead instead of the mental abuse of not knowing whats going on with him. Sorry's do not matter anymore. IF you keep going when you do finally meet someone else this man will have already scarred you for your next relationship. I had to realise by this board that I do deserve to have the family I always wanted. It's taken almost seven years to walk away. The thought of another man in my life I am not quit ready for but I know I deserve one. Get out of that situation because it will make ALL of you sick. Your ONLY job as a mother is to protect those boys at all costs. I wish you the very best. I will help support you. I know the ups and downs you are going to get into. hate, love, pity, sadness, thrilled, anger,hurt.....lots more. Goodluck.

FriendofBill

Al-anon is my solution to living with addiction.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

I do hope you will try it. It makes a huge difference in the lives of family members.

mythreesons

Here is a little back story... My husband has a very long history of alcoholism. In hindsight the red flags were all there, but I was unaware of the extent of his problems. We were having a blast partying in the city. The problems only started to come to light after we had a baby and moved to the burbs. I "changed" is what he says and I did, I had a baby, the party was over and it was time to grow up and be responsible. Needless to say he did not change. It all came to a head last year when I realized he was really out of control. We have done a full 360 in this last year, it has been hell. In September of last year I gave him the choice to leave or to get help and he chose to get help. He started o/p rehab around this time and was being treated for alcohol and drugs (cocaine) he continued with his program at the facility until January 3, when he got a "permanent" job. My husband works in the theater industry so no job is really permanent. You hustle for every gig and this was a big step for him career wise. I will give him this... he never misses work, no matter what, he has made huge strides in his career in the last 5 years. So his excuse for stopping was work related, it was not far fetched, the facility required 3x weekly group and you would not be admitted if you were late, it was logistically impossible for him to work and continue counseling at that facility. I asked that he continue counseling elsewhere and he said he would, he did not. Things went along fine (for a while) and now I am in the exact same place I was a year ago, just much more tired and sad. I am going to find a local al-anon meeting to go to tomorrow and I am so glad I found this sight, I will be back. I guess it is merely another first day on a very long road. My husband just called (sober, or maybe just not drunk) to say he is on a train and on his way home, it is 11 PM here in NJ. We shall see. Either way, it's time for me to work on me and if he wants to come along for the ride he is welcome.

mythreesons

Thank you so much for your support. You are right, I will work on me and take care of my babies.