Unreal
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Unreal
Hi Everyone,
Ugh!
Well here's an update, At the end of August I started back to school full-time five days a week.
So in my life things are moving along, in the Dry Addict's life things are grinding to a standstill. Since I started school it's gotten worse he's practically doing nothing to advance himself and he's falling apart, along with our relationship.
I've found recently (during last two months since I started school) that he is getting more and more manipulative and more and more into the self-pity act.
So this past week, he's been having a certain health problem for over a year now and he won't go to the doctor for it. This past week it kept him home with alot of suffering to boot. It worries me because if left too long it could get majorly serious if not already.
So the incident that happened was:
Thursday morning I'm standing in front of a huge pile of dishes to dry, my son and I are getting ready to leave for school, I've been getting up at 5 every morning to study for a major micro-biology exam on Friday morning. The S.O calls and tells me that he's gone back to bed because of this medical thing that he refuses to go and get checked, that he's been up all night with it, that he isn't feeling blah blah blah and I realized I could no longer listen to it if he wasn't going to take action on it.
So I said I've got to go now and get ready, I'll talk to you tonight and he says Oh so that's it then? In this really pissed off voice. I said I've got to go I'm sorry talk to you tonight.
So I knew he was angry but I didn't call back. I get home at 4 usually he calls by then. He didn't, I knew he was mad from the morning I called no answer, AN HOUR LATER i CALL LEAVE A MESSAGE, WE'RE GOING OUT TO kARATE TALK TO YOU AFTER.
Get back home there's a message I'm sorry I missed I've been dying all day with this medical condition.
I call, we talk and I told him with alot of I statements how it affected those around him when he isn't taking care of his health,how upsetting and worrisome it is. He says well you've said what you have to say so i guess it's up to me to deal with it. I'll talk to you later.
He calls back 45 minutes later and says "You are getting on with your life and my life is falling apart. I've become a load for you, things are just falling apart for me here. So you should just take care of yourself and forget about me. I'm sorry I can't be the man you want me to be so you should just take care of yourself.
I told him that very honestly I was beginning to have some thoughts about things and I was feeling confused about stuff.
So he continues on saying I feel you pulling away from me and you have to move on with your life, bye and he hangs up.
So I put down the phone and thought I'm going to let the dust settle on this for awhile so I didn't call him back like I would've done before and I haven't called because I don't know what to say.
So we've gone from talking about him taking care of himself and going to the doctor to well, we should break up.
Makes a lot of sense to me. (sarcarsm.)
Thanks,
Ngaire
Ugh!
Well here's an update, At the end of August I started back to school full-time five days a week.
So in my life things are moving along, in the Dry Addict's life things are grinding to a standstill. Since I started school it's gotten worse he's practically doing nothing to advance himself and he's falling apart, along with our relationship.
I've found recently (during last two months since I started school) that he is getting more and more manipulative and more and more into the self-pity act.
So this past week, he's been having a certain health problem for over a year now and he won't go to the doctor for it. This past week it kept him home with alot of suffering to boot. It worries me because if left too long it could get majorly serious if not already.
So the incident that happened was:
Thursday morning I'm standing in front of a huge pile of dishes to dry, my son and I are getting ready to leave for school, I've been getting up at 5 every morning to study for a major micro-biology exam on Friday morning. The S.O calls and tells me that he's gone back to bed because of this medical thing that he refuses to go and get checked, that he's been up all night with it, that he isn't feeling blah blah blah and I realized I could no longer listen to it if he wasn't going to take action on it.
So I said I've got to go now and get ready, I'll talk to you tonight and he says Oh so that's it then? In this really pissed off voice. I said I've got to go I'm sorry talk to you tonight.
So I knew he was angry but I didn't call back. I get home at 4 usually he calls by then. He didn't, I knew he was mad from the morning I called no answer, AN HOUR LATER i CALL LEAVE A MESSAGE, WE'RE GOING OUT TO kARATE TALK TO YOU AFTER.
Get back home there's a message I'm sorry I missed I've been dying all day with this medical condition.
I call, we talk and I told him with alot of I statements how it affected those around him when he isn't taking care of his health,how upsetting and worrisome it is. He says well you've said what you have to say so i guess it's up to me to deal with it. I'll talk to you later.
He calls back 45 minutes later and says "You are getting on with your life and my life is falling apart. I've become a load for you, things are just falling apart for me here. So you should just take care of yourself and forget about me. I'm sorry I can't be the man you want me to be so you should just take care of yourself.
I told him that very honestly I was beginning to have some thoughts about things and I was feeling confused about stuff.
So he continues on saying I feel you pulling away from me and you have to move on with your life, bye and he hangs up.
So I put down the phone and thought I'm going to let the dust settle on this for awhile so I didn't call him back like I would've done before and I haven't called because I don't know what to say.
So we've gone from talking about him taking care of himself and going to the doctor to well, we should break up.
Makes a lot of sense to me. (sarcarsm.)
Thanks,
Ngaire
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Ngaire: If it makes you feel any better; WOW so similar to the drama going on here. I am just too tired to play his game right now (finally!),too. Actually, I feel uncertain but not guilty or sorry; just rather fed-up that a grown man is acting like a toddler.
You didn't do anything wrong; if fact, it seems just the opposite. Give yourself a break; it's his problem so be respectful enough for him to allow him to handle it himself. (Sometimes easier to say than to do, I know!)
You didn't do anything wrong; if fact, it seems just the opposite. Give yourself a break; it's his problem so be respectful enough for him to allow him to handle it himself. (Sometimes easier to say than to do, I know!)
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I realize how by that insane power play he made he twisted everything right back into my lap.
Slammed all his responsibility right back at me.
Guess I did get caught on a hook Minnie, can't figure why I should be feeling guilty.
Someone mentioned Toddler?
Ngaire
Slammed all his responsibility right back at me.
Guess I did get caught on a hook Minnie, can't figure why I should be feeling guilty.
Someone mentioned Toddler?
Ngaire
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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Posts: 872
So I'm working hard at not repeating my patterns but now I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should send an e-mail or not what to say or anything.
I'm always the one who would call back and usually I would do it right away but I didn't do it this time so I'm sitting on my hands wondering what a sane thing to do is.
I don't feel like entering into the game again.
I'm not responsible for anothers self-destructiveness.
Ngaire
P.S The night it happened my phone rang once at 12:30 am then stopped. I thought if it keeps on ringing I'm not responding.
I'm always the one who would call back and usually I would do it right away but I didn't do it this time so I'm sitting on my hands wondering what a sane thing to do is.
I don't feel like entering into the game again.
I'm not responsible for anothers self-destructiveness.
Ngaire
P.S The night it happened my phone rang once at 12:30 am then stopped. I thought if it keeps on ringing I'm not responding.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Big picture time - what do you want to do in the longer term? Can you accept and still be with this guy for who he is RIGHT NOW?
One more question - has he sorted out his paperwork so he can visit you yet?
One more question - has he sorted out his paperwork so he can visit you yet?
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The famous paperwork.............He made contact with a local immigration officer who is trying to sort out his file.
The big pictue.........my alanon friend asked me that exact thing yesterday and honestly Minnie I don't know.
Right now I don't know what to say or do. I do know I'm not his caretaker.
I also know that when we met and he was going to meetings and counselling he was much more productive. Since the meetings and counselling have stopped a year or so ago he's back slid big-time. It's very self-destructive behaviour.
I was wondering this morning if the first year was all an act and this is really who he is.
Ngaire
The big pictue.........my alanon friend asked me that exact thing yesterday and honestly Minnie I don't know.
Right now I don't know what to say or do. I do know I'm not his caretaker.
I also know that when we met and he was going to meetings and counselling he was much more productive. Since the meetings and counselling have stopped a year or so ago he's back slid big-time. It's very self-destructive behaviour.
I was wondering this morning if the first year was all an act and this is really who he is.
Ngaire
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I was wondering this morning if the first year was all an act and this is really who he is.
Figure out the Bog Picture, hon, and the rest will fall into place.
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Uuuuummmmmm interesting Minnie what you said that he figured out what you wanted and needed.
I wonder................could be very possible.
Anyways onward and upward, I still haven't tried to make contact. One Day At a Time.
Ngaire
I wonder................could be very possible.
Anyways onward and upward, I still haven't tried to make contact. One Day At a Time.
Ngaire
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Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Originally Posted by ngaire
So I'm working hard at not repeating my patterns but now I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should send an e-mail or not what to say or anything.
I'm always the one who would call back and usually I would do it right away but I didn't do it this time so I'm sitting on my hands wondering what a sane thing to do is.
I'm always the one who would call back and usually I would do it right away but I didn't do it this time so I'm sitting on my hands wondering what a sane thing to do is.
that was the hardest lesson I had to learn..
my sponsor made me promise (24 hours at a time) not to call him..and just see what happened..
I was always the one trying to make it work..
The last fight we had I was travelling..I called to say hi to him..and he yelled at me and told me "he never wanted to talk to me again...and that he had nothing to say to me.."
I was like "huh"? ..so I called my sponsor..and the wait began..
he never called..(this after 2 years on and off)..After 2 weeks he sent me an email.."is there anything at your house I need to pick up"...
more games...
after a month I called..he said it was over...This time I agreed..
he called again..made excuses of things he left at my house..(nope nothing there)...
eventually..when he wasn't getting any response or what he needed from me..he stopped calling...
so I guess what I learned was..I wanted the relationship..he didnt..
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Well let's see so far today I have a hang up message on the phone at 9:30 this morning when I wasn't here and an e-mail telling me how miserable he is.
I haven't reponded to either.
I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to fix it, I want to set boundaries. I know I need to have the strength to follow through on them.
Boundaries are: get your butt back to meetings
get back to counselling and on some anti-depressants if you need them and talk to your sponsor.
Ngaire
I haven't reponded to either.
I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to fix it, I want to set boundaries. I know I need to have the strength to follow through on them.
Boundaries are: get your butt back to meetings
get back to counselling and on some anti-depressants if you need them and talk to your sponsor.
Ngaire
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Ngaire
Boundaries are not about what we expect them to do, they are about what we will and won't allow into our lives. You are creating a boundary to keep those things out. If you think about it he could go to meetings, call a councellor, start taking antidepressants and call his sponsor because he is under the impression that is what you want and need...again...not because he is committed to do those things.
What was it about him that caused you to split in the first place? Are those things still present? That is the question you should be asking.
Boundaries are not about what we expect them to do, they are about what we will and won't allow into our lives. You are creating a boundary to keep those things out. If you think about it he could go to meetings, call a councellor, start taking antidepressants and call his sponsor because he is under the impression that is what you want and need...again...not because he is committed to do those things.
What was it about him that caused you to split in the first place? Are those things still present? That is the question you should be asking.
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Hi JT,
What has caused this is he's doing nothing with himself so consequently has turned into a dry addict.
And yes it's still there. I know he has to have the drive himself to do these things.
Ngaire
What has caused this is he's doing nothing with himself so consequently has turned into a dry addict.
And yes it's still there. I know he has to have the drive himself to do these things.
Ngaire
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((ngaire)))
I know how tough it is to sit on your hands when an e-mail comes in, or ignore the phone when it rings and you know it is him. But for me, it is all part of detachment. It means I don't react in the heat of the moment and can gather my thoughts, just like you are doing.
I wanted to just say something about this part of your previous post. JT is right - boundaries aren't about THEM, they are about US. For example, one of my boundaries near the end of my relationship with R was that I would not live with an active alcoholic. He could do as he pleased, find recovery or not, but I would not share my life with him if he was active. He still doesn't understand this, btw, and thinks I'm a bitch for "throwing him out", but that's for him to deal with. He knew the score and is upset that he couldn't manipulate me yet again.
Keep your chin up, hon.
I know how tough it is to sit on your hands when an e-mail comes in, or ignore the phone when it rings and you know it is him. But for me, it is all part of detachment. It means I don't react in the heat of the moment and can gather my thoughts, just like you are doing.
Boundaries are: get your butt back to meetings
get back to counselling and on some anti-depressants if you need them and talk to your sponsor.
get back to counselling and on some anti-depressants if you need them and talk to your sponsor.
Keep your chin up, hon.
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How long do I ignore, until something different happens until I make a decision, until I see a response that isn't filled with hooks and childishness?
This is just so unlike me to be doing this. Not responding.
My Alanon friend it is the ultimate alanon act, not responding and seeing what happens.
Ngaire
This is just so unlike me to be doing this. Not responding.
My Alanon friend it is the ultimate alanon act, not responding and seeing what happens.
Ngaire
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hon, what do you get from the relationship? And what do you want to get from a relationship? And how do the two compare?
I know that I had to constantly check the reality against the bigger picture. That's when I could make a clear decision, rather than focussing on the tiny detail.
I know that I had to constantly check the reality against the bigger picture. That's when I could make a clear decision, rather than focussing on the tiny detail.
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