LookinforOz

Hello, I am new here and very encouraged by what i have been reading. My H has been sober 18 years and in AA for the same. Although he has been sober and attends meetings and professes to be working the program, his persona is emotionally abusive. We just celebrated our 29th anniversary and I believe that I am now hitting MY bottom - so to speak. I left him 7 years ago but was wooed back by talk of changes and I could not stand to see our only D (22 yrs old at the time) in such pain for my leaving him. She is currently in therapy (thank goodness) for growing up with an emotionally abusive father and a mother who didnt protect her from it. My worst fear for leaving is that I would be failing myself. I should be able to remain by detaching and continue to grow from this spiritually and emotionally. The eye opener for me was his statement in a fit of anger the other nite. He said I cant change anymore. And I thought that very well my be true. And after being on antidepressants for 5 years, I dare say I just cant cope anymore and I fear for my mental health if I stay, as well as I see patterns repeating with my grandchild and I will not allow that this time. Am I being a martyr?

ASpouse

I think your worst fear should be "If you DON'T leave, you'd be failing yourself".

Haven't you spent enough time worrying and doing what others want? It's YOU time now!

If he has been going to AA and he is still abusive, then he hasn't been working the program as it was intended. Perhaps he needs therapy for his anger/rage issues instead.

FriendofBill

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

You are affected by alcoholism....al anon is my solution. I hope you give it a try.

Welcome....and keep coming back!

pmaslan

Hi and welcome to SR.....

What Friend of Bill said........

Cynay

Welcome to SR... we are glad you found us.

Sounds like you spend alot of time doing what other think you should and feeling guilty about it... or maybe its my projecting what I do in reading your post.

Divorce happens, for good and not so good reasons... your daughter is going to have to learn to accept life on life's terms for herself. My daughter questions what I do or live all the time, I realized I cant live my life to please her, though I do my best ... its my best with what I have to work with at the time.

I suggest Al-anon too if you have not already... seems that if your H has been in AA for 18 years you might have or may still be doing this. You need to take the focus off him and put it back on you and being happy from the inside out, that could be with or without him.

gelfling

So very NOT true. We all have it in us to change if we want to. No one can tell us what we're capable of doing and not doing. The question is, do you want to change or would you prefer living the rest of your life as it is now?

Many of us used our kids as the reason why we stayed with the alcoholic. I don't regret what I did, but I do regret the fact that I didn't seek help through alanon in the early stages. Nor did I get help for our son who is 25 and recovering too.

It's all about you now. You daughter is a big girl and in therapy. You have to make a decision what you want out of life.

Blessings

reader

Welcome to Sr!! I am glad you are here! In my opinion, a person can be emotionally abusive even if they aren't an alcoholic. Over 16 years ago I lived with a verbally abusive man. He was not an alcoholic but he wore down my self esteem. I know the pain involved with dealing with this type of person. Could this just be part of your husbands personality? It sounds like he has been emotionally abusing his family for a long time. He also seems unwilling to change. The bottom line is that you don't deserve emotional abuse, no one does. You said you fear for your mental health, I know how you feel, I've been there. Whatever decision you make, just know you are not alone in this, you have support here!! Keep coming back here and let us know how you are doing. Take Care, With love, Kerry

JT

We don't "should" ourselves around here. Why should you. You know this man. You have been married for 29 years. There are parts of my husband's (24 years) personality that I know will never change. He is simply not that deep.

The only reason I can see to stay and detach and grow is to be able to come to a decision in a healthy state of mind. Based on your post you don't sound all that unhealthy to me. In fact you are well aware of the part you played in your daughter's discomfort. That sounds pretty in tune.

My Dad has been sober for 31 years in AA and that hasn't made him into any sort of a father at all. He has remained shallow and emotionally distant.

I think you know that he is not going to change. It's up to you if you want to remain with him exactly the way he is.

Hugs and welcome!

Beautiful

You can be in AA and still behave like a dry drunk. I lived with one until about a year ago when I just melted down. He's now *actively* working his program. It's interesting that my RAH's niece was out the other day watching our children and said to them some of the same things my RAH used to say to me. Same abuse pattern because it is a learned pattern. I sat her down and explained the phrasology that I use when speaking to them and how well they respond to that. I also told my RAH that, if I heard it again, she wouldn't be coming back. He was able to see in her patterns of his own upbringing. He was also able to see now (because he has been working his program for a while) where those phrases are hurtful to others.

I think there is a turning point in AA when a person stops doing things because they "have to" and begin doing things because they "want" to. I call that maturity.

Hard situation but I would consider looking at what *you* want for you and acting on that alone without what "other people" think. It has to begin with some inner strength that you are on the right path. The cheapest way is Alanon although there are many avenues available and I don't believe one is better than the other, just maybe a different "fit." Different strokes for different folks.

LookinforOz

Thank God for this forum. I have a severe hearing loss and had to quit attending AlAnon. I do read alot and have other family members in recovery who are "active". I also have had some counseling years ago. My religious upbringing does not allow divorce. My getting back to church during the past few years has helped me spiritually somewhat, but I struggle with guilt for wanting out of this marriage. I pray for enlightment. Thank you oh thank you for your comments and encouragement.