JessicaNAJ

I guess I’m missing the companionship with my husband. Maybe I’m just missing companionship all together. I keep thinking about Christmas and how he would get the decorations out and put the lights up….that’s not going to happen this year. I think about growing old and being this loving couple walking hand in hand….just a dream I so wish would come true.

I love the husband I believe him to be. I can’t stand the man that he is. Why did I have to make him out to be someone he’s not? Can I truly accept him as he is? I can’t force him to be someone he’s not. Why couldn’t I see this sooner?

CoDe moment……I just want to shake him…wake him up. I know he can be a better, more responsible, and loving husband. I want that from HIM…..not anyone else.

I have to accept that he is who he is. And I have to accept that who he is, is not for me.

Am I being foolish? Maybe this is all for nothing. Maybe I made something out of nothing and should have just left things be they way they’ve been. No….cause then we’d be at each other’s throats all the time. I am a better person today. But I’m so lonely.

I miss him…..or do I miss the man I made him out to be?

elizabeth1979

It may be the holidays. I think alot of people get that way. There is even a name for it, Seasonal Feected Depression Disroder, or something like that.

I love the holidays but its hard for me too.

I am with you!

I personaly miss the life I had imagined in my head. My life wont be like that with him, so I am making my life what I want it for me.

cloudy

yeah....last year at Christmas and New Years, my ex was in rehab. I remember everyone including him thought that was so sad...yet it was the best Christmas and New Year's I'd had in 2 years. I felt closer to him during that time than I had when he was in the same room with me. Why? Because "he" showed up in there, in that body, in that face, behind those eyes. Got to see him for a little while anyway....will be missing him this Christmas and New Years. But we will all be ok, remember that!

love Cloudy

nutz

play the tape to the end ...play the tape to the end...

you look up at me....
somewhere in your mind you see.
I man....I'll never be.


oki doki how about this one, then

Once there was this spyder in my bed
got caught up in her web of love and lies
spun chains around my heart and soul
ever to let go...oh but I servive
But I ain't that lonely yet...
no I aint that lonely yet
after what you put me through !!!
oh....I ain't that lonely.

or you can be like me...holly schmoly

this time is the last time
cuz this time I won't play her game
cuz this time she'll never hurt me again
every morning I tell myself that we're through
but everynight I see that it's not true.

cwohio

only you can answer that jess and i think you know the answer. i agree with sarah elizabeth - this time of year puts a blitz on us with all the schmaltzy stuff on tv. start your own tradition with your kids this holiday season - do something together - string popcorn for decorating the tree, collect pine cones for decorating.

Cynay

I think its got to be normal to go through the missing them, especially when you have been away from them for awhile and the negative things have faded some.

Thats when I remember the positive ... though there was not alot of positive, he was a special person in some ways.

Even though Mr. R and I are doing very well, there are times I still miss things about him, he was such a kid at Christmas, but then I do what nutz suggested and play that tape all the way to the end. This year I will not be alone and crying on Christmas day!

Keep the focus on you hon, make this the Christmas you have always wanted. Maybe take the kids on a trip for the holiday.... that could help make it your own.

cloudy

yeah! good points! ((jessica)) :-)

nutz

yeap, there's triggers
another one of those triggers are musics, songs or pop music/radio.
a lot of pop music are real co-dependent stuff.
I don't listen to music that have lyrics in them. They trigger too much
old memories. Then I go through that , i love her, i miss her, I hate her
spin. It drians me emotionally and waste my day.

Cynay

Music is a huge trigger for me as well, but with my trigger its listening to gutiar music... my ex-abf was VERY talented in playing.

I cant get away from it, so what I working on is letting myself enjoy the memory of what was good. I enjoy alot of what was brought to me though him and If I ever have to made amends to my ex... I have alot of thank you's as well.

FriendofBill

Holy Christmas! If I let myself think about Christmas, Id suffer way too much.

Who the heck knows what it will be like for you and him at Christmas...just keep your feet in today...this is the way things are today...but tomorrow...we truly do not know.

My ex got sober once, stayed sober 4 years.....I never saw THAT coming.....

So....keep the faith....and yes, he IS the man you love, just is under a whole lot of disease right now....

Faith it til you make it!

Cynay

You know that is a really good point... but I have a question

Are they really the person we loved, or do you think that long term addiction really changes who they were??

Jazzman

I think that long term addiction changes who they might have become. I really believe emotional maturity stops at the onset of addiction. I think I fell in love with the potential I saw. Weird huh?

pmaslan

No not at all Jazz....I feel exactly the same about the potential I saw in my ex, John.
Is that more disappointing for us....or for them?????

nutz

yeap...sherry woke up the other day and started thinking about x-max
Holly schmolly.......lmaf
Wtf woman....you didn't even buy hollowween candi

Pick-a-name

Jessica: what you said; I feel the same way. UGH!

Cynay

Bahhh I started thinking about Christmas about a month ago.

If I waited till it was here, the gift part would be seriously lacking.

Besides I have to kinda work my way up to the Holiday season... I dont like putting off thinking about things that are going to hurt, when I do that it builds up. For me the holidays are a bit harder since I lost my brother on 12/24 and my Father on 12/20.

Im doing alot better with that, now when I remember most of its happy memories of childhood... but it took time to change my attitude.

brightlight

My kids are better off that he is in our lives. He makes me so mad sometimes and I get so disappointed in him when he goes to the bar, but the next morning he is so sorry. We have good days and bad. Today he is being good and paying the bills and taking our son for a haircut. He cooked breakfast for us this morning. Tomorrow is bowling an I am sure he will drink, but I give up on trying to change him. He knows he has a problem and I am taking the good with the bad. The world is a crazy place and who knows what kind of man I would get if I went out dating and how would my kids feel about that? I already know that answer. I love him, but I miss the person I wish he would be or I think he could be. I started looking at it with the question what if he got lung cancer from smoking and had an oxygen tank or was dying. How would I treat him or what if he had Alzheimer's? Life is rough, but he is my husband and he loves us and will be there for us as much as he can. I do not want him living in a place by himself getting worse. I guess you can call it codie or whatever.

JessicaNAJ

Do you know what did this to me?? Made me start feeling sad....

Monday was Halloween. He came over and took the kids out, just like every year. Even helped me get the kids settled afterwards. Then, yesterday, both of the kids were sick. I debated leaving work to get them. They were both ok where they were, but I felt bad b/c they were sick and should have been in their beds...IMO. I knew G was off work (it was raining) so I called him and asked him to get them. He even drove to my work to get the house key without any arguement.

I called him last night to update him on how the kids were doing.....yep, he was drinking.

I cannot detach with love. I get pulled back in. Just like with my sister. Seems all I can do is detach....completely.

I know he loves me. I feel like I ripped his world apart when I asked him to move out (I know...I'm not that powerful, but that's how I feel). I love him too, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT live that life anymore. And....it is his choice to continue living his life that way. I can't change that.

Someone please tell me it gets easier. (I know it will, just need a reminder.)

pmaslan

Oh Jessica...it does get easier, really it does...
I don't have any children with John so it has been easier for me.
I don't have to see him, talk to him or fill him in on anything like you do with G.
But in time it will get easier for you because you know what you want, and
know what you will not and cannot live with.
You are probably right, I think it is the holiday thing that is getting you down.
Like someone else said earlier, start planning this years festivities with new traditions
for you and your kids......(((Jessica))))

LookinforOz

Good info here although I dont understand the "play the tape to the end" comment ?? Anyway, I don't know now if I was ever "in love" or just felt sorry for the man the past 30 years and if I didnt love him who would! I think I've come to realize that he'll never love me the way I want him to and have come to accept that. And I don't need his kind of love either. I'm sure the pain of his absence will fade in time and with friends and family support, heck even time with my dog, I can ease those times I feel I need companionship.