prodigal

Listen, I'm sick and tired of posting here to whine. I just want out. I have about $3,000 in liquid assets to my name. My attorney told me to be a "good hausfrau" until the new house is completed and my name is on the title. At that point, I could walk away with enough $$ to get the heck outta this state and this awful marriage. The house will not be completed for about six months. Then I was advised to live there for about another six months so the judge wouldn't think I just moved in to get my equity out of the house in order to move on.

I think all of us here have it tough, regardless of our individual situations. We all feel the pain to some degree. I have a certain amount of serenity, but wanting out of an unhealthy, maladaptive situation is just that: wanting out. I want to be with emotionally healthy people. I do my darndest not to outright hate this guy, but he's a total jerk. I realize it's the disease, but it is also his overall attitude towards life, which in my opinion, has to some degree always been crummy - even before the alcoholism set in.

I no longer wish to play my role. I am literally stuck in the middle of nowhere. I want to go back east to my home and get a halfway decent job. I want to complete the 12 semester hours remaining to obtain my degree. God knows, I just want to feel a sense of peace and quiet without this nut.

I think every one of us here has a long story to tell as to how we got to where we are with an addict in our lives. But I have to say that at this point, regardless of my story, I am totally worn out by a manipulative, devious, lying, obnoxious drunk.

So ... do I just let go and let God or do I take the advice of a knowledgeable attorney? I can't get out of this one-horse town without some $$, but I honestly feel I'm due what I deserve. A tough call to make and meanwhile I'm struggling....

best

Let go and let God?


How about letting his side of the box, remain on his side.

Your side of the box is clean... stop pulling his crap into your side of the box.

Let go and let him deal with his issues.

Look to God for your own peace

CarolD

I drove off with a car full of my things.

I cleaned out the bank accounts
and got a legal seperation on my way out of town.

minnie

Oh, prod. What a toughie.

How about writing 2 detailed lists? One for if you stay (how to keep your serenity), one for if you go now (and have to deal with the financial issue.) Then sleep on it. And sleep on it again until you know.

Jazzman

Prodigal, do you live in an equitable distribution state? If so, I'm not sure what waiting would do for you..

paula a.

Prod--
I too am in almost your same position. I just want out peacefully so I am willing to go with entirely less than I am entitiled to. My lawyer however, like yours, thinks that is wrong. And he chewed my butt for about forty five minutes over it.
They are trained to go in for the kill I think...
Paula

Jazzman

He billed your but for 45 minutes. It is very difficult to "manage" a Lawyer once the legal stones start flying. Some see this feeding frenzy as a major billable opportunity. The challenge is to keep the focus and effort on what you want, not what a Lawyer will knee jerk towards.

FriendofBill

How about some thoughtful prayer and meditation on this decision?

A forum of people probably isnt the right way to make such an important decision.


Good luck!

Cap3

Hey prodigal,between a rock and a hard place,inside yourself.Outside issues will never heal anyone.Money,no money.House or no house.Healing is an inside job.Recovery is an inside job.For wherever you go,your pain will follow you,inside.Are you going to Al-anon?For your own recovery.In recovery,letting go,letting God,and asking Him for direction,im clearer to make better decisions in my life.Sharring with others,and prayers some more.I no longer make emotional decisions,based on anyone,.You say that your trying not to hate him.This pain will move with you unless you work recovery.And this pain,or even da money,or no money may motivate you,push you into a direction,that later you may wished you hadnt made.For me,when in doubt --dont...until im clear..Money cannot buy peace of mind,and heart.Do as your conscious,guides you,when you are clearer,inside.
My prayers are with you,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!

Pick-a-name

Hi,Prodigal. Sorry for your frustration; I think we can all relate on some level. :/

What I hear in this is that 1. You are logical enough to look out for yourself and did seek professional advice for the best practical answer to deal with this for your best results. I would say; take the lawyer's advice, he has seen it all and knows what "works" best. That experience is what you paid him for.

2. What about taking this time to complete your degree ? It would be time well-spent and it could take all your energy and focus. Could that be an option? Maybe in a different place or way than you thought before?
JMHO

You will do what you need to do; don't "force" it is my advice, for what it's worth; haha. Take care.

DesertEyes

- Why do you need a lawyer? There's low cost "divorce-clinic" run by paralegals most anywhere.

- If you wait 'till you have more money from the completion of the house, the lawyer will be able to bill you more.

- If you don't wait 'till the house is finished, you can sue him for support cuz he'll have a big fancy house.

- If you leave now you'll put some physical separation between you and you'll be able to think with less emotions clouding your judgement.

- You can leave now and file for a "trial separation" which is not a divorce but gives you space and time to think.

- You can get opinions from several lawyers. Most of 'em will give a half hours worth of free advice in the hope of getting your business, much like a used-car salesman.

- Take a day off just for you. You've earned it big time

Mike :-)

Cynay

Wow do I know exactally how you feel!

I did it twice. Im not proud to say Im divorced twice but I am proud to say that I know I will not live in an unhealthy enviroment for long. I did the marriage counceling etc... but when its time you know it.

Now on the flip side.... My gift is what they call Mercy.... that means that Im relationship directed... and Im ruled by emotion... both times when I left, I left them with the majority of assets and in the second case I took more then 1/2 the bills. I made it, Im independant and have cared for my daughter pretty much alone since she was 2 years old... but it has been VERY hard at times financially. When I left her father I had to plan ... save .... and could not move right away, Im thankful I took the time to plan in that situation because financial stress for me is the worse.

Take time to think it though, I like the list idea. I COMPLETELY understand the attorney, you do deserve 1/2 of the assets and it will make the begining of your new life that much sweeter and hopefully you would be more easily able to forgive and move on if your not thinking every day about the "A" because of the situation your in and lack of financial security.

elizabeth1979

Prod, sounds like you are torn.
Your attorney thinks you should stay in a marriage you want out of for another year?

Think this one through...tough tough situation.

((Prodigal))

Dellajo

I lived with my ex AH for over 10 months, waiting for our house to sell, so we could finalize the divorce. I can tell you it was "cruel and unusual punishment". It made me hate our home, the house that lived in for 15 years and put it up for sale because my ex would not leave until it was sold, because he needed the money. It was so hard living with him and seeing him come home so drunk every night that I don't know how he was able to walk, no less drive. It was also hard because he did not wait until the divorce was final to openly date his girlfriend and neither one of them cared who saw them out together. All this did was really make me hate him. I will tell you from my vantage point, if I had to do it all over again, I would. As hard as it is for you to stay there, you have to think about your future and how much easier your new single life will be with more money for a new start. Whatever you decide to do, just make an educated decision and don't jump too soon.

Take care and I'll be thinking about you!

JT

Prodigal...you say you want to be with emotionally healthy people? What is stopping you? You say you no longer want to play your role? You say your want to complete your hours to get your degree? I ask again...what is stopping you? Surely not him. You don't have to run away to acomplish any of those things.

When my marriage was going down the tubes we were also building a house. I got a night job so I wouldn't have to be with him in the evening. I not only detached emotionally but I also detached physically from him. We ended up staying married and growing as a couple, but Lord knows we didn't know that at the time. I had to get my butt up and out among emotionally healthy people and away from the craziness. I call it detachment now but in reality I emotionally divorced myself from all of it.

Ideally I would like to see you make any life altering decision in a healthy state of mind. Never forget that when you run you take you with you.

((Hugs))

Seeking Wisdom

Prodigal..
I can soooo relate to your situation. My A and I share a business, a house and kids. We have to work together in order to support our kids....but almost everyday is torture with his obnoxious reckless behavior. He is the type of guy that is very overbearing and gets in your face. The more I try to ignore him ... the more follows me around and verbally baggers me. If I don't answer the phone at home, he'll just come barging into the house, even though the doors are locked, and start raging at everyone - including the kids. When he leaves he'll squeal the tires as loud as he can to embarrass us. It is a little hard to have serenity when someone is so aggressive and domineering.

Everyone wants me to divorce him, including his own mother. Unfortunately, at this point the financial stakes would be too high and very complicated. The state we live in does not offer a legal separation. I can't even get a restaining order unless I file for divorce even though he has been very physically threatening at times.
I live one day at a time and try very hard to find the positive to focus on. Hopefully with time this situation will improve and I can move on.

I can understand the need to not financial devastate yourself .. it can take years to recover from, if ever. Also, anyone can become sick or disabled, unable to support themselves ... and having a financial safely net can be crucial. It sounds as if you have a good future to look forward to... eventually... try to focus on that.

quietsins

hi,

being divorced twice... i would also recommend doing as the lawyer says. for me... i was so full of emotion that i just wanted that man as far away from me as humanly possible.. and i ended up losing out on a lot of money that would have made my kids lives easier down the line. lawyers see the emotion and want to look after your best interests.

most women divorce because they have had it in their minds for a very long time before that... you have to allow the process to catch up with the inner turmoil you have dealt with for years. the last four years of my first marriage i were horrible... except for the fact i made them some of the best years we were married. how? i went back to school. i got my degree. got the qualifications to insure my future would be brighter than my past... then i got my kids and got out.

divorce is worse than death in many ways.... in death you get to retain a sense of who they were... divorce brings out the worst in most people. it can also be an opportunity to see yourself entering a period of change and growth.

get a therapist to get the emotional stuff out. get a sponsor to get the day to day stuff out.. and then keep the lawyer... to get your half of everything else.

been there, done that... and hoping others can do it better than i did
quietsins

Girlfriend

Hi Prodigal,

I stayed so long in my first marraige because of many different reasons. But, the main one,......was because he was abusive and wouldn't let me leave. Would take the plugs off my truck every time he'd have to leave to make sure that I couldn't go anywhere.

I stayed too long. Because the last couple of years I was there, I hated him and prayed that I would not lose my sanity. He was around 24/7 and watched my every move. I got beat daily and verbally abused as well.

My kids were 5 yrs and 3 when I FINALLY made it out of there one day. By then, I was a very messed up, frightened person. He totally did a number on me back then, ....mentally. I paid for that for years and alot of therapy.

You've got to do what your heart tells you to. You are the one that needs to live with you......nobody else. Check all your options, get other attorney's opinions, go to the library and read up on divorce, do what you got to to make sure you don't leave empty handed and then go with your heart.

Good luck and ((hugs))

Beautiful

It's a toughie but this is the advice I got from a professional and, either way, it is a great form of healing.

I started living as if I was a single parent household. I did it all and even paid babysitters when *I* had to be gone. I agreed with everything my H said and created no conflict. I did as I pleased, fixed scheduled meals, and he could eat with us or eat later. I wasn't mean to him, I just didn't care about him. Because I didn't get sucked into his mind games he had no one to fight with and I got a reprieve from his sh*tty attitude. Maybe you would spend that year getting your degree? If you are intending to leave, you may find this information helpful. Assets are divided according to their value **at that time* so your attorney is suggesting that you are entitled to more. I waited and AH got into recovery. My one girlfriend couldn't wait -- she got enough to pay off her car, that's it because the equity is the first house was tied to the second house which was only partially built at the time of the separation. Her ex received the bulk of the estate.

I saw a great billboard the other day. It said, "HE WHO ANGERS YOU CONTROLS YOU"

Well said.

paula a.

I think JT's post puts things in great perspective.

It did for me, anyway.

Thanks JT...

Hugs, Paula