Krismaswish

Wow Im glad I found this site. I have been looking for more information. I have been dating an addict who has never had a sober relationship until this one. He keeps telling me he needs to "take it slow" and he appears to be moving in the right direction. I keep fighting the thoughts that maybe he is "just not into me" and cant tell me. Can anyone maybe help me understand him a little better? He tells me that if he leaps too fast he might relapse. At the same time he really makes no effort to pursue a relationship with me, but if I dont call or make an effort to see him, he is hurt. How do I handle this? Am I just not understanding him? (I read books and attend meeting in an attempt to understand what support he needs, but I never get much information on relationships.)

Anna

Hi Kris,

Welcome! I'm glad you found us.

You might want to check out the Friends and Family Forum on this board. You can find it by scrolling down the main page. I think you'll find lots of support there.

Irish Virus

It depends what kind of meetings he is attending. AA emphasizes no relationships or major decisions for a year. I say hogwash to this, but a lot of people follow it.

I don't know what he is addicted to, but I can tell you this as a drunk who has learned a thing or two in a short time. We never know when something is going to rock your world and leave you defenseless against the evils of addiction. The death of a loved one, the loss of a job, or a romantic relationship that went to hell in a handbasket: these are just a few examples of what could make a person say "screw it".

In your case he is probably being careful of not being hurt. Let's say he falls in love with you and you dump him for a traveling salesman or something. Not that you are going to do it, but this is what could set him off if he goes to fast.

Best of luck in your relationship.

Deborah77484

It must be the season - cause I'm in the same boat. I'm dating a fellow that I've known for 25 years - but over the course of the past eight years we have had "off/on" relationships - depending upon his ability to stay sober and out of jail. So, for the past nine months things have been going...just like you said - almost word for word.

"At the same time he really makes no effort to pursue a relationship with me, but if I dont call or make an effort to see him, he is hurt. How do I handle this? Am I just not understanding him?"

If anyone gives you any solid advice please pass it along to me -- I love him -- but I've been burned before. I just really want to understand this process and try to give him some type of support. Thanks - Deborah

least

I too suggest posting this in Friends and Families of Alcoholics. If he doesn't seem to be pursuing the relationship, but seems hurt if you aren't pursuing it... maybe he's just afraid he'll lose you if he moves too far, too fast. I would also suggest you give AlAnon meetings a try. They will likely be able to answer some of your questions and give you support.

Welcome!

mazz1964

I have just meet an awesome man...who has been upfront and honest with me and tells me that he has been sober(from cocaine,crack,and heroine) for 2years and 8 mnths...also he just got out of prison 2 months ago! I know this is alot to take in but my heart is telling me to give him a chance. The issues are I have three children whose father will find any reason to try and take them away from me so he doesnt have to pay the child support to me!

I have communicated my concern with my new friend and he understands!!!

I am so confussed and scared!!!

Anyone have any insite for me!

Thanks
Falling

Dee74

Hey Mazz

I have no experience in these matters but I can point you to ppl who have a better idea than I do....

I can't give you any better advice than Anna gave the original poster - pls check out our family and friends forums.

It sounds like a tough decision affecting not only you but your children.
I hope you find some guidance here .

D

Tazman53

As Anna said it would be wise to go to the friends and family section as well as going to Alanon.

If he is in NA/AA many years of combined experience has shown that odds of staying clean and sober go WAY down when the one in early recovery makes major changes while they are still struggling with thier recovery.

In early recovery NEW relationships can bring on a relapse if something goes wrong in the relationship.

Krismaswish the best thing you can do to support his recovery is to allow him to move forward in his recovery first and your relationship second.

If he is putting his recovery first and keeps it first your relationship if it was meant to be will move forward.

His recovery is nothing to be jealous of, it is something to be thankful for.

I keep my recovery as my number one priority, my entire family knows that, respects that, and is thankful for that.

If he is using a 12 step recovery program, you going to Alanon can give you a beeter understanding of the process and more common ground for the 2 of you to relate to each other.

joedris

Did anyone notice the posting date? November 1, 2005. Then we jump to Febuary 2009, then to today. Something is amiss.

Dee74

It was bumped before (Feb) by a newcomer.
The last post in this thread (post #6) before the latest round of replies, is also a newcomer, Joe.

nothing amiss that I can see
D

Wolfchild

Welcome to the Sober Recovery community mazz1964.
i hope you will find the support and strength you need.

vegibean

Amen Tazman!!!

itisatruth

Hi Mazz ~ just in case you don't wander over into the Friends and Family forum I want respond to you here.

First thing that jumped out at me was his jail time. How long was he in jail? I'm wondering because 2 years 8 months sounds like some good clean time but if he was in jail for 2 years 6 months...that's not so much time on the outside. Don't get me wrong - every day clean is good IMO but 2 months is probably not something you want to "take a chance" on this early in the game. You also didn't mention if he was in some sort of recovery program or what he is doing to maintain staying clean. These are important things you need to consider before getting involved with this man - especially with children involved. Remember, with kids, you are not only taking a chance on this man and with your heart.....you would be taking a chance with your children also.

For him, staying clean needs to be his first priority.

For you and your children, you and your children need to be first.

butterfly13

Hi everyone, I am in a pickle. So I have had this amazing boyfriend for about 2 years now. he started using about a year ago and now has been in rehab recovering for abut 4 months. everything about us was perfect, literally inceprable. I didn't completely know he was addicted when he was active. I was in denial. luckily asked for help himself. and has been doing wonderful! so into the program. But just last week he called me and said we needed to talk and said that he is so confused and has been feeling weird for a couple weeks and thinks that our love might not have been real and that maybe we shouldn't talk b/c he feels so bad for everything he's lied to me about and he dosn't want to hurt me. I was devistated. I am really looking for feed back here. is this just a phase ? I know his brain is changing in so many way and so is his life but I love him so much and we always have talked about marriage and he's even given me a beautiful promise ring. I am so confused ))): I have been there every step of the way, even more supportive than family. Will this pass ? Is this just an emotional rollercoaster ? please help ):