a27jane

Hello. This is tough, but I am the wife of an A. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married for a little over a year. I knew he was an A, but he was sober so I had no concept of the harsh reality of a lapse. Had a great and healthy relationship. We got married and within a month, everthing fell apart. He didn't talk to me, told me that he never loved me and lapsed. Moved out a few times, stayed out, didn't care about his job and health. Drank every day. I guess he hit rock bottom 2 months ago and has been going to meetings. He has almost finished his 90 in 90. Although he is sober, the damage is terrible and we trying to pick up the pieces. Our marriage has been hit hard and it is hard to bear. I feel like I have been blindsighted for the last year and don't know what to do. He is so confused and I don't know what to do. Tried going to Al-Anon, but didn't feel like I fit in. Is there any hope? Will it ever be the same?

Jhana

Hi Jane,

Welcome here. Every day your husband stays sober things will change and the ride is bound to be bumpy. You will find much help on this site-SR is a great place!

Hugs,

a27jane

Thanks gianna. It seems like there are more bumps than ever. The relationship seems fragile as ever.

REZ

"Is there any hope? Will it ever be the same?"
Yes, there is hope through AA, al-anon, 12 steps, lots of work.
Life will never be the same, but it could still be good, perhaps even better.
It sounds like the relapse your husband had would have happened whether he married you or not. So, you were lucky enough to have time with him when he was sober. Hopefully, he will be again and he will learn from this.

a27jane

I take such comfort in your words that H may have relapsed whether we were married or not. H tells me that the marriage was partially to cause the relapse. What is real or what is true is blurred. He left again because I asked him to go to marriage counselling. Sometimes I feel that maybe our marriage didn't have as much strength as I thought it did or I would have noticed the relapse. I have read many of the threads and have noticed that many couples have separated or divorced. Is that the likelihood of most marriages?

Sugah

First - no answers here. Just my own experience, strength and hope.

Alcoholics don't relapse because of change in their lives - they relapse because they're alcoholics. Sounds like your A is trying to get you to carry part of the responsibility for his illness. If he's going to meetings and serious about it, he'll see that in the process of working the steps - with a sponsor.

I strongly suggest that you:

Go to meetings (either Al-Anon or Nar-Anon)

Find a sponsor (anons have them, too)

Work the steps (the nature of the illness is to infect those around us)

You're in my prayers.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Jupiter2

Hi a27jane,

I don't think that divorce is necessarily inevitable. I drank for many years and am still happily married to my wife of 15 years. I am sober now and nearing month #9. Our marriage hasn't been this good for years. It can be ok.

Jup.

a27jane

Congratulations on 9 months of sobriety! This might be a stupid question but did the drinking affect the marriage? When my H was drinking, he wouldn't come home, he would turn his cell off, he woudn't talk me and when he did, he would say horrible things. I ,of course didn't make it better because I would yell, scream, cry about the drinking and beg him to go back to AA. As I have learned from books and this forum, he didn't go back to AA until he needed to. Now that he is in recovery, our marriage is still in the dumps. He doesn't want to go to marriage counselling and moved out because I constantly asked him to work on our marriage and he didn't want to be in the marriage. I am so frustrated because I know that his recovery is the most important thing but shouldn't our marriage also be important!!??? I can't help remembering how great things were between us. Anyways, any advice regarding dealing with recovery?

Jhana

Hi Jane,

The hardest thing in the world to do right now is back off and pay attention to ... Jane! For your husband, especially in New York City, AA can be an all-consuming experience; as you know by now there are meetings everywhere, all the time, and they are populated by the entire spectrum of the New York world. Your h probably needs this immersion, and I suspect, knowing New York AA, that he will live that life pretty exclusively for a while before he comes back down to earth and realizes that AA can help him with his drinking but he still has to get/resume a life.

In the meanwhile, taking the focus off him and his craziness has left a yawning gap in your life I bet. Start filling it for now with things you have wanted to do, see, experience. Now is your chance to grow and become a different person as well. If he stays sober it is almost certain that he will be different and absolutely certain (IMHO) that he will be a better person.

I of course don't know the details of your marriage, but I think now is not the time to focus on reconstruction. Let the dust settle first so you can both see clearly...

Hugs,

Jhana

Jane,

Check out a thread called "Brand New" in the Newcomers forum; Joelby is just starting the path of sobriety and she is having marriage problems a bit like yours ...from the other side of the fence.

Could help,

4health

Wonderful post Gianna! Don't think I could have said it better!!!

Joelby

Hi Jane,
It's Joelby...wow are we on opposite sides of the line My husband and I have been married since May. He knew how much I drank, and I kept telling him it was going to change. It's only been three and a half days for me, I'm scared to death, and I'm no expert (at least to sobriety, not drinking, but my guess is that your husband is even more terrified than I am. I only say that because as a new spouse it is so hard to fail in the love of your life's eyes...that is how I feel right now and the more my h tries to suggest and help the more I feel he doesn't trust me or feels differently about me somehow. I can only speak from my point of view, but I hope I can help you in anyway possible!!!!!!!!

Joelby

Joelby

Also, thank you to Gianna, you got me on the bus and helped me connect to another person I can help! This is getting better everyday !!!!!

a27jane

Hey Joelby. I can only tell you how I feel towards by H. My H and I met 6 years ago and he was sober at the time we met. He was sober for 5 years until he relapsed a few months after our marriage. So I constantly compare him to the "old" H and the "new" H. To be honest, even though I am so angry and hurt by his actions, I do not feel that he has failed in my eyes. I still love him as much as I did when we were married. If anything, I feel that his feelings toward me have changed. He told me that he never loved me and was unhappy with our relationship when he was drinking. One his third day of sobriety, he told me how much he loved and needed me. Now that he has 21/2 months of sobriety, he wants a divorce. I feel like he never really loved me and I guess I feel stuck. I hope we stay in contact because your views and insight can help me understand what my H is feeling. I don't know if we will reconcile since he has moved out, but I just want to understand why he started drinking and what he is going through. Thank you for being open with me and I wish you the best of luck with your treatment.

Joelby

I'm so sorry to hear this. I can tell you my drinking got worse right after we were married and until now has only gone downhill. I think the first year of marriage is so difficult for everyone. There is a fear of failing, especially when you love someone so much, I felt like now that we were married I had to continually prove that I was worth being married to. I have always held marriage as a sacred committment and new my husband feels the same way. However, even though I thought the marriage was going to make me feel more secure it made me feel more alone, I was so afraid I wasn't worthy of someone actually committing to spending the rest of their life with me. That's when my drinking started to get really bad. I just figured he was eventually going to find something he didn't like about me and leave anyway so what the hell, I'll have another. I hope this makes sense...

a27jane

Joelby, your message gave me a lot to think about. What advice would you have for me as my H completes his 90 in 90?

Joelby

Oh, that's a tough one, I guess I can say that from my point of view I'm really nervous about my life without alcohol, it's been a crutch for so many years. My husband told me last night he doesn't understand how I feel, and that I need to tell him exactly what I need from him. That was the best thing I could have heard. He can pick it up and put it down any time he chooses and that intimidates me. I told him I feel like less of a person around him sometimes because he is so in control and I'm not. Maybe just tell him you've been doing your best to help him, and this is scary and new for you, too. It might help him to understand that you're not perfect either...that was my biggest hang up, I felt like Luke (my H) was so perfect and I am not. I think it's important to tell him you love him as much as the day you married him and that you'll be there however you can be. I hope this helps. It's so amazing to me that some little substance in a glass can hurt so many people so horribly!!!!!!