The holidays and letting go
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: MA
Posts: 20
The holidays and letting go
Hi Angel Moms I hv been struggling lately with something I thought I hd accepted. My daughter who is 19 doesn't live at home anymore. I will still see her on Christmas day which I'm happy about but she will be spending Christmas Eve and morning at the apartment she shares with a woman she used to work with
tht woman's finance and tht woman's son. She moved out this past summer and I struggled with accepting this bec it felt like she traded us in for a new set of parents. After all her father and I hd gone thru with her during her teen years and a month after we hd financed a new used car for her. I really personalized it bec I just couldn't understand why she would wnt to leave us who love her and hv provided a good home to go pay a much higher rent--(We only charged her 20.00 a week and she now pays 100.00 per week w/them. I did a budget and showed it to her before she moved you knw all the benefits of staying w/us versus moving out She still wnt. A teenager is hard enough to raise with all the ups and downs of those years but when you add alcohol and drugs to the mix well I don't hv to write a book to you mom's you knw it's hell. Finally I realized tht she wnted to go there not bec they were better but bec she didn't hv to face the emotional side of her choices in continuing to drink and do drugs she wsn't emotionally tied to them as much as she ws to us. The kicker of all this is tht we hd laid down the law about curfews and repect helping out etc and she didn't do it w us but they hv rules and she follows their curfews and is in early on weeknights she does her chores in their apt etc Tht hurts tht she couldn't do it here. Anyway I cme to accept tht it ws for the best tht she moved out bec it ws really getting to the point where I needed to tell her to leave but as you mom's knw I found it difficult to do even though I hd quite enough of living with the problems tht come from sharing your home w/someone who is addicted. We hv a young teenage son and it really is best for him
and for us too if she doesn't live with us. She hd told me about a month ago tht she hsn't done the other drugs anymore but she still drinks and smokes pot so she hsn't hit bottom yet She is wht
you would call functional and she hd been at a point a year ago where she wsn't functioning at all but drinking everyday this ws the first time she moved out and moved in with "friends " last winter I did an intervention and we got her back home. I guess it's the holidays and all those hollywood endings tht hv me thinking I should hv one more "meaningful" conversation and offer our home to her again I think about all the time tht hs been lost bec she lives elsewhere and knw tht you cn nver get back the lost time. But there is risk too to this thinking bec she might say tht she's ready and really not be and then we would all be back to square one. If she were older it might be a little easier bec I could say she is a full grown adult and she hs to be responsible for herself. But bec she started using when she ws 15 and i hv heard about them being only mature to the age when they first began I wonder if I am expecting too much of her at 19
and if I should be more involved with it or considering how involved I ws with it when she did live here and how nothing I did changed her using then maybe I should stay detached. Also I would like some input about this age thing does it mean tht she will always be emotionally tht age or only if she nver stops the drinking and drugging. I feel like I should go on a rescue mission
she tells me she likes where she's at maybe I should just leave it alone. Any thoughts you Mom's hv would be appreciated Thanks for listening...
tht woman's finance and tht woman's son. She moved out this past summer and I struggled with accepting this bec it felt like she traded us in for a new set of parents. After all her father and I hd gone thru with her during her teen years and a month after we hd financed a new used car for her. I really personalized it bec I just couldn't understand why she would wnt to leave us who love her and hv provided a good home to go pay a much higher rent--(We only charged her 20.00 a week and she now pays 100.00 per week w/them. I did a budget and showed it to her before she moved you knw all the benefits of staying w/us versus moving out She still wnt. A teenager is hard enough to raise with all the ups and downs of those years but when you add alcohol and drugs to the mix well I don't hv to write a book to you mom's you knw it's hell. Finally I realized tht she wnted to go there not bec they were better but bec she didn't hv to face the emotional side of her choices in continuing to drink and do drugs she wsn't emotionally tied to them as much as she ws to us. The kicker of all this is tht we hd laid down the law about curfews and repect helping out etc and she didn't do it w us but they hv rules and she follows their curfews and is in early on weeknights she does her chores in their apt etc Tht hurts tht she couldn't do it here. Anyway I cme to accept tht it ws for the best tht she moved out bec it ws really getting to the point where I needed to tell her to leave but as you mom's knw I found it difficult to do even though I hd quite enough of living with the problems tht come from sharing your home w/someone who is addicted. We hv a young teenage son and it really is best for him
and for us too if she doesn't live with us. She hd told me about a month ago tht she hsn't done the other drugs anymore but she still drinks and smokes pot so she hsn't hit bottom yet She is wht
you would call functional and she hd been at a point a year ago where she wsn't functioning at all but drinking everyday this ws the first time she moved out and moved in with "friends " last winter I did an intervention and we got her back home. I guess it's the holidays and all those hollywood endings tht hv me thinking I should hv one more "meaningful" conversation and offer our home to her again I think about all the time tht hs been lost bec she lives elsewhere and knw tht you cn nver get back the lost time. But there is risk too to this thinking bec she might say tht she's ready and really not be and then we would all be back to square one. If she were older it might be a little easier bec I could say she is a full grown adult and she hs to be responsible for herself. But bec she started using when she ws 15 and i hv heard about them being only mature to the age when they first began I wonder if I am expecting too much of her at 19
and if I should be more involved with it or considering how involved I ws with it when she did live here and how nothing I did changed her using then maybe I should stay detached. Also I would like some input about this age thing does it mean tht she will always be emotionally tht age or only if she nver stops the drinking and drugging. I feel like I should go on a rescue mission
she tells me she likes where she's at maybe I should just leave it alone. Any thoughts you Mom's hv would be appreciated Thanks for listening...
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Altoona, PA
Posts: 70
WELCOME!!
Welcome to the boards, Sparrow!! It's so very hard to let go of our kids, isn't it??? I've been where you're at, and wholeheartedly understand where your heart is at. My daughter got involved in her addiction when she was a teenager, but sadly I was too blinded by a million other things to see it for what it was. Hindsight is 20/20, you know. Anyway, after dropping out of college, she lived alone for years---but came home when she needed me. (I always say that I have a "revolving door in my heart", and they come back when they have no where else to turn.) After kids reach a certain age, they tend not to want to hear what we have to say, regardless of how much sense we make. Sounds like your daughter is at that stage, and wants to spread her wings. Believe me, I totally understand what you're going through. Most of us on this board have many sleepless nights under our belts from lying in the dark wondering if they are okay. I found just recently at Alanon that I needed to learn the true meaning of detachment. I'm working on it---and I believe it's something that might benefit you to. You need to take care of you and the rest of your family---and just pray daily that your daughter's journey won't be as bumpy as you think it may be. Hopefully, her daily choices will be good ones. Does she have a job???? You said that she is paying more for her room with these friends, so I'm assuming she does. Give her space, Mom---to make her own choices. It's not easy, but necessary for all of you. Come to these boards often---I'm sure that you will benefit from all these wonderful people. I know that I have in the short while I've been here. God bless you with a wonderful holiday season. Much love--LACEE
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Sparrow,
Boy, do I EVER KNOW what you are talking about. My daughter is 20 and we are having a VERY HARD time adjusting to the fact that she is an alcoholic and drug addict and TRYING to have her living at home.
I'm at work right now, so I don't have the luxury to write all I'd like. Maybe we could correspond via email or private message here. We are SO MUCH in the same boat except my daughter is living at home but very much wanting to move out. We've been told we are NOT her family. Ooooo that hurts! Oh yes, how well I know.
Just hang in there. I'm trying to learn the 'detach' thing too, but guess I'm a very slow learner. I hope we can keep in touch. I know I gain comfort and strength from hearing other's stories, especially when they are similar to mine.
Hugs, gal. We WILL live through this...I have to believe our HP isn't going to let us down. Just wish the pain would go away. You don't know how many times I've looked for the table where mothers CAN resign, but I don't think there is one.
Boy, do I EVER KNOW what you are talking about. My daughter is 20 and we are having a VERY HARD time adjusting to the fact that she is an alcoholic and drug addict and TRYING to have her living at home.
I'm at work right now, so I don't have the luxury to write all I'd like. Maybe we could correspond via email or private message here. We are SO MUCH in the same boat except my daughter is living at home but very much wanting to move out. We've been told we are NOT her family. Ooooo that hurts! Oh yes, how well I know.
Just hang in there. I'm trying to learn the 'detach' thing too, but guess I'm a very slow learner. I hope we can keep in touch. I know I gain comfort and strength from hearing other's stories, especially when they are similar to mine.
Hugs, gal. We WILL live through this...I have to believe our HP isn't going to let us down. Just wish the pain would go away. You don't know how many times I've looked for the table where mothers CAN resign, but I don't think there is one.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sparrow
My addict son is 34 and it never works when he moves home, and I would not allow it again.
I know the pain of worrying and being a mom, but in the end they have to live their own lives - whether we agree with how or where or not.
You have received some good advice here on "detaching" and I would also recommend some Al-anon meetings for you. 12-step saved my life and my sanity.
We cannot change them, but we can change us and learn how to live happy healthy lives regardless of how they are doing.
My prayers are with you.
My addict son is 34 and it never works when he moves home, and I would not allow it again.
I know the pain of worrying and being a mom, but in the end they have to live their own lives - whether we agree with how or where or not.
You have received some good advice here on "detaching" and I would also recommend some Al-anon meetings for you. 12-step saved my life and my sanity.
We cannot change them, but we can change us and learn how to live happy healthy lives regardless of how they are doing.
My prayers are with you.
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