Lynnez49

I'm new to this group. I just left an alcoholic/addict after 6 years of insanity. He goes to jail. Gets clean & sober. Comes home. Relapses. Assaults either me, my children or somebody else & goes back to jail. He came home in May this time. I didn't have high hopes. I told him one relapse & he was gone. He seemed to be doing great. Said he knew he could never drink again. About 4 weeks he stared to say...what is 1 beer? And if I do get high, don't throw me out. Let me try again. After 10 weeks, he got high. I didn't want to go down the same path again, so I threw him out. He stayed with his daughter for 4 weeks, getting high every weekend and then drinking all week. He pushed his daughter acrossed the porch, so I knew the violence was coming back. He called me to beg me to take him back, but he was drunk & I said no. He had 2 days to find a "permanent" residence or he was going back to jail. He has a son with a woman he knew about 2 months 10 years ago. He went to her, threatened to kill himself & she let him stay on her couch until he gets it together. (He has attempted suicide, so she feels sorry for him & her son doesn't want daddy to kill himself.) He is using a 9 year old boy to get a place to stay.

Anyway, this is his pattern. He stays away for a few weeks & then he knows that him staying on her couch would be driving me nuts, so he comes home & I give in. I didn't want to give in this time because I know the outcome. He comes home. He gets high. He begins to drink. And somebody gets hurt. Or maybe killed this time.

I have always written letters to him in the past. Berating him. Telling him I hated him. Telling him I loved him. If he only would try..he could come home. You know. Letting him know I still cared & he still had a chance to manipulate me.

This time I knew I couldn't give in & enable him anymore. I moved back to Arizona from Pittsburgh. He did show up the next day & was shocked that I was gone. Good old Lynne took away the safety net. But I keep writing the letters. Same old thing. And I tell him that if he tries I will come home & we can start again. Or he can come here & make a new start.

My question...are these letters a way of continue to enable him? He knows from what I've written that he still has a chance with me. And that nothing has changed. Am I detaching if I write a letter a day? And is this still the insanity....doing the same thing over & over again expecting a different result. Will he hit bottom as long as I write these letters telling him what to do, how to do it & if he only calls me....I'll come home?

Lynne

Minx1969

Hi Lynne and welcome to friends and family..I know from your posting on the NA board that you are trying Alanon..which is great..keep going to meetings and find yourself a sponsor..use that call list..

And to answer your questions..Yes..It is insanity..ok so you have moved away (which is a step) but nothing changes if nothing changes..

What incentive does he have to get sober? It's got to come from him..why would he if he knows that you will take him back..you keep telling him that..

You need to let go..truly let go..Move on with your life..Let him move on with his..if he stops..he stops..You need to heal yourself..so that you don't find the violence acceptable anymore..

The violence and the alcoholism are two separate issues..just cuz he stops using the drugs/alcohol doesn't mean he would stop being violent..

Are you in any therapy for the abuse issues? Since you are in AZ I can tell you that Chrysalis has free therapy for domestic violence victims..Why don't you give them a call...http://www.chrysalis-shelter.org/prog-outpat.htm

keep posting..

Minx

Lynnez49

I know in my gut that I should stop the letters. That I am still "enabling" him. He knows that he can still manipulate me even though I'm 2,000 miles away. I've even sent him a letter offering to get him a ticket to start over. (We had talked about him moving here when we first got together.) I know I need to move on with my life. I remember when I first got home a probation officer came to the house and showed me his "rap" sheet. It was at least 4 inchs thick. He had assaulted & beaten up anybody and everybody, including his mother and his girls. He has abused EVERY woman he's ever been with. So, why do I think I'm so different. I guess my biggest fear is that I want the life we HAD!!! And I'm afraid that if I'm not there & he does get sober & clean he'll find somebody else. Even though I also have been told by all of his family that I'm the only woman that he has ever TRULY loved and that he has treated me better & we have lasted longer than anybody he's ever been with. In fact, I knew him when he was 11 -19. He loved me then, but I married another relative and left. He told me that he never got over me & when he heard I'd gotten a divorce he was so happy. I moved back to Pittsburgh because he wrote ME a letter.

Oh, I did start counseling at Chryalis last week. I go again tonight. She is talking about what if I DO move back.

If you are in Arizona, any good meetings out here? I have been going to those in the daytime & they don't quite suit my need. Maybe too small.

Lynne

Minx1969

Lynne,

Glad to hear that you are going to Chrysalis..The Fresh Start Woman's Foundation is another good resource for women (I volunteer with them)..they have an Alanon meeting on Saturday and other support groups as well.. www.fswf.org

Check out the Alanon website..There are good meetings in Phoenix, Tempe, Chandler (probably a bit further)..I'd suggest evening meetings if possible..sometimes the groups are better... http://www.al-anon-az.org/

Personally I like my Tuesday night Tempe group..

I (and I'm sure many others on the board) have had that fear of..what if I move and he gets better? Well..from my personal experience..NONE of the alcoholics in my life have gotten better..(some were abusive..although not physically)..

I on the other hand..have gotten better..Alot better..I am dating a wonderful wonderful man who has never raised his voice to me or done anything but been a loving, kind man towards me..To me..that's the way it should be..he listens, he meets my needs..

But..without therapy or alanon or any recovery..I'm not sure I would have gotten so far..

now is the time to start focusing on you..not that man..What do you want out of life? what do you want?

That's what recovery is all about..taking the focus off of them and putting it back on ourselves..learning to love and care about ourselves..

glad to see that you are taking the right steps though!

nutz

The letters are actually your co-dependcy continuing to feed your insanity.
Why do you think it's his goal in life to deserve to be with you?
Like you said, it's driving you nuts.
My handle is nutz for a reason.lol

I'm not trying to be mean. I'm going through it
This question was presented to me as will.
What are you getting out of this relationship ?
When will you hit bottom?
When will you have enough?

It's a process...detachment is a start ,but I did just like you.
I keep falling in the traps or dis-ease. i get suck in without even know at times.
Other times...just five minutes after promising myself not to do that again.
The guilt trips or hope that it'll be different this time.
Here she comes and bam!!! 2 months later.. I going out of my freaken mind,
again. I've been with this person for over 9 years now. The bottom gets
deeper and deeper and it gets worst and worst.
I've cried enough tears to fill entire oceans.
Everybody I know, family, friends in and out of recovery.
will..you know what they all say...GET the F@#K away from her.
They all know that I love her..cuz i'm nutz.
and the results is not the same..it's freaken worst.

I've been working on myself and learning, practicing loving myself.
Learning everything about me ..writing about me.
As I heal and get stronger...she gives me a damn headache.lol
It's first things firsts....remember my ABC's
Aviod negative people, places, things, and habits.lol
Yes I can forgive...but I'm don't have to be a damn doormate.

Educate yourself to this fact of co-dependcy.
Reach out to others

Lynnez49

You make an excellent point. I was with another alcoholic for a lot of years. We moved to Az in fact to start fresh. He went to AA for years, but never worked the program. In 1997, I think he relapsed big time. In fact, we were on the news out here on Super Bowl Sunday. And the alcoholic I am with now is a close relative of my 1st husband. He's now 41 & has NEVER made any efforts to change. And has spent most of the last 12 years in prison or jail. And when he's not locked up & forced clean..he relapses. What should that tell me?

It's gotten to the point where I have no clue what I want. I really don't know. I'm 49 & basically starting over. My 17 year old son & I are staying with my parents. I'm trying to get a job. Everything I own is gone except clothes & things I left here when I moved to Pittsburgh. I want MY life back. I do know that. I want to be able to do what I want to do. And not have to worry what someone thinks. I used to HAVE that with him, but I guess I need to realize that it is gone and MIGHT never be again.

When he came into my life I had a great job out here. I had a fantastic apartment and my kids & I were doing great. I didn't need a man nor want one. I had my life & I was happy. When I first moved to Pittsburgh, we were a great couple. But that has long since ended. Even when he came home this time I was not as much "In" love with him as I used to be. It just wasn't the same. I figured it wouldn't last long, so why even try. And I was right. After 6 years of giving my heart, my soul, my money, my everything to him....maybe I SHOULD try to give a little to myself.

I have also been told. If it's meant to be...God will make it happen. I'm a firm believer in that. I firmly believe that God brought us together the first time when he DID have some sobriety.

thanks again for your help.

Lynne

FriendofBill

Yes it is insanity, your insanity
Yes, it is enabling
Yes, nothing has changed and nothing will unless and untill you change
Yes, you have not let go
and finally,

Yes, your pain and misery will not cease until YOU have reached bottom.

How high is your threshold for this abuse?

Minx1969

Hey Lynne,

Fresh Start Women's Foundation also has a mentoring program for women like you (I've been a mentor for 3 years)..They have great resources to help you put your life together if that's what you want..They have a good library and resources to help you find a job..if you are truly willing..

Check them out as well..

Lynnez49

Thanks everyone. I went to my counseling last night & have made the decision that NO more letters. I don't have to close the door, but I do have to move on. If he contacts me at some time & has been clean & sober for at least 6 months & has gotten his life together....I can make a decision about "us" at that time. I don't have to give up all hope, but as my counselor said, "look at the history & look at the reality". It's time for me to get MY life back.

I am going for yet another job interview today. And I did get the application for Fresh Starts. And will be going there tomorrow morning as well.

I want the life I had before I allowed him to destroy it. Who knows he might come back some day and I'll be "How do you like me now".

Lynne

Minx1969

Hey Lynne,

These are all great positive things you are doing! keep up the good work..

and keep coming back and letting us know what you are doing..

(Hope to run into you at a Fresh Start event..)

- Del

nutz

it's been like this for me.
It's so true, but I didn't want to belive it at first when I was informed of it.
Becuase I get cought up in her looks or outside apperances or situations.
On the outside we look like any couple that was doing good.
Both productive members of society....but behind close doors..yaw'llSAaa!!!

I'll will only attract or be attracted to a person that's about as sick as me.

So just a liitle look back at my history....well
For years I love the pycho B**tches and that crazy life style
My ex-wife had this thing about being a bitch and she acted accrodingly.
She even had a bumper stick that say
"it takes a bitch like me to love a buasturd like him"
it's was a joke , but it was true, true, true.
And we nearly killed each other. and probably only by the grace of god
that we didn't or neihter one of us is sitting behind bars.
it became very violence by both parties.

So basicallly by working on myself...I'm not attracted to that type women,
person, that I thought was the love of my life.
And learnding to love myself.well...I'm not desperate
or like the country song.." I ain't that lonely yet".lol

In books that pretain to co-dependcy,
it bacially states "you will split like oil aNd water" if one gets well
and the other dosen't.