FaithChaser

Well, looks like the horse is sold, dog is being put to sleep soon, ummm I think? Father is having surgery on his heart in two weeks for aorta anyersm he's 77... (no idea how to spell that one, anurism???). Anyway, been getting very stressed out and depressed. Hubby is not one that I can lean on, he's still drinking at least five nights a week that I know of, taking ritalin, and xanax. Told him I was having suicidal thoughts that I don't understand and he said to stop talking like that or he'll beat me to the punch. So we argue about what I'm allowed to talk about and what I'm not to tell him. I don't understand depression or how it comes on, but it is very uncontrollable to me. I know I could never really do something that self-centered, I realize that would kill both of my parents. I worry when the feelings and thoughts come I don't know what to do with it, wonder if I should go back to therapy, didn't seem to move me forward before at all. Wonder what is wrong with my head but I feel only I can figure it out. I'm ignoring the drinking, I'm not in any emotional state to think about recovery and post very often, I suppose this means I need to more, but it just makes me even more depressed to focus on the ah, or anything else that is a downer. Everything seemed so much better a few weeks ago, I was on top of the world and the ah seemed to be moving forward even a bit joining me at church and such. Now it's just a bother to him. I wonder if I should just move on and out of this home but with no real career to lean on I have no resources for money. I was planning to start medical transcription school but was told that it's a dead end job by two doctor's wives. I'm not sure what I can do now. Ugh, I feel like I'm a joke to everyone I come in contact with. What do I do? Tear starting to roll now I better go...

Love & prayers to you all,
~FaithChaser

Girlfriend

Hi FC,


You know how when we go through the hard times and don't understand why,.......that God is always in control. He's there even though we don't feel Him.

It's hard to see that when we're caught up in the "why is this happening" kinda stuff. But, please know that the tough times come and they go and each time they do and we walk through it with faith and hope, we're that much smarter and stronger.

It's constant growth, which is thee GOOD thing about tough times. Atleast we're growing and moving forward instead of staying stagnate.

This is just a temporary thing and "this too shall pass". I always try to think about the good things in my life when the bad things come and hang on to a better tomorrow. That, and the fact that we're never promised there will be a tomorrow, so gotta make the best outta today.

Go out and do something really fun for yourself!

((hugs)) I'm praying for ya!

Savana 54

Faith,
I'm sorry you are feeling down. I know, I've been there a lot lately. Maybe going back to therapy could give you some extra support...?? Sometimes people need to be put on temporary anti depressants to help them get out of the slump they're in. My counselor always reminds me that there is the crisis line in case I just need someone to talk to and it's availiable 24 hours a day.

I don't know what else to add except you will be in my thoughts and prayers today.

((((((FC))))))

Hugs,
Savana

equus

Hi there,

It sounds like you're having a really rough time right now. Maybe it would help to get some counsellor - not as an all out cure but so that you would know you had some regular space to talk face to face. There are lots of different types of counselling and you might find that a new approach works better for you?

I know what it feels like to sell your horse - YUK!! But eventually other things take the place and the worst of the 'gap in life' is at the begining when suddenly you have hours more a day to kill! It's definately got easier for me.

If talking to hubby right now causes more friction than peace maybe give up on it for a while - it sounds as though you have enough to deal with without that. Maybe posting more often would help? I know it helps me to get things off my chest.

Take care Faith chaser, I'm sure it'll get better - especially as your thinking about how to make it better!

Seeking Wisdom

Girlfriend...
Take care and hope this passes soon. I know I feel the most discouraged everytime my AH shows signs of improvement for a week or two - then slides backward. I start feeling hopeful and begin to believe there might be a small chance he will actually start to improve long term ... I begin to feel more like a normal person and can concentrate on other things besides worrying about what strange and bizarre behavior he will surprise me with next. Then suddenly my hope vanishes as I hear the slur in his words and the hateful attitude return. The few days of being able to count on him are suddenly over .... such a dramatic change in him as he begins his decline and I am back to trying to cope rather than hope. It takes me several weeks to adjust again to his dark side. I don't know if that is what is affecting you, but this cycle really beats me up.

cwohio

((faith))- just want to let you know that my dad had the surgery to repair that same condition in his 70's and is doing well many years after. hope you can find peace tonight!

HEALEDbyFAITH

Hmmmm Chasing that faith again I see. You know its kinda like an inside job, you decide to have faith then you just have it. Good times bad times anytime you need it its there. I dont know the AH so I cannot advise you about him, sorry. However, I see you struggling and looking for something better. Maybe you need to write down what you want and need so you can read it and maybe see what it is you want. Some folks say divorce is a sin. Some say being unhappy is a sin. What would YOU want for YOURSELF... thats whats really important. Not what the neighbors might say, or what the in-laws might think, what do YOU want. Find out what it is you want...Then...plan to get it....Plan the way then work the plan, thats the only way to get from the beginning to the end. Find your dream and make it real. You deserve that just like everyone here, they all deserve what it is they dream of. Pleasant dreams to you dear Faith Chaser, I believe you have prayers coming at you from all over this planet. Dream it, Plan it, live it.... Hugs for you when you need them.....HBF

ASpouse

My dad too had the surgery and did quite well, it's spelled Aortic Aneurysm. If they are watching it and he is having the surgery then this is a good thing.

My father ended up passing away from a brain tumor (benign) but the surgery on the aorta was a piece of cake in comparison. If your father is as strong as you are, he will be fine!

I decided a week ago to eliminate all unnecessary stress in my life ....... my new motto is "Simplify, Simplify, Simplify" ...... believe me, easy to say but not so easy to do.

You are a good person, one who cares and one who is just overwhelmed right now. Take it one minute at a time if you have to, do it all in your own time, no one elses. It sucks to have no one to lean on, but I bet you do look around, I'd just bet you do!

meli2005

It is good to get your feelings out. It's hard living with an ah and then having to deal with all the stresses you have. I would go back to the counseling. Are you on any medications for the depression? That might help you some. Just give yourself time and don't be too hard on yourself.


It sounds like your AH is not intersted in recovery right now. It hurts. What he does hurts you. You are a unit when you are married.

FriendofBill

My mom also had the surgery,,,it was repaired very well,,,,have faith, my friend.

Keep your feet in just today....this is the day that matters....

One day at a time will get you thru it.....keep chasing that faith,,,it matters,,,just like YOU matter!

FaithChaser

Thank you so very much! I'm so happy to hear that others have had this surgery and pulled through just fine. I'm struggling and feeling so self-centered right now, but I know "this too shall pass" God has a reason for everything we go through even if we can't understand it. Thanks again for allowing me to lean on all of you, just having a place to go and vent is definately helpful, just seems like when I start crying it becomes uncontrollable. I must admit that I avoid really looking at things and I tend to do that when I come in here. AVOID is my motto these days. When things settle down I'm going to be back everyday again. Please all of you know that you are in my prayers everyday.

Love to all of SR and huge hugs,
~FaithChaser