Reflections
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Reflections
I am sitting here with tears pouring down my face after reading FD's post. I have known for a few days what has been going on for her, but it really has hit me tonight. Perhaps because my ex shares a name with her ex, I don't know.
The Richard I know is still walking, talking, drinking and carrying on as if there was nothing amiss. He has maintained the lifestyle of a middle-class professional for many years, mainly on the back of vulnerable, loving and giving women. The words that come out of his mouth only serve to maintain his facade. In one breath he will tell you that you are the love of his life and promise you the earth and in the next he will deceive you, seemingly without a care in the world.
As you may know, we are going through a bitter dispute over my exit from the business we run together. He leaves me with no choice than to take him to court. He is penniless and in truth has been that way for many years. I didn't see it at first and when I did, he blamed it on his ex wife in such a way that I felt sorry for him and bailed him out. When I first met him he was one week away from being thrown out on the street with nothing. But Saint Minnie came along and made it OK. And that I did for almost 4 years. And now the time has come for me to let the chips fall where they may. Undoubtedly, he will be fine for now. He will find someone else to bail him out. But you and I know that one day that stream of women will dry up. And unless he gets wise to recovery, he will end up fighting for his life in the same way that FD's Richard is.
Somewhere along the line, these guys and girls that we loved have lost their soul. That is the true tragedy in all of this. For me, it supercedes alcoholism. And that is where I find my compassion. But my compassion is to no avail with those still lost. No amount of my loving and caring is going to heal them. It may make their lives easier, but will never find their soul for them.
I have to fight the demon, even if Richard isn't.
The Richard I know is still walking, talking, drinking and carrying on as if there was nothing amiss. He has maintained the lifestyle of a middle-class professional for many years, mainly on the back of vulnerable, loving and giving women. The words that come out of his mouth only serve to maintain his facade. In one breath he will tell you that you are the love of his life and promise you the earth and in the next he will deceive you, seemingly without a care in the world.
As you may know, we are going through a bitter dispute over my exit from the business we run together. He leaves me with no choice than to take him to court. He is penniless and in truth has been that way for many years. I didn't see it at first and when I did, he blamed it on his ex wife in such a way that I felt sorry for him and bailed him out. When I first met him he was one week away from being thrown out on the street with nothing. But Saint Minnie came along and made it OK. And that I did for almost 4 years. And now the time has come for me to let the chips fall where they may. Undoubtedly, he will be fine for now. He will find someone else to bail him out. But you and I know that one day that stream of women will dry up. And unless he gets wise to recovery, he will end up fighting for his life in the same way that FD's Richard is.
Somewhere along the line, these guys and girls that we loved have lost their soul. That is the true tragedy in all of this. For me, it supercedes alcoholism. And that is where I find my compassion. But my compassion is to no avail with those still lost. No amount of my loving and caring is going to heal them. It may make their lives easier, but will never find their soul for them.
I have to fight the demon, even if Richard isn't.
too much on my plate!!
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
What you've written has really hit home with me. Now I'm crying over your post as well. You're right their souls are lost...as they are...
I was just thinking about his sober time and how much we both enjoyed each other and were able to spend some good, quality time together. I miss how he would come home from AA and talk about all the new hope he had found, how his soul was emerging and he was able to open up about his feelings, probably the fist time in his life. That little sparkle in his eye and how proud he was of staying sober each day that past; watching him get ready for work in the morning and proudly placing his AA coin/medallion in his pocket so it could remind him of his sobriety. I remember the last time he left for good..he didn't pick up his coin and put it in his pocket.......... I loved him with all my heart and soul, but today I mourn that person that once was, as today his soul is lost...
His name is Chris and he's an alcoholic.
I was just thinking about his sober time and how much we both enjoyed each other and were able to spend some good, quality time together. I miss how he would come home from AA and talk about all the new hope he had found, how his soul was emerging and he was able to open up about his feelings, probably the fist time in his life. That little sparkle in his eye and how proud he was of staying sober each day that past; watching him get ready for work in the morning and proudly placing his AA coin/medallion in his pocket so it could remind him of his sobriety. I remember the last time he left for good..he didn't pick up his coin and put it in his pocket.......... I loved him with all my heart and soul, but today I mourn that person that once was, as today his soul is lost...
His name is Chris and he's an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
Allright, enough of this tearing nonsense!
I am ready and poised to go postal on the sh*thead!
Where do I find him?
You know, this sexual frustration is KILLING ME, I tell ya!
Okay, I shared a few tears, but NONE like the ones that I have that my H has POISON IVY ON HIS SHLONG!
Sucks-- AGAIN -- to be me.
But I digress -- sorry for your sadness. I can only imagine your sorrow having to deal with this on top of the heartache already. Sorry.....
I am ready and poised to go postal on the sh*thead!
Where do I find him?
You know, this sexual frustration is KILLING ME, I tell ya!
Okay, I shared a few tears, but NONE like the ones that I have that my H has POISON IVY ON HIS SHLONG!
Sucks-- AGAIN -- to be me.
But I digress -- sorry for your sadness. I can only imagine your sorrow having to deal with this on top of the heartache already. Sorry.....
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Such an emotional week for a lot of us at SR...tears of pain. But it cleanses us and makes way for the purity and sanity yet to come into our lives. What an amazing site we have here. Love, friendship and therapy. Aren't we blessed!!!
And Beautiful...thanks for the giggle.
And Beautiful...thanks for the giggle.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
I feel helpless on this thread, but can understand it.
I was, not too long ago, in the same feelings about my xabf. Crying and almost getting sick over all the family and lies and betrayals and using.
But, through all of you great people on here and al anon and my faith, I'm past that now and it's behind me....thank God.
I wish the same for all of you, I really do! I don't have anyone really special in my life at the moment, but that's ok. I'm liking me now and what I'm doing with the decisions I make.
Greif is good for awhile, but it'll end sooner or later and it needs to, so that we can move on and not stay stuck anymore.
The people that we cried over and lost sleep over and grieved over...are just that. They're just people. One person that we'll meet in our entire life time and I'm not gonna give that one person power over my life. I'm gonna go out there and live it cuz it's way too short.
I know you all can, too and you are!
((hugs))
I was, not too long ago, in the same feelings about my xabf. Crying and almost getting sick over all the family and lies and betrayals and using.
But, through all of you great people on here and al anon and my faith, I'm past that now and it's behind me....thank God.
I wish the same for all of you, I really do! I don't have anyone really special in my life at the moment, but that's ok. I'm liking me now and what I'm doing with the decisions I make.
Greif is good for awhile, but it'll end sooner or later and it needs to, so that we can move on and not stay stuck anymore.
The people that we cried over and lost sleep over and grieved over...are just that. They're just people. One person that we'll meet in our entire life time and I'm not gonna give that one person power over my life. I'm gonna go out there and live it cuz it's way too short.
I know you all can, too and you are!
((hugs))
Reikihelps
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: PA
Posts: 221
No amount of my loving and caring is going to heal them
I wish you peace and hope even amidst the pain.
(((love))))
Reikihelps
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Minnie, thank you for your inspirational words. They are much needed in my fight to move on from the demon as well. I thought my fight was over, but after reading FDs post.... It sounded like a eulogy I could give at my ex wifes funeral. Her name is Mary Ellen but everyone calls her Mel. Mel started out just like your Richard, but she is drinking herself to death just like FDs Richard. And there's nothing I can do but move on. Too many lost souls.
I have to go now.
Scott
I have to go now.
Scott
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there minnie,
My prayers for you and your Richard are said every night minnie. I too have a lost one that I grieve today. Her name is Susan. I grieve her like I grieved my parents, cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents and many friends.
I know today that my love, care and compassion _can_ help them find their soul. I can use my love, care and compassion to stand aside and stop blocking the view of their HP from them. As long as "St. Mike" stands _before_ them, they cannot see past me. What I have learned in the program is that I need to stand _beside_ them.
To allow them to see the love of their HP is the greatest expression of love and compassion. I was just too busy looking at my wife to realize that I too needed to turn around to look at my HP.
(((((( hugs ))))))))))) and prayers minnie, for you and for all those who still suffer.
Mike :-)
Originally Posted by minnie
... But my compassion is to no avail with those still lost. No amount of my loving and caring is going to heal them. It may make their lives easier, but will never find their soul for them....
I know today that my love, care and compassion _can_ help them find their soul. I can use my love, care and compassion to stand aside and stop blocking the view of their HP from them. As long as "St. Mike" stands _before_ them, they cannot see past me. What I have learned in the program is that I need to stand _beside_ them.
To allow them to see the love of their HP is the greatest expression of love and compassion. I was just too busy looking at my wife to realize that I too needed to turn around to look at my HP.
(((((( hugs ))))))))))) and prayers minnie, for you and for all those who still suffer.
Mike :-)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
its funny to me how putting a name to them hurts all the worse. i am barely hanging on here lately.. and i just dont think i can personalize it any more. i need the detachment that calling him an A gives me. it makes me keep the distance from the A... equaling alcoholism. if i sat down and thought about Tim... really thought about Tim... fresh tears anew, fresh wanting to help, fresh ideas of being there even though he wants to kill himself with this disease.
so tonight i pray that my A.. finds help. and that i may heal to the point where i can feel good about calling him Tim... and not need the distance calling him my A gives me.
quietsins
(carol)
so tonight i pray that my A.. finds help. and that i may heal to the point where i can feel good about calling him Tim... and not need the distance calling him my A gives me.
quietsins
(carol)
too much on my plate!!
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
I understand what you are saying QS. I feel that when I start thinking of him and how sad it is that his soul is so lost, the feeling of wanting to "help" him and rescue him starts to surface.
I've never been able to detach with love. I was never with him long enough while I was going to Alanon to learn detachment.
One minute I'm praying for him and trying to find compassion; the next minute I'm angry at him and mad that he chose the booze over me. I need to find a balance within myself. Just haven't found it yet.
I've never been able to detach with love. I was never with him long enough while I was going to Alanon to learn detachment.
One minute I'm praying for him and trying to find compassion; the next minute I'm angry at him and mad that he chose the booze over me. I need to find a balance within myself. Just haven't found it yet.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Thanks guys - this post is a long time coming, I think.
I have long since stopped trying to rescue him from his drinking and many other things and the only thing now is to stop rescuing him from the consequences of his financial decisions. I stayed in a business I no longer enjoyed because I knew deep down that my leaving would precipitate his financial downfall. I am putting myself first and ensuring that I get back the money I lent him so that I have a brighter future and this means that he will have the opposite. A yin/yang thing. I can intellectualise all I like about how "the most loving thing we can do is let them find their rock bottom" and I have said this many times on here myself. Easy to say, very hard to do. Doesn't feel very compassionate at the moment.
Mike - I hear what you're saying. I don't want to stand in front, behind, beside. I don't want to be anywhere near him. Not sure I can explain this very well, but I'm certain that the last time that R was "himself" was when he was a baby. He is 42 now. I met him when he was 38. I thought he was wonderful, but I know now that it was all facade. He is so out of tune with his authentic self that he has no empathy whatsoever. These past few weeks have taught me that. Ach, I'm rambling now and I can't find the right words.
I have long since stopped trying to rescue him from his drinking and many other things and the only thing now is to stop rescuing him from the consequences of his financial decisions. I stayed in a business I no longer enjoyed because I knew deep down that my leaving would precipitate his financial downfall. I am putting myself first and ensuring that I get back the money I lent him so that I have a brighter future and this means that he will have the opposite. A yin/yang thing. I can intellectualise all I like about how "the most loving thing we can do is let them find their rock bottom" and I have said this many times on here myself. Easy to say, very hard to do. Doesn't feel very compassionate at the moment.
Mike - I hear what you're saying. I don't want to stand in front, behind, beside. I don't want to be anywhere near him. Not sure I can explain this very well, but I'm certain that the last time that R was "himself" was when he was a baby. He is 42 now. I met him when he was 38. I thought he was wonderful, but I know now that it was all facade. He is so out of tune with his authentic self that he has no empathy whatsoever. These past few weeks have taught me that. Ach, I'm rambling now and I can't find the right words.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Minnie I can so relate to your post.
So many times this past year, I have heard myself saying "he has lost his soul" as I could think of no better way to describe the transformation of my husband from a strong, healthy, smart, active truthful man .... to the faint shadow of that man I see today. What's left is a person that lies about everything, is so mean spirited and heartless, selfish beyond belief, turning his back even on his own children- literally sneaking money that his children need for food - to feed his own "souless needs".
This past year I have watched my husband's body and mind dissolve ... watch him stumbling into walls, unable to do even simple math, unable to mow the lawn as he used to love to do, unable to remember the simpliest things. I watched him as he missed milestones in his kid's life and didn't seem to notice. I watched him gradually lose his eyesight and be told by his Dr to stop drinking ..yet unable to do so .. only the consumption of B vitamins has brought him any improvement. I watched him lie in an emergency room bed for 6 hours having delusions along with pneumonia ..then looking through his bag of medications so I could fill out hospital forms ... and finding hidden bottles of booze instead .. all this while both my kids were home alone sick.
These past few years, because we own a business together, I have seen my alcoholic husband treat me with escalating hostility and disrespect knowing I can't leave in order to support our kids. Divorcing could mean destroying our finances we have worked decades to build, just as we approach the "expensive" years of our soon-to-be college kids. If I took over our business by myself, he then would be unable to support himself ... and I could be forced to support his unhealthy lifestyle because of his legal share of the business. He has come to realize I am forced to endure his demeaning behavior just so I can support our children from our jointly owned business ... while he sleeps about 16 hours a day and drinks himself into a stupor for the rest.
It has been a very long and frustrating few years ... to sit in this roller coaster and watch its steep aggressive descent, ready to get off this ride for good .. but realizing my financial "safety harness" refuses to release me so he can take this self destructive ride alone.
So many times this past year, I have heard myself saying "he has lost his soul" as I could think of no better way to describe the transformation of my husband from a strong, healthy, smart, active truthful man .... to the faint shadow of that man I see today. What's left is a person that lies about everything, is so mean spirited and heartless, selfish beyond belief, turning his back even on his own children- literally sneaking money that his children need for food - to feed his own "souless needs".
This past year I have watched my husband's body and mind dissolve ... watch him stumbling into walls, unable to do even simple math, unable to mow the lawn as he used to love to do, unable to remember the simpliest things. I watched him as he missed milestones in his kid's life and didn't seem to notice. I watched him gradually lose his eyesight and be told by his Dr to stop drinking ..yet unable to do so .. only the consumption of B vitamins has brought him any improvement. I watched him lie in an emergency room bed for 6 hours having delusions along with pneumonia ..then looking through his bag of medications so I could fill out hospital forms ... and finding hidden bottles of booze instead .. all this while both my kids were home alone sick.
These past few years, because we own a business together, I have seen my alcoholic husband treat me with escalating hostility and disrespect knowing I can't leave in order to support our kids. Divorcing could mean destroying our finances we have worked decades to build, just as we approach the "expensive" years of our soon-to-be college kids. If I took over our business by myself, he then would be unable to support himself ... and I could be forced to support his unhealthy lifestyle because of his legal share of the business. He has come to realize I am forced to endure his demeaning behavior just so I can support our children from our jointly owned business ... while he sleeps about 16 hours a day and drinks himself into a stupor for the rest.
It has been a very long and frustrating few years ... to sit in this roller coaster and watch its steep aggressive descent, ready to get off this ride for good .. but realizing my financial "safety harness" refuses to release me so he can take this self destructive ride alone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
This past year I have watched my husband's body and mind dissolve ... watch him stumbling into walls, unable to do even simple math, unable to mow the lawn as he used to love to do, unable to remember the simpliest things. I watched him as he missed milestones in his kid's life and didn't seem to notice.
while he sleeps about 16 hours a day and drinks himself into a stupor for the rest.
i pray that you continue your recovery and find peace!
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Minnie, Thank you for sharing from your heart. I am listening with mine.
May all the bad times leave your mind and heart soon and be replaced with serenity and peace.
The only way I can detach from my alcoholics is to put them in the hollow of my Higher Powers hands and do my best to leave them there.
I wish I could say to you it is easy but it isn't. My ego always gets in the way and my mind takes over thinking there is one more thing I could have/should have, would have done to bring them into the light. It's only when I am sane I know in my head and heart there is nothing I could have done differently. I know my H.P. has given them the same freedom of choice as He has me. They just didn't realize it soon enough to travel this time in life with me.
Alcoholism is a negative family disease and it takes me down with it IF I don't do all in my power to recovery.
Love and prayers from one who cares.
P.S.
EASING
God
OUT
May all the bad times leave your mind and heart soon and be replaced with serenity and peace.
The only way I can detach from my alcoholics is to put them in the hollow of my Higher Powers hands and do my best to leave them there.
I wish I could say to you it is easy but it isn't. My ego always gets in the way and my mind takes over thinking there is one more thing I could have/should have, would have done to bring them into the light. It's only when I am sane I know in my head and heart there is nothing I could have done differently. I know my H.P. has given them the same freedom of choice as He has me. They just didn't realize it soon enough to travel this time in life with me.
Alcoholism is a negative family disease and it takes me down with it IF I don't do all in my power to recovery.
Love and prayers from one who cares.
P.S.
EASING
God
OUT
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
