quietsins

hi,

well i am in a bit of a mind circle.. and hoping someone can help. they say we should not take anyones inventory except our own. they also say we should not judge what others do.

well this is a problem to me. my ex was an a..which i could handle most times.. but i could not handle the porn chat addiction. so when it got really nasty... i walked. now.. here's where i am confused.

i judged what he did as harmful to me, to my daughter and to our relationship. i judged my situation and walked. i dont feel wrong for doing that. and lets face it, i had to take his inventory to assess that this to me was unacceptable. so now... where does this lead me in a healthy program? sure could use a bit of wisdom here.

quietsins

JT

I don't agree...you simply, or not so simply, decided what you wanted to allow into your life and what you didn't. Then you acted on it. That is very different then taking another person's inventory.

prodigal

I totally agree with JT. You were setting boundaries for yourself and he crossed them. That's a healthy thing. We oftentimes have to sit back and briefly assess what someone else is doing and how it is affecting us, then take action. Assessing someone's behavior is not judgmental, it's merely listening to your instincts and making the best decision you're capable of making.

Beautiful

You judged (for yourself) what he did and found it unacceptable.

That's not taking his inventory. That is deciding for yourself what is OK and what is not. To decide (for him) if this is unacceptable or not is taking his inventory. You made this decision based on your feelings and no one else's.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Cap3

Quietsins,you were using your common sence,here,is my belief.Keeping yourself and your child safe.We are given judgements,as a gift to use to help us get out of "stuff" that harmful to us.Judgeing another in the sence,that im thinking im better,bigger and just much greater than another is what i think that judgeing another is talking about.because no matter who the person is,im equal,never better.What another human being does,i to am capable of given the right circumstances.And in this sence,i dont judge..But if their actions are harmful to me,im otta there,,lol...gone!!!!Call it what anyone wants to,im gonna be safe....smile....
Thats my own spin on this.looking forward to hearing from others,because i to can get confused on this judgeing,tolerance,,taking anothers inventory.If another is beating me over the head with a cast iron frying pan,you bet im taking some inventory,O-tolerance,,and again im out da door....

Seeking Wisdom

We all have the right to assess when someone else's behavior will impact us in a negative or harmful way. We have the right not to be exposed or harmed by these behaviors. It is our right to protect ourselves and our responsibility to protect our children as best we can and to live as healthy a life as possible. We spend our entire lives learning the difference between right and wrong behavior and good from bad as best we can. Used correctly, this knowledge enables us to make good choices for ourselves and our family. This knowledge does not have to be used to condemn those whose behavior we do not understand or feel comfortable with.

Girlfriend

Hi QS,

As said above, you did what YOU needed to do for yourself and your daughter. That's listening to your heart, your inner voice and not giving into the abuse anymore.

I felt guilty for years for "splitting" my family up. Especially, since my ex abusive husband went around telling that to everybody, MOSTLY my kids.

But, could I stay and get physically beaten anymore? Or, degraded, embarrassed, and humiliated with his words? No way! In fact, if I could of.....I would of left alot sooner than I did. But, I was being constantly watched by him and him telling me that I would be a "sinner" to leave him.

Those 8 years with him totally stripped away my self-worth. It was beaten out of me. He finally admitted it two years ago (20 years later) and apologized to me. I accepted that apology and forgave him with the help of God. But, all this time, I was the "psycho", the "drunk", the "liar".

I even have guilt for leaving my 2nd marraige because he's "so nice". He is so nice, but didn't ever talk. Totally shut down and it was a lonely marraige that I stayed in for 15 years trying to make it work. WHY? Cuz I said my vows and meant them, loved him and hoped always. But, we could never get passed our lack of communication and difference in future plans. I had to do what I had to do for me. It sounds selfish, but it isn't because if we're constantly not happy........what good are we to ourselves or our kids?

Judging is when someone hasn't been in your shoes and tells you what you should've done or should not have done. How would they know? And who gave them that right?

Guilt is a waste of time, QS. We've got to listen to our inner voice and do what it tells us to do. Life is too short.

((hugs))

equus

I think there's a world of difference between judging behaviour and judging a person. I know I have done things that are bad, I don't think I am bad so I can recognise other people can do things that are bad but they are not bad.

I would happily argue a case that some behaviour is cruel, some selfish, some greedy, etc but I'm always loathed to argue that a person is cruel, selfish or greedy. I haven't walked in the others shoes, I don't know their 'whys' I don't know if in their place I would do the same so I stick to comment on behaviour and avoid comment on people.

It helps me to see some of my own behaviour as needing to change without seeing myself as 'unhealthy' or 'bad' or 'selfish'. I might feel that way about something I've done but it helps to be able to know that was a behaviour not the whole of me, a behaviour I can change while I still value the whole of me.

Savana 54

I really like how you've explained that!! I tend to judge people based on their behaviours and actions. Exabf has told me I was a very judgemental person, but how can I be ok with someone if they lie, cheat, and manipulate?

equus

I chose my company - I don't like that either but it's the behaviour that's wrong. I think it helped me working with kids in care as well, I could think one thing and then have any judgement rocked to the core when I learned a bit more.

I'm not perfect at seperating the two but I try to because it does help me - it means I can say cheating is wrong, that's just judging the behaviour.

Anyway it gives me less brain strain, even complex behaviour is usually a damn sight less complex than a whole human being!! I don't need to judge the person, I can chose my company without having to do that and I'm not responsible for judging them so I can save on the effort.

CatsTail

Hi,

If I'm assessing a situation based on my:

Physical
Emotional
Psychological
Social
Intellectual

needs and the situation is not good for those needs, I'm not judging the person, I'm taking care of myself.

Ngaire

Girlfriend

Awesomingly (is that a word?) put, NGaire. And, for each person, that's different. What choices we would make might not be that of another person's, but that's ok. Because each person has their own journey to go on and it's not supposed to be the same for everyone.